“You don’t have to be scared. I’ll never hurt you or push you into something you don’t want. I can go and sit back over there if you want.”
“No, no, don’t go.” Astrin rolled over, very nearly falling off the bed, which really wasn’t big enough for two. Rowan threw his arm around him, pulling him back from the edge.
“That was close.” Rowan grinned, not moving his arm.
Astrin swallowed. “Yes, we are.”
“I’m sorry.” Rowan let go of him and sat up, wondering if he’d gone too far, too fast…
but it has to be fast, doesn’t it? This might be our only chance. This might be the only day.
Astrin was so beautiful. In that moment his beauty would have made angels weep, and it almost had that effect on Rowan. Although he had clarity enough to realize a good deal of that beauty came from something other than what was physically there, he didn’t care.
Rowan stroked a strand of pale gold hair. Astrin closed his eyes, and swallowed again.
“Is this okay? Are you okay with me doing this?”
Astrin opened his lips to speak, but he couldn’t, so he just nodded, lying still, his chest rising and falling rapidly. It crossed Rowan’s mind that perhaps it wasn’t good for him to get so excited… but a line had been crossed, and there was no going back now.
When he lightly brushed Astrin’s cheek with his fingers, Astrin’s whole body tensed and shuddered, but since Astrin didn’t open his eyes or say anything, Rowan was encouraged to continue.
After letting his fingers rake through Astrin’s silky hair, Rowan cupped Astrin’s cheek, caressing his lips with his thumb. Astrin gasped and jumped, opening his eyes wide.
“Sh, it’s okay. I won’t hurt you. You can tell me to stop if you like.”
For a long moment, Astrin stared into his eyes, searching. Then he shook his head and closed his eyes again.
Now what the hell does that mean? No, that he doesn’t want me to do it anymore? Or no he doesn’t want me to stop?
With aching slowness, he let his fingers trail down the side of Astrin’s face, then down over his neck to the open collar of his shirt. Astrin turned his head away, tilting it back, almost as if he had no choice in the matter.
However, when Rowan started to undo the top button of his shirt, Astrin turned back sharply and covered Rowan’s hand with his own. The look of doubt and confusion was back, so Rowan froze, returning Astrin’s gaze and letting his hand rest on Astrin’s chest, feeling the frantic beat of his heart.
After a while Astrin lifted his hand and touched Rowan’s face. Smiling slightly, Rowan leaned forward, just a little. Astrin’s hand shook as it traced the lines of Rowan’s face and touched his lips. Astrin looked as if he were going to cry.
This can’t be good for him.
“Astrin, maybe it would be better if we just talk, huh? Maybe I should go back and sit over there.” Rowan started to back away.
In response Astrin, still with his eyes locked with Rowan’s, slid his hand around to the back of Rowan’s neck and pulled him down. He stopped when their faces were about a foot apart. Rowan supported himself with his hands on either side of Astrin’s head.
Astrin licked his lips and retained the bottom one, trapped between his teeth to stop it from shaking. He looked scared, and it all but broke Rowan’s heart.
“Astrin, it’s obvious you’re not comfortable with this, and that’s fine. It’s okay. It really is okay. I completely understand.” Astrin smiled, releasing his lip, and pulled on Rowan’s neck again. He closed his eyes and raised his head to meet Rowan’s.
When their lips met, a jolt of something like electricity passed through Rowan. It seemed Astrin felt it too because he shuddered. He didn’t pull away, though, and that encouraged Rowan to slide his arms around Astrin, drawing him upward. Astrin buried his face in Rowan’s hair and wept.
Rowan was horrified and tried to break away, but Astrin wouldn’t let him, clinging to him with all his strength. In the end Rowan gave in and gently lowered Astrin back down onto the bed, stretched out next to him, and waited.
Stroking Astrin’s hair and back, Rowan stayed as still as possible, struggling to control his own heart and the obvious signs he was excited by the contact. He’d come to terms with his feelings for Astrin some time ago, but he’d never been this close with a man. He’d never kissed a man, never felt like this. Knowing something was very different from experiencing it, and he was scared too. He didn’t know how to handle the situation.
Eventually Astrin stopped crying and pulled back a little to look into Rowan’s eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? For what?”
“For acting like this.”
“How are you supposed to act?” Rowan lifted his hand to wipe away the tears, and Astrin sniffed.
“It’s not that I don’t… not that I don’t want to. It’s just… I’m so overwhelmed by it. I’ve never….”
“Hey… it’s okay. I know. I’m scared to death, Astrin. I may have recognized and acknowledged my feelings for you, but I’ve never done this before either. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. You’re everything to me. I’d no more hurt you than cut off my own leg. But I’m still scared half to death.”
Something changed in Astrin’s eyes, and it was as if the sun had come out from behind a cloud. “I forgot.”
“Astrin, this isn’t a big bang, step over the line, and it’s all sorted kind of thing. It’s a journey, and we’ve only just taken the first step—both of us. The fact that we’re going to travel together from now on is….” Rowan choked up because it hit him again that maybe there wouldn’t be a “now on.”
Despite the pain the statement caused him, it was worth it just to see the look in Astrin’s eyes and the smile that spread across his face from them.
“It’s not so scary when it’s the both of us,” Rowan said, stroking Astrin’s face.
“No, not so scary at all.”
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Apart from the fact that all this crying hasn’t done much for my headache, I’m feeling much better, thank you. In fact I feel… wonderful.” The last word was a sigh, accompanied by Astrin moving forward and brushing his lips over Rowan’s again. This time it was Rowan who trembled and sighed.
For the first time, Astrin totally relaxed into Rowan’s arms. When Rowan touched his lips with the tip of his tongue, he barely tensed at all. At first he was hesitant and shy, but as Rowan deepened the kiss, he responded more and more until he was the one taking the lead.
When Rowan began to gently caress Astrin’s side and back, he didn’t seem to notice, and when Rowan slipped his hand under Astrin’s shirt, he started and shivered but only melted further, pressing himself against Rowan and molding their bodies together.
Matching Rowan’s actions, Astrin gently tugged Rowan’s T-shirt free of his trousers, and touched the soft, smooth skin on his back. Astrin moaned, his hips unconsciously thrusting forward, meeting Rowan’s and rubbing together, sending a shock straight through them both.
Astrin’s breath hitched, and he broke the kiss. He stared at Rowan, who was feeling easily as stunned and uncertain as he seemed.
“Maybe we should…. Maybe…,” he gasped.
“Yes. We should definitely….” Their lips met again, and the desperation grew. Now the line had been well and truly crossed, and there was no going back. The knowledge that they were both in the situation for the first time appeared to embolden and excite Astrin so that he had no hesitation when he pushed Rowan backward, though fortunately not off the bed.
“What have I done? You’ve turned into a monster.”
Astrin laughed and raised himself up on his arms, looking down at his lover. “I know that part of me is turning into something monstrous.”
“Astrin, that’s shocking. How crude.” Rowan chuckled.
“I don’t know what you’re being so prudish about—yours is doing the same.”
Boldly he reached down and gripped Rowan firmly through his trousers. Rowan stiffened and… “What the hell…?”
Astrin smiled, his eyes glittering. “Rowan, I… I don’t know exactly what it is I’m feeling, but it’s strong, really strong. I’ve been holding it inside for so long that now it feels like if I don’t let it out, I’ll go insane. I need release, and I need it now.” As he said “now” he squeezed again, making Rowan moan.
“I… I don’t know. I’ve never… I’ve never even allowed myself to imagine we could get this far. Anything after this… I don’t know. I—I’m scared.”
“Don’t be scared,” Astrin whispered. “I’m not scared anymore.” Gently he massaged Rowan, who shuddered and squirmed under his hand.
“We… we shouldn’t. Someone might come.”
“Oh, yes… I’m sure someone will,” Astrin purred.
“Astrin!”
Smiling, Astrin brought his hand up again and stroked Rowan’s face. “It’s all right. I was only teasing. You’ve no idea how scared I’ve been and how liberated I feel. It’s been going round and round in my head for days and driving me insane.
“When you told me how you felt, it just made things worse. No….” He put a finger on Rowan’s lips. “It wasn’t your fault. I’d been feeling it for ages, at the least from the time I healed you, maybe before. That night—the night I healed you…. We were in the car and you… you half woke up, and you nearly… we nearly kissed. That was when I blasted you with more energy to put you to sleep and almost killed myself. I knew I was falling in love with you, but I wouldn’t face it. It was just too scary.
“Maybe that was it… maybe there was just too much fear, too much to cope with all at once. I don’t know. What I do know is that when I healed you the second time, when I thought I was going to lose you again, I’d have done anything, anything at all to save you.”
Rowan stared at him and felt physically sick. He closed his eyes and rolled away, getting to his feet.
“What’s wrong? Did I say the wrong thing?”
Rowan turned and smiled at him. “You could never say the wrong thing, because everything you say is right.”
“Then what is it?”
“I….” Rowan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “If we don’t stop now, I won’t be able to stop, and this is not the time or the place. I want our first time to be special, not here in this place. Not like this.”
Astrin looked up at him with stars in his eyes and smiled brightly. Getting to his feet, he put his arms around Rowan and pulled him close again to kiss.
“I’m getting addicted to this,” Astrin whispered; then they didn’t say anything for a while.
Eventually Astrin pulled away, still with his arms around Rowan. “Wherever I am, it’s special if it’s with you, but I know what you mean. If you want to wait, then I’ll wait.”
“It’s not that I
want
to wait, Astrin. I want it all—here and now. I want access to your soul. I want to join together so we can never again be apart. I want everything, but… it’s just not right. It doesn’t feel right—with your father and my uncle downstairs and a dozen people who could come in at any time. It’s dirty and the bed’s uncomfortable and you’re… we’re new to this. We should take it slowly.”
“Yeah… slowly.” Astrin brought his face to Rowan’s and kissed him again. This kiss was different. It was gentle, sweet, and undemanding. This kiss broke Rowan’s heart.
“Shall we go downstairs now?” Astrin said when the kiss ended. “Is there any food left?”
“Do you ever think of anything else?”
“Oh, from now on I will.”
“Oh save us! Sex and food. What a combination.”
Astrin gave a sexy smile. “Actually, that sounds like a very good combination.”
“Not here, it doesn’t.”
“You can be such a spoilsport sometimes.”
Rowan stood in the middle of the floor with his arms around Astrin and Astrin’s around him. This should have been the happiest moment of his life. It was what he’d been dreaming of for what seemed like a very long time… but it was spoiled. It was wrong, all wrong because when he looked into Astrin’s eyes he couldn’t see how beautiful they were. He couldn’t see the love and light that shone there. All he could see was death.
He raised his hand to touch Astrin’s face.
“How are you feeling now? Is it true endorphins cure headaches?”
Astrin smiled. “I’m not sure about generally, but they’ve not made much headway with mine.” He sighed, coming down from his high. “I’m really tired. There’s been so much stress and anxiety, and now that we’re here and we’re safe, I think it’s all caught up with me.”
“Then you should rest.”
“That’s what Neive said, and I
was
resting. I was minding my own business, chilling on my bed, then this raving nymphomaniac turned up and seduced me, so what could I do?”
“You could have fought a bit harder.”
Astrin’s look turned serious. “But I didn’t want to fight harder. I didn’t want to fight at all. I’ve had enough of that. It’s time to surrender.”
“No.” Rowan was suddenly alarmed. “No, don’t say that, not yet. Don’t say it’s time to surrender, not until you’re safe.”
“Safe? What do you mean safe?”
“I… I mean until… until we’re all safe… home.”
Astrin gave him an odd look but didn’t take it any further. “You can be weird sometimes.”
Rowan smiled, trying to hide how shaken he was. “Do you want to go downstairs or do you want me to see if there is anything left and bring it up here?”
“I don’t know. Part of me is saying that if we stay up here, I’m going to end up losing control with you. And part of me is saying I’m tired, I have a headache, and I don’t really want to go downstairs and make conversation. It’s so stuffy down there. It’s not much better up here, but at least there aren’t so many people at the moment. Gods, I wish I could just have some fresh air. I’d give anything to feel the wind on my face, to just stand and breathe in the freshness. All right, this is a city and the air’s not exactly the freshest, but still… it would be cool out there, and there’ll be a breeze and….”
“Astrin, we’re in the Heart of the South. It’s hot enough to cook on the pavements and any breeze is likely to take your skin off. We’re far better off in here with the TCE.”
“I know,” Astrin said wistfully. “I do know. It’s just….” He gave a heavy sigh. “I feel as if there isn’t enough air in here, as if no matter how deeply I breathe, I’m not taking in enough to satisfy me. Maybe it’s just me, but the TCE doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job of controlling the temperature in
this
environment. Ah well, I don’t suppose it’ll be for long.”