Hot & Bothered (A Hostile Operations Team Novel - Book 8) (3 page)

“Repulsive? God, no. You’re the most beautiful woman I know. How could you think that for even a second?”

She laughed without humor. “Forgive me for having a hard time with this, but I asked you to kiss me and you acted like I wanted you to eat a worm or something.”

He cupped her face in both his hands, his broad palms warm against her cheeks. She couldn’t help but sigh. And shiver, because need was a strong drumbeat in her core right now. She didn’t know if she could let him do more than kiss her, but she wanted him to.

“I can think of nothing I’d rather do than kiss you,” he said fiercely. “But it would change everything if I did.”

“Maybe I want it to change.” She closed her eyes. “Wait, no. I know better. I know we could never date like normal people. I wouldn’t want you to lose your job because of me. And you would, I know that. I’m
persona non grata
. Just hanging out with you guys like I did tonight is bad, but Colonel Mendez makes that much possible. I don’t know how, but I know he does. If it weren’t for him, I’d have never seen any of you again after Qu’rim.”

Ryan swallowed. “The colonel is a powerful man. More powerful than some generals I can think of, which is good for us. But he can only do so much.”

“I know. I’m grateful for the life I have… but I want more.” She hesitated for a long moment. And then she blurted out the truth. “Just once, I want you. I missed you so much.”

He leaned forward until his forehead touched hers. They were still, silent. She smelled the warmth of his skin, felt the soft exhalations of his breath, and her heart ached.

“I’ve wanted to touch you like this for a very long time. Just touch you.”

The ball of emotion in her chest hurt. “Then touch me. Touch me the way you want. If I’m ever going to be with anyone again…” She gulped. “I don’t know that I can, quite honestly. But if there’s a chance, it’s with you.”

Zaran hadn’t raped her, but he’d taken delight in physically punishing her the deeper he sank into his mania. She’d trusted him once, and he’d betrayed that trust. He’d turned into someone completely different from the kind, sweet young Muslim man he’d been when they’d met in New Orleans. It still filled her with anguish to think about the man he used to be.

She’d killed Zaran in self-defense—but he’d killed the Zaran she’d fallen for long before that day. She’d been a widow for years before she’d become a widow in truth.

Ryan sucked in a breath. And then he let her go abruptly and stood. Her heart sank.

“I’m going to shower and change.” He picked up a remote and handed it to her. “Watch something if you like. We’ll talk when I’m done, okay?”

She took the remote, but she didn’t turn on the television. Instead, she watched him walk into his room and shut the door. She thought about leaving. She couldn’t do it. This was the last time she’d see him, maybe forever, and she wasn’t walking out of here without at least one kiss.

Emily finally turned on the television and flipped to the news. A reporter talked about the growing radicalism of the Islamic splinter groups in the Middle East. Her heart skipped and her pulse throbbed as a video of a Qu’rimi militant with a balaclava on his head and an assault rifle in his hand gesticulated to a video camera.

Death to the American infidels. Death to Western capitalism. We will find you and we will crush you. You are not safe. We will not rest until we have killed every American on this earth. We will not rest.

It was the same rhetoric as always, but it chilled her nonetheless. She’d heard it preached in the camps, and she’d heard them plan assaults against civilian targets as a means of inspiring terror and change.

But that kind of assault didn’t lead to change. It led to war and death.

Emily turned off the television and fell back against the cushions. The reality of what was about to happen to her life hit her. She’d agreed to go back, to be a part of that world again. The madness and fear she’d despised would be part of her daily existence once more.

She put her hands over her face and sat there, breathing deeply and praying that when morning came, she would still have the strength to join Ian Black.

She could back out. She knew that. She could simply go back home, unpack, and go about her life.

But it was half a life, wasn’t it? No matter how hard she worked or how good she was, the damage she’d done when she’d married Zaran would be with her for the rest of her days. No man would ever want her when they understood she couldn’t even go on a fucking cruise to the Caribbean, much less fly to Paris for the trip of a lifetime. How did you explain those things to a potential partner?

No, she wasn’t backing out. She wasn’t giving up this chance to make things right again. It was one mission. One critical mission. She could do this, and then she’d be back home and maybe everything would be better than ever.

She heard the shower turn on. She pictured the spray, pictured Ryan standing beneath it, his body tanned and hard. She pictured herself there, imagined running her hands over his muscles, imagined him kissing her, sliding inside her, taking her to heaven.

Emily stood and walked toward the bedroom.

CHAPTER THREE

RYAN STOOD UNDER THE SPRAY and let the water pummel him. He’d been doing push-ups when Emily knocked on his door. He hadn’t expected anyone, but when he’d looked out the peephole and seen her standing there, his heart had dropped to his toes.

He’d thought something was wrong with her. He’d been ready to slay dragons for her. Except he couldn’t slay the one dragon she asked him to kill. Touching her, kissing her—it was wrong. She’d had a rough life with a maniac, and she didn’t need to be a part of the kind of life Ryan led.

She needed a man who could be there for her, not a man who dropped everything and disappeared for weeks on end. A man who might not return. Danger was a regular part of his life, and Emily didn’t deserve that. She’d had enough adversity to last her a lifetime.

Then why do you keep talking to her, asshole?

Yeah, why did he? That was the one thing he couldn’t seem to stop doing even though he knew he should. Every time he said to himself that this was it, this was the day he told her he couldn’t keep texting with her and talking to her, he couldn’t make himself say it. The thought of not hearing her voice made a ball of ice form in his gut. So he let himself have a pass that day. And the next and the next.

Now it had come to this. She was here, telling him she wanted him, and he still couldn’t make her leave.

Ryan turned his face up and let the water flood down over his eyes and nose for a long minute. Then he stepped back and took a deep breath, slicking his hand over his head as he did so.

He turned off the tap and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist and stepping from the shower. He’d needed these few minutes away from her so he could shore up his defenses. But what if she hadn’t waited? What if he walked out into the living room and it was unoccupied?

Maybe that would be best. Yet it also made him feel hollow inside. And cowardly, because he shouldn’t need her to make the decision he was supposed to make.

Ryan stalked into his bedroom—and ground to a halt at the sight of Emily sitting on his bed. Her golden hair gleamed in the light of the lamp, framing her face in a halo. She looked like an angel sitting there, so sweet and achingly lovely—and clothed, thank God, because he hated to think what would have happened to him if she hadn’t been.

She shrugged and gave him a shy smile. “I wasn’t brave enough to be naked when you emerged. But pretend I am, okay?”

Leave it to Emily to go right to the heart of the matter. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Do you want me, Ryan?”

His cock was going to do the answering for him in about thirty seconds. His blood was rushing south, and things were in motion no matter how hard he tried not to let it happen.

“You’re a beautiful woman. I’m a man who likes women. I think you know the answer.”

Her fingers went to the buttons of her shirt, and his heart skipped several beats.

“I know you think I’m fragile. And maybe I am, but I know if I can ever do this again, ever be whole and enjoy sex, it has to be with you. Tonight.”

He didn’t deny the fragile part, though it was in direct counterpoint to what he’d told Brandy earlier. Yeah, he thought she was fragile. And stronger than hell. She was an enigma to him.

“Jesus, Emily. You couldn’t kiss the guy. So what? That doesn’t mean you need to come over here and have sex with me just to prove you can.”

Her fingers were still moving down the buttons, still slipping them free, until he could see a hint of lace and a line of skin from her collarbone to her waist.

She got to her feet and pulled the shirt from her jeans. Then she let it fall down her arms. Her breasts were full for a small girl, and her skin was so pale and creamy. He might have made a noise of frustration at the sight of all that skin.

His cock was definitely interested now. No more hiding what was happening south of the border.

Her gaze slipped down to the tent in his towel. She swallowed, and he was engulfed with a wave of tenderness for her.

“Emily…” When she looked up at him, he smiled softly. God, she was killing him. “Is this really what you want?”

“Yes. You, Ryan. Just this once if that’s all it can be. I promise I won’t come over here again. I won’t ask you for more. I won’t act like this is something it’s not.”

“You have to understand…” He blew out a frustrated breath. “You’ve been through a lot these past few years. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be another black mark in your life.”

She took a step toward him and then another. He didn’t move as she stopped in front of him and put a hand on his arm. She ran her fingertips lightly up his forearm, his bicep, across his chest. What she said next pierced his heart.

“You aren’t a black mark. You’re the brightest spot there is.”

* * *

Emily’s heart was about to pound out of her chest. But she was running out of time, and if this night slipped away and she didn’t kiss this man—make love to him—she might never have another chance.

No, she would
never
have another chance. Because even if she survived working for Ian Black, Ryan wouldn’t ever want her again. She was about to betray him—betray them all—in a big way. Not because she was doing anything wrong, but because they wouldn’t want her to do it. Colonel Mendez had never offered her this chance. She was certain that had everything to do with Victoria. And maybe Ryan too.

They were too protective, too worried. She loved them for it, but she also felt more and more suffocated as the days went by.

Her fingers glided over his skin, skimmed the planes of muscle. He stood very still and let her touch him, but he couldn’t hide the reaction beneath his towel. Swarms of butterflies swirled in her belly as she reached for the edge of his towel and unhooked it.

It fell to the floor, revealing hot, hard muscle and a very stiff cock.
 

“Oh,” she breathed.

He caught her hand before she could reach for him, and her gaze collided with his. He looked like a lion ready to pounce. A lion currently working very hard not to do so.

“I should tell you to get the hell out of here… but I can’t. God help me, I can’t.”

“That’s good,” she whispered. “Because I think I will die if you send me away.”

He dragged in a harsh breath. “If at any moment you’re scared, you need to tell me. Don’t stay quiet and hope it gets better.”

She put her hand on his stubbled cheek. “How could I be afraid of you? You took care of me in Qu’rim, and you’ve been a friend to me through everything. I’m not afraid, Ry.”

Yes, she’d wondered if she could be intimate with a man again, but she didn’t wonder anymore. She knew, because the moment his body was revealed to her, wetness and longing had flooded all the darkest recesses of her inner core.

Nothing Ryan could do would scare her. He was too good to her, always had been, and she didn’t fear him. He was the only man—the
only
man—who could touch her this way.

He turned his head and pressed a kiss into her palm, and she shuddered with the hot sensation flowing through her nerve endings. Her clit swelled and tingled, her folds grew wetter, and her pussy ached in a way she’d almost forgotten. She hadn’t felt desire in so very long.

Ryan hooked her arm around his neck and tugged her in, flush to his body. Their skin met, his hot and damp from his shower, hers hot from looking at him.

He slid a broad hand down her back, over her ass, and flexed his hips against her. He was big and hard and far stronger than she was—but she didn’t fear. He wouldn’t hurt her. Never.

His skin against hers was heaven. She pressed her mouth to his chest, dragged her tongue across the taut muscle until she found his nipple. He stiffened and swore when she sucked it into her mouth.

And then the world tilted and she realized he’d swept her up into his arms. He carried her over to his bed and laid her down on it. While she watched the play of dark and light across his beautiful body, he unzipped her jeans and tugged them down her body. Her panties and bra followed in short order.