How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country (21 page)

That’s not to say that Harrison’s supreme self-confidence in his badassedness wasn’t
completely
bullshit. In 1862, Harrison raised the 70th Indiana Infantry and served as their colonel in the Civil War. Even though he hadn’t had military experience at the time, the governor of Indiana had to beg him
twice
to become a colonel for the infantry, because he simply radiated the kind of ass-kicking ass-kickery that you look for in a colonel. Harrison eventually accepted his command position and, even though he was a strict disciplinarian (he accepted only the best from himself and therefore wouldn’t tolerate anything less from anyone else), he earned the admiration of the soldiers he commanded with his bravery and courage. While he later admitted to not enjoying the war (he claimed he’d prefer to have breakfast instead of a fight, which, sure, if
those
are your choices, obviously), he was just as thorough and calculating on the battlefield as he was anywhere else, and just as uncompromising.

As president, Harrison embodied the kind of “America as Global Bully” stereotype that other presidents before and since have always tried to downplay. Harrison wanted America to be
bigger
(he added North and South Dakota, Montana, Washington, Idaho, and Wyoming into the Union), he wanted it to be
stronger
(he spent money building up the navy and strengthening our military), and he wanted the rest of the world to recognize and fear the tremendous balls that America swung with such gusto and reckless pride. When Canadian ships started fishing in areas that Harrison believed to belong to America, he had the ships and the crews taken prisoner. When he saw Hawaii, he decided “I want that,” and sent in American troops to overthrow the current Hawaiian Queen in a coup. Remember, Harrison was a man who believed he was right
and
God’s buddy, so if
he wanted your ships or your tropical island paradise, he was going to
take it
.

When Harrison couldn’t get as much done in America as he’d wanted, he turned outward to the rest of the world to leave his mark. Harrison’s intense patriotism (a good quality to have in a president), and his bullish toughness (a
terrifying
one), meant that he would never back down from a fight, especially if it involved another country. During his presidency, two American sailors got into a fight and died in a saloon brawl in Valparaíso, Chile. It wasn’t an act of aggression from Chile as a nation; it was just a saloon fight, and the Chilean minister of foreign affairs assured Harrison that he was handling the situation as he handled every disruption of the law in Chile. Still, Harrison wouldn’t stand for it and told Chile that if they didn’t immediately and publicly apologize and pay some form of restitution for the two deceased sailors,
he would go to war
. The minister eventually apologized and paid $75,000, because the guy who threatens to send his constantly expanding navy to war after the accidental deaths of two men is
not
a man that you try to reason with. Later, the roles were reversed: a number of Italian immigrants were lynched in New Orleans and the leader of Italy similarly demanded an apology. Harrison refused to apologize, accused Italy of overreacting based on absolutely nothing, and threatened
them
with war. No one fucks with America on Harrison’s watch, not even people who aren’t technically trying to fuck with America.

Harrison isn’t just eager to start a fight; he also knows how to win one. Late one night, a deranged man broke through a window into the White House with a belly full of liquor and a strong desire to kill President Harrison (this is the worst kind of drunk to be). Armed with beer muscles that granted him a low tolerance for pain and a ton of general madness, the attacker was able to subdue the
two men
who tried to take him down. Two doormen tried to double-team the invading drunk, but they were simply no match for his passion and whiskey punches. Harrison (who got out of bed and moved to action as soon as he heard a window break), burst into the room where the drunk lunatic was and singlehandedly took him down and
pinned both of his arms at his sides so hard that one of the doormen likened Harrison’s grip to that of a vise. With the man still pinned motionless, Harrison calmly asked the two White House staffers what else he could do for them, and one sheepishly replied that he could maybe cut down one of the window cords and use it to tie the intruder up. Harrison did it quickly and then handed the man over to the police. He didn’t do this as some young spring chicken in the war, but as a crotchety, beardy president in his late fifties.

When you fight Harrison, remember that he, as a deeply religious man, is going to tag-team you with God as his ring mate. If he raises his fists to you, chances are that he believes God has specifically chosen him to do it, in which case,
fuck
, watch out. He stayed in good shape his whole life and has no clear physical weaknesses, so you just have to hold out hope that his pride will get the better of him. Or just grab him by the beard and tug on it. He was the last president to wear a beard; make him regret it.

Remember when we said Buchanan was badass for smoking twenty cigars a day? William “The Major” McKinley smoked cigars too, but he also
straight-up ate them
. There’s only one other person I know of who regularly ate cigars (Apone, from the movie
Aliens
), and he lit giant space monsters on fire for a living.

Is it fair to assume that Apone was based on Big Bill? Historians remain divided, but yes, yes it is fair.

McKinley volunteered for service in the Civil War at eighteen years old. At the time, he was weak and sickly and had no combat or fighting experience, so he was put to work in the commissary. The kitchen might not seem like the most badass place to be in a war, but McKinley made it work; he earned distinction and respect for running right to the frontlines to make sure all of the soldiers had food and water, taking enemy fire the whole time. He regularly
wrote in his diary that he knew he would probably die soon, but he wasn’t nervous or afraid, because he knew he was serving his country (and literally serving his countrymen) and would die doing what he believed in, showing the kind of nobility that would make a
modern
eighteen-year-old shit himself. McKinley was so good at feeding people and not dying that he was quickly promoted several times, eventually earning the rank and nickname “The Major.” His commander, Rutherford B. Hayes, said that McKinley showed “unusual and unsurpassed capacity.” He entered service weak and pale, but he left after four years looking strong, healthy, and confident.

As a man and a president, McKinley never made any decisions without carefully thinking through every issue from every angle. During his presidency, there was a lot of pressure from both his own cabinet and sensationalist journalists like Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst to get America involved in Cuba’s war for independence from Spain. Hearst and Pulitzer worked Americans into a frenzy with their ridiculous and exaggerated tales of Spanish savagery, and it seemed like everyone in the country was begging for war, but McKinley wouldn’t be moved by newspapermen. He had already lived through a war, he’d seen bodies pile up, and he treated military aggression like an absolute last resort. Critics unfairly accused McKinley of suffering from indecision, but really he was just thoughtful. He only got America involved after he’d exhausted every available diplomatic solution, and when he
did
get us involved, he got us
the fuck
involved.

McKinley went from being against the Spanish-American War to being an incredibly competent and decisive wartime commander in chief. He converted a room of the White House into a war room and was directly connected to just about every commander in the field, checking in with soldiers by phone several times a day. His mastery of detail and his military experience made him an incredibly efficient commander; the Spanish-American War ended in just four months, with more American casualties the result of disease than of actual attack. It was an important war, because it established America as a global superpower and it let Americans see Northerners, Southerners,
blacks, and whites all fighting together for a noble cause (something Americans, still dealing with the aftermath of the Civil War, desperately needed to see). America even got control of the Philippines after the war, and
we didn’t even want it
.

Unless you’re a terrible asshole, it’ll be tough to fight McKinley, not just because he’s big and strong and experienced, but because he was a
super
nice and likable guy. He was polite, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, and Democrats and Republicans alike were charmed by him, and he was just the greatest husband ever. McKinley’s devotion to his wife was legendary in DC. As governor of Ohio, McKinley made sure that his office was across the street from his home. This was because, every single day at three o’clock, it was important for him to stop what he was doing, go to his window, and give his wife, Ida, a simple wave (she would stand in the window of their home and wave back). Even though they had breakfast together
every morning, and even though he
also
waved to her from across the street right before he entered his office.