How to Beat Up Anybody (3 page)

CHAPTER TWO:

Some people are misinformed and question whether I really am The World Champion. In this chapter, I provide
100% concrete proof that I am The World Champion
.

The World Championship is the most coveted athletic event for fighters and martial artists in the world. You cannot enter The
World Championship. You must be invited. If you’re one of the top fighters in the world, The World Championship Committee contacts you. If you have not been invited, you are not one of the top fighters. It is a fight with no rules.
If you’re alive at the end of the fight, you are the winner
.

The World Championship is held whenever and wherever The World Championship Committee decides to have it. You always have to be prepared to fight.
There is no time off
. It’s not like the Olympics, where you know where and when the event is years before it happens. You get a call, and then you have to show up within 30 minutes. If it’s in Korea and you’re in Kentucky, you have to get there really fast or you lose the title.
That’s why I own a spaceship
.

The World Championship occurs about 50 times a year. Sometimes it’s once a week. Other times it’s 30 matches in one week, and then you’re off for a couple of months.

Here are some photos and documents from previous World
Championship award ceremonies which
prove that I am The World Champion
.

HERE’S A PHOTO OF ME GETTING THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY FROM THE PRESIDENT OF SOUTH AMERICA WHEN THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WAS HELD IN ZAIRE IN 1998.

I USED MY REGULAR HEIGHT OF 7 FOOT 5 INCHES FOR THIS FIGHT. YOU CAN SEE HOW MY HEAD IS HITTING THE CEILING AND I’M DWARFING THE PRESIDENT WHO IS 6 FOOT 3.

This trophy was supposed to be presented to me by the Prime Minister of Zaire but he was afraid to meet me, so he sent his brother, the South American President.

Every World Championship has a different trophy presentation depending on where it’s held. This tournament had the best trophy.
Its figurine was modeled on what the losing opponent looked like at the end of the match
. The figurine’s head has been decapitated; there’s a large hole in the chest; both hands are missing as well as parts of both arms; one leg is chopped off; and the right knee is totally destroyed.

First thing I did in this match was take out my challenger’s right kneecap. Then I went to work on the left side of his body and ripped off his hand and leg.
Then I karate-kicked a hole in his chest and donated his heart to charity
. Then I snapped his right arm off. To end the fight, I picked up his severed hands by the wrists and karate
chopped his head off using his own hands
. I chose to chop his head off last because
I wanted him to see all the damage I was doing to him
. I don’t remember the guy’s name because nobody remembers who comes in second.
Not even him
. I met his parents after the match and they were really nice. They said to me, “You’re the son we always wanted.” I admit, my decapitated opponent’s wife was a little upset after the match, so I took her back to my hotel, and she had a great time.
She still sends me nude photos of herself every Valentine’s Day
.

The trophy has the real blood from my opponent on it
, which represents passion. The cup contains all the dreams he’ll never accomplish and the columns contain his forever suffering soul
and his sinuses
.

THIS IS ME GETTING A TROPHY FROM THE DUKE OF CHINA WHEN I WON THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP IN GUANGZHOU IN 2003.

Even though I successfully defended my World Championship title,
the Duke was really angry at me
—mostly because he bet all his money on my opponent, who happened to be the husband of his daughter, Mei-Hua.
Plus he found out that I hooked up with Mei-Hua before the match
.
I decided to make love to my opponent’s wife before the match to give me the psychological advantage
. The fight ended when I karate kicked my opponent’s head on fire and he burned to death in the ring.
This trophy is actually an urn that contains his ashes
.
It was a good match that lasted 3 minutes
.

The other reason the Duke is appalled by me is that in Guangzhou, China, it is customary that
whoever wins The World Championship gets to have sex with the trophy presenter’s wife as well anyone whom he has ever fantasized of sleeping with
—all while he is forced to watch from a hidden room.

This trophy isn’t that big, but The World Championship is more about the honor
. And the cash. I got 2 billion dollars for this one. The sign is not extravagant because the entire budget goes to the cash prize for the winner.

It was a great tournament, but
that was the last time I was in China. Because I got banned
.

Here’s the official letter from the King of China, banning me from all of China including the Shaolin Temple:

And here is the English translation:

I did some research, and my sources tell me
I’m the only person ever to be banned from the Shaolin Temple for being too good at karate
. I take that as an honor.

Like I said, every trophy presentation is different. My favorite trophy presentation happens to be one of the victories I’m most proud of. It was when I beat Cliff something (I don’t remember his last name) to first gain the title in the 1980s. This World Championship was held in Carmel, California, and the trophy was presented to me by the Commissioner of The World Championship, Reynolds McIntyre. This trophy presentation was unique because there was no separate ceremony.
They presented the trophy in the ring, immediately when the match finished
.

Unfortunately, there was no photographer at this event. But Cliff’s family was there.
His 9-year-old son, Cliff Jr., made this drawing of the trophy presentation
. Cliff Jr. gave me the drawing along with a big hug after the match.

Even though I completely dismembered his father and left his body parts in a lake of blood in the middle of the ring, Cliff Jr. looked up to me like I was his new Dad. He asked me if he could have some money to buy an ice cream cone. I gave him a few bucks, which freed me up, to focus on Cliff’s newly widowed wife Doreen, who had been eyeballing me throughout the whole match.
So we went to the locker room and took a shower together for 5 hours
. Cliff Jr. was away and busy eating lots of ice cream, so there’s no drawing to capture that memorable bathing experience.
It’s an honor when you win The World Championship
and have the support of your victim’s family. To top things off, The Commissioner gave me the award for Best Sportsmanship at the tournament. And declared me “
the best World Champion of all time
.” My career was just getting started.
And I’ve been The World Champion ever since
.

It’s time to start your training, but first you must learn the best way to stretch. I’ve invented a new way to stretch every muscle at once. And it takes less than a minute. I tie heavy-duty ropes to my arms and legs. And then have 3 cars and a bike drive away in opposite directions as fast as they can, simultaneously pulling on all of my limbs. I only use a bike for my right leg, because it’s usually looser and doesn’t need as much stretching. I like to have the cars go 70 mph and the cyclist go 35 mph.

While holding onto the ropes, you can also stretch your knuckles. Cracking your knuckles is popular, but bad for you. Your knuckles are your main fist-weapons. Take care of them, and stretch them out every day.

MAKE SURE YOUR FEET ARE AT LEAST 3 INCHES OFF THE GROUND.

EVEN THOUGH THE CYCLIST HAS FALLEN AND CRASHED TO THE GROUND, I MAINTAIN LEVITATION SO THAT ALL MY MUSCLES GET STRETCHED PROPERLY.

I have to be careful when I do this stretch. In addition to wearing out the cars’ tires, I could hurt the vehicles and their drivers if I pull back too hard on the ropes.

This is the most efficient way to stretch. It only takes 53 seconds to stretch out every muscle, tendon, and bone in your body. It even stretches your veins. Stretching should always be done as fast as possible. Stretching slowly leads to fighting slowly. And you don’t want that. If this stretching method hurts, stretch even further until the pain increases so much that you can’t bear it. And then stretch even further.
Don’t try this at home
. Try it outdoors where there’s more space.

Now you know the best way to stretch. Just remember that stretching is important.
But not as important as eating
.