House of Cards (40 page)

'Look,
Johnnie
...'
She
was
having
tremendous
difficulty
finding
the
right
words.
‘I
am
fond
of
you
-
very
fond, you
know
that.
But
my
career
is
most
important
to
me. This
story
is
most
important
to
me.
I
can't
let
anything
else get
in
its
way
’
She
paused
for
a
painful
moment.
'Perhaps we
made
a
mistake.'

'What
are
you
saying?
Goodbye?
Just
like
that?
You
drag me
into
bed
as
if
I'm
the
last
caveman
left
on
earth
for
a couple
of
hot
nights
and
then
-
bugger
off
?
What
is
it?
Just adding
to
your
collection
of
notches
on
the
bedpost?'

The
sarcasm
bit
deep
and
rattled
her.
‘I
needed
you, Johnnie.
I
needed
a
man,
not
a
lifelong
commitment,
I needed
to
feel
like
a
woman
again,
it
had
been
so
long
...'

'Great.
A
million
pricks
out
there
and
you
had
to
pick this
one.
I
didn't
realise
it
was
just
that,
Mattie.
I
really wish
you
hadn't
bothered,'
he
said
with
evident
bitterness and
anger.

'Johnnie,
stop!
This
isn't
right.
Don't
make
me
say something
I
don't
mean.
I
like
you,
very
much.
That's
the problem.'

'That's
a
problem?
Well,
I'm
glad
you
have
managed
to put
it
behind
you.'
He
gave
a
dry,
humourless
laugh
and stared
straight
at
the
ceiling.

Mattie
buried
her
head
in
the
pillow.
She
hadn't
intended to
hurt
him,
but
how
could
she
make
him
understand.
She hadn't
told
anyone
in
London
before,
but
maybe
now
was the
time.

There
was
someone
else,'
she
began,
her
voice
faltering. In
Yorkshire.
Someone
I
was
very
close
to.
We
had
known each
other
since
we
were
children
and
everyone
assumed that
our
relationship
was
...
sort
of
permanent.
That
was the
trouble.
No
one
asked
me,
they
just
assumed.
But
I wanted
something
more,
and
when
he
forced
me
to
choose between
him
and
my
career,
I
chose
my
career.
It
was
the only
way
for
me
to
live
with
myself,
Johnnie!'
she
exclaimed,
as
if
fearing
that
he
would
neither
understand
nor accept.
His
cold
expression
told
her
she
was
right.

'But
...
he
went
to
pieces.
There
were
begging
letters, midnight
telephone
calls.
I
would
see
Him
just
standing
at the
end
of
my
street,
waiting
for
hours,
sometimes
all through
the
night.'

She
drew
a
deep
breath
as
if
the
memory
were
exhausting her.
Then,
there
was
a
car
crash.
A
long,
straight
piece
of road
with
no
other
traffic,
and
his
car
hit
a
tree.
They
had
to cut
him
out.
When
I
heard,
it
was
as
if
it
were
all
my
fault, as
if
I
had
been
the
one
who
had
crashed
the
car.
I
felt
so guilty,
do
you
see,
yet
I
felt
so
angry
with
myself
for
feeling that
way.
I
hadn't
done
anything
wrong!'

She
desperately
wanted
to
justify
herself
and
convince him
that
she
deserved
no
blame
but
tears
of
anguish
and self-recrimination
were
filling
her
eyes
and
starting
to
roll, one
by
one,
down
her
cheeks.

It
took
every
piece
of
willpower
that
I
had
to
go
to
the hospital,
and
the
hours
I
spent
in
the
waiting
room
were
the loneliest
I
have
ever
known.
Then
the
nurse
came
to
tell me
that
he
wouldn't
see
me.
Never
wanted
to
see
me
again. Left
me
standing
in
the
middle
of
that
hospital
feeling completely
and
utterly
worthless.'

She
was
struggling
hard
to
keep
hold
of
her
emotions now,
as
the
recollections
stirred
deep
within
her.
It
was
all or
nothing
for
him,
Johnnie.
I
really
did
care
for
him,
yet
all I
did
was
cause
him
pain
and
turn
his
love
to
hatred.
It
...
it nearly
killed
him.
That's
why
I
left
Yorkshire,
Johnnie,
to bury
that
feeling
of
worthlessness
and
guilt
through
my work.
And
for
what
it's
worth,
I'm
beginning
to
like
you too
much
to
risk
all
that
again.'

As
she
spoke,
his
eyes
once
more
met
hers.
The
sarcasm and
anger
had
left
him
as
he
listened,
but
there
was
still
a hard,
determined
edge
to
his
voice
when
he
spoke.

'Believe
me,
I
know
what
it's
like
to
lose
the
one
you
love and
have
your
world
pulled
apart
around
you.
I
know
how much
pain
and
loneliness
it's
possible
to
feel
when
it happens.
But
you
weren't
driving
that
car
and
you
can't change
the
facts
simply
by
running
away
from
them.
And that's
precisely
what
you
are
doing
-
running
away!'