How to Be a Normal Person (29 page)

Once the introductions are complete, keep the conversation moving. Don’t allow those awkward silences to stretch for too long, otherwise the first meeting might be considered a bust. Don’t try to force it, however. Forced conversation, especially among a large group, can come across as shallow and desperate, neither of which you are.

You and your lover were brought together for a reason. You have similar interests and goals and ideas. Chances are both sets of friends do too, which will make for an unforgettable first meeting!

“So,” Xander said. “You’re… an elderly biker gang. On Vespas. And you’re Gus’s best friends.”

They were all sitting in Lottie’s living room, the We Three Queens on one couch, the Three Ironic Amigos on the other. Casey and Gus stood side by side near the edges of the couches, ready to facilitate if needed. Well, Gus was ready to facilitate. Casey was a little bit stoned, as were the Three Ironic Amigos. Apparently, bonding after not having seen each other for a couple of months meant getting baked. Casey had assured Gus that he hadn’t gotten
that
stoned, only smoked half a joint. Gus had rolled his eyes and sighed. Then Casey had kissed the tip of his nose and Gus had felt a little bit stoned too.

“That sounds like an apt description,” Bertha said.

“You all smell like Woodstock,” Bernice said,

“Ever been in the Army, boys?” Betty asked.

“I don’t think—” Gus said.

“I thought about it,” Serge said. “But at the time, I always asked, always told, so it really wasn’t a place for me. And I like weed too much.”

“I dressed up like I was in the Army once,” Josiah said. “I wore these cutoff fatigue shorts and danced on a box. Strange men gave me money.”

“A little bourgeois, if you ask me,” Xander said, sounding almost bored. And stoned. Definitely stoned. “Why do you wear matching jackets?”

“Maybe we should—” Casey tried.

“It helps to show others we’re in this together,” Bertha said. “They are my family.”

“Why were strange men giving you money?” Bernice asked.

“Bourgeois,” Betty snorted. “Glad you even know the word as you apparently know nothing about serving. What do you do for a living?”

“How about we—” Gus said.

“I’m a yoga instructor,” Serge said. “I help people soothe their chakras and find enlightenment in their souls.”

“Probably because the shorts I wore were wet and really short,” Josiah said. “And I was dancing really sexy. You know how it is.”

“I do tattoos,” Xander said. “Did all of Casey’s. Why are you friends with Gus?”

“I have a good idea—” Casey started.

“Because he is a beautiful soul who is bitchy and can probably hold his own in a knife fight,” Bertha said.

“I definitely know how it is to dance sexy,” Bernice said. “People often say that it was I who brought sexy back and not Justin Timberlake, the poor boy.”

“Gus was the first person to welcome us to town,” Betty said. “He also has nice hair and ears. Why are you friends with Casey?”

“Oh my god, why—” Gus said.

“Casey helped me come out to my parents,” Serge said. “He’s like a brother to me.”

“Thank you for bringing sexy back,” Josiah said. “I don’t know what I would have done without your generation.”

“Casey is one of the best people I’ve ever met,” Xander said. “I don’t think I know anyone better. Why should he be able to date Casey?”

“That’s not even—” Casey snapped.

“Because Gus knows how to treat other people nicely, especially those he cares deeply about,” Bertha said. “He may look and act gruff, but he is like sunshine on your face.”

“I have never danced on a box before,” Bernice said. “Is it much like dancing on the ground?”

“Gus will always put others before himself,” Betty said. “It may not always be blatant, but he sacrifices a lot for other people. Why should Casey be able to date Gus?”

“Why does this sound like an interview and—” Gus said.

“Casey makes people happy wherever he goes,” Serge said. “Gus is like sunshine? Casey is
literal
sunshine and I want to bask in him forever.”

“Almost like dancing on the ground,” Josiah said. “Except a lot more crotch shaking because everyone is eye level with your crotch and pretends not to be staring.”

“Casey makes everything better,” Xander said. “All he has to do is be in the room and I know everything will be okay. Do you think we need to have the talk?”

“I am too stoned for this—” Casey said.

“I think that might be the best idea,” Bertha said. “Especially if this is going the direction I think it is.”

“I am down with crotch shaking,” Bernice said. “I had a hip replacement last year and everything moves better now. I am like a well-oiled machine.”

“I don’t see what it could hurt,” Betty said. “We have them both here and we might as well. Do
you
think we need to have the talk?”

“No, no talking, no
talking
—” Gus growled.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” Serge said. “But I’ve never seen him like he is with Gus. I think it’s time.”

“New hips that obviously don’t lie,” Josiah said. “We should find a box and dance on one together and try it out.”

“As much as I hate to say it,” Xander said, “I think it’s probably for the best. Though, I don’t know how long it could possibly last. You take Casey?”

“Where are you taking—” Casey said.

“Agreed,” Bertha said.

“I’m going to get down with my bad self,” Bernice said.

“That should be fine,” Betty said. “You take Gus?”

“Let’s not and say we—” Gus said.

“Perfect,” Serge said.

“Ooh,” Josiah said. “Shake it, Bernice!”

“With pleasure,” Xander said.

Bertha and Betty stood.

Bernice said, “I have no idea what’s going on.”

Serge and Xander stood.

Josiah said, “Me either. I’m so stoned.”

“Stand up,” Bertha whispered. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Bernice stood up. “
You’re
embarrassing,” she muttered.

“Stand up,” Xander snapped. “We have work to do.”

Josiah stood up. “
You’re
work to do,” he muttered.

They all turned to Gus and Casey.

“What’s going on, guys?” Casey asked with his lazy smile.

But Gus knew. Gus knew right away what was going on. “Oh no,” he whispered in a blind panic. “It’s the if-you-hurt-him-best-friend speech. Of
doom
.”

STEP 4:
The If-You-Hurt-Him-Best-Friend Speech

Chances are, if the two groups of friends get together, there is going to be the dreaded If-You-Hurt-Him-Best-Friend Speech, also known as the “Shovel Talk.” This speech allows the friends of the lovers to casually threaten death and dismemberment should one of the lovers do anything to hurt the other lover.

It is a necessary rite of passage in order to grow as lovers. Regardless of that fact, it can be rather intimidating when you have people intimidating you over the happiness and well-being of another. Bear in mind, that if you get to this point, it’s a good thing! The friends have deemed you worthy enough to threaten your life.

It’s best to take this speech seriously. Maintain eye contact the entire time with whoever is speaking. Nod your head in acknowledgment while they speak to make sure they know you understand them. Do not get defensive at any point, or you might come off as cold and callous. Assure the friends that you have your lover’s best interests at heart and you will never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

Here is an example of the wrong reaction to have:

“I hear what you’re saying, Mai Lin. But you know what? Go jump off a building into a stack of cement blocks. I can do what I want, whenever I want. You ain’t the boss of me. And if Joaquin has a problem with me, he can tell me himself. If he has the guts to bring it up, that is, that poofter. He knows who butters his bread. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go flirt with that waiter over there carrying the couscous. He’s got buttocks that just won’t quit.”

Here is an example of the right reaction to have:

“Thank you, Mai Lin and other racially diverse friends of my lover. I hear your concerns and appreciate you relaying them to me. As you know, Joaquin and I are very much enamored with each other and I believe in an open line of communication. I can’t promise he will never be upset, but I will always do my best to fix it. I will never intentionally hurt him. He is a great guy and I am super thrilled to be a part of his life almost as much as I am to be a part of yours. We should play tennis next week, or some other activity that will allow us to get to know each other better. I’ve got a racket if you’ve got the balls.”

GUS WAS
very, very sweaty.

Casey had disappeared with the We Three Queens while the Three Ironic Amigos forced him to sit on the couch across from them. They all sat up straight, arms across their chests, staring (glaring?) at Gus. Josiah had a bit of a dazed smirk on his face. Serge was frowning slightly. Xander was openly scowling.

For a brief moment, Gus was pissed off that these three had the
gall
to try and intimidate him after only having met him a few hours before. Who the fuck did they think they were, coming here and trying to act like they had any right to speak to him about his boyfriend.

And wasn’t
that
just a strange thought he hadn’t yet wrapped his mind around? Gustavo Tiberius, of all people, had a boyfriend. An asexual hipster stoner boyfriend who smiled like sunshine and shit talked when playing Scrabble. There was a little hurt in his chest at the thought of having someone to call his own—

(One hundred and fifty-seven days before he died, Pastor Tommy said, “It’s not working anymore, Gussy. The chemo. The proton therapy. The synthetic drugs that feel like poison. It’s not working anymore. They said there’s nothing more they can do. A specialist gave me two months. Another gave me four. And all the while, during the whole time I’m sitting there listening to them tell me I’m going to die, that I’m going to waste away into nothing, you know what I thought? I told myself how could I be leaving so soon? How could I be crawling off this earth when there is so much left to do? There are so many things I never got to see, okay? The aurora borealis. Mount Rushmore. People leaving their guns and their hate behind. I’ll never get to see someone make a rational fucking decision on
House Hunters International
, oh my god, what is their
problem
? But the one thing that I’ll never get to see, Gussy, the one thing I’ll regret more than anything else in the world, is never getting to see the day when you fall in love. God, how beautiful that day is going to be. How perfect. How wonderful. You listen to me, okay? You listen to me. When that day happens, when you find him, you hold on with all of your might, because if there is anyone in this world that deserves that, it’s you. It’s you, Gussy, I promise.”)

Whatever. He wasn’t in love, but it still pissed him off.

“Gus,” Xander said. “We wanted to talk to you, one on one.”

“Three on one, but okay,” Gus said.

“He’s our friend,” Josiah said, eyes slightly glazed. “We’ve known him a long time.”

“And we worry about him, you know?” Serge said. “Things weren’t… good. For him. For a little while before he left. A lot of stress with books and agents and movies and people thinking they had his best interests at heart but only caring about their bottom line.”

“He decided to get away,” Xander said. “To clear his head. To find perspective. And almost
immediately
, it was Gus. Gus. Gus.”

“That’s not my fault,” Gus said, trying very hard not to scowl. Normal people did not scowl when getting interrogated by a boyfriend’s friends. Normal people probably had a Stepford smile and asked if they could refresh anyone’s lemonade.

Except.

No one was drinking lemonade.

Gus scowled briefly.

“No one is saying it is,” Josiah said. “At all.”

“Absolutely not,” Serge said.

“Mostly,” Xander said. “Look, Gus. You seem like a… nice guy, but are you even remotely prepared for what it means to be with Casey?”

Gus narrowed his eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?”

They all exchanged looks. “He’s told you about himself, right?” Josiah said carefully.

“About his… preferences?” Serge asked.

Gus was confused. “You mean the hipster thing? I know I give him shit for it, but I really don’t care about that. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t Instagram
every single little thing
, but it’s not hurting anything aside from my sense of propriety. I may not understand you hipsters, but that doesn’t mean I dislike you. To be honest, I’m not really sure I know exactly what a hipster is. You all have facial hair and sometimes dress like a fancy homeless person, but that doesn’t mean that’s all you are, right?”

They stared at him.

“Right,” Gus said, even though he wasn’t sure if he was right.

Xander coughed. “I wasn’t talking about the hipster thing.”

“Oh. Then what are you talking about?”

“Casey’s asexual,” Serge said.

“I know,” Gus said.

“You do?” Josiah asked. “When did he tell you?”

Gus rolled his eyes. “Like, two days after I met him.”

They all looked stunned. Gus tried not to squirm.

“Well, then,” Xander finally said. “What do you think about it?”

“What’s there to think about? It is what it is. It doesn’t change anything.”

“Do you know what being asexual means?” Xander asked, and Gus was getting even more annoyed.

“I may not know some stuff,” Gus said. “Like technology, or whatever. But I’m not stupid. I didn’t know at first, but I asked and he explained. So yes. I know.”

“Good,” Xander said. “So that means you know that you won’t be having sex with him.”

Gus bristled. “I am aware of what it means. I don’t care about that part.”