How to Be a Normal Person (28 page)

“Whoa,” Josiah said. “How…? I don’t… understand.”

“Are you Amish?” Serge asked him seriously. “Is that why you eschew technology?”

“Gesundheit,” Josiah said.

“What?” Serge asked. “I said eschew.”

“Bless you,” Josiah said. “Must be all the pollen in the air.”

“He’s not Amish,” Casey said, which Gus was eternally grateful for as he wasn’t quite sure what was going on. “He’s just old school.”

“Yes,” Xander said. “Speaking of old, just how old are you?”

“Twenty-nine,” Gus said, trying very hard not to be offended.

“Ooh,” Josiah said. “You poor thing. Don’t worry. I hear thirty is the new something something. I don’t even know. You’ll make it work, somehow. I believe in you.”

“Thanks?” Gus said. Or asked. He wasn’t quite sure.

“We could help you make an Instagram account,” Serge said. “It’s not that hard. What generation of iPhone do you have?”

“Oh. Uh. I don’t. Have an iPhone?”

“What’s happening?” Josiah asked Serge. “I feel like I’m about to freak out.”

“He’s an Android user, I guess,” Serge said. “Nothing wrong with that. Gus, let me see your phone and I can figure out how to set it up.”

“It’s not my thing,” Gus said with a shrug, but he pulled his phone from his pocket and set it on the table.

Xander poked it with a finger. “What is that?”

“A phone,” Gus said.

“But… it… flips open?”

“What’s a Nokia?” Josiah asked, squinting at the scraped lettering. “Is that Chinese for iPhone?”

Serge flipped open the phone and cocked his head. “The screen is really tiny. How can you look at Tumblr on a screen so tiny?”

“I don’t look at Tumblr,” Gus said quickly. “That place is scary. A man wanted to get a woman’s mouth pregnant and so I never went back to Tumblr.”

The silence that followed was only slightly more awkward than the ones before it.

Xander then decided that the conversation had focused on Gus for far too long and started asking Casey if he remembered some guys named Chumley and Bad Tomás back in LA and apparently they’d been thinking of opening a new froyo shop (whatever the hell
that
was; Gus thought maybe it was some kind of underground illegal dispensary) and that LA was just
drab
without Casey there and how was his book coming along? Did he hear back on the status of the second movie? Did he like working in a coffee shop? He could do that in LA too, Xander reminded him. Apparently, there were thousands of coffee shops in LA if that’s what Casey wanted to do.

“I guess, man,” Casey said, his hand never leaving Gus’s. “But it has been good here for me, you know? Cleared my head quite a bit.” He glanced over at Gus fondly, and Gus felt that warm happiness in his chest and he didn’t even try to ignore it.

Josiah and Serge kept talking to Gus, but Xander made sure to override him any time he spoke. Casey’s hand tightened every time it happened, and Gus could see the frown getting more and more pronounced. He was relieved when Lottie brought out the food so he could focus on eating.

After, Casey invited him back to Lottie’s to go smoke out with them, but Gus declined, saying he needed to run some errands before dinner that night. He shook the hands of the Three Ironic Amigos and told them he’d see them later. Two of them smiled. One did not.

Casey walked him out of the shop, the crowd apparently having long dispersed.

“Sorry about that,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll talk to him and—”

“No,” Gus said hurriedly. “It’s cool. They’re just… protective of you. I get that.”

“I know, man,” Casey said. “Still no excuse, you know? He’s acting like a bitter ex and it’s never been like that before.” He frowned. “He was never the jealous one. It was always—” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.”

Gus wanted to ask him what he meant, but thought maybe it was best to avoid it. Avoidance was key to many, many problems. “So,” he said. “Boyfriend, huh?” He hoped he didn’t sound needy.

Casey said, “Uh. Yeah. Kind of? I guess. We didn’t really talk about that before. Um. Sorry? I can tell them that we’re not like that if—”

Gus said, “No, no, I’m good. Like. Good. In the hood. I mean, if you
want
to tell them it’s not—”

Casey said, “No! Nope. No. I don’t want to tell them that at all. I’m… good. With it. If you are. In the hood. We just didn’t even
talk
about it and here I am—”

Gus said, “Here you are. Saying those things. Like. Just. I was all sitting down for my sandwich and conversation and you were, like,
boom
. You know? Boom. Boyfriend bomb, oh my god.”

Casey said, “Yeah, yes. Boom, man. Like.
Boom
. I wanted to ask you, but then I went all Kamikaze with it. You were like Pearl Harbor and I was your boyfriend bomb. Boom.”

Gus said, “Boom.”

Casey said, “
Boom
. God, I wish I didn’t say that about Pearl Harbor. That was wrong. Those people suffered enough and—”

Gus said, “And then Michael Bay came and made it
worse
, what the hell. Really, Mr. Bay? You needed a
love triangle
as a backdrop to Pearl Harbor?
Really
?”

Casey said, “Yeah, man. Seriously. A
love
triangle. What the hell. I’ve never seen it so I don’t know what you’re talking about. So. Boyfriends?”

“Yeah,” Gus said, nodding maniacally. “I’m down. I’m down with it. I’m jiggy like Will Smith. You know? Bienvenido a Miami. Or however that song goes. So. Yeah. Boyfriends. Cool beans, man. Rock on… rock… star.” Internally, Gus was screaming at himself to stop talking. Thankfully, it eventually worked.

Casey’s smile was blinding.

Gus didn’t even ask for the hug this time.

Just went right in.

It was
glorious
.

HOW TO
Introduce Your Friends to the Friends of Your Lover

Well, isn’t
this
interesting? You’ve decided to introduce your friends to those of your significant other. Much like was taught in the lessons of How to Make Friends with a Cat, this may require time and patience before you—

HOW TO
Make Friends with a Cat.

So, you have a cat who is not your friend. Right, right, because why else would you be here? That would be weird if you didn’t own a cat or want to own a cat or even
knew
a cat to befriend. But since you are here, you obviously have the heart of a cat to win.

Step 1: Let the Cat Make the First Move

Yes, this can be difficult when you see a pile of fluff and you want nothing more than to put your face in it and blow. But, as is well known, cats are inherently evil and this could lead to significant injuries to your lips, gums, and eyes. Whatever you do, do
not
blow on a cat that you don’t know.

To begin, keep your distance, but make your presence known. For example, when you are entering a room where the cat is known to be, simply bang lightly on the walls or say, “Hey, cat. I’m announcing my presence. It would be cool if we could be friends.” If you do this every time you enter a room, the cat will get more used to you. This is called conditioning, and is sometimes used on prisoners of war, only not as politely. You don’t need to waterboard your cat to get it to be your friend.

Once the cat is conditioned, it will potentially begin to acknowledge you as a being worth its time and energy.
That’s
when you know the true battle has begun—

“What the hell am I reading?” Gus demanded. “How did I even end up here? Goddamn you, Internet. Come on, Gus.
Focus
.”

HOW TO
Introduce Your Friends to the Friends of Your Lover

Well, isn’t
this
interesting? You’ve decided to introduce your friends to those of your lover. Much like was taught in the lessons of How to Make Friends with a Cat, this may require time and patience before you are able to achieve the results you desire. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are bonds between two groups of people united by lovers.

“So gross,” Gus muttered. “Lovers should not be used to describe anyone anywhere ever.”

Step 1: Pick Neutral Ground

It is very important for everyone to feel comfortable during the first meeting, which means picking a place that neither group of people claims as their own. For example, if your friends are metalheads and your lover’s friends are Christians, it’s probably not a good idea for the first meeting to be at a death metal concert with a band named Boners for Satan. The Christians might not feel comfortable as they won’t have immediate access to hymnals to counteract the satanic sex lyrics. In this case, an appropriate meeting place for metalheads and Christians might be a farmer’s market or a mariachi festival.

Gus had this first part down. Lottie had graciously invited everyone to her house where she and Casey would be cooking. The Three Ironic Amigos weren’t staying there, and Gus had only been in Lottie’s house a few times since he and Casey preferred Gus’s place.

It was the second step he was more worried about.

Step 2: That One Friend

We all have them. You know what I’m talking about. That One Friend. Yes, That One Friend who you love dearly and enjoy very much, but who can be a bit on the wild side. Their personality isn’t for everyone. What you might consider bubbly, others might potentially consider undesirable. Before you decide which of your friends is That One Friend, make sure you look inside yourself to make sure that
you’re
not That One Friend.

Gus looked inside himself and was most certain that no one would ever use the term “bubbly” to describe him, so he was confident he was not That One Friend.

That One Friends tend to not understand certain social situations don’t always require them to tell the story of the time they backpacked through Europe and met a band of roving gypsies, or that one time when they went to the zoo and fell into a hippopotamus exhibit while their drag queen friend recorded the entire thing.

“What,” Gus said.

It’s best to speak to That One Friend ahead of time. Don’t come across as irritated or demanding. Speak slowly and clearly, making sure That One Friend understands you love them just the way they are, but maybe, just this one time, they can tone it down a little. If That One Friend is truly your friend, then they will understand. Be calm. Be reassuring. Give a compliment, followed by constructive criticism, ending with another compliment. A compliment sandwich will make That One Friend your friend for always!

The problem was that Gus didn’t
have
That One Friend.

He had three of them.

“We need to talk,” Gus said slowly and clearly when the We Three Queens arrived at his house, Harry S. Truman in tow.

“Oh dear,” Bernice said. “Are you breaking up with us?”

“That’s not what this is about,” Gus said.

“Why are you speaking like that?” Bertha asked.

“It sounds like you’re talking in slow motion,” Betty said.

“Please,” Gus said. “Have a seat.”

The We Three Queens sat on the couch and looked at him expectantly.

“You’re meeting Casey’s friends tonight,” Gus said, enunciating each word as carefully as possible.

“Yes,” Bertha said. “We’re aware.”

“Was it supposed to be a surprise?” Bernice asked. “Because if so, you’re terrible at surprises. Because you told us. As did Casey. That’s, like, the anti-surprise.”

“It wasn’t a surprise,” Betty said, patting Bernice’s hand.

“Notice how I am calm and reassuring,” Gus said.

“That’s your calm and reassuring face?” Bertha asked.

“That looks more like a constipated face,” Bernice said.

“Maybe Gus is calm and reassuring when constipated,” Betty said.

“Oh,” Bernice said. “Then why did he want a colon flush?”

“Or the proctologist?” Bertha asked.

“Gus works in mysterious ways,” Betty said.

“Quite,” Bertha said.

“Indeed,” Bernice said.

Gus moved forward with the compliment sandwich. “You all look lovely this evening.”

“Why thank you, Gus,” Bertha said.

“I got these earrings from a Mexican dollar store,” Bernice said. “In Mexico.”

“I was going to shave my head but decided against it,” Betty said.

Now the constructive criticism. “You’re all fucking crazy,” Gus said seriously.

“That is most certainly true,” Bertha said. “But that is why I take antipsychotics.”

“Mexican dollar stores are not like American dollar stores,” Bernice said. “Because Mexico didn’t use dollars.”

“You should have seen some of my crazy during the war,” Betty said. “Bamboo shunts under fingernails are not for the faint of heart.”

And the final piece of the sandwich. “You guys are my best friends.”

“Oh, Gustavo,” Bertha said with a sniff. “You’re a peach and I would eat you so.”

“I don’t think I’ve been this happy since yesterday when I found a coupon for Taco Bell,” Bernice said, wiping her eyes.

“Breathe through it, Betty old girl,” Betty said, bringing a fist to her lips. “Breathe through the feelings.”

“Good?” Gus asked after the emotions died down.

“Good,” the We Three Queens said.

“Fuck yeah,” Gus said. “Let’s rock this joint.”

STEP 3: COMING
Together Always Feels Good

Now it’s time. You’ve picked a neutral location. You’ve had the necessary discussion with That One Friend. Now it’s time to bring your friends and the friends of your lover together in what is sure to be a pleasant and enjoyable time had by all.

Start with the basics. Make sure to introduce each of your friends and tell a fun, memorable fact about each of them so your friends know you care and your lover’s friends learn something new. However, be careful by what you reveal. For example, you should never say, “This is my friend Tammy. She likes eating grape popsicles, and when she was sixteen, she had unprotected sex, got pregnant, and gave up the child for adoption. She doesn’t know where the kid is and the father of the child is in jail on drug charges.”