House of Payne: Steele (31 page)

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected her reaction to be, but an unimpressed slow blink hadn’t even been on the menu. “Yeah?  Sounds to me like you don’t think I have a choice in the matter.”

“You don’t.”

“Bullshit.” She said it so calmly, so flatly, it scared the hell out of him. “I do have a choice, and my choice isn’t to coast along on a road that ultimately is going to take me nowhere. That’s what staying with you and keeping up the status quo is—a road that goes nowhere. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”

“You’re not hearing me.”

“I am hearing you, but even more than that I’m
listening
to what you’re saying. I’m in love with you, Steele. It’s not some phase I’m going through, or a virus that I’ll eventually get over. And it didn’t just happen because you were the first man I saw when I came out of my cocoon. No. I came out of my cocoon because I felt that you were worth coming out for. I felt it so deeply that it wasn’t even a conscious decision on my part. It just happened, like breathing, and when I came back into the world, everything was made better.
I
was made better. Stronger. And it was all because of you.”

Her words were chipping away at him, until he felt like a raw, exposed nerve. “You’ve always been strong, Essie. No one made you that way, least of all me.”

“Maybe. But you did change me, and I can tell you how. Until I met you, I always saw the future as a desolate road stretching on into infinity, a road I fucking
hated
but couldn’t find a way off of. But that all changed. You came along and gave me hope that I wasn’t alone in the world. Everything about you was this beautiful promise of an off-ramp that would eventually lead to what other people had. A life together. A family. A future that didn’t include single-serving microwave dinners or an empty silence that smothers you when you come home from work. That promise was so beautiful I never realized that no promise had ever truly been made.”

That terrible tightness in his chest came again, and he raised his hand to cup her cheek. When she jerked back to avoid him, the tightness nearly crushed him. “Sweetness—”

“I’m still not hearing promises, Steele. What I’m hearing is a good man doing his best to work with an unexpected obligation that came about due to his careless actions, and I’m not cool with that. My loving you shouldn’t be an obligation that you have to find a way to live with, so I’m letting you off the hook, okay? You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Just respect that I need more than what you’re offering. I need an off-ramp.”

“I am doing what I want, and what I want to do is get it through your head that things have changed with me. I had to make these changes for you, and for myself, and I took this week to do that.”

“Leave me out of that equation, if you don’t mind. If you felt you had to make changes for yourself, then great. I support that. But you should know that if you add me in, then it proves my point that you felt you had to force yourself to become something that wasn’t coming from you naturally. I appreciate the gesture, and I love that you’re the kind of man who would try to make the best of a bad situation. But if you had to take a week to try to become someone you’re not, then I want nothing to do with that.”

“Essie—”

“I’m not alone in feeling this way, which is comforting to know. When Angel wasn’t sure about how committed my brother was, she said she’d rather let him go than try to hold him in a relationship he didn’t want. I get that, because that’s where we are now. I’m letting you go.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he muttered, pissed. Why the hell wasn’t she hearing him? “What do I have to say to get through to you that I don’t want to be let go?”

Her smile was so piercingly sad it stabbed right through the heart. “If you have to ask, then that proves my point. Thanks for the new sketchbook, but I need you to go now. I have a long day tomorrow, and I need my sleep. You can find your own way out, yeah?”

“That damned fighting spirit of yours.” He blew out a breath of pure frustration and searched her eyes. What he saw was wariness—something he could deal with—and miles of blank, impenetrable defenses that once again cocooned her so completely it put her way out of his reach. That, he had no clue how to deal with. “You’re so locked into fight-mode that you haven’t even noticed there’s nothing left to fight. You’ve
won
, Essie. Accept your victory with grace and let me in.”

“The only thing I’m up to accepting right now is peace and quiet. You need to go.”

“Goddamn it, woman, are you trying to make me crazy?”

“No, I’m trying to hold on to what’s left of my sanity. I’d lose it I chose to believe that I could love you enough for the both of us. That never works. I’d wind up drained dry and you’d eventually be crushed with guilt because you’d
know
you’d drained me dry. It never works. So thanks, but no thanks. We both deserve better.”

Fucking hell, this woman
… “From the beginning, Luke warned me you were never going to be easy.”

Her jaw clenched and she looked away once more to the alley. “Yeah? Guess you should’ve listened to your friend.”

“The thing is, I don’t want easy. So if this is the way it’s got to be, then this is the way it’s got to be. I wouldn’t want you any other way.” Before she could even think of dodging him, he caught her chin and planted a quick, hard kiss on her closed mouth. “And make no mistake, Essie—I do want you, even that fighting spirit of yours that’s currently the hugest pain in my ass. It’s up to me to prove that to you. Obviously I’ve done a piss-poor job of it, since a man shouldn’t have to work this hard to convince his lady he’s legit, but whatever. I’m up to the challenge.”

Her wary eyes widened. “What exactly does that mean?”

“It means you need to prepare yourself for another kind of battle—a battle that we’re both going to win.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven

The applause beyond the curtain was deafening as Twist and Angel went out onto the runway one last time, followed by Carla and Patrick, the official model-wranglers of baby Dillon and an overexcited Charlotte. They were all dressed in outfits Essie had handpicked for her collection’s finale, giving the audience one last look at the work that had her taken months to create. At long last, her House Of Payne collection was out in the world, destined to be both celebrated and judged.

She should have been exhilarated.

She should have been terrified.

All she really felt was exhausted.

Damn, she needed a nap.

“Essie, come on.” Scout, wearing a headset and a no-nonsense frown, beckoned her forward, her ever-present tablet in hand. “Time for your bow. Just don’t take five minutes to do it like Olivier did.”

“I don’t even want to take five seconds.”

“Do
not
pull that Santiago attitude on me, girlfriend. I’ve had years of practice, dragging your brother to public appearances, so don’t even think about running now.”

“I’m too tired to run.” To prove it, Essie yawned as she shuffled to the center curtain, and wished she’d been able to sleep the night before. But thanks to Steele, sleep had remained stubbornly beyond her grasp. “Let’s get this the hell over with. I have a week-long nap waiting for me at the end of this thing, and I’m anxious to get a jump on it.”

“You’ve been beyond wonderful throughout this whole process, you know.” To her surprise, the taller woman reached out and squeezed her hand. Scout didn’t strike Essie as the touchy-feely type, so she couldn’t help but return the pressure of her fingers, even as she looked into Scout’s surprisingly serious expression. “Everything you’ve put up with, everything that’s happened… as much as the amazing designs you’ve come up with, you’ve shown that you’d be a great fit here at the House.”

Touched, Essie couldn’t help but opt for honesty. “I have to tell you, I’ve got my doubts about that. There have been times when I’ve wanted to kill Payne.”

“Honey, that’s me on a daily basis. I don’t know how his wife stands him. Now go out there and enjoy your moment, because you freaking deserve it, babe.” With that, Scout shoved her through the curtain.

Sound slapped against her full force as the curtain closed behind her, and for a moment she was too dazed to even move. The stage lights dazzled her, and she had to blink a few times to get her eyes to focus. Then, when she took in the hundreds of people looking expectantly up at her, the thought of diving back through the curtain became a serious possibility.

No one would think that was weird, right?

Whatever.

Essie forced what was probably a sickly smile, tried not to think of whether or not the back of her skirt had somehow gotten stuck up in her underwear, and unglued her feet from the floor. It was wall-to-wall people on either side of the catwalk, and just looking out into the sea of faces made her stomach quiver alarmingly.

Oh, boy.

If she hurled now, she would find out if a person could actually die of embarrassment.

Everyone was clapping, and a few were shouting so loudly as she walked along the runway she had to wonder if Payne should have put a cap on how much free champagne had been served. Right at the edge of the raised walkway was a large knot of people with professional-grade cameras held to their faces, and the storm of flashes that went off was so intense it had a strobe effect. Twice she almost brought her walk to a starstruck halt when she spotted first her favorite R and B singer in the crowd, and then her latest Hollywood crush. They were among the many faces turned up to her, on their feet and clapping enthusiastically as they focused totally on her.

Wow.

Just…
wow
.

If she did have her skirt accidentally tucked up into the back of her panties, at least she would have this dream moment before she keeled over.

Her models were waiting for her at the end of the runway, a larger platform that was close to the raised judges’ stand. On that stand was Payne, his very pregnant wife and 3D artist extraordinaire known to her only as Becks, and former supermodel, Candide. They were clapping as well, smiling as she joined her models. Her brother instantly wrapped her up in a huge bear hug that took her off her feet, and with a squeak she held on by curling her arms around his neck. For a split second her mind flew back to when she was attacked, an act that set both of them on the road that led them to this wild moment of happiness and triumph.

And there it was.

Even if she didn’t win tonight, she’d already won.

“Love you, Es.” Twist’s arms contracted until her ribs groaned. “So fucking proud of you.”

She squeezed back and swallowed hard against the knot of hopelessly moved emotion clogging her throat. “Thanks, Twist, my hero. Love you, too.”

She heard him catch his breath at the old nickname before he laughed and set her back down. Then he turned her to the left and pointed into the crowd. Peering through the camera flashes, she caught sight of their brother Nick and his wife Kara, and their mother and father. Her mother was crying and laughing wildly all at the same time, while her father held onto her as though he feared she would collapse at any moment. There were tears glistening in his eyes as well, with a more gentle expression that told her far more than words that her father’s thoughts had also gone back in time to reflect on far his children had come. They had triumphed, because they were strong. Strong as individuals, and strong as a family. No matter what storms hit, they had proven they could get through anything, as long as they had each other.

It was heartbreaking that Steele had never known that kind of loving and unquestioned support.

The moment she thought of him, her gaze shifted once more through the sea of faces before coming to a halt on Steele. She found him at the very back, a head taller than everyone else and clapping just as fiercely as her brother Nick, his eyes both soft and burning, and locked onto her as if she was the only thing in the world worth looking at. It was a strange look, intense and enveloping, and it made her chest flutter in a delicious way that hurt.

How was it possible that he could steal her breath with just a look?

Luke Keyes stood next to him, smiling and clapping as well, all the while looking inexplicably amused. That smirk kicked her in the butt, reminding her not to take a five-minute bow like Olivier. Offering a quick nod to the judges and the audience, Essie tried to look like she knew what the hell she was doing by ushering everyone back to the curtain.

But all the while, she couldn’t get that beautiful, burning look Steele had given her out of her mind.

“That…was…
awesome
.” Unfazed by baby Dillon’s scream-crying in that unique way veteran parents could be, Patrick lassoed Essie into a one-armed hug as they worked their way back into the mess of curtained-off cubicles. “When’s your next fashion show? We definitely want to be included.”

She blinked up at him, dazed. “Uh, this was a one-shot deal, dude, and for that I’m grateful. This show pretty much killed me.”

“Yeah, but it didn’t, so you’re good,” came the totally oblivious reply. If there had been an oncoming bus, Essie would have been tempted to push him in front of it. “Maybe House Of Payne’s going to hold one of these every year.”

God, the horror of such a statement. “I have no idea if they will, or if I’ll even be a part of it.”

“Pfft.” Patrick made a dismissive sound and handed his son over to Carla, before trying to corral Charlotte. “You’re kidding me, right? You got this in the bag, hon. Everyone out there knows it. Didn’t you hear all that cheering?”

Her stomach tightened as the nerves returned with a vengeance. “Nothing’s been decided yet.”

“That’s about to change, I think.” Angel peeked outside their cubicle. “Scout’s on her way over, sweetie.”

Essie nearly hyperventilated.

“Great job, everyone, especially the kiddos.” Scout beamed at a now-whimpering Dillon and Charlotte, who was trying to climb her father’s leg. “Essie, I need you to come back out to the front curtain along with Olivier. Payne’s just told me they’ve made a decision on the winner.”

“Oh.” That was all she could manage. Her tongue became hermetically sealed to the roof of her mouth, so speech from that point became impossible. Why had she never imagined this part of the process before? It was bad enough to lose, certainly. But to lose in front of the whole freaking world? She’d rather get a root canal than lose in front of her Hollywood crush as well as her whole family. She could just imagine her mother’s happy tears turning into tears of sorrow, while the light in her father’s eyes got snuffed out under a wave of devastation. And Steele…

Steele would pity her.

But maybe none of that would happen if she didn’t go out there…

“Get going, Es.” Her not-helpful brother gave her a push, and she spared a second to shoot him a dirty look over her shoulder. As usual, Twist was about as subtle as a Howitzer. “Go win this stupid thing so we can get the fuck out of here and start celebrating.”

Would they have anything to celebrate? At that moment she had a sinking feeling it would be more of a wake than a celebration.

Her mouth was so dry it hurt as she followed Scout to where Olivier waited for them, deaf to the cheers of her friends and family behind her.

She didn’t want to do this.

Her hands balled into fists as her gaze bounced off Olivier’s. He didn’t look like he was freaking out. Then again, why would he? He knew what he was doing. He was a pro at the fashion business. She was nothing more than a university theater costume designer from Texas. Why had she thought she could do this?

She couldn’t.

Damn it.

“Let’s hold up here for a minute.” Scout put up a hand, a signal for Essie to put on the brakes. Numbly she stared at the closed slit of the curtains while her lungs squeezed down to the size of raisins and refused to accept more than a trickle of air. Scout pressed a hand to her headset’s earpiece while Essie willed the House’s manager to hurry up and get this torture over with. Then Scout nodded decisively, and all at once Essie wanted her to stall a little longer. She wasn’t prepared for this humiliation. She’d
never
be prepared for this humiliation.

She wanted out.

“Got it,” Scout muttered into the headset’s mic before turning to Olivier and Essie. “Here’s the plan, guys. Payne’s going to introduce the guest judges and if he thinks about it, mention the poll going on right now online. The online voting doesn’t officially count, it’s just something for fun that we set up, so don’t let the possibility of internet trolls freak you out. Then Payne wants the two of you to go out to the end of the catwalk and await the judgment. Any questions?”

Essie considered telling Scout that she very much feared she was going to throw up. But since that was a statement and not a question, she just shook her head.

“Good deal.” Again Scout touched the earpiece. “We’re good to go here, Payne. Take it away.”

When Payne’s voice boomed out, Essie couldn’t help but jump.

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us tonight here at House Of Payne as we choose our next designer—a person who typifies the best in cutting-edge, exclusive fashion, just as our tattooists here at the House bring the best and most innovative ink to the world.”

Essie looked down at her hands.

Aspen leaves were rock-steady compared to her.

“We went through several elimination rounds to come down to just two finalists. They’re both incredibly talented and they’ve given us their all these past several months, so let’s hear it for them one more time.”

No, let’s just get this shit over with so I can go hide in the darkest hole I can find and never come out again.

The noise level hit ear-splitting heights for several moments before Payne resumed. “Both designers are already winners in my eyes, but as they say… there can be only one. And, as it turns out, both our online poll and our judges’ panel have made a unanimous decision as to who that winner is.”

Everything inside her froze.

What did that mean? Did no one vote for her? Did everyone vote for her?

No.

That couldn’t be. She wasn’t that good. She hadn’t seen any of Olivier’s collection, but she knew she wasn’t so brilliant as to pitch a proverbial shut-out against him. Olivier was probably that good.

If that was the case, that meant she’d lost.

Resoundingly.

“Tonight, I have the honor of being joined on the judges’ panel by Becks, House Of Payne’s premiere 3D artist and one of the main forces behind establishing a fashion profile for the House. What that really means is that she’s been bugging me to get this done, and since she’s my wife I make damn sure I listen to her. Happy wife, happy life—trust me on this, people.” There was a swell of laughter before he continued. “And last but not least, we have the one and only Candide, the ultimate voice in the world of fashion, first as an international supermodel, and now the editor-in-chief and co-owner of Luxe fashion magazine.”