How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (12 page)

If the answer is yes, ask, “What do you like most about it?” (If the answer is no, follow
with “What don't you like about it?”)

As the reasons are given, push for more. Expanding on answers tike “Well, for one thing,
it's peaceful” can be encouraged by the question “What else?” And don't stop there. Pursue
your line of questioning until you have enough verbal cues to get a handle on the person's
favorite sense.

of touch and contact are paramount; in the other group are the sensitive, laid-back,
down-to-earth, bighearted types who may have a higher proportion of heavier bodies among
their number.

You can probably see for yourself that the chances of establishing a loving relationship
with someone “like” you are high. But is this always a good idea? Yes and no. If you want
to spend your life with someone very much like you, then yes. But what if you want some spark and excitement?

I am frequently asked whether there is any validity in the age-old aphorism that opposites
attract. The answer is yes, they most definitely do. But how? And what do they attract?

First let me say that this book is about establishing rapport and making people like you.
If rapport and liking lead to friendship and romance, that's up to you. I like, trust and
care about a lot of people, but they are not all my friends and they are definitely not my
partners. Falling for someone romantically is more complex. Many of the old classic
languages refer to three different types of love or affection. Roughly translated, they
include general, brotherly and sexual love. When all three are present, a relationship is
indeed rich.

In my opinion, and it has no scientific basis other than my close enough acquaintanceships
with more than 35 couples whose relationships have lasted more than 20 years and are still vibrant, the following observation holds true. Relationships that have endured more than 20 years
have an interesting pattern of sensory preference. They are complete opposites.

You'll remember from the self-test in Chapter 8 that the tally at the end allowed you to
rank your preferences. Let's use my own rating as an example. I ranked first A, then V
and last K, or AVK. The complete opposite of my ranking would be KVA. Stack these side by side and they look like this:

AK VV KA

This would give us opposites at the top, A and K, for spark and interest, but the same in
the middle in this case, V. The relationship is held together by the common visual link, a
mutual subconscious sharing of the same wavelength. And the relationship is kept vital by
the opposing A and K as primary personal sensory preferences.

My observation is that when two people “meet in the middle” and share a central sensory
preference, whether Visual, Auditory or Kinesthetic, it is that bond that will get them
through the rough times and add sparkle to the good times. Any shared sensory preferences,
be they primary, secondary or tertiary, will work in the favor of the relationship when
the going gets tough.

A tendency to favor “picture” words and metaphors “if we look more clearly,” “the
difference was like night and day”may be a strong indication that the person relies mainly
on the visual sense.

For one entire dayfrom dawn to duskfocus on the Visual words and phrases that you hear in
other people's vocabulary. Notice them until they appear as clear as the three extremely
visual words I just used in this one sentence. The list of picturesque words below will
give you perspective and focus as you observe people who scrutinize the world with their
eyes. Then demonstrate how well you can use these Visual words. Make the effort in your
conversations with other people to “talk in color” by painting word pictures. Describe
your experiences vividly so other people can “see” them.

analyze angle appear aspect blind bright brilliant clarity clear colorful conspicuous dark diagram dim view dull enlighten envision examine

focus foresee fuzzy glance glare glimpse

glow hide hindsight

illuminate oversight scrutinize

illusion notice show

imagine peek sketch

inspect perception staring

light perspective survey

looks great picture view

mental picture plainly vision

mind's eye portray vivid

obscure reflect watch

observe reveal witness

outlook see zoom in

announce divulge

outspoken overtones phrase proclaim pronounce question quiet

rasp remark report resonate resounding roar

rumor say scream

articulate babble blabbermouth boom

call (me) chime clang clash click converse crashing (bore) deaf

debate describe in detail discuss

earful earshot express yourself gossip harmonize hear hidden message hush idle talk
inquire listen loud

manner of speaking mention noisy

shout talk utter

shrill tell vocal

silence tinkling well-informed

speak tone whine

speechless tongue-tied word-for-word

squawk tune in/out yell

state unheard of

The following physical words are the currency of the Kino. Tap into the emotions around
you until you get a handle on how they flow. Overcome any and all stumbling blocks.
Build a firm foundation on which you can base your own contact with other people. Use
those concrete, touching words that move Kinesthetic people, thanks to their sensitivity
to feelings.

bearable boils down to break catch on cold come to grips with concrete connect dig
emotional explore feel

firm (go with the) flow foundation freeze

grasp hand-in-hand handle hard heated hold hunch hurt intuition light-headed

make contact motion muddled nail

pain in the neck pressure

push rush sensitive set shallow sharp shift shocking smooth operator softly

solid sort through squeeze stir strain stress

stretch structured support tap into tension

throw out tied up topsy-turvy touch unbearable

underhanded unfeeling unravel unsettled

warm

Over the years, I have shot more fashion magazine covers with more models in more countries
than I can remember, and frequently the models' first language was not English. When all
you have to work with is a face, neck and shoulders (and, of course, the extraordinary
talents of hair, makeup and fashion stylists), you soon realize that, besides subtle tilts
and leans, most of the “innuendo” suggested by this kind of close-up comes from facial
expressionfrom the eyes and mouth. When you want a model to smile, you don't tell her to
smile. You make her smile.

To initiate eye movements, there are a few code words that always seem to work in any
language. When you want your subject to look up and to the side, it's enough to say, “Just
dream,” and up go the eyes to one side or the other. Words such as “secret” or “telephone”
will send the eyes sideways toward the ears, and “sad,” “romantic” or “thoughtful” will
normally send the eyes down and to the left or right.

Once again, the originators of NLP had observed these phenomena of eye movements and
codified them into an intriguing paradigm. On the basis of their findings, we can think
of the human eyeball as a six-way switch that must be flicked into any one of six
positions as it searches for informationeach position activating a sense, sometimes to remember, sometimes to create an answer.

If you ask a man to tell you the color of his favorite shirt, you may see him look up and
to his left as he pictures the shirt before he gives you an answer. Ask a woman to tell
you what silk feels like, and chances are she'll look down and to her right as she
remembers how silk feels in her mind. In other words, when asked a question, people often
have to look away in order to generate the answer. The reason is quite simple: they are
accessing their senses.

Keep your eye on the ball. Turn down the sound on your TV during an interview and watch
the guest's eyes hunt about for answers to the interviewefs questions.

Before you read any further, go and ask someone a question. Without telegraphing your
intent, look the person in the eye and ask a nonspecific question such as “What did you
like most about your last holiday (or birthday or job)?” Then watch as the person's eyes
dart off to get the information. This will give you a fairly good idea of how he or she
stores and accesses information, i.e., as pictures, sounds or feelings. Consistent
references to one sense are also an indication of sensory preference.

People who answer such questions while looking up to the left or right are most likely
visualizing their answer. If they look left or right toward their ears, they are probably
recalling sound information. If they look down to the left, they may well be accessing
their feelings, and down to the right indicates some type of internal dialogue. Research
has varying views as to the validity of these NLP eye cues, but I find them fairly
accurate, and most importantly they lead to proactive eye contact for many people who are
often too shy to look another person directly in the eye without discomfort.

Another valuable detail to be aware of here is that when we look to the left, we are remembering information, while looking the other way, to the right, means we are constructing it.

Keep in mind that when you converse with someone, there may be several mental activities
going on at once. For example, a fellow asks a young woman, “Seen the latest Bruce
Willis movie?” “Yes, I have,” she says, going into her mind and picturing herself in the
waiting line as she remembers. But at the same time she's having an internal dialogue:
“What a boring twit. Am I judging too quickly? No, he's a bore. How can I dump him?” Then
he says, “Wanna go out Saturday night?” Grasping for any excuse, she finally mutters,
"Gosh, I can't, I have to, er, finish off a report for a Monday morning

Challenge a friend to answer the following questions without moving his eyes. Tell him to
look directly at you at all times and to keep his eyeballs perfectly still. Then ask the first question: “Do you like the house (apartment or whatever) you live in?” Depending on whether he answers yes or no, ask this follow-up question: “Quickly list six things you like (or don't like) about where you live.” Either your friend will be completely tongue-tied, or he'll find himself struggling to think of his answer. Searching for how things look, sound or
feel without any eye movement is almost impossible. He'll be like a rabbit paralyzed in
the grip of a car's headlights.

Hypnotists know that if they can stop your eyeballs from moving, you won't be able to
think. A meditative state is easily accessed in the same way. Stare at a stationary spot
with your eyes open, or place your attention in one spot your forehead, for examplewith
your eyes closed. Provided you can keep your attention fixed, you will stop your inner
dialogue and lose all sense of time.

deadline," her eyeballs dart off to the other side as she constructs a picture of herself at the kitchen table with her laptop.

Feeling a bit confused? Look at this diagram:

To avoid all confusion, imagine that this diagram is pasted on the forehead of the person you're facing.

Don't worry about the person's left vs. your right; simply look at the diagram as if you were directly facing the other person. (In general, the directions apply to righthanded people, who make up 90% of the population.)

Incidentally, these actions are not the same as the movements your eyeballs make when you look around a room or across a landscapethey are totally independent of the requirements of the ability to see. Your eyeballs serve two purposes: 1) roving about to see what's going on; 2) activating sensory memory channels.

I t's her 40th birthday, and Ingrid has decided to treat herself to an all-inclusive
holiday in Portugal. She's wandering through her neighborhood mall when she discovers a travel agency that she hasn't noticed before. There she meets Sheldon, who
runs the place, and tells him of her exciting plans.

“I just feel I need to get away and pamper myself at long last!” Ingrid says to Sheldon as
she sits down in a chair facing his desk. She smooths out her dress over her knees and
looks down to her right. “I'm under so much pressure at work that I really need to
unwind.” Sighing, she crosses one leg over the other, leans forward and shakes her head
slightly. “The tension at the office is eating me alive.”

Sheldon is delighted. An obvious sale is sitting right there in front of him. He leans
back in his chair, opens ->

When you first begin looking for eye cues, people's eyes may appear to dart about
randomly. All you need is a little practice at reading these movements.

Have fun, let it happen naturally and, above all, never tell anyone what you're doing.
That would, quite rightly, make people self-conscious and embarrassed. Keep these skills
to yourself.

his arms wide, then slaps his hands together sharply and smiles at Ingrid.

“Oh boy,” he says, “have I got the dream vacation for you.” He riffles through a pile of
brochures on his desk. “Just feast your eyes on this!”

He hands Ingrid a colorful brochure plastered with the usual palm trees and bright blue
skies, then continues his pitch without waiting for her reaction:

“Looks fantastic, eh? Check out the color of the water brilliant turquoise! Look at these
cute villas with their redtiled roofs! And cant you just see yourself on that long white
stretch of beach?” He looks up and to his right, just imagining the view.

Ingrid slides back in her chair, her heart sinking. Somehow, despite the gorgeous
pictures in the brochure, despite Sidney's passionate descriptions, Portugal feels farther
away than ever.