How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (23 page)
—Ask, “Would you like to share your feelings with me?”
—Say, “If ever you want to talk, I’m here for you.”
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out”
(P
ROVERBS
20:5).
Don’t say:
“You must eat! Think of all the starving children in Africa.”
Say:
“Even if we’re not hungry, we both need to eat. Just as a car needs gas for energy, we both need food for energy.”
—Take nutritious food to the person’s home.
—Take him or her out to eat or perhaps on a picnic.
—Encourage healthy eating habits (no junk food, minimize sugar). The Bible says we need to have…
“food for the stomach”
(1 C
ORINTHIANS
6:13).
Don’t say:
“You need to quit taking that medicine.”
Say:
“Not all medicines work the same for everyone. I’ll go with you to get a thorough medical evaluation so that the doctor can make sure the medicine is working for you.”
—Talk specifically to a competent doctor who specializes in depression.
—Don’t be afraid to get a second opinion.
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed”
(P
ROVERBS
15:22).
Don’t say:
“You just need to pray more.”
Say:
“I’m praying for you, and I’m going to keep praying.”
—Pray
with
the person, and say you are praying for him or her.
—Ask specifically, “How can I pray for you today?”
“Far be it from me that I should sin against the L
ORD
by failing to pray for you”
(1 S
AMUEL
12:23).
Don’t say:
“You just need to read the Bible more!”
Say:
“There are several passages in the Bible that have given me much hope, and I’ve written them out for you. May I share them with you?”
—Give hope-filled scriptures for the person to read three times a day: upon awakening, midday, and at bedtime (see Psalm 130:5; Jeremiah 29:11).
—Help the person memorize Scripture (see Philippians 4:6-8,13,19).
“They cried to the L
ORD
in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave”
(P
SALM
107:19-20).
Don’t say:
“You need to get involved in a church.”
Say:
“I’m involved in a church where I’ve been learning how meaningful life can be. I would love for you to come with me next Sunday and afterward we can have lunch together.”
—Invite the person to come to church with you.
—Involve the person in a small group Bible study.
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another”
(H
EBREWS
10:25).
Don’t say:
“Snap out of it! Get over it!”
Say:
“I’m going to stick with you, and we’ll get through this together.”
—Admit, “I don’t know everything I wish I knew, but I’m willing to help.”
—State, “If you can’t hold on to God, hold on to me because I’m holding on to God.”
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
H. How You Can Help(P
ROVERBS
18:24).
When you have depressed loved ones in your life, you want to do something that will make a difference. But the question is,
what?
Most important of all,
do not avoid them.
Find ways to show you care— plan a fun activity together, read together, exercise together (walk, jog, swim). Invite them to outside events or even to run errands with you.
Because their tendency is to withdraw from others, help your depressed loved ones get
involved
in activities, and not just as a spectator. Perhaps you could help them find a hobby. Just realize, you may be their only lifeline of hope for staying connected. Do what you wish someone else would do for you if you were the one struggling with depression.
“Do to others as you would have them do to you”
(L
UKE
6:31).
•
Learn all you can about depression—read books, watch videos, attend seminars.
“Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge”
(P
ROVERBS
23:12).
•
If suicide is a concern, ask, “Are you thinking about hurting yourself or taking your life?” Your friend may get mad, but it’s better to have a
mad
friend than a
dead
friend.
“The tongue has the power of life and death”
(P
ROVERBS
18:21).
•
Take all threats of suicide seriously—15 percent of those who are depressed ultimately kill themselves.
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“The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters”
(P
ROVERBS
18:4).
•
Be an accountability partner—“I’m with you in this and I won’t abandon you.”
“If one falls down, his friend can help him up”
(E
CCLESIASTES
4:10).
•
Initiate dialogue regularly—make frequent phone calls and keep intentional contact.
“The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction”
(P
ROVERBS
16:21).
•
Listen and hear your friend’s pain—listening affirms his or her value.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
(J
AMES
1:19).
•
Talk about depression—talking helps remove the stigma of depression.
“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver”
(P
ROVERBS
25:11).
•
Verbally encourage your friend—sincerely and often.
“Encourage one another and build each other up”
(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:11).
•
Realize the power of touch—a hand on the shoulder and appropriate hugs and kisses are powerful affirmations that you care.
“Greet one another with a kiss of love”
(1 P
ETER
5:14).
•
Play inspirational praise music to lift your friend’s spirits—music is therapeutic.
“Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs”
(E
PHESIANS
5:19).
•
Bring laughter into your friend’s life through fun games, outings, cultural activites, movies, and people.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine”
(P
ROVERBS
17:22).
•
Recommend nutritional therapy—for example, vitamins B-6 and E, calcium, magnesium, and folic acid are helpful for combating depression. Ask your doctor and a nutritionist for other suggestions.
“[God made] leaves for healing”
(E
ZEKIEL
47:12).
•
Help your friend set small, daily goals that require minimum effort, and check on his or her progress regularly.
“The desires of the diligent are fully satisfied”
(P
ROVERBS
13:4).
•
Enlist help from other family members and friends—be specific about your concerns.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ”
(G
ALATIANS
6:2).
The Most Miserable Man Living
His was a dominant presence—a somber, statuesque figure—yet clothed from head to toe in sadness and gloom. At the same time, to many thousands, he brought great joy and jubilation. He is believed to be the most beloved politician in American history—heralded as a national hero and credited with uniting a weary, war-torn country.
Through him came freedom from slavery—the hard-fought-for Emancipation Proclamation.
But the sixteenth president of the United States seldom experienced himself the joy that he brought to so many. Instead, Abraham Lincoln’s life was marked by melancholy, darkened by depression.
Like other members of his family, Lincoln struggled with chronic depression. But it was after his great personal loss in 1835 that he emotionally collapsed, some people going so far as to call him crazy.
The untimely death of Anna Rutledge, whom he deeply loved, proved too much to bear. She lost her life most likely to typhoid fever. Afterward came his repeated talk of suicide…his rambling through the woods with a deadly gun in hand…his broken heart and dreams.
But what pushed Abe Lincoln over the edge was the weather at Anna’s funeral. As the day turned gray, cold, and wet, grief-stricken Lincoln couldn’t face the reality of rain falling on her grave. One observer noted, “As to the condition of Lincoln’s mind after the death of Miss R, after that event he seemed quite changed.”
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Lincoln’s second emotional breakdown came in the winter of 1840, triggered by a traumatic trio of circumstances. First, he was physically and emotionally exhausted from long periods of intense work. Second, thoughts of his lost love wrenched his soul—he would never be with the one whom he loved. And third, he found himself in a “stretch of bleak weather” that, like the first emotional collapse, was the domino that caused his world to tumble. Back again was the talk of suicide and speaking openly of the hopelessness in his heart.
Imagine—
this
is the same man who—decade after decade—has inspired countless millions. This is the same man who—during that dreary Illinois winter—feared he couldn’t recover from the depths of his despair. On January 23, 1841, Lincoln wrote these words in a letter to his law partner, John Stuart: “I am now the most miserable man living…to remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better.”
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Unlike Vincent van Gogh, who less and less turned to the Bible for help, Abraham Lincoln more and more opened the Bible for peace. There he not only found solace, but also a sense of purpose. He once wrote about a Bible given to him: “I doubt not that it is really…the best cure for the ‘Blues.’”
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What kind of gift was the Bible to Lincoln? “But for this Book we could not know right from wrong. I believe the Bible is the best gift God has ever given to man.”
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To endure the pangs of depression, Abe Lincoln needed a sense of purpose.
He needed to know the God of hope would use his pain to make a difference.
“I know the plans I have for you,” the Lord says in Jeremiah 29:11, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Lincoln’s life reflects this passage. He acquired a growing understanding of the sovereignty of God, and surrendered to it. His surrender was sweet, because therein he found peace.
His faith refreshed and his hope restored, all was put to the test in the summer of 1863 following the dismal news from the War Department. Things were dark—everywhere.
Elizabeth Keckly, dressmaker for Lincoln’s wife, Mary, recalled watching the president “drag himself into the room”
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where she was fitting the First Lady. “His step was slow and heavy, and his face sad. Like a tired child he threw himself upon a sofa, and shaded his eyes with his hands. He was a complete picture of dejection.”
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But then Lincoln reached over to a stand near the sofa and pulled out a small Bible. Fifteen minutes passed, and the dressmaker observed a noticeable change in expression. “The dejected look was gone, and the countenance was lighted up with new resolution and hope.”
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Curious, she peeked over Lincoln’s shoulder to see what he was reading—the book of Job, equal to none in reconciling human suffering and the sovereignty of God. Lincoln undoubtedly sensed a kinship with Job, a relationship forged through sharing the fiery trials of life.
In addition to his losses in love and losses in war, Lincoln experienced the painful loss of little Eddie, his three-year-old son, to a lengthy illness in 1850. And more so, his wife, known for her violent temper and mood swings—indicative of manic depression—eventually was committed to an insane asylum.
But the book of Job both comforted Lincoln and strengthened him. One of the many biographies on the life of Lincoln observed, “What distinguished Lincoln was his willingness
to cry out to the heavens in pain and despair, and then turn, humbly and determinedly, to the work that lay before him.”
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As was the case with Vincent van Gogh, Lincoln’s life would end from a gunshot wound. But it would not come from his own hand…for unlike the despairing artist, Lincoln’s final days were lived with a sense of divine purpose—
and fulfillment.
It was Good Friday, the morning of April 14, 1865. After putting on his slippers, Lincoln read a few pages of his Bible. His spirit was cheerful. Following a late-morning meeting, Lincoln enjoyed an afternoon carriage ride and then readied himself for a trip to the theater that evening.
His post-dinner plans had been announced in the morning papers…
Three days earlier, handsome young actor John Wilkes Booth had been present at a Lincoln speech in which the president expressed support of the right of African-Americans to vote. Booth recoiled at the prospect and declared, “Now, by God, I’ll put him through. That is the last speech he will ever make.”
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And it was. Lincoln had to be carried out of the theater that evening after he was shot. But the final days of the great president were not characterized by the darkness and gloom that governed so much of his life. Secretary of the Interior James Harlan described it this way:
That indescribable sadness which had previously seemed to be an adamantine element of his very being, had been suddenly exchanged for an equally indescribable expression of serene joy as if conscious that the great purpose of his life had been achieved…
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