How to Lose Your Virginity ...And How Not To (29 page)

Beforehand, I told him that, "OK I've never done this before." He said, "No worries. I'll just take it as far as you want it to go and I'll stop when you want to stop." He was really good that way. Then of course the issue of contraception and birth control came up and we did it responsibly.
Afterwards it felt really cool. Almost like I had passed a threshold and I was now a woman.
I was in a state of euphoria. I felt high. I was high on life. Nothing felt harsh. Everything had this beautiful hue, like looking through rose-colored glasses. The world was good.
I know a lot of girls have had bad first experiences but I had a good guy and I was ready for it. A lot of bad first experiences probably happened because the girls weren’t ready or the guy just wants to get laid and they're not considerate. I don't know; I had a good one.
My parents were split up and I was staying with my mom. I was visiting her for the summer. My father had a slight issue with it when he found out because the guy was 21 and I was 15 and he said, "No way in hell." And I said, "Well, it's already a done deal so... meet him and deal with it because you can't turn it back and fix it. So deal with it as a parent from that point on." He met the guy and didn't like him. But it all went well I guess you could say.
I had a great experience and it was because I was ready and I had a great guy who gave me a good time. And that's what you should wait for.

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He eventually sort of became of the mindset that we were having some sort of relationship. Two weeks after it began he was like, "Oh, I ran into my ex-lover and I’m moving to San Francisco." I was like, "Dude, this meant nothing. You were practice."
Isaac, 41
Chicago, IL

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LAURA’S STORY
Laura, 37
The first person to take my virginity, and I say the first person to take it because I choose to think of the first person as being the person that I loved and cared for. However, the first person to take my physical virginity was a nasty and horrible situation. I still look back and think that was really strong of me not to consider the horrible experience to be my loss of virginity.
At 15 I was pretty brutally raped. I was cut, beat up, everything. The choice was taken away from me. It wasn’t until I was almost 19 that I chose to think I really lost my virginity, by my decision, with a person who was smart and attractive and I very much loved and who I dated for almost a year before we had sex.
He and I used to park, that was the big thing for us, and we would maul each other, do oral sex. The first act of intercourse happened on one of the cold, winter nights we were parked at a golf course, ironic because neither of us played golf. We had been talking about sex for months. I thought my own reticence to have sex was odd or unnatural but I learned that he, having not gone through anything violent, was just as reticent as I was. I feel he would have been equally hesitant had I not gone through something nasty, so that made it special. He didn’t treat me like some mental patient. He knew about the rape and we both agreed wholeheartedly that that shouldn’t mean anything. He was a virgin for real so the first time was really important for the both of us.
It was classic. This was in the dead of winter up in "Siber-acuse," upstate New York. We were in a dumb car with this stupid stick shift and as the moment approached we took a time-out and talked about it and we asked each other, "Is this OK?" We loved each other and it was tender and emotionally wonderful, while physically it was a little awkward and scary and frankly not very satisfying. As a woman it hurt. I think for a lot of teenage boys, sex is just masturbating into a woman. They don’t understand that women have different equipment down there that needs to be serviced a little differently. It was cold out; I’m sure that made things difficult for him.
After the fact, I jumped out of the car to pee and I saw blood in the snow, which was a little confusing since physically I wasn’t a virgin. But on an emotional level there was a relief like, "Wow. We finally did it." It wasn’t kismet or anything but it was an important milestone in our relationship and it felt that our relationship had transgressed into something bigger.
Immediately after though, it was awkward and silly and stupid. It was a silent car ride home. Even the next morning when we called each other, we were really awkward toward each other and we had never been awkward with one another. And the truth of the matter was the reason we even had sex was because we were so comfortable with one another. The first time was so bad and fumbling that it turned into an inside joke between us. The first time is never good but it always gets better.
I think it’s important to note that this is a person I did not go on to marry. There was no fairytale ending, but he remains a friend to this day. We still talk and send the occasional email.
My first time was sort of a dual experience. There was the person who I loved very much, and there was that person I didn’t even know, that evil, nasty piece of work who put me in the emergency room and almost killed me. But I refuse to allow the bad rape situation as the defining moment.

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I’m glad I waited. I’m now a big proponent of doing things when they feel right for you.
Rose, 35
Milwaukee, WI

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CONCLUSION

If you picked up this book as a virgin looking for definitive steps as the best way to lose it, hopefully you were guided in the right direction. Ultimately, you yourself know the best way to lose it for you. As interviewer and editor, here is what I learned: First, women like to talk about sex, just as much if not more so than men. So, if on the cusp of your first time and you have a partner picked out, you’re both probably nervous. Thus, talking about it is a smart move. For one thing, it’s good to be on the same page about how each of you feels regarding the possibility of sex, what you want out of it. You might even find that it’s something your partner enjoys talking about. It’s important to be truthful with yourself and the other person about what you expect. If you are looking for love then it will most likely work best if your partner feels the same way. If you are just looking to get the first time over with than a partner who has the same attitude would most likely produce the best results. I have found through many of these stories that a shared outcome, an equality of desire, so to speak, makes for positive memories. One person wanting love while the other just wanting a lay leads to hurt feelings. Honesty is the best policy, and that holds true in the bedroom. Granted, sometimes you will find yourself in a situation where a partner has been less than honest about their intentions in the bedroom (or even beyond), but perhaps they were unsure of what they wanted. There exist plenty of examples within these pages of first times that did not go as planned, felt wrong, or lacked the magic they were hoping for. We can’t always choose where life takes us, but we can choose how we handle life , how we respond to these situations. It is possible to grow from a less than desirable first time into a sexually capable individual. If it was bad once, it does not have to be bad the rest of your life. Even some of the interviewees with traumatic loss of virginity stories, after time and support from loved ones, have grown from the past into a healthy present and future. So how do you lose your virginity? It probably can be easily summed by quoting the Golden Rule, Aretha Franklin, and any number of Beatles songs... Honesty, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Love.
Be careful. And enjoy!

History of this Project
Through a friend, I received a handful of free passes to the 27th annual Cleveland International Film Festival. One of the many features I watched that year was a German film Mein Bruder, der Vampir (2001), the story of a girl’s quest to find the best person with whom to lose her virginity. We see her several unsuccessful attempts with numerous inadequate suitors and I’ll wait until the next section to spoil the ending, but I left the theater thinking, "If this story exists, what else is out there?"
Later that night I went to a festival after-party and my thoughts dwelled on both my first sexual experience and that of the character from the film. Whenever the subject of sex came up among friends, talking about virginity was always taboo. I realized that I knew very few of their stories, and of those who did venture to share, the experience was always blown off as "awkward."
On a whim, and fueled by the courage of an open bar, I asked some fellow festival-goers what they thought of the film with the intent of steering the conversation toward their own loss of virginity story. I was surprised how open and receptive people were to such a personal and private inquiry from a stranger. Even more so, I was surprised to find out how entertaining and intriguing I found everyone’s responses. The amateur ethnographer in me had awoken.
Intent
Personally, I had mixed feelings about my own first time. I was excited when it happened, pleased who it happened with. But the girl was more experienced than I, so I never told her it was my first time and I always regretted that I wasn’t more honest and open about the moment. Over time, that was what I focused on whenever I thought back on it. Prior to my own first, I would hear other people talking about their first time and how awkward it was, so that’s what I came to expect. And certainly, compared to subsequent and more experienced times, they are awkward or clumsy. I started thinking that perhaps we are not only taught to expect nothing less than awkward, but in some cases, over time, we tend to forget the relief, joy, and triumph of the first sexual experience and remember simply the awkwardness. I heard the term "awkward" thrown around so much that perhaps it started to eclipse the other feelings I had.
One of the concepts from my college psychology courses that fascinated me the most was the idea of learned helplessness; the notion that presented with a constant and negative stimulus, we learn to accept or feel that we have no control over the situation. The example used in class was administering electrical shocks over a period of time to caged lab mice. When their cages were left open, the mice made no attempt at escape because they perceived their situation to be hopeless.
The story in Mein Bruder, der Vampir although fictional, presented an extreme alternative, a unique story. In it, the main character, Nicole, decides the best person to have sex with is someone she trusts. That person ends up being her developmentally disabled, older brother because as she sees it, this will also be an opportunity to give him something. Different, disturbing, but not awkward – that is how she chose to do it. And this triggered in my mind that all first times can’t be horrible; they certainly can’t all be great, either. There has to be a range of emotions, consequences,
I then set out to dispel the myth, or at least the pre-conceived notion, that all first times are lame. Inspired by the story from Mein Bruder, der Vampir, I knew that there existed out in the world a whole spectrum of loss of virginity stories. And if this were true, I would set out and find them.
Why a Book?
At the time I was working at a public access cable TV station in Amherst, Ohio as well as doing freelance video production jobs in my hometown of Cleveland. As this was the medium I had access to, my initial thought was a documentary. However, it but being the summer of 2003, "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials were all over late-night TV. And as a direct reaction to the popularity of those videos, I wanted the project to have more of a journalistic and sincere inquiry into the stories than a raucous, hedonistic, in-your-face portrayal of sexuality. And with a camera present, raucous and vulgar is what I thought the footage would spiral towards. I wanted honesty and openness and I figured a small tape recorder would capture that more easily than an obtrusive camera. A collection of these interviews in book format seemed to me a more civilized approach.
Methodology
On my first evening out with the tape recorder, I didn't intend to interview anyone. I planned on only testing the microphone and its functionality under noisy background conditions. I met up with my friend Anne Marie Kozlowski at a bar and she asked what the tape recorder was for. I said, "To test it." "To test it for what?" "To see how well it works." I was avoiding the subject. "OK, but what for?" I acquiesced and she found the idea fascinating and forced me to commit her story to audio tape. Other friends and friends of friends found out what I was doing and wanted to share their experiences as well. Thirteen stories later, my tape recorder test was more successful than expected.
Many of my subsequent interviews were recorded in bars because it felt like the appropriate setting to breach the subject of sex. I took great care in not approaching anyone who was too inebriated to make an informed decision on sharing their story. Also, all interviewees signed a release form acknowledging that their contribution was for a book. Everyone was informed that theirs and any other names they mentioned would be changed. 4 Other locations I interviewed people included coffee houses, house parties, galleries, political rallies, concerts – anywhere people congregated. I had experimented with randomly stopping people on the street but quickly learned that this approach was a little too unsettling for them and me.
Over time, and after some nervous first attempts, I settled into my quick and concise introduction: "Hi. My name is Shawn Wickens. I'm currently traveling the country, working on a book about loss of virginity stories. Do you have a story you’d like to share?"
A thousand people seemed like a nice, round number to shoot for and certainly enough to give me a wide range of interesting, humorous, poignant stories, and even tragic ones.
In order to cast as wide a net as possible, I visited the following cities on several road trips over a three-year period. On a few occasions, I coordinated road trips to certain cities during events that would draw a lot of people: the 2004 Democratic and Republican National Conventions in Boston and New York, George Bush’s second inauguration in Washington D.C., Mardi Gras in New Orleans. The full list of cities includes:
I then transcribed these interviews, and the full text of some appear in the book. The rest, I edited down for conciseness, taking care to include all of the relevant information and keep the speaker’s voice intact.
Presentation
Chapters are arranged by overall mood of the story (ranging from good to bad) in addition to stories that have a religious influence, the process of buying, acquiring, or when putting on a condom played a role,
etc.
Throughout the book I've included facts on sexuality and virginity as well as quotes that I found relevant, interesting or simply random (along with a fake name, age at the time of the interview, location of experience). These come from stories that didn’t make the final draft.
Although I was originally interested in stories that reflected a positive memory, I also include in this collection a few of the stories that reflect the less successful sexual experiences, as well as some of the negative ones because as much could be learned from the bad as well as the good.
I don’t purport to revealing the definite and absolute best way to lose one’s virginity. There’s no perfect method to ensure a good first time. There’s no road map, no checklist of enumerated steps of exactly what needs to happen when. What works for some people doesn’t work for others. The hope is, other than the entertainment value, that through exploring these stories, it will compel those on the verge of their sexual lives to put more thought into what they want and need out of their first time – to make an informed decision. It is my hope that this book will allow the rest of us to reflect on our first experiences and cherish them – or put them behind us.
Limitations
Much to the dismay, I'd gather, of my former college professors (undergrad and graduate), this is hardly a scientific study but more of a snapshot or overview of the people I randomly spoke with during my travels. Early on I decided against collecting demographic information as I feared people would balk about revealing personal details and intimate stories, as well as discussing income, ethnicity and occupation. Thus each story includes merely a pseudonym and their age at the time of the interview.
It was difficult to separate some of the stories into chapters. There is a flood of emotions associated with the first time. So much grey area exists in relation to these stories that I often had to arbitrarily choose the overriding theme in which the story fit. For example, getting caught in the act doesn't presuppose the quality of the act. Some of those who were caught were horrified; for others, it didn't negatively affect the moment. Given the locations I frequented, the age range of subjects is skewed younger than I would've liked. That had as much to do with the higher percentage of older people who turned down interview requests, many noting that they couldn't remember or (and I think this answer is closer to the truth) were less open about the topic as opposed to younger generations.
My story - I’ll call her Alice.
In fairness to those reading and to all who anonymously shared their experiences, I will openly share mine.
I was a little older than many of the contributors to this book. Because of several circumstances – a religious background, going to an all-boys high school, apprehension at getting a girl pregnant, pride, a long-distance relationship in college, learned helplessness (simply getting used to not going all the way) – I waited until shortly after my 22nd birthday.
I started dating a girl shortly after I transferred to a different college and quickly discovered that she was more experienced than I was. For fear of being judged harshly or seen as being inferior, I kept my history vague.
I was past the legal drinking age, some of my fellow and fellow late-bloomers were starting to "drop" and I began feeling that I had held on to my v-card a little too long. I was casually seeing a woman who didn’t share in my hang-ups, so I could sense that my time was fast approaching.
When it came time for the conversation, Alice said that she wanted to wait, that in the past she had rushed into physical relationships and that she liked me and just wanted to wait, which was fine with me. I wasn’t about to dive headfirst into an area that I only had minimal experience. We were at her house late one night, her mother was sequestered for jury duty on a highly publicized murder trial. We were in her bed, not watching the television, and making out as we always did when we had the chance. I don’t know where I came up with this line; at the time I thought it was quite inspired but since then, looking back, I laugh about it. I said to her, "How about we take off our clothes and just lay here." Alice laughed, we each disrobed under the blankets and she reached to the side table and grabbed a condom.
My line had elicited the results I deep down had hoped for but I was severely unprepared for what my next course of action was. My first attempt at putting on the condom was a bust and she pointed out that I was putting it on backwards. I casually commented that I would just put it on the other way but she expertly pointed out that it was already "used." So she got another one and took charge putting it on while I assisted.
"How could she not know?" I thought. "She has to at least suspect." Or maybe she chalked up my nervousness as excitement. Sex is exciting and I’m guessing that she was excited too. So maybe she didn’t think much about how un-adept I was leading up to it.
She then took it upon herself to make sure everything "fit properly" and smoothly. One less thing for me to think about.
Now, I wasn’t a complete amateur. I had had other experiences so I had some slight confidence in my stamina and my ability to perform. I remember the phrase "This is happening. This is happening," running over and over through my head. And something along the lines of, "Right now, I’m having sex," also came up.
And I really was into the girl, I was attracted to her, I liked her, so the elation of not only doing the act but who I was doing it with kept entering my brain. Concentrating on all of that took some of the pressure off of wanting to do it well.
When the twin bed we were on began to make too much noise, for concern of waking up her younger sister in the next room, she suggested we move to the floor. It was there that I "finished" but wanting to really give a stellar time my first try out of the gates, I kept going. When fatigue finally set in just minutes later, I faked having an orgasm so I could stop and rest.
I don’t recall specifics of the postsex conversation, but if she thought I was an amateur, she didn’t let on.
The next morning I drove home and felt a mix of disbelief, excitement, and euphoria. I wanted to high five everybody, not to boast but to celebrate. I felt really good about myself. There existed no thoughts of lameness. If anything, I felt like a winner. And despite our efforts to conceal what we shared, her older sister had seen my car in the driveway when she left for work and once jury duty was over, shared with their mother that, "Shawn spent the night," wink-wink. I would later find out that my staying over was revealed at the dinner table, so no repercussions there. No problem.