Hostage (37 page)

“No,” said Rowan, turning away to hide the tears in his eyes. “It won’t be long.”

L
OOKING
FOR
A
NSWERS
IN
THE
D
ARK

E
VERYONE
TURNED
to look at Rowan as soon as he walked into the room. Both Charles and Hersten hurried over.

“How is he?” Hersten asked.

Rowan could barely look him in the eye. “Happy,” he murmured. “Hungry, or so he says, but… he still has a bad headache, and he says he feels like there’s not enough air to breathe. He has no idea he’s ill.”

“What have you been talking about?”

Blushing, Rowan looked away. “We haven’t been… talking, as such.”

“What do you mean? You have been keeping his mind occupied, haven’t you?”

“Oh yeah, for sure.”

Charles, who was more sensitive to such things and was certainly more sensitive to his nephew, put his hands on Rowan’s shoulders. Rowan tried to turn away, but Charles wouldn’t let him. Rowan had never been able to resist his uncle, and he had to look him in the eyes. Charles seemed shocked.

“This is hurting you.”

“More than I can bear.”

“It’s surprising how much a man can bear, Rowan, and more so men like us. We are the rulers, the leaders, the role models. We are the ones who have to bear hardships so that others can bear so much more. I know you and Astrin have become friends, but I also know that whatever happens, you will bear it and you will go on.”

“You know nothing,” Rowan spat out. The pain and helplessness he’d been feeling poured out in a burst of vitriol, like puss from a lanced boil. “You talk of moving on, of leading and ruling, but I care nothing—nothing, for
any
of it.” His voice rose as he spoke, his face contorting with the attempt to keep tears at bay. “I’d give up anything I have, everything I am, my life itself if I could make him well.”

“Rowan—”

“
No
! You don’t understand. None of you understand. He’s better than me. He’s better than me in everything. He’s a better leader, a better king… a better person. He’s calm and wise and strong and… and he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t
deserve
it.”

By the end Rowan was almost screaming… then he cracked and half fell into his uncle’s arms. The tears he’d been holding back for so long burst forth in uncontrolled sobbing.

“What’s going on?” a voice asked from the doorway. “I heard shouting.” The room became dead silent as everyone turned to stare at Astrin. “What’s going on? Why is everyone…? Rowan!” He saw Rowan, still in his uncle’s arms, and flew across the room. “What have you done to him?” he demanded.

“Nothing. No one has done anything to him, Astrin. He’s a little overwhelmed by everything, that’s all.”

“Overwhelmed? He doesn’t look overwhelmed to me. He looks devastated. He was happy when he came downstairs. What did you say to him? What did you do to him?”

“Nothing, Astrin,” Rowan choked out. “They didn’t say anything, I swear. It was just… just like he said. He asked me if I was all right, and everything just… came out.”

“It’s okay, Rowan, I understand. You know how I’ve been over all this. Come on, let’s go back upstairs and we can fall apart together.”

Looking suspiciously around the room, Astrin led Rowan away.

“M
ORE
THAN
friends, it seems,” Hersten murmured.

“I cannot deny it, although I wish it were otherwise.”

“You do?” Hersten gave Charles a look that was surprised and possibly a little challenging.

“Rowan is often impulsive,” Charles explained “He thinks with his heart and not his head. When he becomes committed to something, he throws himself into it with all his heart and soul. Look at all the years he held on to that ridiculous hatred, listening to no counsel.

“I have never seen that look in his eyes before, and I truly believe he loves Astrin. If anything were to happen to Astrin now it would tear Rowan’s heart out, and I fear that it would destroy him.”

Hersten looked at his friend, his face dark and troubled. “It’s a dark day, Charles, a dark day indeed. We are both staring loss in the face, and both equally helpless to do anything about it.”

“Perhaps Neive will bring us good news.”

“Perhaps. She was not confident.”

“No… not confident, but still… there is hope, Hersten. There is always hope, to the very end.”

“S
O
WHAT
’
S
going on?” Astrin demanded as soon as they were alone.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“There’s more to this than everything catching up with you. What did he say? What did he say that hurt you?”

Tears welled up again. Damn. Why did he have to fall apart like this? Why now? The trouble was, now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. The more he tried, the faster the tears flowed.

Astrin took him into his arms and held him, not saying anything. That took Rowan another step along the “even worse” road.
This is all wrong. Astrin shouldn’t be comforting me. It’s all wrong
.

Bowing to the inevitable, he allowed Astrin to hold him and sobbed into his shoulder. He was barely aware when Astrin gently steered him over to the bed. He looked up, however, when Astrin moved away from him.

“Just wait a minute.”

Struggling a little, Astrin pushed the next bed over until it met the one Rowan was sitting on, making a bigger bed that they could both lie on comfortably. Rowan lay down and Astrin threw himself down next to him, slinging his arm across Rowan’s waist. Astrin lay quietly, not saying anything, waiting.

Rowan stared into Astrin’s beautiful eyes, and the thought that sometime soon they might close for the last time struck him, ripping upward through his guts and forcing tears out of his eyes.

“What is it?” Astrin asked, alarmed.

“Nothing. I just… I love you, Astrin.”

Rowan clung to him and Astrin smiled into his hair. “I love you too, Rowan,” he said softly, for the first time.

Once the tears subsided, Rowan began to drift and could imagine that everything was going to be all right after all. He listened to the steady beat of Astrin’s heart and simply couldn’t believe it was going to stop any time soon. He was still listening to it and feeling Astrin’s hand playing with his hair when he fell into sleep.

R
OWAN
WOKE
with a start because Astrin was moaning and squirming beside him. It was still light so he could clearly see the sweat on Astrin’s brow and the pain in his face. Rowan was absolutely terrified. Was this it? Was Astrin dying? Right now
?

“Astrin. Astrin, please…. What’s happening? Please.”

Desperately Rowan shook Astrin, even while he felt it was hopeless. It shocked him when Astrin shuddered, gasped, and opened his eyes, sitting up so suddenly he almost knocked Rowan backward. Astrin stared at Rowan as if he didn’t see him. Then he flung his arms around Rowan and started to cry. He was shaking.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“The dream, Rowan. It was the dream.”

“Again?” Trying to push down his own fear, he soothed Astrin’s. “It’s still only a dream.”

Astrin pulled away from him and shook his head. “It’s not just a dream. It’s a vision and I’m in it. It’s here now. Right now. The darkness. It’s everywhere.”

“Hush, Astrin. It’s a dream.”

Again Astrin shook his head. “It’s not a dream, Rowan,” Astrin said, a shudder shaking his body. “There’s something wrong, something wrong with me.” He narrowed his eyes. “You know, don’t you? You know what it is.”

Rowan tried to turn away, but Astrin caught his face and turned it back.

“It’s all right, Rowan. I know they told you not to tell me. I know that’s why you’ve lied.”

“What? But how…?”

Astrin smiled. “The vision was a lot clearer this time.”

“What did you see?”

“Darkness. I saw you with someone’s hand over your mouth. It means someone wants to stop you from telling me something. Then there was the darkness. It swallowed everything… everything, Rowan.” Astrin looked into his eyes and Rowan could see it; he could see the darkness.

“I was lost. I was lost in the darkness. It swallowed me, and there was nothing. From all around came needles of fire, falling like rain and burning right through me. It was awful, agony. But then, there was the hand. I tried so hard to reach it. I knew if I could reach it, I’d be safe. But I couldn’t. Like before, it just kept getting farther and farther away.”

Rowan pulled Astrin into his arms and held him tight, squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears that were nearly falling again.

“The thing is, Rowan,” Astrin whispered close to his ear, “this time it didn’t go away. It’s still here. The darkness is still here.”

“It’s in your mind, Astrin. It’s a dream. It just feels real, that’s all.”

Astrin pulled away and pursed his lips in an expression Rowan had come to recognize as uncompromising stubbornness. “It’s not a dream, Rowan,” he insisted. “I feel it. It’s here.” He put his hand over his heart and then moved it to his temple. “And here.” He frowned. “It’s everywhere.”

“It’ll be all right.”

Astrin stared at him, still frowning. Rowan raised his hand and laid it on the side of Astrin’s face. Astrin covered it with his own, then bent his head toward it. His gaze wandered away as if he were thinking about something.

Rowan watched him. Love, sadness, and fear warred in his heart. It struck him, almost forcibly, that Astrin was still only seventeen. He was a year and a half younger than Rowan, but it had never felt like that, never. Astrin was by far the more mature of the two, and Rowan had fallen into the habit of thinking of him as at least the same age. Now he looked very young, young and tired.

“Astrin, I—”

Astrin jumped a little, startled. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Where did you go?” Rowan smiled fondly, but Astrin didn’t return it.

“What?”

“You were far away. Where did you go?”

Astrin dropped his eyes, then raised them again with shadows flickering in their depths. “Rowan, I-I don’t feel good. Can you please go get my father?”

Rowan’s eyes widened, startled. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. The darkness was there, and it was… it…. I looked into it, and it….” Astrin let his head fall forward onto Rowan’s shoulder. “Please, Rowan. Please get him.”

Carefully Rowan leaned forward, supporting Astrin until he was lying down. Astrin’s eyes were heavy, and it was almost as if, when he looked at Rowan, he didn’t really see him.

“I won’t be long. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Astrin nodded and allowed his lids to fall.

With a pounding heart, Rowan fled the room and vaulted down the stairs. All conversation stopped when he flung open the door and ran to Hersten, pulling him by the arm. By this time he was so out of breath, he could only gasp, “Astrin!”

Hersten overtook Rowan and was first into the bedroom. Astrin was as Rowan had left him, and when his father sat down next to him his eyes flickered open only to close again on the wings of a sigh.

Hersten took his son’s hand in his own and sat for a time, still and silent. Rowan stood back a little, chewing on his thumb. When Hersten gently laid Astrin’s hand down on the blanket and got up, Rowan took a step forward, his eyes pleading.

“Is he all right?”

Hersten looked grave, but he gave Rowan a kindly smile. “For now. He’s asleep. I don’t understand what’s happening to him. It’s as if there’s a darkness gathering within him. It’s permeating every part of his body, but it isn’t doing much damage at the moment. It’s just draining him, making him feel exhausted. It’s almost as if it has sentience, as if it’s somehow weakening him before it attacks.”

“Is that possible? That somehow the poison is sentient? Is that why it can’t be healed, because it’s alive?”

Hersten looked at him thoughtfully. “It’s possible. I don’t know whether that makes any difference in the end, though, Rowan. If it can’t be healed, it can’t be healed.”

Rowan frowned. “There’s a way. I know there’s a way. There has to be.”

Hersten put a hand on his shoulder. “I know you care for my son, Rowan. I’m grateful that you have looked after him so well, and I am glad that at… at this time, he has you to support him. You know I will do everything I can—he’s my son. But right now I can’t see anything I
can
do. We must pray that Neive finds someone to help us.”

When Hersten left, Rowan lay down on the bed next to Astrin and held his hand. Astrin stirred but didn’t wake.

“Be all right. Please be all right. I don’t know what I’d do… I don’t know if I could…. Please.” The only sign Astrin had heard him was a sigh.

Astrin slept for the rest of the day, but when he woke he was still exhausted, barely able to get out of bed. He took a shower, which seemed to revive him a little, but wasn’t up to going downstairs. Rowan brought up some food, but Astrin didn’t even look at it.

“What’s wrong with me, Rowan?” he asked when they were lying together. Rowan had just kissed him, and Astrin had broken the kiss because he was just too tired to sustain it.

“You’re just tired.”

“It’s more than that. You know what it is. I know they’ve told you not to, but please… I want to know.”

“I… nothing… nothing, you’re fine. Just tired.”

“I am tired, but that’s not it. That’s not even close to it.”

Rowan closed his eyes, but he wasn’t going to escape that easily. Astrin laid his hand on the side of Rowan’s face. “It’s all right, baby. I won’t push you anymore. I won’t fight with you. I know it’s hard for you. I know it is. Don’t worry. Rest with me.”

As Astrin’s words washed over him, Rowan relaxed and felt himself drifting. He was calm and at peace. Somewhere in the back of his mind, something warned him that this wasn’t right. This was too….