How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) (11 page)

“Ricky and me ain’t getting divorced.”

“If he found out about this—”

“If he found out about this he’d just kill me and get it over with.” It came out before I knew what to do with it but Heziah ain’t give my words much thought. He just sorta nodded, rubbing his hands up and down the tops of his thighs. The coffee beans were coming back so I figured it was now or never. So, I kissed him. Until the sound of our lips puckering filled up the room.

“This ain’t you.”

“What you mean?” At first I thought he meant the kissing part. We’d kissed before—quick with more lip than anything and both of us pretending it was an accident, like we’d just missed each other’s cheeks. I had never thought I would’ve just leaned over like I did. And I was starting to feel real raw about it, like I was on Candid Camera or something. “You don’t wanna kiss me?”

“Belinda—”

“You don’t want me at all.”

“I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

“That’s because you ain’t saying nothing! You talking about what’s right and folks getting hurt but you ain’t saying nothing! You can’t just take a girl up to a room a-a-and not want her nowhere near you!”

“You don’t want to do this. A fling...it ain’t...it ain’t you. You’re a good mother, a good person. You don’t want to do this. Belinda? Say something.”

“I ain’t...”

“You ain’t what?”

The yellow and green striped wallpaper curled up around me, laying me down on the bed. Wasn’t the freshest bed I’d ever smelt—its tartness brought tears to my eyes. “You think I’m bigger than I am. I ain’t nobody. Just a girl that married the first guy who asked her.” Feeling Heziah’s breath on my neck, I almost thought he was gone curl up behind me. Maybe even put his arms around me and hold me close. But he didn’t. He just laid there. Close enough that I could hear him breathing but not close enough that he was touching me.

“You are most definitely not nobody. And I can’t have you talking like that in front of me.”

How he could say that and not wanna be with me I ain’t get. Even when I turned around to look in his eyes, I ain’t get it. I ain’t claiming to be no expert on a man’s love but I thought he had some of it for me. Then one by one he whisked each tear away from my cheeks. Telling them they ain’t have no business in my life.
 

“Heziah, my life...it ain’t what you think it is.”

“What do I think it is?”

“Something good. Happy.”

“You seem happy every time I see you.”

“That’s because I am. You make me happy. Ricky...he...he make me wanna die sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and I just think this is it, I can’t take no more.”

“Now wait a minute—”

“I ain’t gonna kill myself or nothing. It’s just what I think sometimes. I ain’t gonna do nothing crazy! Don’t worry.” But even when I poked him in the arm he still looked at me the same way. Worried. “I got four kids! I ain’t going nowhere. I promise.”

“Why would you even think that?”

I shrugged, wishing I could take it back. I’d wanted to tell folks before but wasn’t no reason to tell Heziah. He couldn’t do nothing but make it worse. I knew that long time ago. That’s why I got so good at hiding the bruises. I’d even cancel things with him if it was so bad I couldn’t hide the marks Ricky’s love left behind. I was a hiding fool.

“Belinda, there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re lying to me again.”

“Can you...can you just hold me?”

Heziah was a good man. An honorable man. So, he did as I asked. Let me hide in his chest. Still had on his suit jacket. The polyester rubbed against my cheek in its own scratchy way. Probably trying to keep us apart. It ain’t work because after a while his body gave in to me and my womanness. I could feel it in his touch and in his breath. The air rose humid and sweaty between us and when he kissed me that just made it worse. Felt like I was dancing through a fog on my tippy toes with Heziah leading the way. He moaned and pulled me on top of him.
 

I ain’t never had no loving the way Heziah gave it. Parts of me was thinking wasn’t no honor in it but honor ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I done had honor in my bed. Had it wrapped around my finger. Had it sewn into the length of my skirts. And kept it out front my house for all the world to see. Ain’t none of that stop my man from loving me his way. With blood and guts and fear. Way I see it, honor be just like heaven or Santa. A real nice sounding word that don’t mean a damn thing.
 

But my good honorable man, he did me good. Wound me up. Spun me around. He had me and my womanself. Loving me tight and secure. I ain’t have to think about nothing but him and the feelings between us. The tingles running up and down my spine, promising joy and happiness. Promises I’d long ran out of. Promises that ain’t rightly belong to me, but I took them anyway. Took them from my good honorable man. Because when I looked into his eyes I ain’t see poor Pecan. I was a woman. In all her glory. Squeezing him inside me. Squeezing him tight until I had every last drop of his honor. He ain’t fight me for it. Gave it up willing because I needed it. Gasping at the ceiling, sweat beating off my chest my stuff felt so good, like it should’ve all along. All because of my good...honorable...man.

Took my time putting my clothes back on. My stockings had a new run that must have happened when things got started. I rolled up one leg nice then sighed as the afternoon peeked through the blinds. We left the motel not long after. Heziah had to be at the carpet store by four for the last shift. I stood out on the concrete slab in front of the door watching as he looked for his wallet. Under the bed...on the dresser...the thing had just up and disappeared. The number six bus was making its way around the corner about twenty feet from the bus stop. If I ran I could’ve made it.

“Found it. Whew, that would’ve been...bad. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just missed my bus.”

“I’ll give you a ride.”
 

He said it like it was no big deal, like he ain’t know what it would mean. Even I wasn’t that outta it. Ricky and me was pretty well known in our neighborhood. Black folks had a way of lifting folks up higher than they need to be. Wasn’t nothing really special about us but they ain’t wanna see that. They just saw the big house and Ricky on the TV every now and then. All I needed was my neighbors seeing some man drive me home. It would’ve got back to Ricky in no time.

“I’ll wait for the next one.”

“I’ll wait with you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’m not gonna just leave you sitting on the corner in front of this motel. We’ll wait together.” He sat down at the bus stop first and moved to an angle so he could see me real good. “We okay? I mean this was a big step...right?”

“Yeah. I guess.”
 

He nodded but I could see he was disappointed. “I um...I’m a little older than you. You might have noticed. Probably not what you’re used to.”

Cars whizzed by, screeching to a stop at the light but I ain’t even notice. It was true, Heziah was more than a few years older than me. And fifty pounds lighter than Ricky. Wasn’t nobody in the whole state that would’ve paid to see that fight.
 

“You probably used to...”

“I only been with one other man before.” He nodded. The disappointment hanging so heavy off the tip of his nose that he couldn’t hold his head up. I ain’t never seen no weakness in him until then. My Heziah was worried about how he’d compare. “Heziah?”

“Hmm?”

“You know the girls...they be asking about you. Asking what you’d think or say about something. Wanting to know where you is...they love you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And...um...”

“Yeah?” He looked at me, already smiling.

“And me too.”

He liked that. After I said that he pulled me close so both his hands were on me. Not in a sleazy way just more in a protective way. Like he was wrapping plastic wrap around me to keep me from spoiling. At least that’s what it was at first. After a while his right hand got a little antsy and started rubbing my knee. My dress was making whosh-whosh noises against my stockings. I waited with my eyes closed for the kiss I knew was coming. Slow and dark like my favorite kinda chocolate. And then came this tingling feeling between my legs. I squeezed them together real tight and tried to hold on to it. I was so feeling that feeling that I ain’t hear the car screech to a stop. I ain’t hear the ones behind it blowing they horns. And I ain’t hear the car window being rolled down.

“PECAN!”

Heziah snapped outta it before I did. I ain’t wanna look. I ain’t wanna know. I just wanted to keep right on kissing him.

“Belinda...”

“Pecan, girl, I know you hear me!” Helen was leaning all the way over to the passenger side. She wasn’t more than five feet away from the curb.
 

“You know her?”

I did. Unfortunately, I did. Helen unlocked the passenger door and I got in. Her mouth dropped open like she had never seen me before then. I could tell even though I ain’t see it. I was too busy looking at Heziah. I ain’t get to say goodbye like I really wanted because the light changed and off we went. “Well? Ain’t you got something to say to me?”

“Take me home?”

“Uhh yeah?” Helen could barely keep her eyes on the road; she kept studying me. “You wanna go home, huh? Sure you don’t wanna stop by another part-time lover’s house? Get a little extra loving?”

“He just a friend.”

“Girrl, how you gonna pull that with me? That man was all over you. Hell, he had him some pecan pie, didn’t he?”

“No.”

“Look at you! You look like you in a damn daze!”

“No, I don’t.”

“You betta wipe that look off your face before Ricky catch wind of it. And you can’t be sitting out on the street kissing the man neither. What if I was somebody else? Pecan, you listening to me?”

I was and I wasn’t. I heard the words but they weren’t making sense to me. I could still smell him all around me. He smelt like sweet sunshine. “He’s just a friend.”

“And where this friend come from?”

“Dancing.”

“You went dancing with him? You trying to let the whole world know?”

“No. I went dancing with you. And Paula.” It took her a while to remember that night. It had been about two years. If it wasn’t for me having such a good time I wouldn’t have remembered it either.

“You been seeing him all this time? And you ain’t tell me?” She slammed on the brakes for a yellow light. She was more mad about the second part than anything. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” And I was. The light changed and we got moving again. Helen relaxed and I came down off my Heziah-high. “I think I ain’t wanna believe it. But he’s real nice.”

“Mmhmm.” She steered us through a turn.

“He works at a carpet store on State Street. He’s a salesman. He reads a lot and he’s got two kids but he’s divorced...Don’t be mad at me, okay?”

She took a deep breath and tapped her fingers along the steering wheel. “Well does he make you happy? I mean...really happy?”

“Yeah.”

We kept still the rest of the ride. Still all the way to my house. Nikki saw us park and lifted Nat out of my rose garden like I wouldn’t notice the dirt stains on my toddler’s knees. Nikki was the oldest but the younger ones had more of their own opinions about things. Nikki was the easy-going one. Not really knowing what to do with herself if they weren’t with her. It bothered me more than it bothered her I think.

Helen sighed and turned around in her seat, just looking at me. “Alright, Pecan. I ain’t gonna say anything.”

“I know, because you my friend.”

“Mmhmm. Just don’t do nothing stupid. Ricky ain’t the type to be nobody’s cuckold.”

I ain’t need her to tell me that. I got out the car and met the girls in the front yard. Mya was lodged on her favorite branch in the big tree in our front yard. So, I ain’t see her right away. One of her legs swung free and she looked me right in the eye and waved. “Hi, Mama!” Her ponytails waved with her. At times she had more hair than I knew what to do with. It grew faster than I could keep it braided.
 

“Come down from there! And be careful!”

Last thing I needed was her to fall and break something. But she just kept right on smiling that bright kinda smile that looked like it ain’t belong to her face. It wasn’t her fault really. She couldn’t help who she looked like. If I ain’t know her I’d probably think she was more like her daddy than she was. It was mostly the outside stuff they had in common. She was real quiet on the inside, peaceful like. Maybe she was more like me than I wanted to see. Maybe that’s what kept us from being real close. I ain’t want no more of me to rub off on her.
 

“Mya, I mean it.”

“Okay...” She wasn’t happy about it.

Seemed like it took forever for her to reach the ground but once she made it in one piece I realized I could breathe again. “How many times I gotta tell you to stay outta the trees!”

“I’m careful.”