How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) (14 page)

“Mama, you want more?”

I shook my head no and went back to listening to Mrs. Banks and Mrs. Henderson tell me how a friend of their cousin died because the doctors and nurses didn’t realize he had an infection.
 

“Oh, Pecan, listen to us just going on and on! We’re not trying to scare you or anything.”

“We just want you to be on the lookout for those sorts of things. Lord knows, nobody wants anything bad to happen to Ricky.”

“He such a big strong guy, I bet he just bounces right back.”

They looked to me to say something but the best I could do was kinda smile. I hoped they’d be the last of my neighbors to pop by but they went on for a few minutes more before Nikki came running in the living room all outta breath.

“They fighting!”

“Who fighting?” I suddenly found my voice.

“Mya and Jackie! Jackie said she hope daddy’s dead and Mya hit her!”

I was so embarrassed I couldn’t think straight for a minute. What a mess we were. Mrs. Banks and Mrs. Henderson looked at each other and then at me like they ain’t know whether or not to take it as a joke.
 

“Mama, they fighting real bad!”

“Okay, Nikki. Would y’all please excuse...me? Um...thank you for the meatloaf. It looks real good.” I followed Nikki down the hall before they could say anything. I could hear them mumbling to the door and peeking down the hall after me. It was gonna be all over the neighborhood that I had one crazy daughter, I was sure of it. What I wasn’t too sure of was what Nikki was saying. Sometimes she would exaggerate things.
 

We had what they called an enclosed porch out back that we used to store stuff on. And both of my girls were rolling around, knocking into stuff, pulling hair and screaming, scratching each other. I had never seen them like that. Not so much as a bad word had ever passed between Jackie and Mya.
 

“Stop it! STOP IT!” But they kept right on until I got in the middle of them. Mya was all red and pieces of Jackie’s hair was hanging on one of the nails that wasn’t hammered all the way into the window sill. I couldn’t believe it. “Wh-What’s wrong with you? Both of you!”

“SHE STARTED IT!”

“SHE HIT ME FIRST!”

“SHE MADE ME DO IT!” Mya yelled and I swear I’d never seen her look more like her daddy.

“She can’t make you do nothing. She...she can’t make you hit her. You apologize.”

“But she said—”

“I don’t care what she said! You apologize! I ain’t gonna have you hitting folks! Don’t you ever hit nobody! You hear me, Mya?” I grabbed her by both arms and she went kinda limp but it was too late. I couldn’t stop. “You ain’t gonna turn out to be one of those people! You hear me? I ain’t having it!” Before I knew it I was crying and shaking her. I was trying to parent her. Every mama wants her kids to grow up to be sweet and nice to folks. I was just being a mama. But I ain’t mean to grab her so hard.
 

“Let me go! I want my daddy!” She took off running at the first inch of slack in my grasp.
 

“I’m sorry. Mya? I’m sorry.”
 

I went after her but it was no use. She was faster than me. I got all the way to the front gate but by then she was on the next block. Folks were standing out on their porches, watching me. Their eyes cutting into me, without any mercy whatsoever. I ain’t do that to them, why they had to do it to me?
 

Came back inside to find my girls waiting in the doorway of the kitchen, looking up at me. Those big sad eyes I knew too well.
 

“Want me to go find her?” Nikki volunteered like she was some kind of grownup. “I probably know where she went.”

“I know too, Mama.”

“N’all. Y’all go back and watch TV. Mya come home when she ready.”

The kids sat in front of the TV and I went about getting supper ready. Was nothing anybody could’ve said to make me feel worse than I already did. But I had to believe that my girl would come home to me. She wouldn’t just leave me like that. I cracked an egg on the side of a bowl to add to the cornbread and I ain’t even notice the shells floating around in it until I went to pour it in the pan. I was just trying to parent her. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. She had to know that. I just wanted her to understand it was wrong to hit folks.
 

“The street lights is on. Mama?”

I set the table, put all the food out, and slapped any one of their hands that made a move to touch any of it. “We waiting for your sister. She’ll be back soon.”

“What if she not?” Nikki was a nervous wreck. “Huh? What we gonna do then? What if sh-she get hurt or if somebody kidnap her? Then what? I’m gonna go find her.”

“Nobody is leaving. We will sit and wait. She’ll show up.”

“NO SHE WON’T ‘CAUSE SHE GONNA BE DEAD!”

“Stop it! Ain’t nobody gone die! You scaring your sisters. See.”

Nat was a blubbering mess and Jackie wasn’t too far behind. She tapped me on the arm and said, “I’m sorry, Mama. I ain’t mean to make Mya go away.”

“It ain’t your fault.”

It was Ricky’s fault. He wasn’t even there and he was still messing everything up.

We spent the rest of the night waiting for Mya to show up. Every time the phone rang, me and the kids jumped. The last time it was Clara just calling to check in.
 

“I ain’t mean to...you think she gone ever forgive me?”

“Kids got a way of forgetting what grown folks don’t. She be okay. You’ll be okay. You just gotta go find her.”

“I can’t...”

“Hun, it gotta be done. You can’t leave that chile out in the world by herself. Ricky gonna have a fit.”

I ain’t get around to telling her about Ricky’s fight. Couldn’t deal with that at the same time. All I could see was what was right in front of me. “What if she don’t wanna come with me?” I whispered to keep the idea from hurting too much but when Clara ain’t respond right away felt like somebody took a knife to my heart.

“You gotta go anyway. You hear me, Pecan?”

“Yeah.”

A good mama would never let her chile go like that, so of course Clara believed me, anybody would’ve. Had been a while since I’d told a lie that folks believed and that one was too easy. Because I couldn’t do it. My knees wouldn’t work. My legs...kept me sitting at the kitchen table. Voice in my head kept saying all the things I knew—she could be in trouble, she could be hurt...but I was stuck, chained to the chair. I wasn’t nobody’s hero. Couldn’t even save myself.

“Mama?” Jackie just appeared right in front of me. I ain’t even hear her coming. “Why you crying?”

“Because I’m scared.” I yanked her into my chest, holding her tight. “Promise me you ain’t never gone run off.”

“I promise.”

“You and your sisters all I got. You hear me?”

“Yes, Mama.”

We ate in silence. Everything was cold by then but it ain’t matter. I ain’t taste none of it. Nikki glared at me from her seat at the table like I’d sent away her best friend. And I let her. Wasn’t a thing I could say. Nothing I wanted to say.

Next morning I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach. I ain’t never been that scared before. She wasn’t nothing but eight years old. What did she know about the ways of the world? She couldn’t take care of herself. I had slept in my clothes so I made up my mind to just go find her and be back before the others woke up. I had to build up the courage to put on my shoes so that took a minute but soon as I did I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I ain’t get no farther than the front stoop though. A tiny yelp came outta me and I thought I was gonna explode, I was so happy. She was curled up on the porch swing. She’d come home sometime in the night and was just too proud to ring the bell. Her clothes were all crumpled up and tired looking and she looked up at me like she ain’t have no words. Like she’d gone mute overnight. She was freezing so I went and got some blankets and piled them on us and turned on the TV.

“I’m sorry, baby. Mama ain’t mean to hurt you, okay? I want you to know that. I love you. I love you more than I love me.” I waited for her to say something but that mute look wasn’t going nowhere. She just stared at the TV. I held her tighter, thinking it’d bring us closer together. And she ain’t fight me. She just went limp. “Mya? Ain’t you gone say something, baby?”

“I’m not hurt.”

“Okay.” I checked her arms to be sure and there were no marks on her so I guess I believed her.

Then she said, “I don’t hit people. I don’t, Mama. I just got mad.”

That didn’t make me feel any better. That she got so mad she couldn’t stop herself from attacking her sister. Mya must’ve seen it on my face cause then she said, “If somebody said that to you...said they wanted grandpa to be dead...”

I choked back tears and held her head to my chest. She was right. I would’ve wanted to cause them some serious pain. “But you can’t go fighting with everybody that say something you don’t like.”

“Why not?”

“Because. You just can’t.”

That’s when I made up my mind. For the second time, I made up my mind to leave Ricky no matter what the doctor said about his condition. What he had was contagious like the flu. So, I told the girls we were going to the hospital to visit. I thought that would be easier than telling them to say goodbye to their daddy. I put on one of my favorite skirts and a nice blouse. I ain’t do it for him or nobody really. I did it for me. I wanted to look strong. And I put the girls in their best outfits too so they’d feel the same as me. Mya wanted to wear her play clothes so I had to promise that she would only be in her dress for an hour or two. She made me promise. And I saw her looking at the clock on the way out the door. We were a real sight, though, the five of us. When we got to Ricky’s floor the nurses oooed and ahhed over the girls while I went on ahead. Hoping he’d be in a coma like folks in my stories. I’d tell him it was over and the little machine would whine until somebody came in and said in a sad voice, “He’s gone.” Least that’s what I was hoping. It ain’t go exactly like that.
 

“Pecan!” He pushed himself up and I could see he had all his normal strength. “I was wondering when you was gonna come see me. They ain’t believe I was married.”

I had no words. Just looked at him with my mouth hanging open. Folks had gassed the fight up so much I was expecting...well I wasn’t expecting him to just look normal.

“So. Ain’t you wanna know how I was doing?”
 

I found myself nodding at his question and when he took my hand I let him. Thirty seconds at his bedside and I’d turned into that girl I hated. It was so damn normal that it made me sick.

“I know things ain’t been real good between us. And I’m sorry about that. I been thinking about it, about you and me. About what you said before my fight...you know what I’m talking about?”

I nodded. He couldn’t say it because nurses and patients were walking down the hall behind me. But I knew.
 

“Going through this...thinking you about to die...it changes a man. I got to thinking about all the things I got and how lucky I am. I got you and the girls, a nice house, nice car, got something I’m real good at that makes me some good money. Lots of men would want what I got.”

It was all true so far. In fact, I could think of one man in particular that might want all Ricky had.

“I could’ve been dead.” He said it like he wanted me to be shocked by the words. Watched me so close like he was hoping I might break out into tears any minute. “Pecan, you hear me? I could’ve died but I didn’t. You know why?” I had no freaking clue. “Who would take care of y’all if I wasn’t around?”

“We would’ve managed.”

“How? You ain’t worked a day in your life. And Aunt Clara too old to be trying to send money this way. Don’t you see? I realized something. That I’m here to take care of y’all. Make sure you happy.” He started rubbing my hand real slow like and I ain’t know what else to say. He was ruining my plan.
 

“Ricky I gotta t-t-tell you something.”

“What, baby? What you gotta tell me?” He grinned and dropped his head back on the pillow like he was expecting something good. “Hmm? Go on, I’m listening.”

“I...um...well I think maybe—”

“What? You...you pregnant, ain’t you? That’s it, ain’t it? That why you been pulling away from me? You feeling all delicate.”

“No. Ricky—”

“That ain’t it? You got some other reason?”

“I’m trying to say that um...I think maybe...”

“You think it’s a boy!”

“Ricky, please!” His hands were getting all sweaty so I rubbed mine up against my shirt then folded them under my chest. Shouldn’t of did that because then his eyes went straight there and lit up like a kid in the candy store. “I ain’t pregnant.”

“Yeah you is. I can tell.”

“I ain’t, so stop staring at me.” I could hear the girls’ voices getting closer and I knew I ain’t have much time. I had to tell him before they got there. “I gotta go. I can’t stay. We can’t...”

“Pecan.”

“Hmm?” I couldn’t even look at him.

“What is it? You mad about before?”