Hopeless For You (21 page)

I felt so relieved when I saw his face. He only had a small bandage on his head. Slowly breathing in and out, he looked so peaceful lying there on the hospital bed. The EKG monitored his heartbeat and he had an IV tube just like
the one I had had embedded in the top of his hand.

I wrapped my fingers around his palm. "Kade."

He was wearing a light blue patient gown, and his injured leg was elevated in a sling. The swelling had gone way down. The falcon tattoo peered out from the top of the gown and I almost felt like Kade himself was looking at me through the eye on his Adam's apple.

I entwined my fingers through his. The letters of his name, tattooed on each finger, rested in my grasp.

I saw Gina staring at me but she wasn't smiling or smirking or anything. Her expression was thoughtful more than anything else.

That was when I realized the significance of the bandage on Kade's head. "Why isn't he awake?" I felt a surge of panic. "He only twisted his knee, didn't he? Didn't he?"

Gina frowned. "He also has a slight concussion."

I felt my world coming apart and my eyes became blurry. "What?" I couldn't make out his features anymore. "How can that be? I checked him. He only had a small lump. I asked him questions. We talked. This is my fault. All of it."

"Ash, he'll be fine. Stop panicking." She gave me a tight hug. "When I said
slight
concussion, I meant it. He was talking with the nurses. He's coherent. The only reason he's not awake is because they have him doped up with painkillers. Resetting his knee aggravated already torn ligaments. He'll probably be out for the rest of the day. Now please, calm down."

"Okay." She was right, I had to stop panicking. "Okay."

Gina looked me in the eye and when she was satisfied that I was all right, or at least wouldn't cry, she said, "So. When are you going to tell me what happened?"

I swallowed. "Well, after Kade fished me out of the river, we started walking back. We were beside a ravine, and stupid me, I decided to go right to the edge. The ground collapsed but Kade saved me. He fell in my place." A tear dribbled down my cheek. I turned around, needing something to do. Something to distract myself. "Where are his charts? I want to see his charts." I probably wouldn't be able to read them, but
still... "I'm going to ask the nurse—"

Gina grabbed my arm. "Ash. How many times do I have to say it? Kade's going to be fine. He just needs time to recuperate. I don't think you should be here, not in your state. Come on, let's go outside for some fresh air."

Against my will, I let Gina lead me out. I wanted to stay by Kade's bedside, make sure he was well. We'd made love. He'd said he loved me, wanted to marry me.

We took the elevator down and went outside.

"I don't know what to do," I said, looking down at my hands. I was trying to remember Kade's touch but already it was fading.

Gina didn't understand that I was talking about Kade because after a long pause she said, "Well, you have a couple of options. Your folks are frantic and insist you come home immediately. If you decide to go, everyone at the conservation center will understand. They feel awful about what happened. Especially Blaine. And Momma Jeanne has been beside herself with worry. But they already said they wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted to leave and never come back to British Columbia."

"What?" I couldn't believe it. "Why would I want to go home? Rebecca and the others aren't going to make me, are they?"

"Of course not!" Gina hugged me. "They'd love it if you stayed. But you do have to call your folks and tell them your decision."

"I'm surprised they didn't try to fly up here and pick me up themselves."

"Oh, they wanted to. You can be darn sure about that. I called them yesterday and told them what happened. It took all my convincing to keep them from coming here to get you. But your mom wants you to call as soon as you're able. She won't be happy
when you tell her you're staying."

"I don't care if she's happy or not." I set my jaw and tilted my chin up. "I'm not doing this for them. I came out here for
me
. And I'll call them when I'm good and ready. Maybe tomorrow."

"Great. And I agree." Gina had her phone out now, since this wasn't a cellphone-prohibited zone, and she was texting. "I told them to expect your call tomorrow. So. Don's waiting to take us back. You just need to finish the hospital release paperwork." Gina sensed my hesitation and she took my hand, squeezing lightly. "They've got Kade on round-the-clock observation. We'll just get in the way. Besides, he'll be drugged up for the next few days. You've studied morphine in school. You know what it does."

"I do. Which is exactly why I have to stay."

"What, you'll sleep in his room on the guest chair all day? Don't be
ridiculous. They'll give us a call as soon as he's awake and then you can talk to him."

I crossed my arms stubbornly. "No. I want to stay in town. I want to be close. I'll get a hotel."

"I never thought I'd be the one arguing to go on a plane, but here I am. Listen, the best thing for us right now is to get back to the center."

"Why, so you can be close to Blaine?"

Gina sighed. "Ash, this isn't about Blaine. We need to be surrounded by friends right now, and we need something to do to keep ourselves occupied. Especially you. Don's going to be staying out at the center so he can fly you back as soon as Kade's ready to receive visitors. Don would be happy to bring you. Momma Jeanne and Rebecca will probably go along as well."

I nodded slowly but my mind was drifting away. I wondered if what happened between me and Kade was real. He might not have been himself because of the concussion. He could have been delusional. There was also the possibility he had been completely normal through it all and was just playing me. I'd be completely broken inside if that were true.

Eventually, I gave in to Gina's prodding and agreed to return to the center. I knew I should have stayed but I was afraid. It was far easier to run away and hide than to stay and confront the cold, hard truth, whatever it turned out to be. Maybe he loved me, maybe he didn't—I was equally scared of either outcome and Gina just made it easier to run.

As usual, I held Gina's hand on the plane ride, feeling her nails dig in with each wave of turbulence. Flying up there, high above the world, I felt grateful to have a friend like her. She'd stuck with me through it all. She'd been there through Devon's accident, the funeral, and helped me scrape together the pieces of my life. She'd searched for me when Kade and I were swept away by the river. She'd faced her worst fear, flying alone to Vancouver to make sure I was okay and to support me in whatever decision I decided to make.

I felt truly loved. Everyone needed a friend like her.

I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

She glanced at me uncertainly. "What was that for?"

"Everything."

The atmosphere was subdued in the common room of the bigger dorm house. I was the center of attention, of course, and felt a little overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern from the staff members.

Momma Jeanne swept me up in a massive hug that lifted me off my feet. "I'm so glad you're back," she said. "Thank you for keeping him safe." Her voice was sharp with unshed tears. When she pulled away, she was beaming, though the slight shine in her eyes betrayed her true feelings.

Momma Jeanne pushed me into a chair and retreated to the safety of the kitchen.

Dinner was loud, full of overly bright laughter as people tried to ignore the empty chair Kade should have been sitting in. I wanted to keep to myself but the others kept me talking, wanting to hear all about what had happened. I focused on what we'd done during the days, and I glossed over the nights. I did my best to hold back the tears when I told them about how Kade had sacrificed himself to save me at the ravine. Gina watched me carefully the whole time and I could tell she knew I was holding back from the way she furrowed her brows during certain parts of the story.

I felt guilty that I hadn't told her about Kade yet. It wasn't like I was avoiding spilling my guts to her, it was just that I wasn't sure what kind of relationship Kade and I had or if we even
had
a relationship. Though I was still desperately scared for him, the longer I went without seeing him, the more uncertain I became over what had happened. Sure, he might not have been himself but I couldn't forget the discomfort of our early encounters, the playboy stories, the smirks. Was I just one more conquest, another notch on his belt?

I wondered if my own feelings had been skewed by the exhaustion and the emotional strain. Maybe it had been a fling for me, too. Maybe we'd only had sex out of some twisted need for comfort. Maybe he'd used me and I'd been too exhausted to notice
or care. Were we really so desperate for contact? Two lost people longing for some sort of connection,
any
connection? We'd been emotionally alone for so long, victims of bad luck and circumstance, left bereaved or abandoned by our exes. It was entirely possible.

I couldn't quite believe those ugly thoughts, but they were persistent, repeating again and again in my head, and killed my appetite. I forced myself to finish dinner but when fresh apple pie arrived for dessert, I declined, slipping away with some lame excuse about going to the bathroom.

I retreated to the porch and stopped short when I saw Blaine leaning against the rail, the glow of a smoldering cigarette between his fingertips.

He saw me before I could duck away.

I said the first thing that came to my mind. "I didn't know you smoked."

He shrugged, taking a long drag. The smoke lazily curled into the night. "I quit the summer I started here, just like Kade. When he picked it back up in the winter, I didn't. He always tucks cigarettes into my backpack at the beginning of each summer in case I change my mind, though. He's gotten pretty good at hiding them. Normally I just toss them when I find them. I found this one last night, rolled up in a pair of my socks. I didn't really want to start again but after the stress from the last few days, well, I couldn't help it." He shook his head, giving a small laugh of disbelief. "My socks. How the hell did he get into my socks? The sneaky bastard."

I leaned against the railing next to him. He offered me a drag but I refused. I'd only smoked once in high school and almost threw up. Not even the temptation of stress relief at this point was enough to make me try it again. "You guys are really close?"

"Yeah." He stubbed the cigarette out on the hard wooden railing, forming a dark
scar next to a handful of similar scars I guessed were from Kade. "I mean, he's my best friend but sometimes it feels like I barely know him. It's the strangest thing. One second, he'll be all outgoing and personable and the next, he'll just clam right up on you."

I thought I knew exactly what he was talking about.

The door creaked open and we both looked back at the same time. Blaine seemed to stiffen when he saw who it was.

Gina paused awkwardly in the doorway. "Everyone's wondering where you two are."

I slumped against the railing. "I don't really feel like going back in there and facing everyone. Not tonight."

"I'll tell them you decided to hit the sack," Blaine said. "Night, Ash. Gina." He gave Gina a curt nod as he passed and then shut the door behind him.

Gina took Blaine's place beside me. I immediately leaned my head on her shoulder. "Love you, Gina. You're the only one who's been here for me through it all."

She kissed my forehead. "Love you too, Ash. You're the sister I never had."

"Thanks." I smiled weakly. "I'm not looking forward to calling my folks tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to tell them."

"Just say what's in your heart."

I sighed. My heart.

Gina pulled away from me. "What's wrong, baby?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired, worn out from all the attention. I don't think I've had so many people trying to talk to me at once since the funeral."

Gina's face dropped and she wrapped me in a hug. "You poor thing."

I almost laughed then, I'm not sure why. I think it was because the memory of trudging through the forest, pulling Kade along behind me, was still fresh in my mind, and here I was complaining about having to talk to too many people. Human beings were such silly creatures.

Gina gently prodded me from the rail. "Come on, let's go to our room. We can talk, paint our nails or do whatever you want to do."

We made our way to the small room we shared. It seemed like a lifetime since I'd been there. I couldn't even count the days—they all just blurred together. The nights were clearer— one in particular, but even that one I doubted.

I changed into my pajamas, trying to forget the emotional trauma, trying to ignore the mental and physical exhaustion I felt.

When Gina pulled off her socks, I couldn't hold back a soft laugh. Her toes were painted a perfect pink.

"I don't know how you do it," I said. "You're always ready to go—toenails painted, hands manicured, legs shaved, hair perfectly straight. It all seems like so much work." I smothered a yawn as I sat on the narrow bed. I pulled my pillow into my lap and wrapped my arms around it.