How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country (18 page)

There’s no way to tell how much of an impact Garfield would have made on corruption, because his presidency was cut tragically
short when a writer-turned-preacher-turned-lawyer-turned-lunatic named Charles Guiteau shot him twice in a train station. Guiteau believed that he was personally responsible for Garfield’s presidential victory. Guiteau had, after all, delivered a speech in Garfield’s favor to anyone who would listen (which turned out to be not very many people at all). Never mind the fact that Guiteau had originally written the speech for Grant, and only changed it when Garfield won the Republican nomination. And never mind the fact that the only thing Guiteau “changed” about the speech was the title; originally titled “Grant vs. Hancock,” because Guiteau initially assumed Grant would be running against Democrat Winfield Hancock, Guiteau cleverly changed it to “Garfield vs. Hancock,” though he left the body of the speech untouched. The point is, Guiteau wrote a speech in support of someone, and that was reason enough to convince him that he was instrumental in Garfield’s victory. Guiteau felt that, since he had gotten Garfield his job, it would only be fair of Garfield to return the favor and give Guiteau a job. Specifically, Guiteau thought he was entitled to an ambassadorship to France, and when the job didn’t arrive at his doorstep he felt betrayed. Guiteau maintained that God spoke to him personally and ordered him to shoot Garfield, so Guiteau cornered Garfield when the president was about to board a train and gave him one last chance to appoint Guiteau ambassador to France. When Garfield refused to entertain the delusion, Guiteau shot him twice.

Amazingly, Garfield didn’t die. He was taken to a hospital, with one bullet still lodged in his body that the doctors couldn’t seem to find. In an effort to track the bullet down, doctors utilized a brand-new invention, the metal detector. The doctors would start cutting and digging whenever the device sensed metal. They did this several times, but still they couldn’t find any trace of the bullet, even though they got the distinct impression that metal was present every single time. This was because the bed frame beneath Garfield was made of metal. None of the doctors decided to check that, though. There was no time; they had a president to recklessly carve up and poke and prod using their filthy fucking doctor fingers. One of the doctors
accidentally punctured Garfield’s liver, and another introduced streptococcus into his system, because for a long time “medicine” was just a bunch of guys fucking around. Garfield held out for eighty days before finally dying which,
holy shit
.

This will be a very difficult fight. It took two bullets, streptococcus, and a whole team of the dumbest fucking doctors in history eighty days to take out the Garfield. If you can handle yourself with any degree of grace, you just might be able to win this thing. Garfield was strong, but clumsy and accident-prone. He had a nasty habit of accidentally chopping himself with an ax while doing chores as a child (fuck!), and when he briefly worked aboard a ship, he fell overboard fourteen times in six weeks, a bold move for someone who can’t even swim. Fight him around axes and water and hope his instincts as a clumsy little ass-hat kick in.

I can’t predict the future. So while I’m not saying that several years from now robots will rise up and attempt to overthrow humanity, and that it’ll be up to you to travel through time and assemble a Presidential Attack Squad to defend America, I
am
saying we’d all feel really stupid if at least
one
of us wasn’t prepared for such an event. If you’re ever tasked with organizing the A-team of presidents, this chapter will probably be more helpful than any other chapter in any book, ever.

Whether you’re forming an action squad to defend the planet or just putting together a group of presidents to pull off some kind of elaborate heist, every good team needs Brains, Brawn, a Loose Cannon, a Moral Compass, and a Roosevelt.

You need someone who can make a plan and think quickly on his feet just in case that plan falls apart (which, if you’re planning an
Ocean’s 11
–style heist, it almost certainly will).
Abraham Lincoln
is such a man. If you’re talking about a guy who won’t crumble when the heat’s on and everything’s falling apart, you want the guy who kept a cool head when the country legitimately fell apart. Lincoln didn’t even have any military background when he took office, but as soon as the Civil War broke out, he picked it up
real
quick. He met with generals, he read books on strategy, he talked with his troops and confidently mapped out the North’s strategy for victory, and saw it through.

A good Brains guy sees everything several steps ahead of everyone else, which makes Lincoln, as a man who
saw the future and predicted his own death
, uniquely equipped for the job.

Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt

Every team needs muscle. The A-team needed Mr. T, the Avengers needed the Hulk, and Alvin and the Chipmunks needed Mr. T, on that one episode where Mr. T was a guest star (“The C-Team”). For your Mr. T, you’re going to want someone strong, tough, and crazy. Someone who doesn’t need to be the smartest or the nicest, but someone who knows how to punch until there’s nothing left to punch.

You need
Andrew Jackson
. There’s not much to say about his toughness beyond what’s already been said in his chapter, plus I’m worried that if I type his name one more time, he’ll appear and then I’ll have to fight him and, even though I wrote this book, I am
not
prepared for that.

Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt

Look, there’s no reason to sugarcoat this: every good attack squad needs someone who can do what others can’t do, someone who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He operates in a moral gray area and might not always follow the law to the letter, but he gets shit
done
. For this position, I cannot give
James K. Polk
a higher recommendation. In the 1840s, the “shit that needed to be got done” was
American expansion; we needed to stretch out to the Pacific coast to fulfill our Manifest Destiny. Everyone knew this, but Polk was the one willing to make it happen. Polk addressed Congress and requested permission to declare war against Mexico, claiming that Mexican forces had entered American territory and “shed American blood on American soil.” Congress, obviously, couldn’t say no to that. War was declared, Polk sent out the troops, and before anyone had a chance to investigate, the war was over and California was ours.

Here’s the thing: there’s significant evidence that Mexican forces not only didn’t draw first blood on American soil but that a) they didn’t even invade American territory, and b) they didn’t draw first blood
at all
. A full investigation into the matter never took place, as Polk had riled the American people into such a fury at that point that anyone who tried to challenge him would be deemed unpatriotic.

Did Polk lie our way into this war just to make America stronger and further his agenda? We’ll never know, but probably. Polk is the kind of man who can make these sort of tough, potentially illegal decisions in the interest of serving the greater good. What he does might not be very nice, but he does it well, and you’ll definitely want him on your side.

Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt

Without a strong Moral Compass, your team could fall under the pressure of your Brawn and Loose Cannon. You need someone pure steering the ship, a leader that everyone can get behind. Without Captain America, the Avengers would be consumed by ego and pissing contests. Without Leonardo, the rest of the Ninja Turtles would succumb to a life of attitude and pizza-partying. Without Moe, the rest of the Stooges would be lost in a dark world of violence and drug addiction. Every group needs a guiding beacon to remind everyone that they’re the
good guys
. The obvious choice for your team is
George Washington
, who is already basically Captain America to begin with. Washington is the only president that no other president has dared to criticize or find fault with; he’s the only man who could
rein in the egos and personalities of the rest of the members and keep them in check.

Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt

Without a good Roosevelt, your team might as well just stay home and count their panties, because they’d be as good as dead out in the field. For this position, I recommend
Theodore Roosevelt
.

Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt

Look, I’m not budging on this. If there really
is
a robot uprising, you can bet your stupid ass that the robots built a robo–Theodore Roosevelt (“Theodore Robosevelt”), and if you don’t have the real deal on your side, you won’t stand a chance. Roosevelt embodies every other archetype on this list and you’d be stupid not to have him. I guess you could maybe swap him out for Franklin Roosevelt, who is at an advantage by already being part robot, but if TR’s free, your choice should be pretty clear. All Teddy, all day.