How to Get Ahead in Television (18 page)

STEP 32 – ASK FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT IN PURSUING YOUR CAREER GOALS

B
Y THE TIME
I arrived back in Greenwich, I'd fallen into the depths of depression. My Cornwall fantasy of becoming Oscar-winning-writer-slash-surfer-slash-culinary-maestro Poppy Ravenstone was dissipating before my eyes, and I was the only person to blame for sabotaging it.

As I put my keys in the front door and pushed it ajar, I felt someone pulling it from the other side. The door flew open to reveal Natalie in the hall. She put a finger to her lips and bundled me out into the street.

‘What are you doing?' I hissed.

‘I've been waiting for you to get back. We have to go out.'

Natalie turned and started walking towards the bus stop. I ran to catch up with her.

‘It's eleven o'clock at night. Why are we going out?'

‘Because that dress shop called my sister about your inky episode, and my sister is on the phone to my mother about it. Right now.'

‘Ah,' I said. ‘That's not good.'

‘No. Anyway, it's best we're out of the way. We might have to tell my mum you had a mental breakdown over a guy. We'll say you've got a weird obsession with wedding dresses, which is why you wanted to try some on, then this guy dumped
you and you went nuts. Mum'll feel sorry for you then and smooth things over with the shop. She's good at that kind of thing.'

‘Why do all your plans have to involve me having a mental breakdown?' I sighed.

‘Well, that's the most realistic scenario, isn't it? Our other option is to say that a giant squid attacked you, but how many giant squid attacks have you seen in central London? Not many, Pen, not many.'

‘Why can't we tell your mum the truth, which is that
you
forced me to try on wedding dresses and then
you
forced me to run from the scene of the crime?'

‘We could say that, but it doesn't sound as realistic as you having a mental breakdown.'

We found an open wine bar in Greenwich and ordered a bottle of red wine at the bar.

‘Didn't you say you were having a drink with JR tonight?' Natalie asked.

‘That plan went a bit… Well, disastrously.' I cringed as I remembered the soup-sloshing moment.

‘Tell me.'

Once I had filled Nat in on the evening's events, I felt marginally less horrendous about the whole thing. There was something about Natalie's laugh that I found strangely comforting.

‘You are hopeless, Pen,' Nat cried. ‘I mean, I thought I was a nightmare, but throwing food over someone, that's proper diva behaviour!'

‘I didn't mean for it to be diva-ish,' I said sheepishly. ‘It was just in my hand and… then it wasn't.'

‘No, good on you, everyone needs to be a bit diva-ish occasionally. Sounds like he deserved it.'

‘Anyway, Nat, can we go home now? I've got work tomorrow and I can't be hungover.'

‘Oh, shut up, Pen.'

‘I'll take that as a no then.'

‘Hey, look, those two guys are checking us out.' Nat indicated the other end of the bar with a nod of the head.

‘You think?' I looked over. She was right: two men in suits were definitely eyeing us up. I caught the eye of one of them. He smiled at me, so I quickly looked away.

‘Oh no, please, let's not embark on one of your chat-up games,' I pleaded with Nat. ‘Can't we just have a nice quiet drink and nurse our thoroughly deflated egos in peace?'

‘My
ego is perfectly well inflated, thank you,' Nat said, taking another swig of wine. ‘Right, you're Tabitha, an engineer who designs oil rigs; I'm Evelyn, an air traffic controller with a penchant for life in the fast lane.'

‘Don't do this…' I said through gritted teeth, but I was too late, she was already waving them over.

‘Hi!' Nat said as they eagerly trotted over. ‘You looked like you wanted to buy us another bottle of wine?'

‘Oh yes. Absolutely,' said one of the men. They both looked to be in their mid-thirties.

‘I'm Evelyn, this is Tabitha. She designs oil rigs; she's very interesting.'

‘For real?' said the second guy. He was American.

‘Yup,' I said with a smile. ‘Not the whole rig, of course. Just aspects of it… I'm mainly involved in waterproofing the pipework.'

Natalie loved this game. The aim was to make up an outlandish identity for yourself in front of a stranger, which got more and more ridiculous as the conversation went on. If the stranger queried whether what you were telling him was the truth, you lost the game and owed the other player a drink. I never won.

A second bottle of wine later, Brad, Paul, Evelyn and I were the last people in the bar. We lounged around a table in varying states of sobriety.

‘I know, Brad, that's what I said!' Natalie said, sloshing her drink across the table. ‘Why would they give me a
Grammy? But in some ways, co-ordinating that many planes
is
like the conducting of a winged orchestra.'

‘We really should go home now Na—Evelyn. Remember, I've got to go to work tomorrow,' I said, picking up Natalie's handbag.

‘But you can design your oil rigs from anywhere, can't she, boys?' Nat grinned.

‘Of course she can!' cried Paul.

‘Hey, you're not going anywhere till you give me your number,' said Brad, standing up and getting out his phone.

‘She might give yooou a fake one, so yooou better test it firrrst,' Nat slurred.

‘I won't give you a fake one,' I said.

That is exactly what I had intended to do.

I eventually managed to extract Natalie from her alter ego, Evelyn, and escort her home. It was one-thirty in the morning, and my head was already throbbing from too much red wine.

‘You are such a bad influence,' I chastised Nat as I helped her up the stairs.

‘You forgot alllll about Soupy McSoupfaceeee though, didn't youuu?' she said, drunkenly jabbing my chest with a finger.

She was right. I had.

STEP 33 – FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH THE STATIONERY CUPBOARD

FROM
: POPPY

TO
: JAMES

I am so sorry about last night. I am a soup-throwing idiot. I hate the idea of you being cross with me : ( xxx Dangermouse

FROM
: NATALIE

TO
: POPPY

Tabitha, I feel like death. Why did u make me drink last night!? Good news is, spoke 2 mum, shop got stain out, just want us to pay for dry cleaning (£200). Told Mum u got dumped by a boy and had mini episode, so she's gonna pay it. Maybe cry next time u see her? Nx

T
OMORROW I WAS
being sent to work on location for a few days for the programme
Changing Grooms
. This meant I had one day to try and put right my psychotic stalker behaviour with JR, otherwise I would be fretting about it for the whole trip. Thanks to Natalie's late-night drinking shenanigans, I also had one hell of a hangover to deal with and looked suspiciously like someone who'd only had four hours' sleep.

‘Is JR in yet?' I asked Mel in my best ‘casual enquiry' voice.

‘Nope,' she said. ‘He called in sick. Oh, he did ask me to give you a message though,' said Mel, with an arched eyebrow.

‘Oh yeah? What?' My voice sounded nervous. I couldn't let her see panic; she was like a swarm of wasps – you didn't want to let them know you were scared or they'd go for you… Or was that dogs?

‘Um, let me see if I can remember…'

‘Mel!'

‘Let me think…' Mel tapped her head in an exaggerated ‘thinking' gesture. I clenched my nails into my palms to stop myself from throttling her.

‘It will come back to me.' She was enjoying this far too much. ‘Oh, wait, I remember,' she said. ‘It wasn't a message for you, it was a message for Jude about the edit, and I already gave it to her. Sorry, Poppy, my mistake.' Mel grinned at me like a Cheshire cat, then picked up the ringing phone next to her. ‘Good morning, RealiTV.'

In the post room, David was sitting at Helen's computer wearing a
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
T-shirt.

‘Poppy, have you ever wanted to find out what kind of tool you would be? I've done a survey and apparently I'm a wrench.'

‘I'm good, thanks, David.'

‘Too blokey for you? There's another one here: “What kind of footwear would you be?” I'm going to guess flip flop?'

‘Flip flop? I don't think that's a compliment.'

David looked at me strangely, then appeared to remember something he was supposed to tell me.

‘Oh, by the way, Rhidian has just started an epic stationery cupboard clear-out – do you mind helping him out if I keep control of star command?'

‘Sure.'

There was nowhere I'd less like to spend my morning than cooped up in that tiny cupboard with Rhidian, but I would have to be professional. I had to work with the guy, I couldn't be furious with him for ever. I went to make two cups of tea,
checked my phone for the fiftieth time that day, then shuffled to the small cupboard opposite the lift.

‘Hi,' I said.

‘Hi,' said Rhidian from behind a pile of ring binders.

‘I made tea,' I said, proffering him a cup.

‘Thanks.'

‘So have you got a system for this massive clear-out?' I asked, happy to keep the conversation within the confines of stationery-related topics.

‘Well, I'm a little suspicious about this whole “massive clear-out” job, to be honest, Poppy,' Rhidian said with a smile. ‘Helen emailed me to say that it was imperative I sort out the stationery cupboard this morning, and now you've been sent along to help me. I think those two might be trying to get us to make peace.'

‘Ah, subtle as sledgehammers.'

‘Listen, Poppy, I'm just going to come out and say it.' Rhidian brushed hair out of his eyes and looked down at me earnestly. ‘I couldn't work out why you were so angry with me, so I asked David if he knew why you were so pissed off and he told me what somebody wrote on the chart. That wasn't me, Poppy – I'd never write something like that.'

I looked at my feet awkwardly. ‘Okay… I'm… But you said you'd written up a new joke? You were laughing about it?'

‘I wrote up a point to you for “Excellent Bear Detection”.'

‘Ah, I didn't see that. I guess it must have been Mel who wrote the… the other thing.'

‘Sounds Mel-ish to me.' Rhidian rolled his eyes.

‘Are you guys still…?' I tailed off, fiddling with a pile of Post-it note packets.

‘No, I was never seeing Mel. I don't know where everyone got that idea. We just went for a couple of drinks. She's not my type, Poppy.'

‘Well, it's none of my business.'

I kept looking at my feet and fiddling with the Post-its, strangely unable to look up at Rhidian. I was pleased he wasn't seeing Mel. Obviously not for me, but it raised him in my estimation, plus it explained why Mel had been such a bitch recently – she was feeling rejected too.

‘So are you and Ravenstone…?' Rhidian tailed off.

‘I don't know,' I said, not sure what to say. It felt strange talking to Rhidian about JR. I started busying myself with the Post-it notes again but, glancing up, I saw that Rhidian looked hurt that I'd shut the conversation down.

‘I think I've made a bit of a dick of myself,' I said, sitting down on the floor with a sigh.

‘Why? I'm sure you haven't,' Rhidian said, sinking down next to me.

‘I… I don't know. I don't know what's going on between us. Maybe he saw it as more of a casual thing than I did.'

‘So it's over between you?' Rhidian asked.

‘I don't know. We had plans last night, but he cancelled saying he was ill. I ended up going to his house with soup, trying to make some corny romantic gesture or something.'

‘That's very sweet of you.' Rhidian elbowed me gently in the ribs.

‘Except he wasn't at home. He was in the pub with his friends.'

‘Oh.'

‘Yes, “oh”. Anyway, as if that wasn't bad enough, I then go into the pub and throw soup all over him.' I couldn't help giggling at the recollection.

‘You didn't!'

‘I know. I don't know what I was thinking, I was just so pissed off at him for lying.'

‘I would have loved to see that,' Rhidian laughed. ‘It sounds like he deserved it. He's a bit of a dick, Poppy, everyone says so.'

I bristled at Rhidian's words.

‘He isn't a dick, he's a nice guy.'

‘Well, lying to you about being ill sounds like pretty dickish behaviour to me. I'd never do that.'

Rhidian was looking me straight in the eye now, and the stationery cupboard suddenly felt very enclosed. I got to my feet and turned my back, trying to break whatever it was that had just emerged between us.

‘It was my fault, I overreacted,' I said quietly. ‘JR's been really good to me. He's helping me write up this show idea. I'm lucky to have him as a mentor.'

Rhidian was quiet for a moment, then stood up and started rearranging the printer paper. He let out a deep exhalation of breath.

‘Okay, Poppy, if you say he's a nice guy, he's a nice guy.'

I appreciated the effort he was making to be friendly, and felt bad about being so off with him over the chart business.

‘Thanks, Rhidian.'

I turned to smile at him, trying to show I was grateful to him for playing peacemaker. He was looking straight at me, his sparkling green eyes looking right down into mine. He was so close to me, I could feel the heat radiating from his torso. I couldn't stop my eyes from being drawn to his lips, and this bizarre compulsion to lean forward and kiss him suddenly overcame me.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DID I KEEP HAVING COMPULSIONS TO KISS PEOPLE?

I wasn't interested in Rhidian! My mind flitted back to that amazing kiss with JR, and I blushed at the thought of it. Maybe just looking at a man's lips had made me think of kissing JR? That was probably it.

‘Er, so, um, files. I'll sort the files, shall I?' I said, clapping my hands together.

‘Yes,' said Rhidian, just as Helen poked her nose around the stationery cupboard door.

‘So…' said Helen. ‘How's everything goin' in 'ere?' She looked at us both hopefully. ‘Everythin' all tidy 'n' as it should be?'

‘Yes, Helen, we're fine, thanks. We haven't killed each other,' I said, knowing full well what she meant.

‘Great! Well, keep up t' good work.'

Once Helen had gone, Rhidian asked, ‘So what's this show idea you've been working up with JR? If it isn't top secret…'

‘Not at all. It's called
Bank My Bonus
. It's actually an idea I thought up with Ian—' I stopped mid-sentence, remembering I hadn't yet explained away the whole ‘two-timing Ian' thing. ‘I'm not seeing Ian, by the way…'

‘You don't need to explain anything to me, Poppy,' Rhidian said softly, putting his hands up to stop me.

I quickly moved on from Ian and explained the concept for
Bank My Bonus
. I told Rhidian how JR had encouraged me to write it up and was helping me prepare it for pitching to ITV.

‘It's a great idea, Poppy. God, if you get a commission for the company, you'll win the placement. No doubt about it.'

‘Not when I'm up against The Dog Rescuer,' I said, elbowing him playfully.

‘Brains beats brawn though, doesn't it? I'm just the hired muscle, good at lugging cabers around and fishing dogs from ponds. People like me are two-a-penny.' Rhidian held up his arms in a mock strongman pose.

‘Hardly two-a-penny with these arms,' I laughed, reaching out to squeeze his outstretched bicep. As soon as I touched him I regretted it, immediately becoming acutely aware of the fact that we were standing in a really small space and I was pawing the man's ridiculously firm arm muscles.

‘Ha ha,' I said, quickly letting go of his arm and burying my face in a box of pens. ‘I'm sure you have ideas too, Rhidian. No?'

‘Yeah, I have ideas,' Rhidian said.

‘Oh yeah?'

I hadn't actually thought of Rhidian as the ideas-type.

‘I do a bit of illustrating in my spare time,' he said. ‘I'd like to work in animation eventually.'

I turned to look at Rhidian, genuinely surprised by what he was saying.

‘Really? What kind of stuff?'

‘Well, recently I've been working on a few kids' cartoons, but with an adult twist. So I've got this one idea, “Tipsy and Tim”, about this guy and his drunk girlfriend.'

I laughed. ‘I would love to see your drawings.'

Rhidian hesitated for a moment and then pulled a book out of his bag.

‘I haven't shown these to anyone yet.'

He opened the book. Each page was full of the most detailed, beautiful cartoons, sketched out in pencil, then coloured in a simple two-tone colour scheme. He turned the page to show me the ‘Tipsy and Tim' idea. The drawings looked recognizably child-like, but the details and the colour scheme – just simple black and red – gave the whole effect of something more grown up, like graphic art.

‘Wow, this is amazing,' I said. ‘Where did you learn to do this?'

Rhidian looked embarrassed. ‘I don't know, they're just scribbles. I started doing them at uni, and I… they just got more and more detailed. It's a silly hobby.'

‘Honestly, Rhidian, these are brilliant. You should show these to someone – you're really talented.'

‘I'm glad you like them,' Rhidian said softly, taking the book back before I could see any more.

‘Ooh, do you draw people? Draw me!' I said.

Rhidian raised an eyebrow at me, perplexed by this request, but then wordlessly pulled some printer paper off the shelf behind him and took out a Biro.

‘Okay, but it will be a cartoon version of you, I'm no good at real life.'