How to Get Ahead in Television (25 page)

JR bent down to help me, chuckling. ‘Always an expert at making an exit, hey, Penfold?'

‘DON'T talk to me,' I hissed.

‘Look, job offer's there, Dangermouse. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. It's a very pretty nose…'

I was shaking with rage by the time I got out onto the street. I tried to call Rhidian – I needed a chance to explain – but his phone went straight to answerphone.

‘Rhidian, hi, it's Poppy. Please let me explain. I honestly didn't tell JR much about your idea… I just mentioned that you had this great idea and he should talk to you about it. I am so sorry, I—'

I was cut off by the beeps so called again.

‘Hey, it's me again, sorry, I got cut off by the beeps. They don't give you very much time to leave a message, do they? God, it's like, “Ready, steady, leave a message”.' I laughed
nervously. ‘Look, anyway, as I was saying, you have to let me explain what happened, it looks sooooo much worse than—' The beeps cut me off again, and I am left talking to myself. Damn it. I couldn't leave a third message. I sent him a text, asking him to call.

STEP 41 – TECHNOLOGY IS YOUR FRIEND – KEEP ABREAST OF THE LATEST UPDATES

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

FROM
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: Your iPad

Dear Poppy,

How are you, darling? Not had cause to use your Rapelet yet, I hope, ha ha! (I've managed to get a bulk-order discount from the company, so do let me know if you need more for your media friends?)

Now, in more distressing news, you know you said I could use the old iPad you left at home (the one with the slight crack on the screen)? Well, I've been getting rather into iPading – it's very useful for buying climbing equipment on-the-line. Anyway, the screen occasionally pops up with a ‘synchronizing data' symbol and then, well, Poppy, the strangest photos pop up on my screen! I've had one of you in a wedding dress! (Is there something you are not telling me?) And then several photos of, well, some unnaturally large male genitalia! I didn't want to alarm you, but I've got no idea what is going on. I worry I might have given your iPad a virus or some kind of illness.

Can you tell me what I should do?

Love

Mum

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

FROM
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: FWD: Your iPad.

Nat, see this email from my mum. I left my bloody iPad at home and told her she could use it, and now its syncing all the pictures from my iPhone.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THE AFOREMENTIONED PHOTOS???

I blame you entirely. YOU took that wedding dress photo and YOU made me give my number to that creepy American guy.

Px

PS Sorry to be so miserable last night. Thanks for being a sympathetic ear about all my work dramas.

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: FWD: Your iPad.

Ha ha! Your mum is hilarious. Blame it on the dog. Or admit that you plan to marry a very well-hung man and are currently working on a mood board that you wanted to share with her…

On a more serious note, do NOT stress about Rhidian hating you/JR being a knob head. I hate to see you as down as you were last night – that is not the Popster I know! I am sure you will be able to put it right and everything will be fine : )

Let's have a Nachos Night tonight to cheer you up? I don't have any cheese… or nachos… or sour cream… or guac… So if you could pick some up from Sainsbury's on your way home? That would be amazeballs.

xxN

TO
: <
[email protected]
>

FROM
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: RE: Your iPad.

Mum,

Got your email. I don't know what is going on with the photo syncing? The picture of me in the wedding dress came from a shoot for this TV show I was working on,
Changing Grooms
(the cameramen needed me to try on one of the dresses to check it looked white on camera). Perhaps I emailed it to you by accident when I meant to email it to work.

As for the other pictures, I think the iPad must definitely have a virus. Please turn it off completely and I will ‘de-virus' it when I am next home… Definitely don't use it, otherwise it might explode everywhere. I have some old stuff on there I need, so can't have it exploding.

Love from Poppy

PS And it's ‘online' not ‘on-the-line'!

STEP 42 – FREELANCING CAN BE HARD – LINE UP YOUR NEXT JOB BEFORE THE CURRENT ONE FINISHES

T
HE NEXT AFTERNOON
, Dominic intercepted me in the corridor.

‘Ah, Poppy, there you are. Can I have five minutes?'

‘Sure,' I said.

I followed Dominic through to his ping-pong-table-sized office and took a seat on the little pouffe. I started to have uncomfortable flashbacks about the Guantanamo interview all those months ago.

‘Right, well, I have some good news and some bad news,' Dominic said.

‘Right.' I tugged at my skirt nervously.

‘The good news is that people have been speaking very highly of you, Poppy. I think you've done a great job here over the last few months and, from a personal perspective, I've enjoyed having you on the team. I can see you making a go of it in TV, Poppy – you've got the right attitude. I don't say that about a lot of people.'

‘Thanks, Dominic,' I said, wondering where this was going.

‘James Ravenstone tells me you have a real eye for development, and that you even helped him with aspects of the idea for his new commission?'

‘Something like that.'

‘He's a hard man to please, so you must have done something right. Vanya Bolton is also a fan – she wants to offer you a job on the next series of
Changing Grooms
, starting in April.'

‘Oh, right,' I said, trying to hide my disappointment. ‘Was that the good news?'

‘That's not the only job offer. JR wants to offer you a researcher role on
Banker's Bonus
, starting the week after next. You've just been offered your first researcher job, Poppy – congratulations.' Dominic reached out to shake my hand.

‘What's the bad news?' I said, knowing what was coming next.

‘Well, I'm afraid the bad news is that you didn't win the placement, Poppy.' Dominic shrugged. ‘But that shouldn't matter. The main aim of the scheme is to get work in the industry, and you've already got two job offers, so you should be very happy.'

‘So Rhidian won?' I asked.

‘Yes. I wanted to let you know first, Poppy, so I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself until I can speak to him. He'll get a one-year contract with us as a researcher, but honestly, Poppy, you've got two exceptional producers who want to employ you, and the timeline works to give you eight months of continuous employment – that's incredible. You should be proud of yourself. It was a close call in the placement vote if that makes you feel any better.'

My heart sank. Dominic thought he was giving me good news, but I was devastated. My one opportunity to stay at RealiTV meant working for JR. I couldn't work with him after all that had happened.

‘And, um, in theory, if I didn't want to work on those shows, do you think there would be anything else at RealiTV?' I asked quietly, knowing how ridiculous I sounded.

‘Poppy, why wouldn't you want to work on
Banker's Bonus
? Trust me, this has all worked out perfectly for you. It's rare for me to be telling both placement runners they've got work. You've done well, go celebrate.'

‘But if I didn't…'

‘Well, if you didn't, I guess you could apply for work at other production companies. I'll give you a good reference and I know JR would. But it's always harder to get a job from people who don't know you. You've made a good foundation here, Poppy; I'd hang around if I were you.'

‘Sure, thanks, Dominic. Let me think about it.'

‘So you still officially have two weeks left on the placement. I just wanted to give you advance warning, time to make plans, and speak to JR about when he'd want you to start. Before then, Shannon Long has asked if you and Rhidian could help out on the launch show for
Strictly Come Prancing
next week. They are using a much bigger studio this series, so it will be all hands on deck.'

Though it meant me losing, I guess I was pleased for Rhidian. He'd worked hard and he was a good runner – he deserved to win. As my mind turned to Rhidian, my whole body tensed; he'd looked so hurt and wounded by my breach of his trust. I couldn't get his face out of my head all night. I'd tried to call him back last night, but he'd refused to pick up. I didn't know what else to do. Next week he would have to talk to me – we'd be working together on Shannon's show – but I couldn't wait four whole days to sort this out.

On my way home from work, I aimlessly wandered around Sainsbury's. I needed to pick up some food for Natalie's nacho night. I picked up a brand of crisps we used to eat at uni and a wave of nostalgia hit me. I missed Bristol. This was the first time since leaving that I'd really missed it. At university, all you had to worry about was going to a few lectures and having enough money for drinks at the bar. In London, you had loads to worry about: how you were going to earn money to pay rent, where your next job would come from, whether you were even on the right career path… How you were going to get Rhidian to like you again. That was a
lot
to worry
about. Life was a lot simpler at university – it felt hard to fail. Now, for the first time in my life, I felt as though I was failing at everything.

I stood in front of the cheese fridge contemplating a vast selection of cheese. There was mild, medium, mature and extra-mature cheddar, Monterey Jack, Edam, Gruyère, blue cheese, semi-soft cheese, goats' cheese… I stared at them all, overwhelmed by the sheer range of cheeses on offer.

‘Excuse me,' said a shop assistant, trying to replenish stock.

I was standing with the door ajar, holding a large piece of Gruyère in one hand and three different types of cheddar in the other.

‘What if I don't know?' I said to him wearily. ‘What if I don't know what cheese I want? I mean, I thought I knew, everyone knows it's cheddar, right? Everyone knows cheddar goes with nachos, but what if that's just what people want me to think? What if it's my parents who want me to be cheddar? Maybe it's better to be Edam? I've never even tried melting Edam, maybe it would be nice with nachos. Has anyone ever thought of that?'

I was ranting, starting to sound hysterical. The shop assistant reached out to pick up one of the cheeses I'd dropped on the floor.

‘Are you okay, miss?' He looked concerned.

‘So what if Edam doesn't even taste very nice melted? Huh! So what? At least I tried, at least I tried to make my own cheese choices – I didn't just do what everyone else did! The same old unquestioning cheese policy!'

People in the store were starting to stare at me now.

‘Miss, you need to calm down,' said the man, taking my arm.

‘They're controlling the cheese decisions! I need to be able to make my own cheese choices.' I held the Gruyère and mature cheddar above my head. ‘I LOVE GRUYÈRE! THERE, I'VE SAID IT! THAT'S THE ONE I WANT! But it doesn't love me any more…' I let out a sob.

‘No one's trying to control your cheese-buying decisions,' said the man, looking around in embarrassment.

‘They are! People said: “go to uni, then make your own choices – it will open doors, the world will be your oyster”, but what if it isn't? What if it's all just controlled by the cheese people? What if no one gets to have Gruyère or Edam, everyone just conforms and has cheddar because it's the path of least resistance?'

This is where I started to gesticulate wildly and the cheddar (quite accidentally) flew out of my hand and (quite accidentally) struck the shop assistant in the face.

I stopped talking at that point, and found myself being escorted into a back room by a security man. He loomed over me as I sat in a flimsy chair, surrounded by fruit crates.

‘We have a zero-tolerance policy on violence towards our staff,' he said.

‘I'm so sorry, it was an accident. I… I've had a bad day.' I sniffed.

‘You know, it's company policy for us to call the police now.'

‘Oh, please don't call the police,' I pleaded. ‘I promise, this is not usually the kind of thing I would do. I don't know what came over me… I was just having a weird cheese-themed meltdown; I didn't mean to hit him.'

As a compromise, store security asked me to call someone respectable who would vouch for my sanity and come to collect me. I said I knew a very respectable lawyer.

‘Um, Natalie, I've got myself into a little pickle down at Sainsbury's—'

‘Shoplifting?'

‘No! No, nothing like that, it's all a bit of a misunderstanding, er… Can you come and get me?'

Half an hour later, Natalie was escorting me off the premises and I had been given a store ban (which was actually really inconvenient, as it was the closest place to buy food, apart
from the Quik Food store, and that always smelt really badly of old eggs).

‘What were you thinking?' Natalie asked me on the way home. ‘Attacking a shop assistant?'

‘I didn't “attack” him, as such, I just… I found out I didn't get the placement today and I just had a bit of a moment, that's all.'

I felt like a child who'd been suspended from school (but this was actually worse because I really liked Sainsbury's, whereas I hadn't been so bothered about school).

‘You had a “moment”,' Natalie sighed.

I thought getting arrested in Sainsbury's was exactly the kind of thing Natalie would find hilarious, that we'd be giggling about it all the way home, but for some reason she wasn't laughing.

‘What?' I said, annoyed that she seemed cross with me.

‘What are you doing, Pen? Huh? So you didn't get the job – you'll find another one. So you pissed off Rhidian – you'll win him back. This isn't the Poppy Penfold I know – having breakdowns in Sainsbury's and feeling sorry for herself. You knew you probably weren't going to get that placement, so why are you acting like it's such a big shock?'

I was totally taken aback by this tone from Natalie.

‘Well, it's still disappointing,' I cried. ‘I'm allowed to be disappointed, Nat!'

‘Yes, you're allowed to be disappointed, but then you pick yourself up, you write to more people, and you get yourself another job in this industry you
say
you want to work in. You think I took no for an answer when I got turned down from three law conversion courses? Nothing worth having comes easy, Poppy. You're the only one who can turn this around and I don't recognize this defeatist wet blanket I see in front of me.'

I was quiet for a minute, unsure whether I was upset or offended… Or if she might actually be right.

‘You really think I can turn it around?' I asked hopefully.

‘Of course you can.' Nat gave me a hug. ‘You think I'd be friends with a loseberry who couldn't turn it around? Now come on, where can we get some nachos from? I've had a real hankering ever since I started thinking about them.'