How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) (30 page)

“Belinda? Do you understand how talk therapy works? You have to say something to me in order for me to help you.”

“Where my girls?”

“They’re safe. This is a time for you to concentrate on yourself.”

What was I supposed to say to that? Mamas don’t get to think too hard on themselves. Everything they got goes to their kids, if they love them that is.

“Belinda, what are you thinking about right now?” She hugged the manila file to her chest and pushed the box of tissues closer to me. “You can tell me.”

The box of Kleenex was just going to sit there because I wasn’t touching it. And I wasn’t crying, at least I ain’t mean to. I loved my girls. I’d have done anything for them but I ain’t tell the good doctor that. Figured she wouldn’t have believed me no way. She looked at me just like that gray woman from social services did. Thinking she was better than me, that she could’ve done better with my life than I had. So, I kept quiet. Then she told me.

“Belinda, I really would like to help you. We’re all here to help you. I understand it’s hard for you to believe that after all you’ve been through but the sooner you trust me the sooner you can go back to your life. To your girls.”

They were probably missing me real good by then. I missed them so much they took over all my thoughts. Ain’t matter if I was awake or asleep, they were always with me. Saw them the same every time. Just like the last time I’d seen them. Worrying about me.

“Belinda?”

“They ain’t with Ricky, right?”

“No. They are not.”

Wasn’t so much what she said but how she said it. Her short round nose buried in her folder even though she wasn’t really reading anything. Just hiding. Hiding the truth from me.

“Where are they?”

“Let’s try to concentrate on you.”

I ain’t wanna concentrate on me. Last thing I wanted to think about was me. I ain’t matter. My life was already what it was. My girls were a different story. They could’ve done things I hadn’t even dreamed of. What I wanna talk about me for when I could be talking about them?

“Belinda. I need you to focus for a minute. Focus on me. Alright? Are you focusing?”

“I see you.”

She sighed a hard sigh and leaned back against her chair. “Why did you ask me if they were with their father? Does that worry you? That they will someday end up with their father?”

“It’d worry anybody with half a brain.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Because he ain’t right.”

“And what does that mean to you?” she asked, scribbling something down in the pages of her folder. “Not being...right?”

“Mean he don’t do right.”

“Can you give me an example?”

I could’ve given her a million examples but I started with just one. Figured that was enough. That I’d start with the worst thing he’d ever done and she wouldn’t need to hear no more. Halfway through it I realized it wasn’t the worst thing he’d done. It was probably in the top five but not the worst. So, I had to start all over. Kept happening like that. Everything I thought of was the worst thing until I remembered something else. Took me a while to get around to my fall and everything that happened after that. And then him showing up at my job.
 

“Would you like to speak to the police about it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“If you do, it could be very cathartic.” She sighed and uncrossed then re-crossed her legs. “But you have to be prepared for what might happen afterwards. From what you say, I doubt Ricky is the type to confess. It’ll be your word against his.”

“I’m not ready for all that.”

She nodded and made a little note. Everything I said ended up on her papers I was sure but I did feel a little better after I said it. Not right away after but a few days later...maybe a week. She said we were making real progress and that’s why she wanted to keep me longer. That I could finally be free of all the stuff I’d been carrying around. Said I could stay and work on myself or I could go back. So, it was my choice. I chose to stay. Stayed where I ain’t have to worry about Ricky sneaking up on me. There were bars and gates and doors he ain’t have the key to. And there was sleep. I got to sleep. No more dreams about Ricky.
 

Me and the doctor talked about all sorts a things. About me and my daddy. About Aunt Clara, Ricky, and the girls. After a while, she liked my talk about the girls. Always made us smile and laugh. I thought maybe I should go back home to see about them but she shook her head, said they were fine and I should just focus on me. Wasn’t no other time in my life it seemed like I just focused on me. But the doctor said I had to, said it’d be good for me and the girls.

Then one day all the pills stopped. I got in line like everybody else waiting for my little cup but the nurse shook her head and waved me off to the side. Said the doctor wanted to talk to me about it. I was in trouble. Ain’t know what I did to be in trouble. I talked when she wanted me to. Swallowed what the white women gave me. I ain’t cause no problems with the other patients. Most of the time I just kept to myself. So, just sitting there on her little couch, waiting for her to tell me what I’d done, it got me all rattled.
 

“Well. Belinda. How are you feeling?”

“They won’t give me my pills.”

She nodded and pulled a chair around so we were nearer to each other. “I asked them not to. We did some tests on you. Do you know what we found?”

“That I’m crazy?”

“No. No. That you’re pregnant. Did you know that?”

“No.”

“Would you like to have this baby?”

I ain’t have one solid answer to that question. I hated Ricky, hated every part of him so I had to hate the baby. But I couldn’t keep on hating me. That was the thing the doctor wanted me to see. That I had to love me before anybody else could. And it was my baby. Just like my girls were mine.

“How do you feel about going home, now?”

“So, I can see my girls?”

“So...so that you can resume your life, yes. I’m going to ask that you come to see me once a week. Do you think you could manage that?”

“Yeah, I can do it.”

“Good. And after you have the baby we’ll talk about anti-depressants. Now.” Her chest got all pumped up, arms stretched out in front of her so her hands rested against her knees. She ain’t wear regular stockings like most women I knew. She had the kind that looked like they’d stand up to damn near anything. The kind that ain’t never rip or run. “I need to discuss something serious with you. Belinda? Are you listening?”

“About the...the baby? I’ll have it, Doc. It ain’t its fault.”

“I’m glad to hear you so confident.” She nodded and gave me a little fake smile. “But that isn’t what I want to talk to you about. I want you to know that...we, as adults—as parents, we all do the best we can. And the work we’ve done here was necessary for you and for your kids—your girls.”

“Right. So, I can be a good mama.”

“Exactly. Exactly. Now, since you’ve been here with us the girls had to go somewhere...”

“They probably staying with my neighbor. Anise. Or my friend Helen or maybe Paula.”

“Yes, well. Things didn’t exactly go that way. The court decided not to give custody—temporary or otherwise—to your husband, so DCFS was asked to come in—”

“But my friends—”

“They’re not family. Are they?”

Why was she saying that? Looking at me like that? Like I should’ve known...I ain’t know. I ain’t know how folks could send me off and then do something with my kids without even telling me.

“Belinda. It’s very important that you stay calm now. Do you hear me? Stay calm.”

“Where are they? My girls. Where are they?”

“They were placed in temporary homes.”

“Who homes? I...don’t get it.”

“When you were admitted you didn’t list anyone as an emergency contact. No family. Right?”

“I don’t know...just say it, say what you saying!”

“The girls were put into foster homes. Two. Two foster homes. The state had to be sure that they were safe and I asked them not to notify you. I thought that it would be detrimental to your progress if you knew about this before you were ready.”

“Y’all put my babies with strangers?”

“Belinda—”

“I wanna go. I wanna go home now!”

She nodded again, this time to make sure I knew I was heard but it ain’t matter. The walls were closing in around me and next thing I knew I was on the floor and she was poking and prodding me and yelling for somebody. They called it a lapse because I went back to not talking. Then I was talking too much, she said. That I wasn’t making sense. Made perfect sense to me. They’d stolen my babies. And I’d left them alone in the world. Was both. Ain’t have to be one or the other, it was both.

Was another month before they thought I was ready to go home. They gave me back my clothes but wasn’t much I could do with my hair seeing as they wouldn’t let me have a hot comb. The doctor made sure I had the number to call and told me to use all the stuff we’d been practicing if I found myself getting worked up. To just breathe and count to ten. That I had to protect myself. Stand up for myself. And ask for help from folks that really cared about me.

Was about two in the afternoon when I got back to my house and folks were out tending to they lawns. A few of them looked up to see me but it ain’t bother me none. The letter was tacked to my front door. Rustling in the Chicago winds. The official government seal and three lines of typed words. Said DCFS had taken my girls. I was prepared for it. I knew it beforehand. I did. Guess that’s why I ain’t expect my whole life to cave in at that moment. But it did.
 

Ain’t matter about all the work I’d done making myself better. My phone wasn’t working. Light switches just flipped up and down without even the slightest effect. Everything was where I left it but there was this stillness in my house. No fun and games, just toys abandoned on the floor. Nobody’d been there in two months. Thanks to Ricky.

I thought about all the nights I’d slept right next to Ricky. Had him snoring up against me. I could’ve killed him. Would’ve been like putting a mad dog out its misery.

W
ASN
’
T
SURE
I
COULD
just come back after being gone for two months but I walked on in there because I needed the money. I wasn’t there for no other reason, just the money. Meant to tell him that too. I would have if he’d been in his office but he wasn’t. His secretary ran in after me, trying to stop me but it was too late, I’d already seen it. The boy. He had sandy blonde hair and eyes that changed color in the light, just like his daddy. His pale legs hung over the arms of the chair like it was just for him.

“Mr. Bryer got a meeting. He-He ain’t here,” she explained even though I could see that with my own eyes.

“I’ll wait.”

“You can wait out here.”

The boy was about the same age as my Nikki. Only she knew better than to sit on furniture like that. And she wouldn’t have been shooting little pieces of paper through a straw up at the ceiling like he was. Boy was surely bored out his mind. Should’ve had himself in school, I sat outside the office thinking. Thinking about what it must be like to be one of his boys. All the things they probably ain’t have to think about or worry about. Probably had tons of friends and a mama that was never stressed about a thing. That was why he could just lie across furniture, making a mess without a care in the world. Mr. Bryer must have been so proud. He showed up about ten minutes later. His suit jacket making wind behind him as he flew down the hall past his secretaries. Stopped dead when he saw me.

“Belinda?”

“Yeah...” I hadn’t managed to get my nerves under control but I could stand alright. “I was hoping we could talk. About my job.”

He swallowed hard and heavy, looking over his shoulder at the whispering witches. They ain’t have to try too hard to hear every word but he wasn’t about to take me in his office. I could see it all over his face. The guilt. It had him all boxed in so he couldn’t do nothing. Felt a little sorry for the man right then.

“I wanna come back to work. I expect you and everybody done heard I was...I was in a hospital for a while but I’m back now.”

“I had to promote someone to take your place.”

“Okay. That’s fine. I’ll do anything. Not anything—I just mean...”

“I know what you mean. Wait here.”
 

So I did. Stood in the same spot, looking at the witches with their wandering eyes watch me while he went into his office. Wasn’t much of a conversation between the boy and his father and a few seconds later the boy breezed by me toward the vending machines with a fistful of money.

“Come in, Belinda. Have a seat.”

I’d heard those words a million times before so I knew what they meant. “I’ll stand.”

“Very well.” He sighed, walking around me to close the door.

“Leave it? I just...leave it, alright? I just wanna know about my job.” He closed the door anyway. “I need this job. I gotta make money so I can take care of my girls.”