How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) (32 page)

“Belinda? I’m so sorry if I…”

But it wasn’t him. Wasn’t his fault. What happened to me wasn’t Heziah Jenkins. It was cowardice. It was failure. It was me being trapped by fear. Being threatened and beat. Thrown against walls and down stairs. It was me becoming a mama when I wasn’t even a woman yet. It was the kind of love that left me battered and bruised. And raped. It went by the name of Ricky Morrow.

But I couldn’t say all that to Heziah, not to my honorable man.

“It wasn’t you.”

“It was Ricky, wasn’t it? What happened? What’d he do?”

I laid the mop to rest in the corner and left the kitchen behind. Just couldn’t stay in the same place any more. I had to move. He trailed behind me to the dining room, watching as I double checked the windows. Then on over to the living room where he got a good look at the TV that was still broken. I hadn’t had a chance to replace any of the furniture so wasn’t any point to staying in there too long. Ended up on the front porch. Was the only place in my house that didn’t feel like it was trying to smother me.

“He hurt you. Didn’t he?”

He’d never done anything else.

Heziah sighed and pushed against the porch with all his might, dropping his head between his arms. Then moaned real loud as he pushed himself up to an upright position. He hesitated for a split second then wrapped his arms around me, breathing calm into my ear while his fingers ran through my hair. He said I didn’t have to say it if I didn’t want to. That he was sorry he didn’t see it. Sorry that he wasn’t there to stop it. He went on to say he never not wanted me. That he’d always loved me, even when we were apart. Ain’t shake him none to see me crying neither. He just waited until I was done then told me the real reason he’d come back.

“I love you. And I need you. You make me happy. Belinda, you listening to me?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I want us to be together. Forever.” His long bony fingers grasped onto my hand and I felt every muscle in his body go tight.
 

And I finally let out the words I knew he was dying to hear. “I love you too.”

“You do?”

“I never loved anybody else.”

“Then marry me.”

R
ICKY
AND
ME
WAS
married in a church on a hill in the middle of the week. Wasn’t nobody there but me and him and the preacher. But with Heziah it was different. The Cook County Courthouse’s basement was lined with couples just waiting to say their vows. When our turn came around the judge took us in a little room that was more like a cross between a closet and an office and he said the same few words he was gonna say to every couple that came through there. Heziah stood all sturdy and determined, watching the man’s lips move. And I stood watching him. Ain’t seem real as we walked on out into the hallway. Could’ve been the sour apple colored walls or the floors that looked like they hadn’t been mopped in ages but the happiness ain’t sink in until we were on the ground level and headed through the revolving doors. While I was blinking and trying to hide from the sun I thought I caught sight of somebody I knew. A man with a strong build and a pretty face. A man I hated. But as soon as Heziah joined me on the sidewalk, he took me by the hand and laid a kiss on me so sweet it could’ve stopped traffic. For every thought I had about Ricky, I had two about Heziah.
 

We were starting over. Creating the world as it should’ve been. He even went around telling folks I wasn’t ready to tell yet. His kids. Had them calling me Mama Bell before the end of the week. Told all my neighbors when he showed up with all his stuff, saying he was moving in. Was only right since we were man and wife but it was the way he just went ahead and did it that bothered me some. But that was just me being silly. I knew it and told myself as much.
 

Heziah taught me all about love that first month we were man and wife. About how it gives and sacrifices and it don’t make no conditions. That was how he was. Real loving. Ain’t make no difference that the girls weren’t his, he wanted them back just like I did and we both worried about it. Made calls, harassing the social worker and anybody else that would listen.
 

Ain’t make no difference that I was already on chile number five when we got married. He just nodded and kissed my hand. Said it was going to be our baby. Course I tried to tell him how it happened but he shushed me, putting his finger up against my lips. Heziah said it ain’t matter. Nothing mattered except us.

“You’re my wife,” he said. “And you’re perfect just the way you are.”

W
HEN
I
FINALLY
GOT
the social worker to let me see the girls, me and Heziah had our first real test. As wonderful and perfect and loving as he was, I ain’t want him there. I wasn’t saying anything about him. He was fine. I just needed to see the girls first. Needed them to see me before they saw him. I was their mama. He said he understood and I took that to mean he wanted to understand and I did it anyway. I went by myself. Saw Mya and Nikki first.

The yellow house at the end of the block had a fresh coat of paint on it like somebody was trying to hide something. Other folks might have said it looked fine enough. Like everything that was needed worked. Roof to keep the rain and snow out. Windows to let the sunshine in. I walked up the steps with tears already in my eyes. I ain’t know what was going to be waiting for me on the other side. Were my girls gonna be happy to see me? Or were they gonna be mad? If my mama had shown up after being gone so long don’t know if I’d of had it in me to be nice to the woman. So I stood there a few minutes thinking about running away. Slid my ring into my pocket and before I could really make up my mind the door flew open.

“Hello. Are you Mrs. Morrow?” I nodded. “I’m Darlene Pratt,” she said. “Please come in.”

Was a nice house. Not as big as mine but wasn’t one speck of dust anywhere. All the wood shined like it was polished daily. And the woman whose name I had to struggle to remember, she seemed happy enough. Wore an apron. I thought that was weird. Who wore a apron if they weren’t cooking?

“Come in, come in. We were just sitting down. Mrs. Gibson is on the phone in the kitchen...” She gestured into what was probably they living room and waited for me to enter. Felt like I was being watched from somewhere up on high but there was nothing above us but the ceiling. “This is my husband. The reverend. Reverend, this is Mrs. Morrow.”

He was old. Even in his eyes he was old. In the way that only religious folks could be old. And standing next to him, made Darlene look just as old.

“Where’s your husband?” Was all he had to say to me. Like I needed Ricky to come with me if I was about to leave the house.

“Alright. I’m back,” chimed Mrs. Gibson as she plopped back into what must’ve already been claimed as her seat. “Mrs. Morrow, I’m so glad you could make it. We were beginning to wonder if you would show.”

“I...I had work and...the bus was late.” I ain’t have no choice but to take the wing chair against the wall. Sun shined so bright through the window it blinded the whole left side of my face. Made it that much harder to think up things to say. The three of them sat perfectly still, not an ounce of sympathy to spare between them. What was so great about them that they were better for my girls than I was?

“Well, the kids will be happy to see you. Mya’s been asking about her daddy. Every time I see her, she asks me about him. I’ve explained that it will be quite a while before she has any visits with him. Have you spoken with your husband recently?” Mrs. Gibson asked, looking down over the top of her glasses.

Guess I ain’t answer fast enough because then the reverend added, “Mrs. Morrow?”

“No. I don’t talk to him.”

“No?” Mrs. Gibson asked like she was surprised. Her pen ready to write down anything I said.

“No. We not together no more. We divorced.”

“Oh, that’s right! I forgot to mention that. They are divorced now. You’ll have to give me the papers so I can make a copy and put it in the file.”

“Do you know that divorce is a sin?” It was grammatically a question but something about the way his lips got real tight made it clear he ain’t mean it as such. “The bible says...”

The reverend. I hated the reverend. “Where are my girls?”

“They’re upstairs—should I...” Darlene moved to get up but with a quick shake of his head the reverend put an end to that. She sank back into the sofa. “Well, they’re doing their homework. Since you were late Mrs. Gibson said we could tell them to go ahead and get started. They’re so well behaved—and smart, those little girls.” She just beamed like a rooster prancing around the hen house.
 

Should’ve made me happy, what she was saying about my girls but all I could see was her proudness. Her proudness of my girls. She ain’t have the right to be proud of my girls. They were mine. Mine to be proud of.

“They do lack discipline.”
 

“No, they don’t,” before I knew it I’d snapped at the reverend.

“Yes, miss, they do. Especially the younger one. Always wanting to run loose like a wild animal.”

I had to check to make sure I’d heard him right. He’d just called my baby a wild animal. Mrs. Gibson just blinked and kept right on writing in her little worn out notebook. It was Darlene that sorta flinched a little. Made me feel a little bit better to see it wasn’t just me that was bothered by his words.
 

“The reverend doesn’t mean it like that. You know men, they talk real hard. We love having them here. They have just brought such joy to our house. Just lightened things up. We take them to church with us on Sundays. Bible study on Wednesday. They say that you didn’t really do that sort of thing...”

“We ain’t religious folks. Not really. Clara used to sing to them. Sing...some songs to them. Not enough that it be like church.”

“Clara is your mother?”

“My aunt. My—Ricky’s aunt. She um...she used to live with us. They don’t talk about her, huh? They talk...I mean they ask...about me?”

Couldn’t make no mama feel no kinda good to have to ask other folks about her kids. How they were...what was on their minds...wasn’t supposed to be like that. It was hard to take. Was like pricking my heart on a needle. The tears that had met me at the door came back, this time not bothering to ask permission before embarassing me in front of these folks.

“I...um...you got a washroom?”

“Upstairs. Second door on your left,” Darlene stood up, ringing her hands.

Even the banister was smooth. The wood had been polished some time in the last few days, I was sure. They probably never had no accidents where folks fell through the banister. Not in that house. That sorta thing only happened in mine. They had crosses that met you at the door and another right outside the bathroom. Made me wonder what it was they were trying to keep out. Keep evil spirits outside and keep the bathroom spirits where they belonged. In the toilet. It ain’t make sense but it was just what I thought. Thinking it was enough to stop the tears from running out my eyes. Thinking about the religiousness of these folks. They were some kinda weird, I could tell. Wiped my eyes and said it to the mirror. My reflection gleamed right back at me, looking just as tired as always.

“Mama?” Nikki’s voice wasn’t nothing but a whisper. She was wearing a pretty blue dress that looked like it belonged in a Christmas pagent. “Mama.” She ran at me, damn near knocking me into the tub.
 

“Hi, baby.” But it hit me like a ton a bricks that she wasn’t a baby no more. She was growing fast. Could see the beginnings of her turning into a woman. Only made it all worse. “You okay? Hmm?” Couldn’t hear her answer because her face was buried up in my chest. “Nikki. They treating you okay?”

“Mmhmm.” She nodded.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Where’s your sister? Where’s Mya?”

“In her room. We got our own rooms now.” She looked up at me, smiling her biggest smile. “Daddy said that when we come home he’s gonna build us two new bedrooms so we don’t have to share. Did you know that, mama?”

“You saw your daddy?”

Nikki shook her head then explained that he’d written them a letter. Said he went on for about a page telling them how much he loved us. About how me and him were gonna work things out.