How Not to Shop (35 page)

She was sitting on her bed. She hadn't changed out of her boob tube and leggings, but she'd pulled a blanket across her shoulders and was looking scared and sad.

So there was no need for Annie to lecture. She just needed to put an arm round Lana and remind her of all the rules about staying safe. And she did, gently.

Tears were squeezing from the corners of Lana's eyes as she told Annie, 'I'm sorry, OK? I won't do anything like that again, ever.'

'Yes, you will' – Annie squeezed her and couldn't help giving a little laugh – 'and we'll be right here for you. To pick you up and help you out again. But you better not ever, ever pick up a cigarette again or I'll cut off your hands,' she warned.

'Thank you,' Lana sniffed and pushed her face into Annie's shoulder: 'I don't know what would have happened if Dad hadn't shown up . . .'

Just as Annie sucked in a breath of astonishment at the mistake Lana had made, Lana corrected herself. 'I mean Ed,' she said quickly and there was a sob in her voice; 'of course I mean Ed.'

Annie rubbed her hand across her daughter's blanketed back and felt a lump rising up in her throat.

'You're old enough to know, baby . . .' she began, swallowing hard, 'you're old enough to know that you had a wonderful dad who would have loved you to bits and who would have taken on anyone for your sake . . . but it's really OK to think of Ed as your dad now. He deserves it. And it doesn't take anything away from your real dad. Not one thing.'

Annie could feel tears at the back of her own eyes. She felt as if she was falling forward into commitments she hadn't yet decided to make. Someone, somewhere had taken off her mental brakes without even telling her.

All of a sudden, she felt certain that she was going to marry Ed and sign the legal papers that would make him the children's real stepdad. Maybe even from tonight she would throw her diaphragm in the bin, make love without a safety net and get pregnant with him. Then he would finally be the one thing he still longed to be – a real dad.

'Call Ed "Dad",' Annie whispered into her daughter's hair, 'he'll absolutely love it.'

Just then there was a tap at the door and Ed looked into the room. 'Everything OK?' he asked with concern.

'Fine,' Annie told him. 'Get over here,' she instructed him gently.

Ed sat down on the edge of Lana's bed and put his arm around her shoulder just like Annie was doing. 'You feeling better?' he asked.

To his surprise, Lana used both arms to hug him back and resting her head on his shoulder, she sobbed against it. 'I'm so sorry . . . thank you . . .
Dad
,' she whispered the word tentatively, as if she were trying it out. As if she wanted to make sure it was OK.

Ed hugged her protectively and kissed the top of her head. When he looked up at Annie, she could see that his eyes were swimming.

'DINAH! ED! HELP!'

Their tender family moment was broken by loud shrieks from the landing below.

'It's Mum!' Annie said, springing up and rushing across the room.

By the time she'd made it down from the attic, Ed and Lana hot on her heels, Dinah and Owen had also rushed up from downstairs.

'He's taken my shoe!' Fern pointed with agitation in the direction of Ed and Annie's bedroom, 'I saw him running in there with it!'

'The dog?' Annie asked. 'If that dog has become a shoe eater, he is . . .' a glance at Owen told her she'd better not utter the threat she had in mind, 'in serious, serious trouble.'

'No!' Owen assured them, 'it'll be his chew, not a shoe. I bought him a whole box. He loves them, carries them around.'

'He does,' Lana confirmed, on Owen and Dave's side.

'No. It's my shoe!' Fern insisted. She hurried towards the open bedroom door and everyone else fell in behind her.

'It did look too big for a chew . . .' Dinah added.

Dave had jumped on top of her bed!
Annie thought with outrage. The disgusting little mongrel was growling, chewing frantically and digging his filthy little claws into the silk velvet bedspread in a frenzy of excitement.

'Down!' Annie blurted out.

'Now Dave,' Ed said, much more kindly, as if he was going to begin a long explanation about why you shouldn't bring Granny's shoes or your chew toys into the bedroom.

Annie looked more closely at the bed: it was scattered with paper.

'What is that?' Owen asked, coming in for a closer look at the dog just as Annie was registering that the scattered paper was a pattern she'd seen before. It was . . . wrapping paper. In fact, it was the paper Ed had used to wrap his gift to her!

Oh . . . good . . . GRIEF!

She looked at Ed.

Ed was looking at Dave.

Fern, Dinah, Lana, Owen: everyone was looking at Dave, moving in on him, fascinated to see what he was working away at with his jaws.

With a flash of horror, Annie realized, but it was too late to do anything to hide it. Everyone was going to see. She flicked a glance at Ed and saw the colour rising in his face. So he'd realized too.

Dave's strong teeth had already raised bumps on the rubber surface but they hadn't done much to disguise the exaggerated, but obvious, shape of the object. The stupid mutt then managed to bite down on the switch so that all of a sudden it sprang to life, whirring and twisting in his mouth. He growled and tried to shake it vigorously into submission.

'Put that down, Dave!' Ed commanded, making a lunge at the dog, desperate to be the first to get hold of him. But Dave ducked out of his grasp and now Owen had the dog's head in his hands and was prising his jaws apart.

Annie watched in slow motion as her 12-year-old son picked up a large pink and purple, nubbly rubber vibrating vibrator and held it up in front of his family.

'What is this?' he asked.

'Oh. My!' was Dinah's surprised response.

'Oh . . . my word!' Fern managed with a gasp.

'Is that a . . .' Lana began, her face wrinkled with disgust.

Before she could utter the dreaded word, Ed, redder than a beetroot on fire, snatched the battery-operated boner from Owen's hand muttering, 'Right, OK, we'll take that away from him and . . .'

But Ed seemed to hang there, vibrator vibrating in his hand, at a loss for words. He didn't even have the presence of mind to switch the thing off. So it continued to buzz and twist.

Annie didn't mean to catch Dinah's eye, she just happened to turn her head as Dinah turned hers, and somehow their glances caught in the middle.

Then there was no return, as both sisters began to rock and shake with their suppressed hysterics.

'That looks like a giant, Barbie willy,' Owen declared.

The wedding guest:

Tight white skirt (Debenhams)
Black and white bustier (same)
White feathered fascinator hat (same)
White shoes (Next)
Total est. cost: £160

Dinah had tried to persuade them. Fern had joined in. Even Owen had agreed, but it was Lana who had finally convinced Annie and Ed to pack up their bags and leave.

'If you don't go on your special weekend away just because of me, I'm going to feel so bad,' Lana had insisted. 'Go! I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine and I'll do every single thing Dinah says – and just go or I'll never forgive myself!'

'But it's nearly 9 p.m.!' Annie had argued.

'You'll miss dinner but you'll wake up to breakfast in bed,' Dinah had wheedled.

So finally Annie and Ed had agreed and were now crawling along an M25 still clogged with Friday night traffic. In the back of the Jeep was their luggage plus Dave, chewing on a dog chew, for a change.

Annie was behind the wheel, driving with charm but restless determination to forge a precious few feet ahead at all times. Ed was in the passenger seat, selecting songs from the choice of thousands on his iPod.

Now that they were on the road, they were properly excited about this trip. In the two and a half years they'd been together, this was the first time they'd managed to get away just the two of them. And it so nearly hadn't happened.

As Annie put her hand down to change gear, Ed brushed his against it. 'I love you,' he told her casually, 'even though your driving terrifies me.'

'I love you too,' she said, glancing momentarily from the road, 'even though your taste in music is weird.'

'No it is not!' he defended himself, 'I'm just trying to educate a disco queen!'

This was his favourite insult when it came to Annie's musical preferences. She was the first to admit that her tastes in music were similar to a very camp male diva's.

'Blame Connor,' she said, 'I spent too much time with him in Heaven. You know, the gay nightclub,' she added in explanation.

'What did you get out of it?' Ed had to wonder.

'Oh, I was just looking,' she told him, raising an eyebrow. 'I was in recovery, I didn't need to touch, or be touched.'

'But that's all changed now,' he said, and moved his fingers against the inside of her wrist.

'Yeah,' she said, as if he needed to be told.

The Jeep was finally free of the M25, Annie moved it down the slip road towards the M40. The motorway ahead was much freer, the wide lanes inviting her to move up the gears and put her foot down.

She pulled into the fast lane and heard the throaty rumble of the engine as they began to gather speed.

Ed changed the music accordingly, so as the speedometer began to rise towards 70 m.p.h., very earthy boy rock 'n' roll thumped out from the speakers.

'This is great!' she shouted over the music.

She looked over and saw a flash of surprise cross Ed's face.

'What is it?' she called out, eyes back on the road ahead of her. What had he seen that she hadn't? Instinctively, she touched the brakes.

'Annie, slow down! Change lanes!' he said urgently, pointing ahead of him.

She braked and swerved for the middle lane, feeling worried: 'What?' she repeated.

Then she saw it.

Spreading like a huge spider web from Ed's corner of the Jeep windscreen was a network of silvery cracks. They were moving furiously fast, threatening to engulf the whole window. In just a second or two she wouldn't be able to see out and after that, the whole windscreen might cave in on them.

'SHIT!' she exclaimed with real fear in her voice.

'Get to the hard shoulder! The inside lane's clear,' Ed instructed, craning his head towards the rear window to make sure she didn't swerve into another car.

Annie pressed on her hazard lights, hit the brake and changed down then moved into the slow lane. She made it onto the hard shoulder, jamming on the brakes, just as the spider web appeared before her eyes, throwing silver sparkles and slivers into her vision and totally obscuring the road.

By the time she'd brought the car to a standstill, the windscreen was a mosaic of tiny opaque pieces of glass and nothing could be seen beyond it apart from the glare of passing lights.