Horse Camp (17 page)

Amen.

P.S. If you
are
real, and your father is real, why don't you just go talk to him and ask him to not send down any more tornadoes to Minnesota? If you would do that, it would probably be a lot easier for me to believe in you. Maybe you could send me a sign like the rainbow you sent to Noah after the ark and flood business was over. If not a rainbow, at least something definitely nonviolent. Do not send a plague!

Two Months Later …

Perseus Pribyl I Esq.

Descriptive Essay

Mr. Dalton's 8th Grade English

“How I Survived the Twister”

The deadly twister was large and in charge, people. It looked like seven tornadoes in one and it smelled like a dirt pie and it tasted like a dirt sandwich and it sounded like a scary band with lots of drums and it felt like something bad. A bad storm. The twister was deadly believe me all right?

First Jimmy who is really good at basketball and is a cool guy too was wearing this really cool shirt with Bob Marley on it that day of the deadly twister. It was green and it smelled kind of bad and it looked very wrinkly but yours would too if you didn't fold it right when you put it in your bag before you took a trip. Trust me it was still cool. We were driving home from the state fair when all the sudden a cop made us go the wrong way at a traffic stop. A big cop so you had to listen. You might get a ticket if you don't listen or you might get thrown in jail. Stretch my uncle says it wasn't the cops fault but he sometimes blames the wrong person, believe me because I know about this kind of thing. Truly.

Secondly the deadly twister. All the sudden it came at us though you could barely see out the window anymore, just hold on I will get to that part. The deadly twister would of killed us easy if we would of kept on driving. No doubt. Jimmy said to me to get out of the car and run for yor “life!”! Or something like that I cannot remember exactly. He probably said to get out of the car “dude” and run for your life or something cool. He is always saying cool things like dude or something like that.

Next I was running for my life and the deadly twister right behind, seriously believe me I was there. In a ditch we found shelter. From the deadly twister roaring overhead. Jimmy told me last week when we were talking about the deadly twister something he didn't tell me before which was something quite embarrassing. He took a crud in his pants! That is how scary this thing was! I didn't take a crud in my pants though.

Fourthly after the twister. It took a long time for us to look for Jimmy's car. We never did find it. We walked for a bunch of hours searching but there was nothing around except for a messed-up cow which I would of saved if I had time or a doctor's kit. We didn't even know where we were. It ticked off Jimmy that we could not find his car. He wasn't mad about the car because it is a bad automobile but he was mad about all these good CDs he had in there that he would have to reburn and also his guitar which flew who knows where. All I lost was a football which can be replaced and a duffel bag with some clothes in it. I don't even care about that. No big deal. We got picked up by this old guy in a truck who took us to a police station.

Fifth of all if anyone asks you police stations are not scary take it from me. I have been to one so I can tell you for sure. Don't be frightened of them. They smell like garbage and they look scary but aren't and they sound normal just like a regular store except for a yell sometimes and they feel like a cold dungeon where you might get sent before you get your head chopped off in mid evil times and they don't taste like anything because you can't eat a jail. Seriously not too bad a place. Uncle Stretch came and got us from there and gave me a hug which he never did before.

Lastly they say there was fourteen tornadoes in Minnesota that day and eight poor people died. Not poor like they didn't have money but poor you know like I feel bad for them. But Jimmy and I weren't one of them!

In conclusion this descriptive essay was about me surviving the deadly twister! And Jimmy too he probably saved my life even though you could argue I saved his life in a way too since when I was holding onto his leg I was probably weighing him down just enough so he wouldn't get sucked up. I am 84 pounds. Imagine even trying to walk ten feet with an extra 84 pounds attached to your leg it would be hard.

I'm riding the bus home on a Friday. Pauly and Penny are sitting up front because nobody likes them that much yet. June Bug is sitting by her new boyfriend, Chad. He's not that great, but Penny says he's a gentleman. He seems boring to me, and he's got orange hair. I'm back with the cool kids, well, not
with
them but at least
by
them. I've got a couple of friends on a different bus, though. Tonight is Sheryl and Uncle Stretch's wedding. It's out at the farm, and we have to get all dressed up.

Today at school, I got my first A in English class for the essay on personal experience I wrote for Mr. Dalton's class. He's usually pretty picky, but he said just surviving that tornado to write about it was pretty much worth an A right there. Also, he said I did well by attempting to write creative similes and using sensory description. Everybody got to read their essays up front, and I got asked the most questions. Penny's essay was well-written and had a lot of words nobody's ever heard of, but I couldn't even tell you what it was about, it was so boring. One other kid nearly stole my idea when he wrote an essay about a tornado, but nobody asked him even one question, because his was more about his grandpa and the tornado, which was boring. A bunch of his grandpa's cows got killed when the barn collapsed was all that really happened. The kid wasn't even there. He was visiting his other grandpa in a different town where there weren't any tornadoes.

When the bus drops us off, the farmyard is an amazing sight. Flowers are hanging from all the trees and there's an altar and some chairs set up in the grass, with a big tent over them. When Uncle Stretch and Sheryl said they were getting married at the farm, I imagined it taking place in the barn with squealing pigs running around, and Uncle Stretch trying to look good in a suit but having crap on his shoes.

“It's beautiful!” says Penny.

“Weally awesome!” says Pauly.

I say, “It ain't that great.”

Pauly says, “Whatevoh, P.P. Yoh just jealous.”

“Jealous?” I say. “Of what? I'm not old enough to get married. I don't even want to get married.”

We all walk up to the house. It's true—I don't want to get married, ever. Sheryl and Uncle Stretch both had failed relationships already, and look what happened to my parents' marriage. I like how things were in Africa. The men got to have two or three wives— sometimes more. There were these huge families and everybody seemed pretty happy. Probably because if the man of the house got in a fight with one of the wives, he'd just avoid her and hang out with a different one for a while.

When we get inside, Sheryl tells us we don't have much time to get ready because the wedding starts at six. Her hair is all done up, and she actually looks very nice. Well, her belly looks a little weird, but that's because it's all poofed out since she's pregnant. She's been really nice to everyone lately. I mean, I guess she's always been nice, but now she's even trying to get Uncle Stretch to not be such a grouch to everyone, which I appreciate. It doesn't always work—like the time he kicked me in the butt and called me lazy last week because I forgot to mow the lawn when I was supposed to and then smarted off about it—but still, it's been better. Penny says Sheryl's nesting instinct is kicking in.

It takes a while, but finally, we're all dressed. I must say, I look good. I'm wearing a black suit with a red tie, and my hair is combed. Sheryl tried getting me to the dentist to fix my tooth, but I faked a stomachache that day, so I could stay cool looking with the broken tooth. After that, no one tried to schedule another dentist visit. As for Pauly, his suit is supposed to match mine, but he spilled some milk on it already, so I look better. Penny and June Bug are wearing these red dresses with ribbons all over them. Uncle Stretch wears a white tuxedo with black cowboy boots that don't have any crap on them, and he's actually shaved for once. Sheryl's dress is white, too, and it hides her gut, but her bosoms are kind of way out there.

Some guests show up, the ceremony starts, and we all stand up by the front: me and Pauly on one side, and Penny and June Bug on the other. Uncle Stretch stands up there next to us, waiting for Sheryl. There are more people invited to the wedding than I thought there'd be, but I don't know most of them since they're Uncle Stretch's and Sheryl's friends. Jimmy is here with his dad, though. He got a normal haircut and he's wearing a tie like most of the men. Still, he's got his earrings in his ears and his pierced eyebrow, so he still found a way to look cooler than everybody else.

I wish Mom were here. She told us her appeal went through, and she had a good chance to be released early from jail, early enough to even make the wedding, maybe. But I guess she couldn't make it. She would've been happy to see all of us so dressed up and looking good, and she probably would've been especially happy for Uncle Stretch, her brother.

I miss Dad, too, but in a different sort of way. If he were here, that would mean he would be the preacher, the guy marrying Uncle Stretch and Sheryl. He would probably say things that would make people nervous God was going to kill them if they didn't do what God wanted. People probably wouldn't want to be thinking about getting killed at a wedding. So I'm sort of glad he's not here. Still, I miss him.

Finally, Sheryl comes out of the house and walks down the red carpet somebody rolled across the lawn. All the people in their seats stand up, and this person they hired to play a giant violin goes into some really loud stuff. This is good because Bernie and Brenda, who are tied to a tree, start whinnying—probably because they got scared. Though the music is loud, it sounds all right, and Sheryl is smiling like crazy as she walks down the carpet, holding some roses. They match the rose tattoo on her ankle, well, at least the part that's not tangled in barbed wire.

The ceremony doesn't last long. The most interesting part is when there's this man and woman, who look kind of like Uncle Stretch and Sheryl, who come up and do a song together. The guy has a really big red mustache and is wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath, and he tonks on his guitar while the lady—who's got really big thingies and a yellow dress that barely covers them—sings along. They look and sound kind of weird, but their voices, though warbly and unnatural, somehow go together and make an interesting tune. And you can tell they're both trying really hard by the way they've shut their eyes so tight. The guy looks almost like somebody maybe knifed him.

Another interesting part is when Pauly is supposed to give the rings to the preacher, but when he digs in his pocket for them and pulls out his fist, all he's got cupped in his hand is a bunch of Starburst candy wrappers. The second time he digs in there, he pulls out the rings. I'm sure everybody was worried he'd lost them. I know I was, for a second. The rest is boring until the preacher announces, “You are now man and wife. Stretch, you may kiss the bride.” Uncle Stretch is smiling like a little kid, smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen on his mean old face. Then he smooches her, and everybody claps, and it's done—they're married. The married couple gets on Brenda and rides a couple of laps around the farm while everybody hoots and hollers.

Afterwards, the party starts in the tent, and the weird-looking couple with the warbly voices plays the music. The guy unbuttons his leather vest and you can see his bare chest. He's got about ten curly chest hairs and a tattoo of a buffalo sitting there. He takes over the singing with a solo and all of a sudden the music sounds a lot worse. But the lady in the yellow dress kicks off her shoes and starts dancing, and other people copy her.

After a few songs, Sheryl comes up to me and tells me we're running low on punch and asks if Jimmy could take me to the store to buy some sherbet ice cream and ginger ale; she's already got the fruit juice. She says dinner starts in an hour, so would we hurry up, too? I go ask Jimmy, who's sitting at a table talking to this girl. He looks annoyed at first when he sees me but then says, okay, he'll do it, really nicely with a smile, probably just to impress the girl.

Penny sees me walking out with Jimmy and comes over. “Where are you going?” she asks.

“Gotta get some punch-bowl crap from the store for Sheryl,” I say.

“Can I come along? This party is kind of getting weird.”

I don't really want her to come, and Jimmy will probably be further annoyed, but I say, “I don't care. You have to ask Jimmy if we have enough room, though.”

She smiles this awkward smile at him and stutters, “D-d-do you think I could come along for the ride?”

He looks at her funny and says, “Don't matter to me.”

“Thanks,” she says, and blushes. I suppose she's got a stupid crush on him! Great.

We get to Jimmy's vehicle. An old, beat-up truck has replaced his old, beat-up car that got whipped away in the tornado. We get in, Penny in the middle—to her delight, I'm sure—and Jimmy starts it up and loud music comes blaring. He turns it down a little.

When we get to the end of the driveway to make the turn into town, Jimmy has to wait for this little blue sports car coming at us. The blue car slows down as it gets closer and puts on its blinker. Probably some guests who got the time of the wedding wrong or something. The car turns into the driveway, and Jimmy starts to pull out. As we pass it, the blue car stops and the window rolls down, and Mom's face looks out. It's Mom.

It's Mom!

“Stop the truck!” I yell at Jimmy, jumping out even before he'd completely stopped. The only other time I moved so quickly was being chased by the tornado.

Penny's right behind me, and we jump on Mom when she gets out of the car. We're laughing and crying and jumping and screaming and hugging and kissing.

“Percy!” she says. “What happened to your front tooth?”

“Pauly kicked it out!” I say. “But I already forgave him.”

“Oh, Lord,” she says. “You'll have to tell me all about it.”