How To Get Your Heart Broken (18 page)

“Then how
come you can’t see the way he feels about you?”

What’s more important, your pride or your
happiness?

I shook the
thought away. I stared at Julian, in disbelief that I’d fallen for the bait.

“I guess we
have an understanding,” I said, deciding to ignore his comment, “Bye Julian.”

“Good
talk,” he nodded, “Though unnecessary, Rachel’s already stopped by.”

I turned
back towards him before he could retreat into his room.

“What? What
did she say?”

“Pretty
much the same thing you did,” he shrugged, closing the door to his lair and
leaving me to ponder that life-altering information on their stairway.

“Are you
okay?” He asked, breaking me out of my trance.

“I’m fine,”
I replied quickly, shaking my head.

Jessie
nodded, taking that as a cue to walk away again.

“Wait,” I
called after him, “Maybe not. If I say I think I’m dying will you talk to me?”

“Are you?”
He asked, a small smile on his face, and I sighed in relief that he was finally
smiling at me again.

I met him
near the bottom of the steps. “Well, don’t sound so hopeful, you’re going to
hurt my feelings,” I said, playfully nudging him after he’d sat down beside me
on the steps.

“Thought
you didn’t have any,” he replied, I could feel his eyes burning holes into my
face, even as I stared down at the brace on my wrist.

“Well, it
will be our secret,” I replied quietly, finally returning his gaze.
 

“You’re
ok?” He asked after a while, his furrowed eyebrows reminding me of the
expression I’d woken up to in the hospital.

“I can’t
believe you still care,” I murmured, making a point to remember this moment as
another instance I could look back on, where I’d know that I’d told him the
truth.

“I always
will,” he said, sounding so certain of it. His tone turned mocking, “And if you
don’t know that by now, you’re definitely not as smart as I gave you credit
for.”

“You’re so
sweet to me,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

I jumped at
his touch; his rough hands were on either side of my face, forcing me to look
at him. He stared as if he were trying to see through me, and I could tell
there was much he wanted to say, but he choose to kiss me instead. I was
frightened by the force, the feeling that his lips were trying to communicate
messages his voice hadn’t found the courage to say. Messages I was trying so
desperately to reject, but I felt being branded into my lips against my will.
I’d never felt this kind of powerless before, and even as I gasped for breath
when he’d finally pulled away, my eyes remained glued to his.

A part of
my brain seem to be screaming the answer to Rachel’s question. ‘
Being happy!
’ It said.
It wasn’t supposed to be a difficult
question, I knew. But I worried I’d gone too far to admit all of the things I’d
been wrong about now. I felt Jessie’s thumb brush my cheek and my thoughts
dissipated momentarily.

With his
forehead still stuck to mine, he smiled, “I’m going to get through to you.” His
eyes were shinning and his voice had all of the determination and optimism I
once thought was found only in children, who had yet to learn the truth about
people and all of their lies.

I was going
to be the one to change that, I would become the weight in his words, the one
that would take away this last bit of innocence he’d held on to. I was sure of
it. And though I knew I’d always be sorry for this, that my guilt would linger
even after I was long gone, I was glad that he would never forget me.

 
And I knew I was the worst person, I wasn’t
surprised by the salty taste in my mouth. My tears were a product of my shame,
but they were also an indication of broken flood gates. My heart had grown
heavier than the rest of me, the burden of all the tears I’d never cried having
weighed it down for so long. But in this seemingly insignificant moment he had
changed me forever, and he made it impossible for me to lie to myself any
longer.

“Jessie,
I…”
 
I
closed my eyes, my panic temporarily quieted as he kissed my cheeks, the tears
disappearing where he did.

“Just the
two people I was looking for!”

I squinted
into the sun, which seemed to be shinning directly onto us from Jessie’s open
front door.

I couldn’t
process anything until he greeted her with an enthusiastic, “Hey Rachel!”

His hands
dropped from my face, and I felt as if I’d just woken up. I remained silent.

“That new
movie is coming out today,
Siamese
Demons,
and I figured you two are just
the people to see it with! Eli and I haven’t gotten out of the house in forever
and… ” their voices faded out, like background noise. I was much too enveloped
in my own thoughts.

Even when
they’d called my name I still felt far away, and I nodded distractedly at
Jessie’s question.

“You sure
she likes scary movies?”

“Yeah, Eli
loves them. I think it’s time to get her off the meds…”

I hurried
out of the house, wondering how I would ever be able to keep it together ever
again. I supposed this was what they meant when they said the truth always
comes out. Why hadn’t they mentioned it was thick and suffocating, even denser
than the lies it had been buried under? I took a deep breath and opened my
eyes, prepared to pay for my sins.

--

I was unpleasantly surprised when Jessie
placed himself beside me on the bench in the furthest corner of the arcade
area, which I’d been convinced was a good hiding place.

“I knew you didn’t like scary movies! You
know it’s not real, right?”

I remained silent. Today had felt like the
longest day of my life. I didn’t even have the energy to answer him.

“I’m kidding,” he said after a while,
playfully nudging me.

His expression changed after he realized I
wasn’t not going to reply the way he wanted me to.

“I wish you’d talk to me. You’ve been
acting strange all day. Am I that bad of a kisser? ” Behind his joke seemed to
be subtle concern, which his eyes gave away. I managed to smile, shaking my
head no at his silly question.

“Well, that’s a relief,” he said, and after
a few minutes of silence, “Wanna play?” he asked, pointing towards the air
hockey table. “C’mon,” he encouraged after seeing my expression.

So I did, and though I could barely find
the strength to walk the two feet to the table, I put all of my energy into the
game because I didn’t know how much time we had left and because I owed him so
much.

Confession

“Do you remember the night we met?” I
asked, thinking out loud.

“Eli,” Rachel sighed, “You’re not old
enough to sit around reminiscing about the good old days. Get a grip.”

“Nothing about those days were good,” I
said mostly too myself.

“You’re taking morbid to a new level.
 
And why are you lying on the floor? Does the
ceiling hold infinite wisdom and the answer to all of your problems?”

I didn’t reply, but I heard her footsteps
approaching. And then the ceiling spun as she lifted me off the living room
floor and sat me up.

“If only,” I sighed, adding, “But I only
have myself to blame.”

“You could blame me,” she said, heading
back towards the kitchen.

“I could,” I agreed. “On second thought;
this is all your fault!” I said teasingly.

“You’re insane,” she said when I began
laughing.

“You never answered my question,” I said,
following her into the kitchen.
 

She looked up at me for only a split
second, and then returned to what she was doing, pushing the loudest option on
the blender like she was trying to drown the whole world out.

Flashbacks. They were becoming a constant
companion.

“Do you remember the night we met?” I
repeated when she stopped.

She sighed, “Elle, this isn’t funny
anymore. Just stop thinking,” she grabbed her shake, throwing the blender into
the sink. “I’m going on a run,” she finished.

“You’re always running,” I mumbled. She
raised a quizzical eyebrow.

It was Landon Shenir’s house. I remember
because he’d smacked my butt in the hallway one day, and I wondered if he only
invited me to his party to get revenge on the way I’d humiliated him
afterwards.

But I went anyway because Lucy and Alexis
wanted to, and because when I’d told them about my theory, Lucy had said, “Get
a grip Eli, you’re starting to sound like my cousin Sammy.”

Cousin Sammy liked to torture frogs he
found in the creek behind Lucy’s house.
 
He scared the crap out of all us, even though he was younger. Lucy swore
he’d tried to drown her once when they were kids.

I’d started only a few weeks before. I
couldn’t really give anyone a reason; it was just a number of little things. It
was no secret that I looked nothing like the girls in the magazines, and I
noticed that I was treated differently by the guys too. The fact that the
clothes my mother bought me were always two sizes too small had gotten me into
the habit of always sucking in and taking very small steps.

 
I
realized that whenever we went shopping, I would stand next to Lauren and hear
old women say something to my mother about what a ‘beautiful child’ she was and
wait for them to say something like that about me. I was too busy trying to
squeeze into size two Levis to accept that my curves were in my genes. My
mother wanted me to look like her. It meant getting rid of half of me. Of
course, I was used to being split in the middle.
 

Later I would be asked “Why?” by so many
people that the word started to lose its meaning. But every time I shrugged, my
brain would flashback to all of these little moments.

It was something someone had said. Landon
left me alone, but one of his friends had felt the need to seek revenge for
him. I didn’t cry, having already bought into the idea that tears were a sign
of weakness. But I needed release. And while some of my classmates chose spiked
punch as the way to find it, I could never find such a loss of control
comforting.

Control. I’d needed control.
 
What I ate was the only thing I could
control, especially in the midst of my parent’s divorce, an unfortunate event
that children often blame themselves for.

At least that was what the therapist had
said. I told her she was a fraud that got paid to tell people what they already
knew.

But that was later. After my parents found
out. After I ended up in the hospital.

Right then I was in the bathroom, searching
for the toothbrush I always carried with me and realizing I’d left my purse in
Lucy’s brother’s car.

I never liked to admit this, because it
made me feel even more like a freak, but I never used my fingers. I couldn’t,
it felt worse. With the toothbrush it felt like part of a daily routine, like
it was ok. Shove my toothbrush down my throat, brush my teeth, apply lip-gloss.
I never looked myself in the mirror when I did it, and using my fingers gave me
an unwanted chance to reflect.

I was searching through the bathroom,
moving the large plastic covers which hid everything that was in the middle of
being remodeled, the very reason I’d picked this bathroom, when I realized I
had only had one choice: look myself in the mirror and face my shame.

I was already crying when I decided to
shove my fingers down my throat. It was in the midst of my lowest point, gaging
over my own fingers, tears and snot dripping all over by face and crouched over
the Shenirs’ brand new sink that a girl, thin and taller than any of the guys
in my class walked in. She had almond shaped eyes and hair that looked like
it’d been cut out of a shampoo commercial and placed on her head. Her clothes
adhered to all of the latest trends, her smooth, dark skin making her appear unique
and exciting.

We stared at each other in silence, me
automatically loathing her because she looked so much like those girls in the
magazines, those girls I envied so much, and her probably feeling sorry for me
and thinking of how unfortunate it would be to be me.

“My mom always says the only people who
skip steps are the ones who don’t believe they’re gonna make it to the top
anyway,” she’d said.

I was deeply offended at the time. I didn’t
understand the relevance of her words, but I felt I was being looked down on,
and there was nothing that made me angrier then pity and ignorance.

Later I would realize how wrong I’d been. I
would learn that if I hadn’t molded her with my own assumptions and ignorance
the moment she’d walked in, I would have been able to see how much we already
had in common, and how similar we would later become once life had taken its
toll on both of us.

But I couldn’t see that, not then. Chocking
on my own spit, I said, “Spare me the inspirational quotes and let me throw up
in peace.”

She said nothing. She stood there and
waited as I tried again, after I’d decided to ignore her. When I began coughing
over the sink, after my second failed attempt she pulled out a toothbrush,
holding it up like she was trying to entice me, “You can take it,” she said,
and I got off the floor, walking over to take it from her without thinking
twice about it. She pulled it away at the last moment, holding it over her head
where there was no hope of me reaching it.

She continued, “But it will never be enough.
You can keep doing this until there’s nothing left in you and you’ll still be
just as miserable.”

“Do you remember saying that?” I asked as
she paused at the door. “You’re the one with infinite wisdom, Rachel. I think
you were really on to something.”

“Well done,” I said absently after she’d
sat in the chair next to me. She placed her elbows on the island, her hands on
either side of her face making her look remarkably like the younger version of
herself, the one I’d met that day.

“Alright, listen closely cause I’m about to
blow your mind,” she said seriously. “All of those things I said, about me and
Jessie and him kissing me, and all of the things I did to stir up drama like
asking both of you guys to the movies and then flirting with him in front of
you and all of that…I did it all for you.”

Her hand was clamped over my mouth before I
got the chance to open it, “Just shut up and listen, ok? It’s a concept you
haven’t quite grasped, I know, but just do it.”

She slowly removed her hand, and then she
continued, “Eli, only one person in this room is an idiot, and it’s not me. I
tried to get you to admit how you felt. I told you if you asked me to back out
I would. I just wanted you to be happy.”

“You have some questionable methods,” I
said after she paused.

“Well I wouldn’t be me otherwise,” she
rolled her eyes.

“Whenever Jessie and I spent time together,
we were talking about you. He never stops talking about you.” I raised an
eyebrow, she sounded annoyed.

“He’s the one that called Ryan after the accident,
because he said that you deserved better than the way he treated you the last
time you saw him. And he went to that guy’s funeral, he even convinced me to go
with him and he said the whole thing was really sad but “better him than you.”
And…and he was there after Jared ditched you. And he says that you’re brave
and… beautiful and everything you’ve ever wanted to be, and everything you’ve
ever wanted to hear from someone that means them. He’s that person for you.”

“Pinch me,” I murmured, everything she’d
said was so unlike of Rachel, I wondered if I was dreaming.

She placed her hands in mine, and trapped
me with an unwavering gaze, “This was never really a competition, Elle. His
heart’s always been yours.”

I was speechless. Devastated. Ashamed. Hopeful.
I wanted everything she said to be true, but even if it was, it wouldn’t be for
much longer.

I’d often felt like Rachel and Jessie were
a team, and they were. But all this time I’d thought they were a team against
me they’d actually always been on my side, even when
I
wasn’t.

While I stared uselessly, Rachel continued.
“You know, I don’t have faith in people because the ones around me have never
given me a reason to. And as cynical and closed up as we both are, the truth is
no one hopes for someone to give them a reason as much as you and I do. And
Jessie is that reason for you. I know how many times you’ve been hurt and how
scary this all is but if I ever found someone with the slightest possibility of
being better than all of the shitty men in our lives, I’d never let them go.”

“I don’t think you can really call yourself
a cynic anymore Rachel,” I smiled. I tried to wrap my head around the
realization that I still had so much to learn about her, though I’d been so
sure that I knew her like the back of my hand.

“Think of me as a hopeful cynic then,” she
smiled.

“I think Ash may be rubbing off on you,” I
replied.

I smiled at her look of disgust, but a
pestering thought filled my head.

“Rachel…” I hesitated, wondering how to
phrase my question, “Do you have feelings for Jessie?” I settled for bluntness.

With a mischievous grin on her face she
said, “What would you do if I did?”

I shrugged, attempting to give her a real
answer, “I don’t know…but it matters to me.”

She smiled, “I guess I can see why you’d
think I do, but I just meant that I think he’s good. But don’t worry Eli,” she
began teasingly, “He never gave me the time of the day. Honestly, it was almost
offensive.”

I laughed, acknowledging that she had every
reason to be vain and knowing it didn’t make it any less annoying.

“It doesn’t really matter,” I said,
immediately sobering.

She seemed to know what I meant, “Look, I
know when we started this we had some really shitty reasons, but what’s
important is the way you feel now. You care about him, don’t you?”

“Of course,” I nodded already knowing where
this was going.

“And you’re sorry for what you did?”

“Every second,” I agreed, thinking of how I
was haunted by the truth of that.

“Well then you’ve learned your lesson,” she
concluded. “There’s no reason for you to tell him.”

“Except that he deserves the truth.” And I
couldn’t contain any more lies, I thought.

I’d finally
stopped obsessing over her question because I’d figured out the answer.

“What’s more important to you? Your pride
or your happiness?”

‘
It doesn’t matter.
’ That was what I’d
realized. I had to give up both, because Jessie deserved the truth. But it was
worth it. It would never make up for what I’d done, but I was willing to give
him all I could.

“Haven’t you ever heard the phrase
ignorance is bliss? You don’t tell the truth to people you love. You’re just
going to hurt him. If you do tell him, it’s because you’re selfish and you’re
just trying to cope with the guilt.”

I laughed humorlessly, knowing that sounded
exactly like something I would expect Rachel to say, “I’ll take the accusation,
and the possibility of their being truth to it. It’s not going to change my
mind though.”

She stared quizzically, “Has it occurred to
you that you’re just trying to hurt him before he hurts you? You assume he’s
never going to talk to you again‒”

“I know he won’t,” I interrupted,
completely sure of this.