How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Two (18 page)

It might seem very romantic, a terrified girl falling into your arms and asking to be saved, but I assure you it isn’t. It’s actually quite upsetting. That she’s scared; that someone out there did this to her; that you’re expected to take care of it. All very upsetting.

A hero, of course, will do what needs to be done in order to save the girl. The heroes you hear about, that is. Then there are all those ‘heroes’ who attempt to save the girl, but fail. You don’t hear much about them, but I’m guessing they’re in the majority.

Dag had a bandage around his thigh where I assumed Jenny had stabbed him. He didn’t have his sword with him, but he was carrying the axe he’d been given on the first day. He immediately broke out his biggest smile when he recognised me.

“Hey. Look who it is. How you doing, bruv?”

From Jenny’s story, I had expected it to be Tin. I guess that was just my prejudices coming out. She was too worked up and babbling to be clear on who had attacked her, and I never asked.

“I’m doing okay,” I said. “What do you want, Dag?”

“Looking for a friend. You seen her?  Dangerous out here on your own. We’re all a bit worried about her.”

“If you mean Jenny, she’s with us now. No need to worry, we’ll take care of her.”

His smile got bigger, somehow. “Aw, that’s great. That’s good news. Only, there’s a slight problem we need to take care of.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“See, all her gear, her weapons and that, we paid for it all. Me and Tin, we’re the rainmakers in our group. It’s no biggie, we enjoy it to be honest. Killing monsters and making a mint while you do it—it’s a lot of fun.”
 

Dag helped himself to a seat on the opposite side of the fire, wincing a little.

“We make sure everyone else is kitted out properly, make sure they have what they need to survive, but if you’re going to leave the group, it’s only fair you return all that stuff.”

I nodded in understanding fashion. “According to Jenny, you decided she owed you a lot more than just her gear.”

Dag’s face registered surprise. He looked either side of him, like I might be talking about someone else. “Oh, that girl. That little minx. Face of angel, heart of a pure bitch. Tell you I tried to force myself on her did she?” He shook his head. “Ha! Can you fucking Adam and Eve it? After all the times I saved her pert little butt, she uses that old chestnut against me. Classic, innit? Girl can’t have things her own way, accuses the guy of rape. No winning against that is there? What do I say? It wasn’t me? I never touched her?”

He looked really saddened by the whole thing.

“You won’t believe this, but it’s not the first time someone’s accused me of that sort of thing. First year of uni, met a girl at a party, went back to hers and fucked all night. Happy as Larry, I was. Couple of days later, police only pull me out of lectures, don’t they? Turns out she has a boyfriend back home, felt all guilty about what she’d done and decided her getting drunk and throwing herself at me was my fault, somehow. Luckily, I’d videoed it on my phone, so everyone could see she was more than willing. Cops loved that, I can tell you. Wanted copies for their records.” He laughed. “Strange how history repeats itself.”

“She did have a pretty nasty gash on her head,” I said. “And you do have an axe with what looks like blood and hair on the blunt end.” Do I have great eyesight? No. Just a guess. He could always deny it. Not like I could call in CSI: Narnia to check for a DNA match.

He raised the axe and looked at it. “Okay, sure. I ain’t gonna lie to you. I don’t come out of this smelling of roses, by any stretch. I could just walk out of here and call it quits, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I wanted the gear back, she felt she’d earned it. I disagreed and started taking it by force—minimal force, mind—and she stabs me. Couple of inches to the left and women of this world would all be in mourning, let me tell you. I ain’t gonna deny it, I was pissed. I don’t believe in hitting women, you understand, but you stab a guy, bitch gonna get slapped. Instinct, bruv. Hit her before I even knew what I was doing.”

“The wound was on the back of her head,” I pointed out.

“She turned just as I swung. Probably good thing too, or I’d have caught her in that pretty face of hers. Look, it’s not hard to sort out. Bring her out here and let her accuse me to my face. If you still think she’s speaking the truth, I’ll walk away. But I think you’re a smart guy. You’ll be able to tell. I know you will.”

He was very convincing. Not frothing at the mouth or threatening, just a bit hacked off. I would be too, if I’d got stabbed for nothing.

Perhaps you were expecting a fight? The bad guy comes chasing after the innocent girl and I battle him to the death. Yeah, my death, most likely. Even injured, Dag was many times stronger and faster and tougher than me. And better with weapons. And more aggressive. And bigger. Do you see a pattern emerging?

It’d be great if the good guy was also the one better at fighting, like he always is in the movies. Up on the screen, good guys have a hundred percent win rate. Down here, it’s hard to even tell who the good guys are.

Everybody tell their version of a story in a way that makes them look good. Well, apart from me—I don’t give a shit what you think—but everyone else. Dag and Jenny probably both added a little here, forgot to mention something there.

What? You think because I had a thing for the pretty girl I’d automatically believe every word she said and condemn the guy out of hand?

Just because I fancy someone, doesn’t make them a good person. Just because someone is decent most of the time, doesn’t mean they can’t take a day off to be a dick. And vice versa.

I was willing to hear his side of the story. And if he sounded legit, I’d be willing to believe him. I’ve been in situations where the person I absolutely trusted turned out to be the liar. And somehow they always believe they were right to lie. They had to lie.
You wouldn’t have believed me if I told you the truth.

“I don’t know what happened between you guys,” I said, “but if it’s the gear you want, that’s no problem. Wait here and I’ll go get it. Armour and weapons, right.” I stood up.

He stood at the same time. “You know what? This whole thing, I can’t be bothered with it. Tell her to keep it. She can consider it her farewell present. Just watch yourself, bruv. She may look like butter wouldn’t melt, but she’s a sly one.”

He stepped closer to the fire and put a foot on the mound of earth next to it. The little hill had been put there so we could quickly cover the firepit in case of emergencies.

“Word of friendly advice,” said Dag. “You shouldn’t let your fire get so big. Lets the monsters know where you are, and you don’t want that, know what I mean?”

He pushed the mound of earth with his boot and it fell into the pit, extinguishing the fire. I found myself in pitch dark, but I could hear the jangle of Dag’s chainmail rushing towards me.

My hand burst into flame. The light was brighter than before, revealing Dag’s face as he bore down on me with his axe raised over his head. He looked very surprised, proper rabbit in the headlights, and then even more surprised when two arrows hit him.

The first arrow struck him in the chest and bounced off. The second went right in his armpit—the sleeveless armour did show off his biceps nicely, though—knocking him back and making him drop the axe. He grunted and fell to his knees, clutching the arrow with his free hand and yanking it out.

“Oh shit. That fucking hurts.” He squeezed the words out between ragged breaths. He looked up at my hand. “That’s a neat trick. You’ll have to show us how you do it.”

I took a step closer and kicked his fallen axe away.

“Woah, easy. I give, I give. You win, bruv.” He had his hand pressed into his armpit trying to staunch the bloodflow. “Ooh. Ha. Thought I could handle you on my own, but looks like I underestimated you guys. Tin’s always saying I’m too hasty. Says we should always wait and see how things are before rushing in. I ain’t got the patience, though. Always fancy myself to be able to take care of business, know what I mean? Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer, eh?”

His eyes were fixed on something behind me, probably my sword still stuck in the ground. It didn’t matter. He couldn’t reach it in time, and I didn’t need it.

“I know,” I said, “I’ve played the game.”

He looked confused for a moment. “It’s from a game? I thought Tin came up with it.
Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer
. Yeah, I guess it does sound like it could be from a game. Still true, though.”

“Yes,” I agreed, “but not today.”

I drove my spike through the underside of his chin until the point popped out of the top of his shaved head. It didn’t kill him.

He grabbed my wrist and tried to pull my hand down. His hand was slick with blood which made it hard for him to get a good grip on me. His other arm hung uselessly at his side. He was much stronger than me, but he was also in a lot of pain. The struggle was sixty-forty in his favour, I’d say.

I could have used my other hand, but it was still burning and I didn’t want to set myself on fire. I could feel the spike being removed from his skull. If he got it free, he was more than capable of making me stab myself with it.

He didn’t get the chance. The end of Maurice’s spear punched through Dag’s chest and he opened his mouth to let out a surprisingly gentle, “Ah!”

Maurice and I pulled out our weapons simultaneously and Dag fell face-first into the dirt.

“He liked to talk a lot,” said Maurice.

“Yeah. Chatty.” I’d just killed a man. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t feel any different to how I felt a moment ago. I wasn’t upset the way I’d been when I killed the Mouse King. Did that mean I was turning into some kind of sociopath? Or that this death felt justified? Either way, I wouldn’t be shedding any tears on this occasion.

My hand was still burning. I knelt down and let the blue flame slide off my palm, into the fire pit. The wood caught light immediately and the flames lit up the camp. Dudley walked in with his bow over his shoulder. His aim had been amazing, and what had been even more impressive was the speed. The two arrows had hit almost at the same time.

“He wasn’t a very nice man,” said Dudley. It wasn’t much of a eulogy, but it was accurate.

“What now?” asked Maurice. “I suppose we should leave as soon as possible.”

Cool, huh? The three of us talking over a dead body like it was no big deal. Who the hell were we becoming?

“There’s something I want to do first. You should go tell the girls we’re okay,” I said to Maurice. The I turned to Dudley. “I need you to help me get him back to his camp.”

Dudley just nodded, but Maurice looked surprised. “You’re going to take him back? Why?”

“Feels like the right thing to do. Plus, I don’t want them misunderstanding what happened. Don’t worry, I’ll have the sniperino watching out for me.”

“Do you think Tin knew about him?” said Maurice.

“Only one way to find out.” I bent down and grabbed one of Dag’s feet. “Come on, Dud, let’s go.”

Dudley grabbed the other foot but seemed hesitant. “It’s a tad dark, isn’t it? We could wait till morning.”

“Sniperino works better in the darkerino.” My hand burst into flame, lighting our way.

Walking along with your hand held up is quite tiring. It was too dark to see where we were going without the light, but very awkward. Dragging Dag’s body through the long grass was no easy matter, either.

There weren’t many trees in the marshlands, and we’d passed a group with distinctive white trunks when we first arrived, so I had a rough idea of where we were going. Still, not an easy task in the dark.

Dudley was as untalkative as ever and I was busy ignoring the doubts trying to force their way into my thoughts. The obvious thing to have done was leave. Dump the body somewhere and deny we had anything to do with it.

But some of the things Dag had said made me think Tin wasn’t the type to just leave it. I really didn’t want to spend every day looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to catch up with us. Plus, I had eagle-eyed Dudley backing me up.

It took us about an hour to get to the copse of white trees. By that time, my hand was barely flickering. Apparently, it used up some kind of energy to keep the magic going. How I replenished it, I had no idea. Rest? Food? In any case, the huge fire burning in the middle of the trees was enough to show us where we needed to go. Tin obviously didn’t worry too much about attracting the attention of monsters. Possibly, he even wanted to attract them, which was enough to worry me. 

I sent Dudley off to find a good spot. My hand was no longer aflame, just my regular old hand. I grabbed a boot in each and dragged the body into their camp.

Tin was standing, staring at me as I approached. The two girls—their names were Mandy and Amy, but I wasn’t sure which was which—sat close together by the fire chatting. They didn’t notice me until I was standing by the fire. The other guy, let’s call him Shifty, was on the far side of the camp busy living up to his name.

I dropped Dag’s feet and stepped aside to reveal his body. One of the girls screamed, then covered her mouth and looked to Tin. His expression didn’t change, he continued to stare coldly.

“I know this looks bad,” I said, “but I can explain.”

I expected some sort of response, but no one said anything, so I carried on.

“First, I want you to know I’m not here to start any trouble, but if things do take a nasty turn, I’m not alone. Dudley!” I called out. “See that waterskin?” I pointed at a waterskin hanging from a branch of one of the trees. “Shoot it.”

An arrow flew through the camp and hit the tree, missing the waterskin by quite some margin.

“For fuck’s sake, Dudley, focus!”

“Sorry,” came a distant reply. He shot another arrow. This one struck the waterskin right in the middle and water started pouring out.

“As you can see, he’s quite accurate. Most of the time.”

Another “Sorry,” drifted through the night air.

“Anyway, Dag’s dead. I killed him, but it was in self-defence. Plus, he attacked Jenny. I just wanted you guys to know what happened, in case you were worried or thinking you’d have to send out a search party or something. Any questions?”

They all continued to stare at me.

“Okay. Well, we haven’t taken any of his gear—none of are collecting the full rapist set—so you do what you want with him and good luck.”

One of the girls—the better-looking of the two—stood up. I just want to point out that they were both pretty good-looking, it was just the easiest way to differentiate between them.

She scowled at me. “Are you saying Dag tried to rape Jenny? Because he wasn’t like that.”

“He was like that, you just didn’t know it.”

“I think I knew him a little better than you did.”

“Okay. Then Jenny gouged a hole into the back of her own head and came stumbling into our camp with half her clothes missing as a prank?”

The girl didn’t seem convinced by my version of events. “I don’t know what—”

“Mandy,” said Tin, “sit down.”

She didn’t look too happy to be cut short, but she did as she was told. I have to say, I was kind of jealous. No one ever followed my orders that quickly.

Tin folded his arms across his chest and fixed me with his piercing blue eyes. “Do you really think you can come in here and tell us you killed our friend, and that we’re not going to do anything about it?”

“I told you what happened,” I said.

“I don’t give a shit what that bitch told you.” He turned his back on me but kept talking. “I don’t know what kind trick you used to kill Dag, but it won’t work with me. And your little friend out there isn’t going to save you.”

Tin bent down and picked something up. When he turned around, I realised that I had made a mistake. I’d always thought of him as the Captain America of these Avengers, but he obviously saw himself more as Iron Man.

On his head he had a helmet. Not like a hat or down to his ears and neck, I mean covering everything. Other than a slit across his eyes, nothing was exposed. He drew his sword out of its scabbard.

An arrow hit him on the chest and bounced off. Another hit him on the side of the head, and splintered into pieces. The helmet didn’t even have a scratch on it.

“He can keep trying, but it won’t make a difference. First I’m going to kill you, then him.”

“I’m the one you want. I killed Dag. You don’t have to kill anyone else.” So brave! What a hero I was being, right? Don’t be stupid.

“All of you are dead.” Tin swung his sword a few times. You had to hand it to him, he was being very professional, even warming up first. “Dag was an idiot. I told him to wait for me, but he never could keep it in his pants. Once I’ve taken care of you losers, I’m going to teach that little cock-tease a lesson.”

Mandy stood up again. “Tin, what are you saying? You can’t mean that? What about me? I always….”

“Shut up and sit down,” said Tin without even looking at her. “I’ve had more than enough of you. You know, some guys actually like a bit of a challenge. Feel free to leave any time you want, slapper.”

She looked shocked and upset. Whether because he had revealed himself to be an evil scumbag or because he’d just dumped her, I couldn’t say.

“What about the other girls?” I asked. I felt really calm considering the situation. Actually, I felt like I had a massive advantage. It almost wasn’t a fair fight.

“You must be joking. I wouldn’t touch them with ten foot pole. Rank.”

For the first time I felt a twinge of concern. If he had no interest in the girls, I was in big trouble. Luckily for me, Tin’s libido was big enough to save me.

“Tell a lie,” he said. “That little fat one looks like she might be some fun, once I knock all her teeth out, that is. I think I’ll keep her as a pet. What the fuck are you smiling about?”

It was true I was smiling. But then, I knew what was coming.

The arrow hit Tin right in the eye. It was a wicked shot. Through the slit in the helmet without even scraping the sides.

The thing about Dudley was, nothing focused his mind like Flossie. I’d seen him pull off some amazing shots when I’d wound him up about all the dangers she might encounter. I often wondered if he’d be able to repeat that level of skill in a real fight. He surpassed my expectations.

Tin dropped his sword and fell backwards like a felled tree. He seemed dead, but you never know. I walked over, took out my sword, and plunged it into his chest. There was some resistance from his chain mail, but the sword was sharp enough to snap through the links.

I was expecting a fountain of blood, but nothing came out.

A whimper drew my attention to the other guy, who I had almost forgotten about. He was skulking next to a tree. His eyes shifted from mine to the ground where Tin’s sword lay. I rose from where I was kneeling and walked towards him. He scrambled towards the sword. Why he didn’t have one of his own, I don’t know.

He grabbed the sword at the same time as I stuck my spike in his ear. I know it’s pretty gruesome, and not very valiant, but at least it was quick. He lay spasming on the ground for a few seconds, and then he was still.

I turned my attention to the girls. They both looked terrified. I retrieved my spike and then pulled my sword out of Tin. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to—”

The girl who hadn’t spoken until now, suddenly shot to her feet and pointed at me. “Murderer! Murderer!” she screamed. Then she turned and ran into the dark.

“Hey!” I called after her. “Be careful. It’s dangerous out there.”

There was no response.

“It’s quite dangerous in here, too,” said Mandy. He voice was cold, as were her eyes. She looked down at Tin’s body. “I didn’t know he was like that.”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

“You didn’t have to kill Marlon. He wouldn’t have done anything.”

Marlon. That was the other guy’s name. “Do you not watch war movies?” I said. “It’s always the creepy guy you feel sorry for and let off that comes back at the end and shoots you in the back. Fuck him. And fuck you. If you weren’t such a bunch of horrible dicks I wouldn’t have to do any of this. I just came here for the fishing. See ya.”

I turned to leave.

“You can’t just leave us here. We’ll die. Amy will come back once she’s calmed down a bit. At least take us back to Fengarad.”

I stopped. She was right, they probably would die. But why was it my problem. Fuck.

“We aren’t going to Fengarad. We’ll take you to the nearest town, and then you’re on your own. Get your stuff together. And you’ll be carrying your own shit.”

She started grabbing stuff. Dudley came wandering in like he’d just been passing and decided to pop in for a cup of tea. “Oh, hello there. It was getting a bit lonely so…”

You would never have guessed he’d just made the shot of the century.

“That’s fine,” I said. “We’ll be leaving once—”

There was a piercing scream from somewhere out in the dark. It was full of terror and then it was cut off, stopped dead, I’m guessing literally, and replaced by a familiar barking laugh.

“We’ll be leaving now,” I corrected myself, and ran.

A faint glow in the west indicated dawn approaching. It provided just enough light for us to

see the ground ahead of us as we ran for our lives. The other two kept up fairly well, not that I intended to slow down for them. They should have got up early and done laps like I had. This is what I’d trained for.

After about ten minutes of solid fleeing, I chanced a look over my shoulder. There didn’t seem to be anyone in pursuit, but I wasn’t going to stop to check. I did slow to a jog, though.

We made it back to the camp much faster than I expected. Not having to drag a corpse through the rushes probably helped. Maurice and the girls were sitting around the fire, the girls on either side of Jenny with their arms around her. Jenny’s face looked a lot better.

They all stood up when we came storming in.

“Let’s go,” I said. “Pack everything up. Time to go. Go, go, go.”

They just stood there, not moving. I should have asked Tin for some tips on giving orders before I killed him. Both Flossie and Claire’s eyes were glued to our new guest.

“What’s she doing here?” asked Claire, her previous gentleness no longer troubling her.

Both girls had reacted very positively towards Jenny, even though she was a pretty girl. But Mandy was a different animal. To sum it up, we were in the middle of a fantasy world, far from civilisation and it was barely morning, but Mandy had full make-up on—immaculately applied—and what looked very much like a push up bra.