How to Kiss a Cowboy (30 page)

It was Dooley who told Suze Brady was back.

The little dog was prone to excitement about everything and everybody, but Brady inspired a special sort of idiocy in the hairy little creature. He raced from the window to the bed, alternating between barking ecstatically and leaping on Suze, licking her face and hands.

“What is it, buddy?”

She couldn't let herself believe it. Brady was busy with his buddy's widow, making an honest woman of her, being a father to her adorable little boys. So why would he be coming to visit
her
?

She steeled herself against his charm and swore to herself she wouldn't believe his lies. But when she saw that familiar truck pull up, her heart kicked in her chest, leaping with the same unfettered joy Dooley displayed and rolling in the knowledge that Brady was here.

She and Dooley were two of a kind. She was loyal as a dog. It was pathetic, really. The only thing in her life that gave her real joy was the man she'd promised herself she'd forget.

A big part of her wished she still believed Brady was hers, and hers alone. That he loved her the way a man should. She'd been through so much the last couple days. Brady would listen to her. He'd help her sort out the truth about her mother. He'd help her figure out how to deal with her father.

Earl. Just Earl. He wasn't her father anymore. He never had been.

Brady would know just what to say, just what to do. He'd make the whole thing seem simple.

But no. She deserved to be loved the way her father had loved her mother. To be loved so much she was forgiven for her flaws and admired for her strengths. Brady wasn't capable of that kind of love.

She headed downstairs to tell him to go away.

When she opened the door, he was standing there with his thumbs in the belt loops of his worn jeans. His shirttail was half-in, half-out, and his old straw Stetson was tilted rakishly over one eyes. She could see the part Dooley had eaten at the back.

“Hey.” His eyes were soft with concern. “I talked to Gwen. She told me you might need to talk. What's going on?”

Darn it. Gwen needed to stop trying to play matchmaker.

“I—it's nothing.” She shrugged one shoulder. “She and Earl sat me down and explained that he's not my real father. Turns out my mom cheated on him and lied about it.” She tilted her chin up. “Gwen probably figured you could tell me something about that.”

“I, um, I don't know.” He looked genuinely confused. “Wow. You must be really upset. Can I come in?”

“No.”

“Oh.” He looked down at his boot tips, then turned and looked over his shoulder, squinting into the far distance as if he expected to be rescued at any moment by Clint Eastwood, riding across the pasture.

He turned his gaze back to her, and she wondered why he had to have such impossibly long eyelashes. Why he had to have brown eyes soft as Bambi's in a face tanned by hours on horseback. Why he had to be so kind and look so damn good.

“So you thought I knew something about your mother? I swear, Suze, I never—”

“Not about my mother,” she said. “About lying and cheating.”

He shook his head. “We're not back to that again, are we?”

“Yeah,” she said. “We are. I went out to the reservation and got the truth. I found out about Teresa. About how you're going to marry her and make an honest woman of her.”

He actually laughed. It was convincing too, the laugh of a man who'd just heard the most ridiculous idea ever. “I'm not going to marry Teresa. Who the hell did you talk to?”

“Never mind.” Belatedly, she realized she didn't want to get the kids in trouble. Brady seemed to be really good with kids, and she doubted he'd take it out on them, but who knew?

“Well, whoever it was is shining you on,” he said. “I help Teresa when I can. Her husband was like a brother to me. Like Ridge and Shane. It would be like me putting the moves on Sierra.”

“I wouldn't be surprised,” Suze said.

She wanted to take the words back as soon as they left her mouth. Brady might have many flaws, but when it came to his brothers, he was loyal as the day was long.

He stepped back as if he'd been slapped. Those brown eyes didn't have a thing in common with Bambi's anymore; they were hard as granite.

Brady had never looked at her like that before—as if she were a stranger. A stranger he didn't even like. She felt her knees buckle, and again wished that she'd never found out the truth.

But this had to be done. She'd do it fast—like pulling off a Band-Aid. She'd gotten through that conversation with Gwen and Earl, so she could get through this.

“Your debt is paid, Brady,” she said. “You don't need to come around here anymore.”

He looked at her a long time with those hard, cold eyes.

“I'm—I'm sorry,” she said.

“Are you?”

She nodded. “It's just—I can't be with a man who lies to me. Who hides the truth. It turns out I've been lied to all my life, and I'm through with that kind of thing. You can't build a relationship on deception. You just can't.”

He nodded. “You're right, I guess. I did my best, Suze. People make mistakes. People lie. Your dad did what he thought was best. Are you going to be able to forgive him?”

She shook her head, staring down at the floor. “I don't know.” She looked up at him. “Did you lie to me, Brady?”

He looked deep into her eyes, and she willed him to say no. Instead, he slowly nodded his head.

“I did. But it's not what you think. I never lied about love.”

He sucked in a deep breath, and his brown eyes met hers. “After the accident, Ridge went over to the rodeo grounds to make sure Speedo was safe. He put him in a stall, because he didn't have a trailer with him.”

She nodded, wondering where this was going. Something cold clutched at her heart. This felt like another truth she didn't want to know.

“I was over at the hospital, trying to get in to see you. I needed to know you were okay.” He turned away from her, leaning his long, lean body against the house, gazing off across the fields. “I should have gone and gotten Speedo. I should have made sure he was safe. You didn't even want to see me, remember?”

She nodded, even though he wasn't looking at her.

“Somebody took him. I looked for him for days. Finally, you got a ransom note.”

She frowned. Was he making this up? Was it some kind of parable?

“I didn't get any note,” she said.

“I know. I found it in your mail, and I took it. I figured out from the note it was Cooter Banks who sent it. He's not exactly a criminal mastermind.”

She stepped out onto the porch, her fists on her hips. “Cooter Banks had Speedo?”

He nodded, his eyes full of sorrow.

“And you didn't tell me?”

“You couldn't have done anything about it. I found him, and he was okay.”

“But you told me he was with Ridge. You told me he was doing fine.”

“I know,” he said. “I lied.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “My father isn't my father. My horse wasn't where I thought he was. You've got another woman's underwear in your truck.”

“I lied to you about Speedo. I'm coming clean on that. But I didn't cheat on you. Teresa set me up.”

“Do I have a big ‘Lie to Me' sign on my forehead or something? Or does everybody just think I'm stupid?”

He sighed. “Maybe everybody's trying to save you from pain.”

“Which pain do you think I need to be saved from? Maybe you think you need to save me from the pain of knowing you cheated on me. How would I know?”

He kicked at a pebble on the step, and it flew off into the yard. “I guess you wouldn't.” His eyes narrowed. “I guess you'd have to trust me.”

“I can't,” she said. “You just proved to me that I can't.”

He shrugged. “Then I guess we're done here.” He started toward his truck, then turned as he opened the door. “You know, Suze, nobody's perfect. People make mistakes. Sometimes you have to trust the people you love to do the right thing.”

“But they never do,” she said. “So how can I trust anyone?”

Brady didn't answer. Instead he climbed into the truck, slammed the door, and drove away in a puff of dust.

Two days later, Suze was relieved to see Sierra pull into the turnaround in the Phoenix House van. A visit from Isaiah was just what she and her dad needed. They'd talked more in the last couple days than they had all year.

Her nights were even more stressful than those long days spent talking about the past. She wasn't in pain anymore. At least, her leg didn't hurt. But her heart did, and she knew most of the wound that made it ache so was self-inflicted. Her regret for the way she'd talked to Brady was so strong she woke from a dream to find herself actually reaching out her arm, trying to claw back the words.

She and Brady were done. That, she could accept. But she wished it had ended differently, and she wished they could still be friends.

Fortunately, she and Earl had decided to continue on as they were. The fact that he wasn't her real father put a new spin on their relationship so far. He'd taken care of her all her life, and she realized she was only just beginning to pay him back. He wasn't the kindest man in the world, or the most softhearted. He'd made a lot of mistakes, but he'd done his best. So Suze would stay, and she'd do her best as well. Maybe, in dealing with Earl, she'd learn to be more loving. More forgiving.

Sierra hopped down from the van's driver's seat, and Isaiah extricated himself from the passenger side. He'd just turned twelve and was reveling in the distinction of being legally allowed to sit in the front seat of the van. He was the oldest boy at Phoenix House, and Suze suspected he'd laid claim to that seat. If another boy turned twelve, he'd have a tough fight taking over.

Isaiah opened the sliding door and two more kids leaped out of the back of the van. They hit the ground running and were halfway to the barn before Suze realized who they were.

It was the little riders from the reservation. Teresa's kids.

“What are
they
doing here?” she asked Sierra. She really needed to learn to think before speaking. She sounded so
mean.
It had only been two days since she'd cut Brady loose and already she sounded like a bitter old woman.

“You know Derek and Sam?” Sierra grinned and Suze couldn't help smiling back. “They're great kids, aren't they? A little high-spirited, but so
happy.
”

Suze nodded. “I only met them once. I just happened to run into them on the reservation. But you know, Brady's dating their mother.”

“He
is
? Oh, Suze, I'm sorry. I thought you and Brady were…” Her words faded away. “Oh no.” She pulled Suze into a hug.

Suze wasn't a hugger, and she usually shied away from touch. But she
needed
this hug, dammit, and Sierra's sympathy felt good. She blinked back her tears—she wouldn't go so far as to cry on Sierra's shoulder—but it felt good to lose herself in a little human warmth.

“Are you guys
done
?” said an annoyed voice.

“Isaiah,” Sierra said. “Why don't you go in and see Earl?”

“I think I'd better stay outside and watch these little Indians,” Isaiah said.

Sierra shot him a stern look.

“Well, they
are
Indians. And they are pretty little.”

“Just be nice,” Sierra said. “Be a big brother to them, okay?”

“Okay.” Isaiah assented as if he were agreeing to a life sentence in Sing Sing. Sierra and Suze smothered their laughter as he literally dragged his feet on the way to the barn.

“How did you end up with them?” Suze asked Sierra. “They're not foster kids.”

“No, but they need a little guidance,” Sierra said. “I thought it would be good for Isaiah to learn to manage them a little. He has such strong leadership skills. I try to find ways to channel that.”

Suze thought Isaiah was just bossy, but Sierra saw the best in everyone.

She and Sierra sat out on the sun porch for a while, Suze in her rocking chair and Sierra in a side chair she'd carried out from the kitchen. Suze made a pitcher of iced tea with some of the mint that grew like weeds around the foundation of the house, and they talked about everything from riding to relationships.

Suze had trouble opening up, even to Sierra, but she did manage to tell her about Earl. Brady, however, was a subject she wanted to avoid.

When the pitcher ran dry, Sierra rose and gathered their glasses.

“I can do that,” said Suze. Her leg hurt, but she wasn't about to force her guest to clean up the dishes.

“No, I'm good.” Sierra headed for the kitchen. “Tell you what, if you'd check on the hooligans out there, I'd be grateful.”

Suze wondered if Sierra was trying to make her feel useful. She was big on that kind of thing.

“See if you can sneak up on them a little,” Sierra said. “I'd love to hear how Isaiah's treating the boys.”

Suze doubted she'd be delivering good news on her return, but she never minded a trip to the barn.

She stopped at the bench outside the barn door. Earl had built it years ago for Ellen, so she could sit outside the barn and watch the sun rise. Suze had sat there so many times, believing she could feel the spirit of her mother as she watched that same scene play out. Leaning her back against the dark red wall of the barn, she let the last remnants of the day's summer heat warm her back and listened to the boys chattering. She could watch them too. The setting sun glowed through the back door of the barn and cast their shadows, elongated into alien forms, on the grass in front of the barn.

The boys were sitting in a row on the hay bales Brady had thrown down a few days ago. Earl hadn't gotten around to stacking them against the wall, so they made a nice conversation pit for the kids.

“They're named Apocalypse and Doom,” one boy was saying. “They're quarter horses, mostly.”

That was a pretty generous description of the ponies she'd seen the boys riding. There might be some quarter horse in them, but they were mostly Shetland pony.

She straightened and leaned toward the barn door when she heard one of the boys mention Brady.

“He's, like, the best rodeo cowboy in the world,” the boy boasted.

Suze couldn't help smiling. Good thing Brady wasn't around to hear this. He'd be unbearable for a week.

“He's teaching us to ride Apocalypse and Doom,” the other boy added. It was hard to tell the two apart until they spoke. Derek had a slightly higher-pitched voice.

“And then he's going to marry our mom and be our dad,” Sam said.

“No way,” Isaiah said.

“Way,” said Derek.

“Yeah
way.
” Sam wasn't about to be left out of this argument. But Suze had heard enough. She rose to leave, but then Isaiah jumped back in the fray and she paused to hear what he'd say.

“That's just a load of crap, 'cause Brady Caine is crazy in love with my lady in there.” His lanky shadow gestured toward the house. “I know, 'cause I take care of her and her dad.” She could picture him defending her, his brows arrowed down fiercely, his lower lip jutting out in a pout. “You better find yourself some other dad, 'cause you're not getting
him
. He's
ours.
”

There was a long silence as the twins digested this new information. Suze was sure they'd have a comeback, and she was right. It just wasn't the one she was expecting.

“Well, then, Chuck Norris is gonna marry our mom and be our dad,” Sam said.

“Yeah!” The smaller boy wriggled with pleasure. “Chuck Norris. He's gonna make an honest woman out of her.”

“Don't say that about your mom,” Isaiah said. “You should never talk about your mom that way. It's disrespectful. I'd never say that about my lady, even though she does the nasty with Brady Caine pretty much every chance she gets.”

“What's the nasty?” Derek asked.

Any other time, Suze would have stuck around to hear Isaiah's answer, but first she needed to digest what Sam had said.

Chuck
Norris
is
gonna
be
our
dad. He's gonna make an honest woman of her.

They were the same words he'd applied to Brady the other day, spoken with the same certainty. But they were a total fantasy.

Brady had been telling the truth.

He'd loved her, truly and deeply. She'd seen it in his eyes. But she just couldn't accept love at face value. She had to dissect it, take it apart, examine it. If it were a sweater, she'd tug at all the threads until it unraveled.

It wasn't that she couldn't believe in Brady, she realized.

It was that she couldn't believe in love.