House of Payne: Steele (33 page)

So, no.

It couldn’t possibly be.

Angel announcing her pregnancy was the only reason it had even occurred to her. It was stress. That was all.

But still.

She’d stop by the pharmacy on the way home, she decided, her breath coming faster as she tried to keep herself in check. Just to be sure that the impossible hadn’t happened. Which it hadn’t. She could never hope for such a miracle. Never. That would be beyond stupid.

But still.

Don’t hope, don’t hope, don’t hope, oh please God, let it be so…

Damn it.

“Essie?” Her mother continued to stroke her hair back into a ponytail, the way she had done all of Essie’s life. “You okay, hon?”

“Yeah.” She honestly had no idea how she was. Terrified. Excited. Trying so fucking hard to not be excited because she didn’t want to be crushed when her pipe dream turned to dust. “You know me. Play with my hair and I dissolve.”

Lynette chuckled. “It was the only way to get you to sleep, you were such a night owl. Kara has to do the same thing with Maya. Must be genetic.”

“Must be.” Her stupid heart was trying to climb into her throat with every heavy thud. She swallowed hard against it and struggled to find calm. No matter what her condition was—holy shit, her
condition
—stress was one thing she didn’t need. “Must be.”

“Essie, honey,” her father said, sounding vaguely preoccupied.

“Yeah, Dad?”

“I thought you told your mother that your boyfriend was away on business.”

For crying out loud…
“Dad, I don’t have a boyfriend. If you’re talking about Steele, he’s away on business—somewhere in Texas, was the last I heard. Working security for some kind of fossil fuel international convention thing.”

“Uh-huh.” Her father rose from the picnic table and began ambling away. “Well, my guess is that the fossil fuel international convention thing is over, because your non-boyfriend is here, and he’s bearing gifts. A great way to go when you’re meeting your non-girlfriend’s parents for the first time, don’t you think? So far, I approve.”

“
What
?” Flabbergasted, Essie whirled around on her bench, her hair falling back around her shoulders as she looked in the direction her father was heading. Sure enough, there was Steele striding across the balloon-decorated lot like he owned it, dressed in a light gray short-sleeved Henley that molded to his muscular torso like it had been painted on, and jeans that fit him in all the right places. He carried a ribbon-bedecked bottle of what looked to be champagne in one hand, while the other one was outstretched toward her dad, an easy smile on his face.

What the hell.

How had he…?

Then she remembered the phone she’d gotten back from Carla after the fashion show. He always tracked her by her phone, the jerk.

“Smooth.” Her mother had also turned on the bench, her bright eyes taking Steele in from head to toe. “Ooh, he’s a big one, isn’t he? Makes your father look like a shrimp. Let’s take a closer look.”

“Let’s not.” But her mother was already on her way, marching determinedly toward the men. Shit, shit, shit, she thought, hustling after her. This couldn’t possibly end well.

“…when Essie told me that her brother was buying a custom house as a birthday surprise, I thought it could go either way. Glad to hear she liked it.” She caught the tail end of Steele’s comment as she and her mother closed in, and when Steele flicked his gaze to her, her brain snapped into blank-canvas mode. “Hey, sweetness.”

“Uh.” Words. She should probably come up with some.

“Hi, Lynette Santiago, Essie’s mother.” Clearly having zero issues with personal space, Lynette went right up to Steele and gave him a hug. “You’re Steele, right? It’s so sweet that you came in to surprise Essie and give us a chance to meet you. Ever since the fashion show, Ed and I have been curious about you, and Essie’s been useless when it comes to information. She won’t tell us a thing about you.”

“Except that we’re not really together and that there’s not much to tell when it comes to Steele and me.” There. She made words. Not the words her parents wanted to hear, but since that was the truth, they’d just have to live with it.

Steele shot her a wry glance at her announcement. “Somehow I doubt anyone’s going to believe that after the fashion show, Es. And speaking of the show,” he added returning his attention to her parents while Essie stared at him in pure exasperation, “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you both right then. I got called away to take care of crowd control after Essie’s win, and by the time I finally had everything battened down, the Santiago clan had left the building. Not cool, by the way,” he added, sending Essie a hard glance. “Not cool at all. You just took off without even saying goodbye.”

Wait, how was she suddenly the bad guy? “Was I supposed to?”

“Honey.” Aghast, her mother looked like she’d just dropped the F-bomb before glancing apologetically to Steele. “That mouth of hers. Honestly, this is what happens when a girl is raised with a bunch of rowdy boys. It’s just a step up from being raised with wolves. I promise you, I tried my best.”

“What are you talking about? Essie’s the coolest wolf-girl around.” Twist and Nick approached, along with Joey and Novak. Perfect. Just when she thought life couldn’t get any more awkward. “Steele, right?”

“Yeah.” Steele first offered his hand, then the bottle he held. “I know it’s a little early for a housewarming gift, but considering how much work you put into this surprise for your lady, it definitely called for champagne. Congratulations on your new digs, and for successfully keeping her in the dark until the unveiling.”

“Thanks.” Twist gave every impression that he wasn’t sure what to make of Steele before he took the bottle and gestured back to the balloon-outlined floor plan, where his future house would one day stand. “Come on, I’ll show you around the place. And once it’s built, look out, dude—I’m hitting you, Nick, Joey and Novak up to help us move in.”

“I’ll be around,” Steele said, nodding.

Though Essie couldn’t be sure, it sounded oddly like a promise.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Essie wasn’t sure how she managed to ditch Steele. She’d told him that she had plans to help clean things up while the party was winding down, and that he should go. That hadn’t worked. She’d told him she was going to spend the night at her parents’ place later and that she had neither the time nor the inclination for a private talk. That hadn’t worked, either. Finally she’d just bounced the hell out of there while Steele, Payne, Nick and Twist were neck-deep in trading war stories on various renovation projects they’d gone through on their own properties.

For her own good, she had to put some distance between them.

Her logical-thinking brain got borked when he was near. And resisting him? Ha. He was the Professor, and she adored being his Teacher’s Pet, so that was obviously a no-go. When he was around, she couldn’t make a clear-headed decision about what sort of relationship she’d willingly accept from him. And really, what sort of selection did she have to choose from, anyway?

A purely physical but emotionally unfulfilling relationship that led to none of her personal life goals. Or…

No relationship at all.

She grimaced. Both possibilities gutted her, she couldn’t deny that. But with Steele close by, the option of succumbing to his allure was all too real. Inevitably she’d give in, because she was a wuss, and that would slowly kill her from the inside out. It would kill her, because that was the one option that led to a true dead end.

That option was even worse than no relationship at all.

She had to stay away from Steele the way an alcoholic had to stay away from a liquor store. If she weakened, she might not ever find a true off-ramp from her desolate, lonely road.

And then, of course, there was this issue of having a two-week overdue period.

“Screw it,” she muttered out loud, curling her fingers around the car’s keys and pushing out of her car. She’d been sitting in the parking lot of the drugstore a few blocks down from her apartment for the past ten minutes, working up the courage to do what needed to be done.

She wasn’t pregnant. She knew that in her bones. She just had to eliminate that astronomically remote possibility before she tackled what the hell the real problem was. Cysts, maybe. A fibroid tumor, perhaps. Asymptomatic endometriosis. And that catch-all bugger, stress. Considering all the stress she’d been under for past several months, it was a surprise that her body hadn’t broken down before now.

She should count her blessings.

The store was quiet when she entered, and after reading the signs at the head of the many aisles, she headed determinedly for the correct one. But as she faced the wall of pregnancy tests to choose from she faltered, staring blankly while a crippling wave of anxiety hit.

Damn.

Right now, at that very moment, she had hope. Just a feeble flicker, like a candle in a sea of never-ending darkness. But it was
something
. Far more than she’d ever had in her adult life, and it felt… good. She didn’t want to lose that.

Oh
God
, she didn’t want to lose that.

But she would. Once she took that test and it came back negative—as it inevitably would—she’d be lost in the darkness again.

As feeble as it was, she didn’t want to lose her hope.

“What are you doing here?”

She nearly jumped out of her skin at the low growl next to her ear, before she whirled around and looked into Steele’s stormy quicksilver eyes. “What the hell, are you
following
me?”

The storm in his eyes didn’t lessen. “I asked you a question, Essie. What the hell are you doing staring at a bunch of pregnancy tests?”

The unbearable tension inside her snapped. “I’m dreaming an impossible dream, okay? My body’s so tangled up with all the stress it’s been going through that it’s off its cycle, only I didn’t realize it until Angel announced she was pregnant. I’m
not
pregnant, I’m sure of it, because lightning doesn’t strike me unless it’s to annihilate me, so there’s no way a miracle like that could happen. I’m
sure
of it.”

“You already said that.”

“The thing is, I
want
lightning to strike, Steele. I want it so bad I’m shaking, but of course I know it didn’t, because good things like miracles don’t happen to me. They happen to other people, more worthy people, and I know that, okay? I
know
it. So I just need to find the courage to face that reality, reach for one of those stupid boxes and confirm that life isn’t a fairy tale and I’ll always be alone and that I have no right to stand here like some
fucking
idiot and hope for impossible—”

His hands gripped her arms and pulled her roughly up to meet his mouth, silencing the frantic tumble of words. In a heartbeat the ballooning hysteria quieted, and the darkness that was threatening to drown out her sad and feeble hope was pushed back. Maybe it wasn’t what she wanted, this unloving, out-of-balance relationship, but with his lips on hers, the smothering blackness that was unending loneliness evaporated like magic.

“I’ll grab a box.” His nose nuzzled hers in such a way that it filled her with tender warmth. “I’ll take you home, because you’re sure as hell not driving anywhere when you’re like this. Then I’ll hold you when the test is done and together we deal with what it says, either way.”

That was sweet.
He
was sweet. But… “No. I need to do this. I need to do this alone.”

“Fuck that.” In a heartbeat the sweetness vanished under a ferocious scowl. “You didn’t get to this place alone, Essie. You don’t have to stand here shaking like a damn leaf
alone
. You aren’t going to face whatever that test says alone. You’re so used to being on that road all by yourself that you can’t even see that you’re not there anymore. You got your off-ramp, sweetness. It’s time you took it. You might be surprised to see where it leads you.”

“I doubt that.”

“Yeah, I know. You doubt it because you doubt
me
.” He grabbed up a box from the shelf with one hand while with the other he gripped her fingers so tightly it made her wince, before he dragged her to the front of the store. “That’s on me, not you, and another goddamn layer of stress that you don’t need. I’ve got to erase that shit by putting things right, but first I need to put
you
right. You’re the only thing that matters now.”

His words barely penetrated as he made the purchase, guided her to his truck and drove toward her place. But when he drove right past it, she jerked to a stiffly sitting position. “Wait, Steele—”

“Last time I was at your place, I found you outside on the fire escape just so you could breathe. There wasn’t even enough room in there for Mooch. My place. No expectations. No pressure.”

“And no car. How the hell am I supposed to get back to my place?”

“I’ll drive you anywhere you want to go.”

That was the problem. As bad as he was for her, when she was with Steele she didn’t want to be anywhere else.

The thought of pitching a fit to get him to turn around and head back to her place crossed her mind, but by then he was already hitting the button for his private garage. The close proximity to her place was a plus, she decided as she followed him inside, taking the pregnancy test from him as she went. If she had to, she could just hike it back to her place in Logan Square. Sure, it was one of the murder hotspots of the city, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“I have to read the directions,” she muttered, heading for the powder room off the main living area upstairs. “This might take a while.”

“It’s not rocket science, babe. All it takes is pissing on a stick and time. Once you’re done, we’re going to spend that time talking things out.”

That sounded fun. Not. “I’m not in the mood to talk.”

“Then be in the mood to listen. Get the test done and come back out so we can get things squared away.”

“There’s nothing to square away.”

“Please, Essie.”

That stopped her in her tracks. Even her heart went still, she was sure of it. Then it tripped over itself to catch back up, and she found herself nodding in mute agreement before closing the powder room door, silently stunned. The word
please
wasn’t something a man like Ezekiel Steele used lightly. A force of nature didn’t have to ask or beg. It simply was, and everyone else bent or worked around it, or suffered the consequences.

He must mean business if he was trotting out big guns like
please
.

He was right about it not being rocket science. Unhygienic, maybe, but not rocket science. After it was done, and reminding herself for the countless time that with her scarring and the use of condoms it was virtually impossible for there to be a pregnancy, she left the test on the bathroom vanity and headed back out. She found him leaning against the wall by the door, head down and arms crossed. The second the door opened his head came up and his eyes were on her, and she had to consciously shore up her defenses at that head-on impact.

“I wish you’d dropped me at my apartment,” she blurted in a rush before he could take things in a direction she wasn’t sure she could handle. “In fact, I wish you hadn’t followed me in the first place. That’s a habit you’re going to have to break.”

“The only way that’s going to happen is if you get in the habit of telling me where you’re going, and even then I’d track you just to make sure you’re safely where you’re supposed to be.”

“That’s kind of stalkery.”

“There’s no
kind of
about it.” He pushed away from the wall, took her hand and led her to the nearest sofa. Before she could sit like a normal person, she suddenly found her feet coming up off the ground. She squeaked and clutched at his shoulders even as he sat down with her on his lap, her booty snuggled against his crotch, her back against the armrest and her legs on the cream-colored seat cushions. “There we go. Nice and comfy.”

“Steele, no, we can’t do this.
I
can’t do this.” Alarmed at how susceptible she was to being in contact with his heated, muscular body, she tried to roll off of him. She barely moved a centimeter as he held her firmly in place. “Seriously, no. Do you remember when we broke up? I know I’m brand new to the dating game, but I’m positive broken-up couples don’t do things like this.”

“You are new to the game, so you don’t know that what happened was us hitting a rough patch, not breaking up. You don’t hit the eject button just because you don’t see eye to eye on something, sweetness. You fight your way through the rough patch until you get to the other side, because what you have together is worth fighting for. A fighter like you should be game for that.”

“This isn’t a rough patch.” With a frustrated sigh she gave up the struggle, and closed her eyes. It was the only way she had left of keeping her defenses in place. “This isn’t something that can be negotiated or worked through. It’s fundamentally opposing views on how things have to be. I like you. I respect you. I desire you. I love you. What I have to offer is the complete package. It doesn’t get any more complete. But since you’re not willing to go all out for me with that same package deal—not willing to even
try
to return my feelings at some point in the future—I realized that’s something I can’t live with. You don’t think I’m worth it.”

The arms holding her tightened convulsively. “
Fuck
, Essie, no.”

“But the thing is, I am worth it, Steele,” she went on, trying futilely to hold her body away from his while her eyes burned with tears she refused to let him see. “Maybe not to you, but I know I am. I have so much to give. Sure, I could stay with you, give you everything I have and hope for the best. But day by day, the knowledge that the man I love doesn’t feel I’m worth the effort it takes to overcome his inner wounds would eventually grind me into nothing. That’s why this isn’t a rough patch. I have to believe that somewhere, at some point in my life, I’ll meet someone who’s going to know I’m worth any effort it takes, because he’ll find me just as miraculous as I’ll find him. It breaks my heart to admit it, but that’s not you.”

And she’d thought his hold couldn’t get any tighter. “Don’t you fucking say that, Essie. There’s no one else for me but you.”

Damn it, he wasn’t hearing her. “But
you’re
not the man for
me
, Steele. There’s nothing more painful in this world for me to admit, but you’re not.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t even
think
it.”  A hand moved up to cup the back of her head, but before he could bring her mouth to his, she ducked her chin. Instead her face was pushed into his neck and he held her so tightly it was as though he feared she’d be sucked out of his arms at any moment. “You’re mine. I’m yours. We belong together. I fucked up and made you think that’s not true, that you’re not worth the effort, and I should be fucking shot for that. Any man who does that to his woman probably deserves to lose her, but I can’t let that happen. I
won’t
. I’ll spend every minute of my life proving that I am the only one for you. You’ll never have to wonder if there’s something better out there in the world for you. You’ll have the best right next to you, because that’s where I’ll be. I’ll give you everything you could possibly want. It’s you and me together in this world, sweetness. Believe it.”