How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (61 page)

I have difficulty feeling loved by God.

I have difficulty feeling wanted by God.

I have difficulty thinking God has designed a special plan for me.

I have difficulty believing the promises of God are for me.

If you are struggling spiritually, wondering about the reality and role of God in your life, you need to know that…

“The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

(P
SALM
34:18).

Question:
“How could a loving God allow abuse?”

Answer:
God did not create people to be puppets but to be free agents, able to make their own choices. In granting people that freedom, He knew people would choose to sin against Him and against one another. Make no mistakes, God is not the abuser. He hates the evil of abuse and will one day repay those who do evil.

“I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless”

(I
SAIAH
13:11).

There are many reasons people fail to perceive themselves as having value or worth to God, themselves, or others. Generally, negative self-perceptions develop in people when they are treated in ways that cause them to feel they are not valued by significant people in their lives. Unless these perceptions are changed, they will worsen over time.

Negative perceptions that begin in childhood are difficult to replace with positive perceptions in adulthood. The best time for a person to examine and evaluate his or her self-worth is before self-perceptions become strong and solidified.

As in the case of Dorie, the more she was rejected, the more she rejected herself and those around her. Her greatest need was to have someone accept her and value her as a person. This would help heal her emotional wounds
and cause her to see her significance. That Someone turned out to be the true Healer of the brokenhearted:

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

(P
SALM
147:3).

When Dorie and her sister were left at the orphanage, her mother promised to visit them. And she did—twice over a span of seven years. At the first visit, Dorie, exuding immense excitement, immediately ran to her, calling out, “Mother! Mother!” In her exhilaration, Dorie had forgotten she was to call her mother Laura, never Mother.
²³

Repeating her past pattern, this rejecting parent pushed Dorie aside only to greet her sister with both a hug and a gift. Such harsh, heartless rejection of Dorie continued all throughout her mother’s lifetime.

The roots of rejection are not always easily uncovered, especially when their tentacles reach deep into childhood. Those who are rejected from conception can be affected for the rest of their lives from never feeling loved and accepted, or from never knowing the comfort of a mother’s warm, reassuring embrace or the security of a father’s strong, protecting arms.

When rejection is all you have known, identifying its origins can feel overwhelming and frightening. But if rejection is to be removed from your life, it must be fearlessly faced and dug up by the roots and replaced with the loving acceptance of the Lord.

“This is what the L
ORD
says—he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid”

(I
SAIAH
44:2).

The actions and attitudes of parents toward their children send clear messages to them about their value and worth as human beings. These messages plant themselves deeply in a child’s heart and carry lifelong implications.

Myth:
“I will never overcome my painful past. It’s impossible for me to become whole.”

Truth:
No matter what your past was like or the pain inflicted on you by others, healing and wholeness are possible through Christ.

“With God all things are possible”

(M
ATTHEW
19:26).

In her book
Dorie: The Girl Nobody Loved,
Dorie wrote about monthly visits to the orphanage by couples who wanted to adopt a child:

My dread of those “special days” escalated month by month. No doubt I reflected the rejection I felt. My shoulders drooped with the agony of that lineup. I could not look up with smiling anticipation as the cute children did. I detested being inspected by people I knew would never accept me, so I would hide. I would be dragged into the room with a dirty, tear-stained face.
²⁴

Thankfully, Dorie’s story does not end with her not being chosen…for she
was
chosen by Another—by God Himself: “Has not God chosen those
who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?” (James 2:5).

Those who repeatedly experience significant rejection by others receive the message that they deserve rejection. They then internalize that message and begin to reject themselves. This is especially true when rejection comes from those who are in positions of authority and on whom the child depends.

Such children grow up replaying in their minds the messages of rejection they have received until the voices of others become their
own
voices. Children find it virtually impossible to replace the big, booming voices of adults or parents with their own small, inner voices.

Only the loving, accepting voice of God is powerful enough to override and eventually silence voices with messages of rejection, and thus salvage the self-worth of those who experience rejection as children. Only God can bring them to the point of saying,

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the L
ORD
will receive me”

(P
SALM
27:10).

Have you let negative circumstances shape your thinking and self-perceptions? If so, allow God to search your heart and reveal any perceptions
or messages that are inconsistent with His Word. The more you allow God’s probing light to illumine the faulty thoughts and perceptions in your heart, the more you will be able to see your God-given worth and walk victoriously according to His Word. Let this be your commitment:

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
10:5).

Myth:
“Because of the way I’ve been treated, I will never feel competent.”

Truth:
People fail people, and God never intended for your sense of competence to come from others. As you continue to yield your life to the Lord, your sense of competence will come from Him.

“Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
3:5).

Dorie’s life was a perfect setup for comparing herself to others. Her mother constantly compared Dorie to her sister, Marie, resulting in her little sister receiving lavish affection and gifts and Dorie being pointedly ignored. Dorie’s mother let Dorie know
she did not measure up.

Everywhere Dorie turned, Marie was the favored one. Thus Marie was everything Dorie wanted to be. Both had brown eyes, but Marie’s were beautiful. Both had dark hair, but Marie’s lay in place. Marie’s skin was fairer, her face was thinner. Dorie said,
“
I was looking for a way to be like her, but there was no way.”
²⁵

At the orphanage, in school, and in the various foster homes in which the sisters lived, other children were chosen or received decent treatment while Dorie was rejected and subjected to abuse. Dorie described the couples who came to the orphanage considering which child they would choose—which child they would cherish—as “well-dressed and carefully manicured. We could hear their muffled conversations, ‘She’s cute, isn’t she?’ or, ‘There’s one we might want to talk about.’ My heart beat faster.
Try me,
I screamed within, hoping that someone would look at me and want me. But my day never came. I soon got the message—only cute children are chosen.”
²⁶
Dorie lost out every
time she was compared to the other children. She was never chosen—
ever.
How could she
not
compare herself to others under those circumstances?