How to Be a Great Lover (20 page)

DISCOVER THE PLEASURE OF TOYS

"Why did I never know about these things? They've added a whole new dimension to our lovemaking. It's not that we can't have sex without them. But why should we?"
FEMALE SEMINAR ATTENDEE, ATTORNEY, AGE 47

What Are Toys?

Typically portable, great as gifts, sexual toys are the items that add the sauce to the entree of sex. One married banker who gave herself a private sexuality seminar for her thirtieth birthday described the information about playthings she got: "I feel like I've opened Pandora's Box and wow, I just don't know where to begin."

We will cover where toys come from, who uses them, how to use them, and the seminar favorites for an Adult Play Chest. Every industry has its trade shows and the adult novelty industry is no different. I attend the Adult Novelty Manufacturers Expo semiannually to ensure I have the latest and newest products available. Even if you are shy or have never used toys before, there may be a toy here that will increase your pleasure and add some spark to your sex life.

All of the following items and products have been tested by the elite corps of "The Sexuality Seminar Field Researchers," who are women just like you! These field researchers are from every demographic group imaginable: female, male, celebrities, non-celebs, executives, non-executives, married, single, straight, gay, bi, golfers, non-golfers, and ranging in age from eighteen to sixty-six. And because they knew their responses would be used by people looking for accurate guidance, they were completely candid about what did and did not work.

Know that for a number of people everything about sex toys can be daunting and nerve wracking. Remember, the job of a toy is to enhance, not to take over. There are those who may feel that using toys is entirely too risky—they have visions of horrified relatives finding things in a closet upon one's untimely demise. Whatever your choice, you have to be comfortable with it. For our purposes the discussion will focus on toys and products, not videos, books, or aphrodisiacs, although there will he recommendations and sources at the end of this chapter.

WHO COMES UP WITH THESE IDEAS?

The use of sex-enhancing tools has occurred throughout history. The Kama Sutra discusses sexual aids; the Japanese came up with "happy" boxes that contained dildo-like items of varying size and shape. East Indian paintings from the 1700s show lovers using sexual accoutrements, and dildos are further immortalized on Greek pottery and in Egyptian frescos.

The source of ideas for sex toys is threefold. A manufacturer who requested anonymity laughingly told me the number one source of design ideas are the egos of the managers and manufacturing owners. There is a constant need to introduce some thing "new" via a change in color, shape, or new material. Often, as in the fashion industry, they are knockoffs of another manufacturer's design.

Source number two is ancillary marketing by the porn industry. Product manufacturers bring in the porn stars, typically women, and capitalize on their fame by licensing their names for use on a product the manufacturer then produces, such as the Rayvaness Butt Plug. Fortunately or unfortunately, it's been up to porn actors and the manufacturers themselves to test most of these products. This is where there seems to be a huge gap between the audience they are supposedly manufacturing for and how comfortable that consuming audience is with the products. Porn stars are used to having intimate body parts probed. poked, watched, and vibrated. But most of us know next to nothing about preference, style, size. How do we know how to buy or what to choose? That's where my field researchers came in.

The third source are customers who request that something be created for them.

WHAT QUALIFIES AS A " TOY"?

Just about anything can assume toy status. What we will be discussing are those things used within the "vanilla" mainstream. There are other products for more specialized pursuits and categories such as S&M, bondage, or fetishism. FYI: You do not have a true fetish just because an object, such as leather of spiked heels, turns you on or you really enjoy using them. Thu definition of a fetish is that you cannot get turned on without that object; it is the object, not the person, that arouses you.

But toys can include a range of everyday items: for some it is a scarf, a belt, a pillow. Should you choose to use things at home all you need is a teensy bit of imagination. Idea: if you really are buying cucumbers for salads choose an extra organically grown (no pesticides), one that tickles your fancy. Be sure it is well cleaned, at room temperature, and chances are your salad making will never be the same again.

We know fabric combinations as great fashion statements—leather with a silk skirt, velvet with chiffon but they can also be dynamite sensual combinations. Because our skin is our largest sexual organ, any change of texture can be very erotic. Imagine your bare skin feeling soft fleece then cool leather. A velvet or silk scarf can be run down his front and then used on his soon-to-be erect penis. Cushion his testicles with your scarf. Just be careful not to tie your silk scarves too tightly I would hate to see you take the shears to your Hermes.

HOW DO WE REALLY USE THESE?

Ask. If you are on the phone and ordering from a reputable place (see the list of seminar-preferred establishments in the Sources section at the back of this book), they should walk you through the options before you purchase. Good Vibrations out of San Francisco provides the benchmark for this type of customer service. An editor at Glamour who was doing a story on vibrators said, "I've told my friends that buying a dildo from GV is like buying a sweater from J. Crew. Simple, straightforward, and excellent product knowledge by the phone sale staff."

And what if you're in an adult store? It can feel intimidating. Often, people won't establish eye contact and tend to move furtively from area to area. Needless to say, this behavior can make you feel uncomfortable asking about the various toys on display or how to use them. Remember, these stores sell products they are very comfortable with; try to ignore the nervous onlookers and approach a sales clerk directly. Most will be courteous and helpful.

Keep in mind that some toys are not intended for use, but are rather purchased as novelties, to be used maybe once or given as gifts. And as my anonymous manufacturing source said, "Honestly, I don't know one manufacturer that uses these thing, themselves—including me." He further commented that the majority of manufacturers spend their money on the packaging and advertising, not on the research and development of the actual product.

Secret from Lou's Archives

Over twenty years ago, in Redbook's sex survey of 100,000 women, one out of five said they used some "device" during their lovemaking and for more than half of those women that device was a vibrator.

Treasures for the Adult Toy Chest

DILDO OR VIBRATOR

These very versatile toys have been around for ages. Technically k there is a difference between the two. According to Good Vibrations, dildos are "nonvibrating toys used for insertion the% fill the vagina or rectum, creating a sensation of fullness and pressure that many find highly pleasurable." A vibrator also resembles a penis in shape, but is usually made of a hard plastic material and is battery run. A vibrator's main purpose is to produce vibration wherever the operator wishes it. With the current off, a vibrator can act like a dildo, depending on its shape.

For those who are worried that a vibrator will make you unresponsive to your male partner, do not worry If you are able to orgasm other ways, manually, orally or with water, know that this is just another way—often a faster and more intense way It won't replace your man. Nothing will ever replace men.

Ladies, we know how men have a thing for remote controls, right? Well, there are now vibrators that will allow him to be in the driver's seat, so to speak, when he operates your vibrator—and obviously, only if you want him to. Men have said these vibrators make them feel more a part of her orgasm, as if he was in charge. After all, isn't everything a matter of perception?

Secret from Lou's Archives

For hygienic reasons, before insertion, both dildos and vibrators should be dressed with a condom. It also makes cleanup easier.

Dildo/Vibrator History

Ladies, these things are ancient! The presence of dildos is recorded in ancient Greek, Roman, and Egyptian art; there are also records of French troops giving their wives dildos as masturbatory aids before they marched off to war. In terms of vibrators, according to historian Rachel Maines, these toys were used as early as the 1880s as a medical appliance, "designed to improve the efficiency of medical massage, a task performed since ancient times by physicians, midwives, and their assistants from the time of Hippocrates to that of Freud." Medical and midwifery texts of the 1600s explained that this type of "treatment generally consisted of the insertion of one or more fingers into the vagina and the application of friction to the external genitalia with the other.

TPF FPT

. . . The objective was to induce hysterical paroxysm, manifested by rapid respiration and pulse, reddening of the skin, vaginal lubrication, and abdominal contractions."
¹

TPF FPT

By 1900, "a wide range of vibratory apparatus was available to physicians. Articles and textbooks on vibratory massage technique at the turn of the century praised the machines' versatility for the treatment of nearly all diseases in both sexes, and its [sic] efficiency of time and labor, especially in gynecological massage." Until the late 1920s, vibrators were advertised in women's magazines as home appliances, primarily as an aid to good health and relaxation but with ambiguous overtones, as one advertisement promised, "All the pleasures of youth will throb within you."
²
Maines believes that vibrators fell into disrepute when they started being used for psychotherapeutic treatments and/or when they began appearing in the stag films of the 1920s where their obvious sexual use could not be overlooked. So there is a possibility your grandmama may have been more progressive sexually than you first thought.

Choosing a Dildo That's Right for You

As we head into the twenty-first century there is a style and type of dildo and vibrator to suit every person. Some are completely lifelike, having been molded from real people, often porn stars. Others are disguised creatively. The reason? In Texas, dildos are considered an obscene device, which is defined in their penal code as "any object designed and marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs." So sex shops sell them as "condom

1

2

TPPT
Blank. Joani. Good Vibrations: The Complete Guide to Vibrators. pg 4.

TPPT
Ibid. pp 5-6.

practicing devices." According to one manufacturer of unique shapes, "Most of the unusual dildos sell okay in the Bible belt, because regular dildos aren't legal there, but the people want something they can use, and they like my cacti especially" Who knew?

Most importantly, choose a style that suits you. You have your choice of:

Size:

Material:

• Plastic, silicone, metal, rubber, vinyl, Jelee (trade name for a soft, clear, often colored plastic)
  

  Shape:
  

• Straight, curved, lifelike,
  

  be aligned to stimulate the clitoris while the shaft portion is inserted vaginally. Meanwhile, the shaft portion can be doing something nifty, such as rotating, twisting at the head, or pulsing in and out at the same time the clitoris is being stimulated.