How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (47 page)

– Fabricates a fantasy life to avoid real life and obsesses about it to the point of being addicted to it

•
The Exhibitionist

– Uses her body to get an adrenaline rush by sexually arousing others

– Uses her body to attract attention, acquire accolades, or achieve approval from others

– Uses her body to show off her titillating attire and sexually seductive maneuvers

– Uses her body to gain power over others by stimulating sexual desire within them, but not allowing them sexual access to her

•
The Looker

– Is generally a young woman immersed in Internet porn, cybersex, or phone sex because of the accessibility, affordability, and the anonymity they offer

– Is particularly attracted to the relational aspects of Internet pornography (the “crack cocaine” of sex addiction)

– Is customarily involved in chat rooms, forming powerful relationships with people online and then generally progressing to physically acting out with them in person

– Is hooked by the power of pornography and any visual stimulus just as much as the average male

•
The Romantic

– Is primarily focused on the pursuit and possession of a particular prey

– Is mesmerized by the feeling of falling in love, rather than the joy of the relationship itself

– Is enthralled by the intense, seductive cat-and-mouse chase

– Is disinterested in the relationship once the pursuit is over and the prey is snared

•
The Self-stimulator

– Chooses to masturbate within the world of pornography, cybersex, sexual fantasy, or without any outside stimulation whatsoever

– Chooses self-stimulation because of early sexual highs from child abuse or self-exploration

– Chooses to evade problems, ease pain, or elevate mood through habitual masturbation

– Chooses self-sex over marital sex to ignite her sexual desire for someone other than her husband, to express anger toward him, or to have leverage over him

•
The Swapper

– Trades sexual activity for special favors, such as good grades in school from teachers, promotions at work from employers, or help with parental responsibilities from husbands

– Trades sexual satisfaction for expensive gifts or money spent on entertainment

– Trades sex for physical protection in a dangerous neighborhood, community, or country

– Trades sex regularly for the sense of satisfaction that her body has some value to others

Life is a series of choices. Just as a struggler is free to choose slavery to addiction, that same struggler is free to choose what the Bible calls slavery to righteousness—being compelled to do whatever is right in God’s sight. The result of the first choice is death, and the result of the second is clearly life.

God would not tell you to do something you eventually couldn’t do. Notice how the Word of God squarely addresses these two distinct choices and their vastly different consequences:

“Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to
impurity so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading
to holiness. When you were slaves to sin…What benefit did
you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed
of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been
set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit
you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life”

(R
OMANS
6:19-21).

Being familiar with the definitions, characteristics, and causes of sexual addiction makes it fairly easy for objective, honest people to identify its presence and pressure in their lives. All addictions leave their prey feeling paralyzed and unable to move away from their pull so that they may gain freedom from their enslavement. To do so requires immense personal effort, immersion in a recovery program, and immeasurable hope in God—hope that banishes fear and shame, hope that brings security and safety.

“If you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no
evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face
without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You
will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone
by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will
become like morning. You will be secure, because there is
hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety”

(J
OB
11:14-18).

The first step toward becoming healthy is identifying what within us is unhealthy.

S
EXUAL
A
DDICTION
S
ELF-TEST

1. I sometimes wonder if my sex-related thoughts and actions are typical in comparison with other women.

2. I have been unsuccessful in trying to stop or even decrease unacceptable sexual thoughts and actions.

3. I use sex fantasies or sex encounters to ease stress and anxiety or to lessen emotional pain and loneliness.

4. I experience guilt, shame, regret, or sadness after having real or even imagined sexual encounters that do not involve my spouse.

5. I feel more and more compelled to engage in sexual activity either mentally or physically.

6. I cannot have sex with my spouse without its being tainted by my sinful sexual activity.

7. I have to fantasize or think about past sexual encounters to help me experience sexual satisfaction.

8. I find myself becoming mentally or physically involved with one person after another in a quest to find my one true soul mate.

9. I truly believe a special someone exists who will one day satisfy all of my sexual longings, and then I will no longer need other sexual outlets or experiences.

10. I absolutely must have someone in my life to meet my emotional and sexual needs, no matter the cost or the risk.

11. I have put myself and my loved ones in harm’s way in my quest for the perfect relationship or sex partner.

12. I have had more trouble focusing on and finishing tasks since my sexual preoccupation has increased.

13. I have suffered unpleasant repercussions and discouragement as a result of my inappropriate sexual activity.

14. I was sexually exploited when I was young.

If you answered only a small number of these questions in the affirmative, you would be wise to get involved in a sex addiction recovery program and to seek help and loving support from both God and trustworthy people.

“Sin shall not be your master, because you
are not under law, but under grace”

(R
OMANS
6:14).

She is a woman who has been wounded by the sin of sexual betrayal and has come to understand that it has nothing to do with sex. She is the wife of Dr. Mark Laaser.

Debra Laaser now knows that sexually addictive behaviors—such as viewing pornography or attending strip clubs—are only the tip of the iceberg. And the humongous mass of the proverbial iceberg lodged deeply within the soul of a sexually addicted person is weighed down with pain.

“I know today that Mark’s soul was filled with pain before I even met him.”
²⁰
Childhood sexual abuse and exposure to erotic material at an early age were contributors to sexual fixation and addiction. If sexuality is awakened in children, then sexual acts are often mistakenly associated with love and nurturing, and a child doesn’t have the discernment to distinguish the difference. As adults, sexuality is then equated with a nurturing comfort that helps to deal with the stresses of life.

Key components were in place to “birth” a sexual addiction: childhood sexual abuse, a nonnurturing mother, and overexposure to sensual images.
²¹

When it comes to sexual addiction, we’ve all asked ourselves,
Why did I do that?
The answer is simple: Our beliefs “birth” our behaviors. The messages we received in childhood, especially those regarding our own worth, relationships, and sexuality, formed our beliefs. These beliefs are powerful, for from them come all of our priorities, choices, habits, and, yes, even our addictions.
²²

“A simple man believes anything
,
but a prudent man gives thought to his steps”

(P
ROVERBS
14:15).

Everyone has three inner needs: the needs for love, significance, and security.
²³
If these God-given needs were not met in childhood, then your beliefs reflect that painful lack of nurturing, and you will attempt to fill the void in some way or another. The
male
sex addict believes that
sexual passion
or
sexual power
is comforting and nurturing, whereas the
female
sex addict believes
sexual connection
is comforting and nurturing. Thus both believe that a sexual experience will meet their needs for love, significance, and security.

Because people have not been dependable, the addict does not risk a relationship with a person, but enters into a
relationship with passion/connection
. People and things are merely the stimuli used. Because the addict desires passion/connection, their relationship is with passion/connection. The Bible says,

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient
,
deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions”

(T
ITUS
3:3).

Considering the Need for Love

B
ASIC BELIEF:
“I am unlovable.”

• “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.”

• “I am bad—bad things should happen to me.”

– Feeling that no one really cares

– Feeling that people care only if they can get something

R
ESULT:
“I must be
powerful
and
in control
to protect myself.”

• Enters into a “relationship with sex” not based on love

E
XAMPLES:

• A relationship with passion, but using a wife

• A relationship with passion, but using a prostitute

• A relationship with passion/connection, but using a child

Yet, regarding the need for love, God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3).

Considering the Need for Significance

B
ASIC BELIEF:
“I am unworthy.”

• “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t value me.”

• “I have failed; I’m a failure.”

– Feeling insignificant

– Feeling at fault for everything

R
ESULT:
“I must be in
charge
to protect myself.”

• Enters into a “relationship with sex” that can’t threaten the addict’s significance

E
XAMPLES
:

• A relationship with passion by being a Peeping Tom

• A relationship with passion by being a flasher

• A relationship with passion by being a rapist

Yet, regarding the need for significance, the Bible says, “He made us accepted in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:6
NKJV
).

Considering the Need for Security

B
ASIC BELIEF:
“I am unwanted.”

• “If you really knew me, you would abandon me.”

• “I’ve lost hope in people—I’m hopeless.”

– Can’t depend on others to meet my needs

– Can’t risk rejection

R
ESULT:
“I must be
self-sufficient
to protect myself.”

• Enters into a “relationship with sex” so that security won’t be threatened

E
XAMPLES:

• A relationship with passion by looking at pornography

• A relationship with passion by staring at a stripper