Hot Tea (21 page)

Feeling even more foolish, I centered the mirror in front of me, leaned over it, one hand on either side, and looked at my reflection.  “Oh Dear God, this isn’t good!”

“I told ya!”

“Well shit.  As if my self-esteem wasn’t far enough down the tubes Teagan, you just put that damn visual in my life forever.  If ever I have the good luck to be astride the male of the species again, that’s the image that’s going to flash in my brain.  I look like a redheaded lemur with baggy cheeks!  Thanks.”

“That’s ok.  When the vision comes to you, and you scream, he’ll think he’s just that good.”

We both burst out laughing, only to be joined by a rather male sound.  AJ was standing right outside my peripheral vision.

He walked up to the table, taking in the scene, and immediately understood all connotations, or more likely, he’d been standing there long enough to overhear our conversation.  He said, “From the male perspective, can I just add something here?”

Teagan and her big mouth said, “Sure.”

I was already feeling uncomfortable, but then he looked right at me and said, “As a man, let me assure you, that should any male be lucky enough to have you astride him, the only thing on his mind would be how fortunate he was to have such a lovely woman in love with him.  You are a woman that should be made love to Cara.  Just sex isn’t anywhere near good enough for you.  Any man lucky enough to have you astride him, would know that, or he wouldn’t have the good fortune to have you there very long.”

Somewhere in there he’d taken my hand.  He held it just a second too long, then, without further comment, he walked away.

That’s hardly brother-in-law to be behavior, but then again, Teagan’s with Jessie, and me, well, I’m with nobody, as per usual.

I wonder how long I sat there.  Not sure if I was drooling, but if I was, Teagan didn’t say anything when I finally snapped out of it.

She had this really obnoxious huge smile on her face.

She spoke first, quietly, “Well, well, seems your roommate is interested.”

“No, he was just being nice.  It’s not in the cards.”

“How do you figure?”

“You know as well as I do, that everything good and everything bad comes in threes.  First Suzi finds Mr. Wonderful.  That was one.  Then Liam falls madly in love with Morgan, and they’re building their happily ever after in record time.  That’s number two.  Now Jessie comes swimming to the surface, after years of you guys not seeing each other, and you two take up where you left off.  That’s three.  All done.  No room for me in there.  Besides, he’s Ken and I’m certainly not Barbie.”

“Cara, maybe you’re actually Skipper and Ken moved on from Barbie.”

“Skipper was the younger shorter sister.  I’m the older taller sister.  Although Skipper and I do share a more streamlined body type than Barbie has.  Still, Ken would never be interested in Skipper.  That’s creepy.”

“Maybe AJ was never Ken in the first place.  Maybe Jessie is actually Ken and AJ is actually Allen.  Maybe that’s what the A in AJ stands for.  Ever think of that?  And maybe you aren’t Skipper, maybe you’re Midge.”

“What?  What are you talking about?  Who is Allen?  Who’s Midge?  Just when did you lose your mind?”

Teagan laughed, but it didn’t throw her off her theory.  She continued, “Allen Sherwood is a buddy of Ken’s.  Midge is a friend of Barbie’s.  Her best friend as a matter of fact.  I’m pretty sure Midge has red hair, and blue eyes, just like you.”  Her voice raised as she got more intense, “And, she was made with bendable legs and maybe even a twistable waist, although I’m not sure about that part, but if she was, she could probably put her foot behind her head, just like you.”

I hissed, “Would you shut up?  AJ’s in the other room, and your weirdness is going to make him think we’re both insane.”

Almost jubilant, “Oh, and guess what, Midge and Allen got married, and had kids.  I think they had a boy named Ryan and a girl named Rickie, no, Nikki, and another baby that they didn’t name and was a surprise when you opened the box.”

“Teagan, are you aware that you know way too much about Barbie’s world.”

“If people started comparing you to a doll at the age of 10, you would take a moment and learn a thing or two too.  Swear not to tell Mom?”

“Oh honey, if I’m gonna tell Mom something, it’s gonna be much better than your doll fetish.”

“I don’t have a doll fetish.  I did, however, do a report on Barbie in school.  Got a solid A, thank-you-very-much.”

“Was it a male teacher?  Did you come in as Malibu Barbie and sit on his desk for show and tell?”

She actually smacked me, which, to tell the truth, I can’t blame her for.  That only increased the laughter, which was well out of hand.

Calming, and trying to sound stern, Teagan continued, “Cara Siobhan O’Flynn, that was uncalled for.  For your edification, it was a class for Sister Dymphna.  I wore my uniform, and it was presented in written form.  It was a study on Barbie Syndrome.  I researched and wrote about the ramifications of giving your impressionable child a Barbie.  At the time, some people had a problem with Barbie.”

“And your conclusion?”

“Well, I played with Barbie.  You never had any interest at all.  I love football and you wear all those take-me-now-nightgowns, so I’m thinking Barbie didn’t make a huge difference in our psyches.  As insightful as I was, as a mere child, I drew very much that same conclusion then.”

AJ materialized without a sound.  How such a big guy can do that is kind of amazing, but not the only amazing thing about AJ.  He said he was going out to do a shoot, would be back in about 4 hours, and asked if we had plans for the evening, or did we want to do the movie and pizza thing.

Teagan begged off, using funeral arrangements as an excuse, but assured AJ that I was not needed and would be home.  My major role in all things Bernie would come after the fact, sorting out her belongings and figuring out what to do with them.  Of course, I’m going to help Mom with the food for the wake, but really, fixing food for a hundred people is not an uncommon undertaking for Mom and me, so I’m not worried about that at all.  

AJ said he’d provide the movie and pizza, and I could provide the drinks and snacks.

AJ took off in one direction, Teagan in another, and I tried to decide if I was thrilled or terrified.  Getting involved with your male roommate, when you aren’t even supposed to really have one, might not be the best plan in the world.  Yikes.  Mom would know instantly. 

When I was in high school, and all my girlfriends were either experimenting with just how far they were willing to go, or having sex with their boyfriends, I didn’t do any of it.  Why?  Because my mom would know.  Then she would tell my Dad.  Then they would talk to me. 

After I finally did have sex, I stayed away from their house for two weeks.  I was thinking that maybe the signs would wear off. 

Sure, you can laugh, but my mom is weird.  She knows things.  Once, my girlfriend Julie was staying at our house for a week while her parents were off on some adventure.  Julie met her boyfriend at the park.  They kind of disappeared behind the bushes at the archery range.  Mom was there within minutes, calling for us from the sidewalk.  Julie just had time to run back over and sit by me before my mom got there.  There is no way Mom could have seen her, because there were bales of hay between Mom and us.  On the way home, Mom told Julie that she didn’t appreciate her slinking off to the bushes with some guy while she was staying at our house, and not to make her come down to the park to straighten her out again.  We didn’t leave the house for the rest of the week, and Julie never stayed again.  I’m just sayin’.

On a brighter note, if you’re going to have a problem, trying to decide if you should molest a painfully good looking man, who seems willing, ready, and more than able, is a good problem to have.

Unfortunately AJ called before I had to make that decision.  He was stuck at his photo shoot.  He took a rain check on the pizza and movie.  I was bummed but tried to talk myself into believing it was a God thing. 

God runs interference for me whenever I haven’t really decided what I’m comfortable with. 

Mom has told us all of our lives, to be very careful what we wish for, because you might just get it. 

Finally, after a particularly traumatic incident when I was a freshman in high school, I called her on it.  I said something; I have no idea what it was.

Mom came right back with “Be careful what you wish for.”

 I had just enough frustration churning around inside of me that I snapped back “You always say that!  I’ve never, not one time, seen it happen.”

She said “That’s simply because you choose not to see, not because it isn’t there to be seen.  You heard Mrs. Schwimmer say just last week how much she’d like to have a brand new car.  She drives down to the grocery store, just as she has every week for years, but this week, out of no where, some hooligan plows right into the back of her car.  A total loss.  She asked for a new car, and I say she is out there looking to find one right now.”

“Coincidence.”

“There’s no such thing child.  Follow it back.  If you follow it to the beginnings, you’ll always find the wish.  That is why it is wise to be careful what you wish for.”

FIFTEEN

The funeral was uneventful.  Bernie was laid to rest with only one surprise.  At least it was a surprise to me.  All my life, I’d assumed Bernie was short for Bernadette.  Wrong.  Bernie was actually a nickname.  ‘Bernie’ was a shortened version of Hibernian.  Hibernian is the Latin word for Ireland.  It stands for anything relating to Ireland or of all things Irish.  There is little in this life more Irish than Bernie, so it was a very fitting nickname.

Anyway, Billy did a great job with the service and doing her eulogy.  You could really tell that he loved her and that they’d spent untold hours together talking about the old country.  Interesting since Billy isn’t Irish, but Bernie’s passion for Ireland was contagious and those that weren’t lucky enough to be born Irish, certainly wished they had been, when Bernie was done with them.

I lied.