How To Get Your Heart Broken (14 page)

“Done,” I said to him,
gripping onto the counter for support,

“You taste it!”

“That’s okay, I’m not
that
drunk,” he smiled, moving closer.
He stood only a few inches away from me, his hands trapping me as they gripped
either side of the counter I was leaning on. “But you were great,” he’d leaned
in to whisper.

The feeling of nausea
came back stronger, I knew what was coming but I did nothing to stop it. He
leaned in and began nibbling on my ear, and I couldn’t help my response even if
I wanted to. He pulled back to kiss me on the lips, and suddenly I was throwing
up all over him, I couldn’t seem to stop, even as he jumped back in disgust.

I felt worse as it
continued. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath and I was thinking of how I
should have been paid for providing entertainment because all of his friends
had gathered around to watch me, and then the room began moving, the lights
grew dimmer, and finally, mercifully, everything went black.
 

The Truth Always Comes Out Eventually

Jessie and I sat by the water, a loaf of bread between
us, a flock of pigeons around us. I tore apart bite sized pieces of bread and
threw them in different directions. Despite my efforts, I failed to keep the
pigeons from fighting with each other.

Jessie was doing the same, but mostly, he was watching
me. I could feel his eyes on me like they were a physical weight. Even though I
was
here,
this moment
felt
like an old photograph. This was tranquility and bliss. This was more
than I’d ever imagined in a way that I’d never imagined it.
 

“Are you happy Elle?” He asked quietly.

“Yes,” I said without a moment’s hesitation. In that
moment, I was convinced I’d reached a level of happiness that no one else in
the Universe had ever come close to.

I blinked. Again.
Again. Again. Then I sat up in alarm. ‘
It
wasn’t real
,’ I told myself. My dream had seemed so real even though none
of it made sense. ‘
Pigeons by the beach?
Unequivocal bliss brought on by feeding pigeons by the beach?’
Call me high
maintenance, but that wasn’t exactly what I wanted out of life.

I took a deep breath
before taking in my surroundings. I found myself greeted by the same asylum
white walls and rhythmic beeping of machines that I was fast becoming
accustomed to.

“You really are
stupid, aren’t you?”

I gasped in shock at
the sound of Jessie’s voice. I could feel the dream and the calm it had brought
dissipating. I did my best to focus on reality. It helped that Jessie remained
quiet.

“Are you okay?” He
asked after an immeasurable silence.

I shrugged back, even
though I was thinking,
‘No, I’m not okay.
Not in any sense of the word.’

“What were you
thinking?”

I lay back down and
stared up at the ceiling, wondering if he really wanted an answer for any of
his questions.

His tone softened as
he tried a different approach, “It gets better you know. My mother‒”

He stopped when Rachel
walked in, she placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned in to whisper; “Why
don’t you take a break?”

He hesitated, and I
quickly looked away when he glanced back at me. “Go, it’s okay,” she continued
soothingly, in a voice more gentle than any I’d ever heard her use before.

‘I guess there are no time-outs for unconscious
opponents,’
I thought bitterly.

“He thinks you’re
suicidal,” she said once he’d left.

I let out a humorless
snort, “There are much easier ways to die.”

“Maybe he doesn’t
think you’re smart enough to figure that out.”

I nodded, “Thanks.”

She shrugged.

“What happened?” I
sighed.

“Well,” she placed her
hands on her hips and gave me the stern look a disapproving mother would give
their daughter, “I thought I taught you better than to mix pain pills and
alcohol.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling
as stupid as Jessie said I was, “I…I didn’t even think about it.” Somehow, I’d
forgotten that I’d taken one of the pills Dr. Nelson had prescribed less than
an hour before heading to Jared’s house. Sadly, I had no explanation for how I
could forget something like that except that I’d had a lot of other things on
my mind.

“So you’re not
suicidal?”

“Funny,” I retorted
sarcastically.

“Can’t blame me for
wondering; first the accident, now this.”

“They were both
accidents,” I glared.
 

“Sure it was,” she
nodded. “I remember the reason you stopped, at the race track. You were
speeding, you almost lost control the way he did and you were going to run into
the wall. And three days after you get out of the hospital, you get in a car
with a guy you don’t even know, without telling anyone where you’re going. You
don’t see anything wrong with any of that? You’re lucky he cared enough to
bring you to the hospital!”

“You’re such a
hypocrite. You spend all your time getting into cars with guys you don’t know!”

“You’re not me! And
besides, I can take care of myself!”

“You think I can’t?”

“Obviously not!”

I was furious, and I
especially resented the fact that I could do nothing but lie there.

“You are seriously the
last person I want to see right now!” I yelled back.

“Well, I’m your ride
home,” she smiled. “Unless you want to go with Jessie.”

“I’ll discharge
myself!” I was still yelling, irrationally hoping to make her angrier.

“You can’t, doctor’s
orders,” she said cheerfully.

“I’m going with
Jessie!” I replied, unwilling to lose.

“Good luck with that,”
she smiled, slamming the door on her way out.

---

“What are you doing
here?” I asked when Jessie finally came back. It was hours later. Rachel had
apparently told him to make me wait. I had a feeling he’d wanted to make me
suffer too, but I didn’t blame him.

“I hate that
question,” he murmured. “Don’t you want a ride home?”

I shook my head,
“That’s not what I meant. I just mean that you don’t have to be here.”

It made everything
worse, the fact that he was here despite everything. Despite our last
conversation. It made me hate myself.

“Do you want me here?”
He asked.

“Yes,” I said quickly.
I gasped. For once I’d told him the truth. I
did
want him here, even though it made everything worse…

“Then I do,” he said
quietly. He gave me a small smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It broke me. I
worried that I’d ruined him.

“I didn’t mean it,” I
exclaimed. I hated myself for being such a mess. I was on the verge of tears
again.

“Didn’t mean what?” He
asked. I could hear the urgency in his voice.

‘I didn’t mean it when I said ‘I can’t’. You
were
wrong.’
I wanted to say. But whatever possessed me to start telling the truth was
gone.

I shook my head.

He tried again, “Didn’t
mean what Elle?”

Again, I shook my
head. “Just take me home. Please?”

He kept staring at me.
His expression was a mixture of anger and disappointment, but if I hadn’t
gotten so good at reading his eyes, I would have never known.

He didn’t push me. Instead,
he wiped a tear from my cheek and sighed, “Okay.”

He never said another
word.

Some Realities are Better than Other Realities

July
12
^nd
, 2015
    
Anniversary
 

My
parents’ wedding anniversary is coming up pretty soon. Nineteen years together.
Sometimes I think they’re crazy. I can’t imagine spending that much time with
someone, happily. I know that I’m usually the sappy romantic, but it really is
hard for me to imagine.

I’m
not certain I could really be happy with one person for that long. But I can’t
help wondering what life would be like with Julian nineteen years from now. I
know that is crazy and weird, and I certainly shouldn’t be thinking like that
about a boy I barely know. What can I say? I’m a dreamer.

I stared wearily at the page. Not that I
wanted Ash to become bitter and distrustful like me, but she was moving much
too fast, even I had become overwhelmed by this whirlwind courtship. I wanted
her to be a little less vulnerable, even if that meant taking on my worst qualities.
I anxiously pondered this as I skimmed through some older entries.

I was currently sitting in her room,
scanning her diary. I really had tried to respect her privacy, but it was out
in the open when I entered her room. I reasoned that it was a sign.

July
5
^th
, 2015
    
Dancing in the
Moonlight

I
wrapped my arms around his neck, closing my eyes as he carried me away. I knew
that I would have to pay for this later, that I would owe Eli an explanation,
but it was worth it. I’d had a bad feeling about this “Girl’s Night” from the
beginning. Rachel and Eli were fighting over Jessie again and I was grateful
that Julian had rescued me, even if it meant we were no longer a secret.

He
put me down after a few minutes of walking, smiled at me for a brief second,
and then began running. I followed without knowing where we were going because
he was Julian and I was Ashton (though to be fair, I knew that he was heading
back towards the general direction of our house, so it wasn’t as if he were
taking me to the woods in the middle of nowhere).

I
wanted to stop and take a break, and to ask him where we were going but by then
we were on the beach and he didn’t stop running until he was waist deep in the
water.

“Julian,
what are you doing?” I asked, slightly out of breath.
 
I was standing on the shore, fleetingly
imagining a scene in which he finally opens up and shares his big secret; that
he is a merman with only limited time on land.

“Why
are you whispering?” He whispered.

“Because
I don’t think we’re supposed to be here.” Or perhaps this would be the part
where we became a shark’s midnight snack. I’d seen too many horror movies that
began like this.

“Do
you do everything you’re supposed to do?” He said loudly, trying to make a
point.

 
“Yes,” I said. It was a good way to avoid
becoming shark bait.

He
smiled, “That’s what I like about you.”

And
then he held his hand out for me, “Come on.”

Maybe
I’d been possessed, or hypnotized, because I walked over and took it with
barely a moment of hesitation.

“Ah!”
I squeaked. “It’s freezing!”

“You
get used to it.”

He
was still holding my hand. When I looked up I was entranced by the way his eyes
shone in the moonlight, maybe he was a werewolf. He couldn’t possibly be the
same species as the teenage boys I’d known.

Just
when I thought he was going to kiss me, he wrapped his other arm around my
waist and started dancing. I could hear the water splashing around us, but no
cheesy romantic music.

I
said something like, “This is weird.”

“Ssssshhhh,”
he whispered, he was breathing right into my ear, and it made me shiver.

“You’re
a really good dancer,” I whispered back after a moment.

“You’re
ruining the moment.”

“Oh,
sorry,” and then I added, “You’re wearing socks; they’re going to be
soaked.”
 

He
pulled away and tilted his head towards me.

“What?”
I asked self-consciously, breaking the trance as I spoke at a normal volume.

He
shook his head and laughed, “Nothing. Let’s go, before we get in trouble.”

His
eyes got really wide when he said the word, “trouble.”

“Are
you making fun of me?” I asked, trailing behind him.

I
took one more glance at the full moon before catching up with him.

Even as I continued flipping through, I
couldn’t help wondering what this entry meant. In Ash’s words, everything
sounded more fantastical than it really was. Julian had not carried her away at
that party; he had practically dragged her out the door. And from the few times
I’d met him, he hadn’t seemed like the sweet, romantic type, so it was hard to
imagine him “dancing in the moonlight.” I kept reading anyway, thinking that
maybe I could ask her later.

July
6
^th
, 2015
  
Can’t Think of Any
Nasty Words That Rhyme With Rachel…

Rachel
and I had a little tiff…and by that I mean that she exercised her talent for
making people feel like they’re less than the gum on her shoe. She made me feel
even worse than I already did for not telling Eli about Julian. As if I didn’t
feel guilty enough.

I
was going to write a poem about her and how much she sucks, but I couldn’t
think of any nasty words to rhyme with Rachel, except for facial.

Rachel
needs a facial.

Sad,
I had real hopes of becoming a poet. I’ve been thinking of novel writing
lately, but that’s a whole other story (ha).

While
I was trying to get away from her and the talk I would eventually have to have
with Eli,
I
found myself on our bench again, staring at the inscription he had made. I was
now part of a declaration in the endless sea of them, and it felt great, like
going back to high school and being part of the in-crowd.
 
I spent hours, staring at that inscription,
waiting for him to show up. Like it tied us in some way, like he would know
when I needed him, through some weird telepathy.

I
was punished for my stupidity because he never showed up. I know it’s
irrational, but I was disappointed. I’d been going to that bench every day
since we’d met, I suppose I thought we had some sort of unspoken agreement.

July 7
^th
, 2015
                 
A Julian-Free Day

I decided not to go to our bench today. It really
bothered me when Julian didn’t show up yesterday, even if I couldn’t logically
expect him to .
It made me think that maybe I
need to slow down because the truth is I’m scared to get my heart broken. So
this was me trying to regain control. This was me having a Julian-free day.

But
here’s the irony; Eli almost got herself killed; “Girls’ night” with Rachel.
When would she realize that these “Girls’ nights” always came to no good?

As
an aside, I have to say that that coffee table you made broke. I remember you
saying how bad things would happen if it broke. I think you had been joking at
the time, that you wanted me to take care of that table because you wanted to
teach me responsibility. I remember that I kept breaking a lot of things in the
house, things that you and Grandma had collected from when you traveled
together, because I was and, am still absurdly clumsy and you were trying to
teach me to be more careful.

I
don’t know if you were serious or not, but it is kind of an odd coincidence,
the table breaking and what happened to Eli. I hope that I didn’t cause her to
get hurt somehow. If there really was something behind that whole warning about
the table I would just like to say that I’m the one that broke it, and I would
love it if any bad luck that is going to result is inflicted on me and not my
friends. I was kinda hoping you could send the message to the necessary
parties.
     

Anyway
back to my Julian-free day. As soon as I found out Eli was hurt he was the
first person I went to. He drove me to the hospital. He was very calm through the
whole thing. I mean, it was sort of a blur but I remember thinking, thank
goodness he was there because if I was the melodramatic one, then he was the
epitome of calm.

I
felt sort of stupid though, because Eli’s my best friend, and instead of trying
to take care of her, I was busy balling my eyes out, so my not-so-boyfriend had
to do it.

I
didn’t even check to see if Rachel was okay. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t too
worried about her, but I didn’t want her to die. Anyway, turns out Rachel
wasn’t even involved in the accident, she was just a witness. Eli is alive and
mostly well. And I don’t think I’ll try to have another Julian-free day for a
while.

‘But
you probably should
,’ I thought. I made a mental note to talk
to Ash at some point, and to tell her in the least offensive way possible that
she had to stop being such a naïve idiot.
 
I hadn’t spent enough time with this Julian to know what he was
thinking, and though he seemed like a nice enough person, I knew from
experience that didn’t mean he’d make a nice boyfriend.
 

I jumped at the sound of someone running up
the stairs. I closed the diary and placed it on the edge of her desk just as
I’d found it. I glided back over to her armchair, placing my ice pack back over
my stomach and turning expectantly towards the door.

“Hey Ash! I’ve been looking for you,” I
said casually as the door opened.

“Oh, hey Eli,” Ash said from behind Julian.
I smiled at him in surprise.

“Oh! I’m gonna let you guys do…whatever you
came here to do,” I said as I rose from the chair.

“No, I was actually
just leaving. I have to go…wax my back,” Julian replied. I snorted. He turned
to leave, and I nearly had a heart attack when he kissed her on the lips and
then smacked her ass, making Ash let out a little yelp.

My mouth hung open as
I watched him go down the stairs. At that moment Ashton could have been
replaced with my grandmother, it felt just as wrong.

“Tell me you’re still
a virgin,” I said in alarm.

“What? Of course I am,
relax mom! Enough about me!” She exclaimed, plopping down on her desk chair.

I eyed her
suspiciously.

“Aren’t you supposed
to do that while you’re lying down?” She asked.

I looked down at the
ice pack and shrugged. “I’m fine. I’m only using this stupid thing cause Rachel
is making me,” I replied distractedly. I focused back on the subject at hand,
“I feel like I haven’t seen much of you lately,” I confessed.

I saw plenty of Rachel
and Jessie. I swear they’d worked out some sort of babysitting schedule for me
because one of them was always around. But Ash had been spending a lot of time
with Julian and I hadn’t seen her for more than a few minutes in too long.

“Yeah, I guess I’ve
been busy,” she agreed.

“Busy with what?” I
questioned, though I already knew the answer. I watched her open a bag of
potato chips and began chewing small pieces as if her life depended on eating
it as slowly as possible.

“You know, if there’s
something you want to know you could just ask me,” she replied.

“How are things with
Julian?” I asked, figuring it was better to hear it straight from the horses’
mouth.

She laughed giddily,
“They’re good.”

I raised an eyebrow.
Ash was usually pretty good at satisfying my curiosity. She didn’t hold
anything back.

“When did you become
such a woman of mystery Ash?”

She shrugged, “I don’t
want to jinx it.”

I pressed my lips
together. ‘
Good thing I read your diary
then,’
I thought.

“Oh!” she exclaimed
suddenly, “By the way, my parents said hi. They’re coming to visit soon!”

“What? They don’t want
to spend their anniversary here!”

She gave me a weird
look, probably wondering how I knew when her parents’ anniversary was. I
wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been reading her diary. I cursed my own
stupidity.
 
Luckily, she didn’t ask any
questions.