Hot Tea (20 page)

“Ah-ha!  Then it’s true.  At least the great sex part, cause you said you never said it was Jessie, but you didn’t say that it didn’t happen.  Now it isn’t a question of if, but of whom.”  I beamed, quite proud of my abilities at deduction, or really, setting a wee little trap for my sister, whatever, it worked. 

I said, “True, you never said it was Jessie, but then, you never said it wasn’t.”

“You didn’t give me a chance to say anything.”

“You don’t need me to give you a chance, you make your own chances, you would have steamrolled right over the top of me just to shut me up if I wasn’t right.”

“As a matter of fact, I did have occasion to see Jessie.”

“How did that come to pass?”

“You’re the Internet wizard now.  I’m sure you can figure it out if you try.  The other day when we were talking about him, I got to thinking.  I did a search on the Internet.  Low and behold, he has a MySpace account that I was able to locate.  It said he was still local and single, so I sent him a message.  The rest, as they say, is history.”

“Oh My God!  I should smack the crap out of you!”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s why you stormed out and blamed it on me.  You took off with him, using our fight as a cover so Mom wouldn’t worry that you were out cavorting with some tall, dark and handsome.  She figured, as we all did, that you were offended by what I’d done - sorry about that by the way - and that you were off trying to heal your psyche.”

“Oh, I healed my psyche.  Several times.”  She laughed the most wonderful laugh, it bubbled from her toes all the way up to the Heavens.  That’s just one of the reasons she could have a starring role in any princess movie.  

I couldn’t help it.  I had to be pleased for her.  She seemed happy.

Her voice took a more serious tone, “Cara, for the record, you should know that I didn’t storm out to be with Jessie.  I stormed out because you really did hurt my feelings.  I went home, ate enough chocolate to sink a small battle ship, got on the computer and IM’ed Jessie.  He was so nice to me.  He remembers you, by the way.”  The way she said that he remembered me, made it sound like there was the tiniest chance that he didn’t remember me in a good light.

She continued, “He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink.  We ended up at that little bookstore on Belker.  We drank tea and talked and caught up with each other.  I went and talked to Mom the next morning.  We had a good talk.  On my way over to your place, to kill you in your sleep, Jessie called and invited me out for breakfast.  We had a quick bite, decided to head out of town and spend a few days at the beach, I stopped by your house, left the note on your fridge, and took off.”

“I’m sorry I abused you.”

“Abuse might be a bit harsh, but you were a jerk.”

“I’m sorry I acted like a jerk.”

“I’m sorry you’re a jerk too.”

“I said I acted like one, I do not admit to being one.  Teagan, I keep telling you, it’s all about the subtleties!”

We both laughed.  Teagan gave me a big hug and headed for the kitchen to make tea.  I jumped up, took a quick shower, threw on some yoga pants and a t-shirt and joined her at the table. 

Teagan poured out tea as I sat.  She said, “Mom said that she has a job for us to do.  She didn’t go into detail, she told me to head over here and you’d fill me in.  She also said to remind you that she’s gonna need help with the food for the wake.  Liam and I are in charge of setting up tables and chairs, setting the tables, all that kind of stuff.  Sinead is in charge of the obituary and picking out the readings and stuff for the service.  Seamus is in charge of getting all the old ladies Bernie hung out with to the church and the cemetery.  Troya is doing the guest book and the thank you notes.  Better her than me.  I suck at thank you notes.  What else?”

“Did Mom say what happened to Bernie?  Have they figured out how she died?”

“I’m assuming old age Cara.  The woman was 147 if she was a day.”

“I’m sure you’re right.  I just get a funny feeling every time I think about it.  Just kind of unsettled.”

“Mom’s also gonna want you or Maeve to go to the funeral home and help spiff Bernie up.  O’Gorman’s does a great job with most things, but their hair and makeup department always leaves something to be desired.”

“No problem.  If Maeve is busy with the kids, I’ll help Mom.”

“Better you than me.  I think you guys are insane.  There is no way I would go put makeup on a dead person.  Or do their hair.  I would freak.”

“Teagan, if they didn’t hurt you when they were alive, they aren’t going to hurt you when they’re dead.  You being the queen of all things glamour would be much better at this than I would.”

“I know, but, yuck.”

“Mom has a hard time letting go of some of the old ways.  I think the reason she drags us there to do the old-fashioned stuff is so that we won’t forget how to do it or that it needs to be done.  One day, it will be her turn, and I’m sure that she wants it done the old-fashioned way.”

“You would actually do her makeup and hair?”

“I did Grandma’s”

“You sure did.  I still can’t believe that.”

“It isn’t a big deal.  The funeral home already had her dressed.  All I did was curl her hair with a curling iron, comb it out with my fingers, and apply her makeup.”

“You did a great job.”

“Thanks.  For Mom and Daddy, it’s all about respect.  I did it for them, not for Grandma.  Grandma couldn’t have cared less at that point.”

Teagan gave me a look.  “I fully intend to outlive you, but if I don’t, I want it known right here and now, that I am a organ donor, that I want to be cremated, and that I do not want an open casket.  I already checked out the whole open casket thing, and it doesn’t work for me.”

“What?  You tested it out?  What did you do, climb in for a fitting?”

“No, not the actual laying in the casket part, the what I’ll look like laying in the casket part.”

“Teagan, what the hell are you talking about?”

“I checked to see what my face will look like when I’m dead.  Cara, it isn’t pretty.”

“What?”

“You’ve never checked your face for death and being on top?”

“On top of what?”

A patented Teagan eye roll followed by, “On top of a guy, stupid!”

“Why would I be dead on top of a guy?”

“Are you just not awake yet or are you stupid?”

“If those are my only two options, I’m going with not awake yet.”

Teagan took a very loud deep breath, to make sure I understood how she has to suffer with me, “Then allow me to explain.  Again.  There are two very important things every girl should know.  What she is going to look like dead and what she looks like when she is on top of a guy.  I find it hard to believe that you’ve gotten to your advanced age and not only haven’t checked, but didn’t even know about it.”

“You’re insane.”

“Maybe, but I know what I’ll look like dead and I know that I only have a few more good years on top and I’m making the best of them.”

“I think this is really more information than I need Teagan.  We’re dancing on the edge of trauma here.”

“Don’t be silly.”

“My sister the porn star.  I don’t even want to know where you were with all the mirrors.”

“What?”

“The mirrors.  Hello?  Watching yourself on top.”

Teagan rolled her eyes yet again, “Oh my God, you have no imagination at all.”

“I have enough of an imagination that the visuals from this conversation are going to cause me to seek help from a mental health professional for the first time in my life.”

With that Teagan sprang from the table, went into my bathroom, and came back holding my hand mirror.

I admit I freaked just a little bit.

Teagan saw the horror on my face and burst out laughing.

“You dingleberry!  Relax!”  She put the mirror on the table and went about teaching me yet another life lesson, life according to Teagan anyway.

In her best teachers voice, and remember, we went to Catholic school, so that teacher was a nun, she said, “Ok, it is important for you to relax.  Take a deep breath, put your hands to the side of your face, one on each side, from your temple to your jaw, right at your hairline, and gently, very gently, pull back with even pressure toward the back of your head.  When your lips are smooshed almost flat, that’s what you’re going to look like laid out.”

“This is ridiculous.  Hopefully by the time I’m laid out, I’ll be so old I’ll be covered in wrinkles.”

“But when your muscles are relaxed because you’re dead, they won’t be as noticeable.  Cara, this isn’t an exact thing, it will just give you an idea.  Go ahead.  Try it.  I swear you won’t have an open casket either.”

Feeling completely foolish, but wanting to shut Teagan up, I decided to go ahead and give it a try.

Fine.  I put all my fingers in all the right places and I pulled back ever so gently until my lips flattened a bit, but not all the way to 4
^th
-grade-scare-the-first-graders tight. 

Teagan held up the mirror for me to take a look.

I gasped.  I swear to God, I actually gasped.  It was not a pretty sight.  Not even a little bit.  I said to Teagan, “When you’re right, you’re right.  No open casket for me.  Unless I should die before Mom and Daddy, then whatever they want works for me.”

“That’s good, cause whatever they want, is what we would do.”

Teagan was getting into this whole teacher thing.  She said, “Lesson number two.”

“We don’t need another lesson.  You proved your point.”

“Oh, that was nothing.  You’ll be dead, it isn’t like anyone expects you to look good dead, and even if they say something mean, you can haunt them.  This next one is for when you’re still alive.”

With that she set the mirror flat on the table.  One hand on each side of the mirror, she leaned over so that her face was completely parallel to the surface of the mirror.  She grimaced, and said, “This one’s a shocker.”  She shoved the mirror in my direction.