How to Make Love to a Woman (2 page)

“Basically, I think I was furious with my mother for not teaching me how to be a woman, for not teaching me how to make peace between the raging hunger in my cunt and the hunger in my head.”

—Erica Jong,
Fear of Flying

And it’s quite fair to use every trick in the book, including asking her if she’ll tell you one simple fantasy, and if necessary, asking her while her clit is writhing under the pleasure of your tongue. Make sure she understands that the only reason you want to know is because your number one interest is in pleasing her. Withhold cock from her at an untimely moment and make her promise to tell you one little thing, and assure her that you won’t ask again for a month. Tend to her heart clit at the same time. Make her feel safe to tell you anything. That’s the only way she‘ll share her secrets. It is highly worth the trouble. Because once you can talk about your fantasies, once you have a trusted and beloved play partner, the sky is the limit and sexual freedom is at hand.

Be ready, though, to hear things that might shock you. One man from a very white suburb in middle America, bought a couples game from the local bookstore, a game which required that he and his wife make a list of fantasies that each of them always wanted to play out. In between “have you wash my hair” and “have you suck on my toes,” she had written “Have you watch me do it with a big, angry black man.” Mr. Middle America thought she was kidding.

3

BRING ALL THE CONFIDENCE YOU HAVE, ALL YOU CAN MUSTER

There is probably nothing more unromantic than a bumbler. If you have games you want to play, positions you want to try, places you want to do it, then you must be able to put those into literate sentences. Practice if you have to, but get so that what comes out of your mouth sounds like the most natural and wonderful thing the two of you could do together. If she balks, act like you don’t understand. Scratch your head. Say, “Why would you be afraid to do that?” and fall to your knees and say, “Baby, I adore you. . . . I just want to play together.”

If you are going to attempt to have mind-blowing sex, you have to have some ideas about how you would achieve that and you have to be able to communicate them, confidently, and with charm. If you can’t do the charm thing, then be extra bossy and explain that you can’t help yourself, she turns you on so much that you become this whole other animal. Women will cut men a lot of slack for sins made in the name of their beauty.

Even if you are experimenting for the first time, be confident, at least, about how you want to play and what you want to do. Be absolutely OK with who you are—don’t apologize for anything about yourself; you have to like yourself if you want someone else to like you, and all men should have figured that out by now.

4

NO COMPLAINTS

Throughout every interaction leading up to the mind-blowing sex, make sure you do not complain about anything. Complaining is too close to whining and whining is a physical turn off for most healthy and normal women. It is a sad fact that some people seem to find everything in life so unpleasant that they do nothing but grumble. These are the losers of our world. If a person only gets his kicks out of complaining, I say let them—but don’t make the mistake of hooking up with one of them. Remember that advice for all your dates. Nothing turns off a person faster than chronic unhappiness and if you can’t get through a first date without complaining about someone or something, then you are not likely to have many more.

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

—Woody Allen

The exception to this, of course, is if your fantasy role-play demands complaints—many of them do. If you are playing the king of the castle and she is playing a lowly servant girl, then it may very well be a legitimate part of your role to tell her she’s moving too slow to quench your thirst, that she should get on her knees to make atonement, and in this particular instance, it’s even OK to complain while she’s giving you the blow job. Just make sure that when it’s over, she has no complaints.

5

NO WORRIES

Stop worrying. Worrying has no place in sex—it is an ”anti-sex” emotion. When you set out to play, play. Sex is to adults as play is to children and when children engage in a playful activity, they forget everything else and devote themselves to the endeavor. More grownups should follow their lead. Lay your worries on the doorstep before laying your partner. Forget the bills, forget the kids, and for goodness’ sake, don’t go into it worried about your penis size or if you can please your mate.

“Man exists in one of two states: getting his dick touched and waiting to get his dick touched.”

—Robert Sherwood

Not that there isn’t cause to worry. There is. The male sexual organ is a wayward little prick. A man may find a female irresistibly attractive, but his pecker just hangs its head and ignores her. The next day, however, on a crowded bus or in the middle of a meeting, it suddenly stands to attention for no reason at all, to the enormous embarrassment of the man at the top. This problem is comparatively common in young men and is usually caused by lack of confidence or fear of failure. Unfortunately, it tends to magnify itself because the surest way to stay soft is to worry about not being able to get hard.

The penis is controlled by the brain, and although the programmer of that neurotic computer lives in a bombproof bunker somewhere between the ears, there are ways to reach him. Your dick can usually be coaxed upright by manual manipulation. In the privacy of your room, you can experiment on the kind of caress you like best. I once knew a man who used to smack his cock with the flat of his hand and say, “Take that, you little bastard!” and it would usually spring erect!

6

LEARN TO LOVE YOUR BODY

Learn to love your body—or at least learn to pretend! The current environment of “plastic surgery made easy” has people doing all kinds of crazy things to themselves in the hopes of changing their lives radically. By ignoring the fact that one must learn to be comfortable in his own skin, happy with one’s own body, many people are missing one of the greatest turn-ons there is in the sexual mating game—and that is confidence. Without it, you are unlikely to experience mind-blowing sex.

“There is very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’”

—Jerry Seinfeld

Sometime in your life, you’ve seen, I’m sure, the fat, toady, cigar-smoking, roly-poly, bald sixty-ish man walking with a possessive arm around a beautiful young woman (clearly not his daughter), and you probably assume it’s a money thing. You could very well be wrong. Women can’t resist confidence and a man who feels attractive, whether he is or isn’t, emits a powerful karmic aphrodisiac that surrounds him. Men feel the same way about women, becoming hopelessly attracted to someone very average or even ugly, but convinced she is beautiful because she acts like she is. Take a lesson from this.

7

LEARN TO READ HER

Here’s a quote from the
Kama Sutra
that tells you “why” you need to be able to read her:

“Men who are well acquainted with the art of love are well aware how often one woman differs from another in her sighs and sounds during the time of congress. Some women like to be talked to in the most loving way, others in the most lustful way, and others in the most abusive way, and so on. Some women enjoy themselves with closed eyes in silence, others make a great noise over it, and some almost faint away. The great art is to ascertain what gives them the greatest pleasure, and what specialities they like best.”

More simply put, “You must learn to read her, because every woman is different.” Every woman’s wants and needs are different and you can’t be a good lover if you can’t give her what she needs, and you can’t give her what she needs if you can’t read her signals. The signals are always there; few men are good at reading them.

Thirty years ago, two scientists confirmed Darwin’s evolutionary theory of emotions that declares that facial expressions are identical all over the globe—that there is no culture where the people express happiness by frowning or sadness by smiling. So there are no tricks here. You just have to be paying attention.