How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (48 page)

• A relationship with passion by watching a peep show

Yet regarding the need for security, the Bible says, “No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39
NLT
).

Debra Laaser has a very clear message she wants to send to every spouse who is a victim of sexual betrayal:
It’s not about you
.
²⁴

The marriage partners who view pornography or have affairs are using sexual behavior as a coping mechanism to deal with painful feelings, and it is a sinful choice. Sex addicts doubly delude themselves into thinking that sinful sexual behavior will provide the comfort and connection they’re so desperately seeking. But instead, all they’re left with is guilt, shame, and a void that can best be described as a hole in the soul.

Delusions are unrelenting false beliefs about yourself and others. In other words, being delusional means you believe your own lies. The faulty beliefs of sex addicts enable them to manufacture and believe their own elaborate defense systems. This interactive process between beliefs and denials results in seriously impaired thinking, moving them further and further from reality. The Bible says,

“The integrity of the upright guides them
,
but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity”

(P
ROVERBS
11:3).

The addict lives in two worlds: the outward appearance of normalcy, and the inward state of depravity.

“How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?”

(P
SALM
4:2).

Debra Laaser and Marnie Ferree both agree that the clinical term
sexual addiction
really is not the best label for compulsive sexual behavior.

They much prefer
intimacy disorder
, with Debra describing it as “a need to connect at a deep emotional and spiritual level with one’s spouse and with others but a lack of the skills to do so. The problem, then, is much deeper than sexual impurity itself. It is about a yearning for something more and a determination to find more—even at emotional, spiritual, and relational prices no human being can afford.”
²⁶

Marnie believes intimacy disorder is a more precise clinical term for sex addicts because they are looking for acceptance, approval, and affection. But ultimately, sex is a false substitute for intimacy.
²⁷

W
RONG
B
ELIEF:

“The most important thing in my life is sex. I will do whatever is necessary to get my sexual needs met.”

R
IGHT BELIEF:

“The most important thing in my life is to be changed by an intimate love relationship with Jesus. My first priority is to love my Lord and then to love others with a pure heart. Jesus loved me enough to die for me, and He now lives in me. Because my body belongs to Him, He promises to meet all of my true needs.”

“The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the
Lord, and the Lord for the body…Do you not know that
your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom
you have received from God? You are not your own; you were
bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
6:13,19-20).

It seems inconceivable, but the strength of spider webs has been likened to that of steel. Dr. Frauke Grater, a German scientist at the Heidelberg Institute for Theoretical Studies, makes the following observation: “Silk fibers exhibit astonishing mechanical properties. They have an ultimate strength comparable to steel, toughness greater than Kevlar (a synthetic fiber), and a density less than cotton or nylon.”
²⁸

And the webs that Mark Laaser and Marnie Ferree found themselves entangled in were just as strong and seemingly unbreakable. They just couldn’t break free. Every desperate attempt simply drew them back into their isolated, shame-filled worlds. They were caught in the middle of their webs…and filled with self-contempt.

But there is One stronger than both spider silk and steel,
the Sovereign Lord
. He stands ready to rescue and redeem the ensnared—those willing to cry out to Him, “Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge” (Psalm 31:4).

In the Old Testament, Joseph serves as our role model for fleeing from sexual immorality. When the wife of Potiphar (the captain of Pharaoh’s guard) tried to seduce Joseph to sleep with her, there was no pausing or pondering on his part. He simply fled, knowing even a single second could mean the difference between standing or falling with regard to the commands of God. “Though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her” (Genesis 39:10).

“Flee from sexual immorality
.
All other sins a man commits are outside his body
,
but he who sins sexually sins against his own body”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
6:18).

Whatever God tells you to do, He will equip you to do it. When God calls you to avoid sexual immorality, He will enable you to do it. Don’t live as a prisoner of past defeat.
Live in light of your high calling!

When you say
no
to sexual immorality, remember, blessings will abound and the character of Christ will become more deeply ingrained in your spirit. God’s decrees and ordinances are not meant to deny us; they’re meant to protect and preserve us, enabling us to live holy lives and to heed our heavenly calling. God couldn’t have put it more clearly: “Be holy, because I am holy” (1 Peter 1:16).

W
HY
A
VOID
I
MMORALITY
? 1 T
HESSALONIANS
4:1-8

For Mark Laaser, the door out of sexual addiction wasn’t opened,
it was busted down
. And he doesn’t have a single regret that he ultimately walked through it.

After decades of a disturbing and dangerous double life, Mark finally got caught. A colleague at his counseling practice found out about one of his affairs. Mark was immediately fired, and several days later he entered a treatment center for sexual addiction. The following months for Mark were filled with pain as he reflected on childhood memories and experiences, absorbed the impact of the abuse he perpetrated on others, and grieved over the humiliation he brought to his wife and children.

But there was also joy—the renewed hope of healing, the freshness of an honest lifestyle, and restored relationships with his wife, family, and friends. Yet Mark will tell you that perhaps the greatest blessing of all is that he finally found peace, and he “wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
²⁹

When you trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you are given a new identity. The Bible says you are not just a creation of God, but a child of God. You are “set apart,” you are in His family, you receive a new nature, and you are to reflect His character. What an extraordinary privilege! Because sexual sin doesn’t reflect Christ accurately, you can be assured that He has already provided a way out for you:

“The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:24).

•
Decide
whether you really want to be set free.

– “Am I ready to take responsibility for my addiction?”

– “Am I sick and tired of being in this bondage?”

– “Am I willing to go to war in order to win?”

“Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled”

(1 P
ETER
1:13).

•
Dispel
the myth that you don’t need help.

– “I admit I’m out of control.”

– “I admit my sexual addiction is sin.”

– “I admit I can’t change myself.”

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and
renew a steadfast spirit within me”

(P
SALM
51:10).

•
Deal
with the secret of child abuse. (Some experts say that over 80 percent of addicts were sexually abused and over 90 percent were emotionally abused.
³⁰
)

– Talk with a friend—let go of the secret.