How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (11 page)

Metaphors are containers for ideas. They link our internal imagination to external
reality. We use metaphors regularly, often unconsciously, to explain our thinking. We also
use them to make things more interesting. Parables, fables, storytelling and anecdotes are
some of the oldest and most powerful communication tools we have, and their metaphorical
aspects are effective in virtually every setting. They fire up the imagination and appeal
to all the senses.

In short, metaphors help to make understanding easier, quicker and richer.

their wavelength. If you want to better relate to your spouse, win a judge over to your
side of an argument, make that sale, land that job or impress somebody at a party,
recognizing Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people can be invaluable.

The day after one of my seminars, I received an excited phone call from a woman who had
been sitting in the audience. Her name was Barbara, and she owned a flooring store.

“It's incredible!” she said. "It's nine-thirty, we've been open for an hour and I've just
sold to my fifth out of five customers. I've never done that before!

“This is perfect for my business,” she continued, referring to my lecture on figuring out
the Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people we come across in the course of our daily
adventures. "The first four sales were probably normal, even though I was aware of what
I'd learned. But the fifth . . . This lady came into the shop dragging her husband along
with her. It was obvious that he didn't want to be there. I figured out immediately that
he was a feeler, a Kinesthetic, and within 30 seconds I had him on his hands and knees
feeling the carpet. And they bought it.

“I just knew that if I'd said to him, 'Imagine how this will look in your house,' he
couldn't do that because he's not Visual. Or if I'd said, 'You'll discover just how quiet
it'll be when your kids run around on it,' he wouldn't connect to that, either, because he
doesn't think that wayhe's not Auditory. I knew by the way he dressed and moved and spoke
that he was Kinesthetic, so I said, 'Just feel it.' And he did. Just like that. He got
down on the floor and felt it.”

Find out what you're getting. Change what you do until you get what you want. These are
the “F” and “C” in our KFC. Figure out which sense a person relies on most and change your approach to take this into consideration.

If you're not sure how to handle a situation, don't worry. Be prepared to include all
three preferences in your approach. Look good for the Visuals; after all, they make up
over half the people you're likely to see during your day. Sound good; develop your
pleasing tonality for the Auditories to whom you'll be speaking. And be sensitive and
flexible for the Kinesthetic folk you'll be bumping into. And, of course, if you're
dealing with a group, the same thing applies. Your group will be made up of all three
categories, and you'll want to appeal to all of them.

Above all, remember that the ability to tune in to the way other people experience the
world can be one of the most important discoveries of your life.

A few months ago I gave the opening address at a home builders' convention. During my
talk, I used roleplaying (with me playing all the roles) to illustrate some of the
behavioral differences that Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people display in
face-to-face communication. At the end of the talk, a big, tough-looking but wellDespite the good Colombian coffee and fresh croissants, the O'Connors are not enjoying a
very pleasant breakfast.

“It's a bright yellow Maseratii” exclaims John. “It's gorgeous! Can't you just picture
the two of us blazing down the highway to the coast?”

“Actually, I can't,” says Lizzie icily, “All I can hear are the monthly car bills dropping
through our mail slot. I don't think you ever listen when I tell you we have more impor
tant things to spend money on . . .”

John stomps out of the house in a rage, but that evening, after leaving work, he buys a
luxurious, multicolor silk scarf for Lizzie in an attempt to win her over. Arriving home,
he finds her in the living room and hands her the exquisitely wrapped box.

“And what is this for?” Lizzie asks distantly as she removes the scarf from its box.
“What's the occasion?”

“Why, it's just to show how much I love you!” protests John, feeling rejected.

“A scarf doesn't tell me anything!” Lizzie snaps. She walks crisply out of the room.

John slumps down on the couch, slowly winding the expensive scarf around his hand and
tightening it until his fingers throb with pain.

What happened here? John is Visual. He makes sense of the world primarily through what
he sees: the yellow Maserati, his “picture” of them in the car, the multihued scarf.
Lizzie is Auditory. She hears the car bills dropping through the mail slot; she doesn't
think John “listens” when she “tells” him something.

Can this marriage (or at least the hoped-for Maserati
purchase)be saved? You bet. A pair of concert ticketsto Lizzie's favorite band something that appeals to her ears would sound much better to her. Here's how John could have
handled it had he been more sensitive to the way Lizzie hears the world:

“I'm really sorry, Lizzie,” declares John in a soft, pleasant voice (after giving her
the tickets). He proceeds to use some “auditory” words with his wife. “I'll tell you what
let's put some harmony back in this house and talk it through a bit. Does that sound okay
to you?”

Lizzie nods, taking in the suddenly more acceptable words and the meaning they convey.

“Have I told you how the Maserati purrs like a kitten and shifts so quietly you can barely
hear i t ? ” John asks sweetly. “And wait until we discuss the surprisingly reasonable
payments.”

“Oh, I finally see the picture you're painting, John,” says his wife. “It's all so clear
to me now!”

groomed man pulled me to one side. He was very emotional and looked like he was on the
verge of tears. Shaking his head from side to side, he began, “I don't know what to say.
I'm leaving right now to go to my son's school and give him a hug.” He was choking up.
“For years, I've been furious with him. When I talk to him, he turns his head away and
doesn't look at me. It drives me crazy, and I yell at him, 'Look at me when I'm talking!'
He hardly ever looks me straight in the eye when I'm giving him instructions. From
everything you've said, you've made me realize that he's Auditory, and he's not ignoring
me when he looks away. He's turning his ear toward me so he can concentrate. And me, I'm
Visual, I need eye contact.” He pumped my hand and left.

It's amazing. Things like this go on right under our noses every day of our lives and we
never realized until now, that is.

how they respond to you. This chapter deals with picking up the initial cues that other people give us without knowing it. Whether Visual, Auditory or Kinesthetic,

their signals are there for us to interpret and utilize in establishing rapport.

In the question period at the end of one of my seminars, a middle-aged woman in the second row asked slowly, “Do you feel that it's hard to put your finger on what a person's sensory preference is?” This delightful woman wore a big, comfortable knit coat and was twiddling her finger slowly through her hair as she spoke. I thanked her for the question and immediately asked her not to move. Obviously a very good-natured person, she froze in position. “I'm going to ask you to repeat your question in exactly
the same way,” I said to her. “But I want the rest of the audience to observe. Is that
okay?” She nodded, paused and repeated her question, complete with hair twiddling. There
was a collective smile from the other people in the audience as they understood what they
had just witnessed. Then the lady herself looked up toward the top of her head and
chuckled.

Her choice of the words “feel,” “hard” and “put your finger on,” her easy way of speaking,
her comfortable coat, her slightly full figure and her habit of playing with her hair were
quite the giveaways. She had dropped enough clues to give the whole audience a strong
indication as to what this woman's sensory preference might be.

You weren't there, but what sense do you think she most relies on?

You're right on if you said Kinesthetic.

Each group displays subtle differences in physical and mental makeup. These are definitely
not hard-andfast distinctions. They are simply indicators. Visuals, Auditories and
Kinesthetics can come in all shapes and sizes. We are dealing with people here, unique
individuals with unlimited beliefs and values, opinions and talents, shades and sparkles, innuendos and dreams. Each one is different; yet, deep down,
there are fundamental similarities. Find a person who strongly favors one sense in a
number of the areas discussed in this chapter, and chances are that he or she will be
signaling a personal sensory preference.

A quick tip:

Visuals usually talk very fast. Kinesthetics tend to talk slowly. Auditories fall
somewhere in between.

As you become aware of the differences among these three groups of people, Visual,
Auditory and Kinesthetic, what seems subtle at first will become more and more obvious to
you.

Perhaps you've had the experience of buying a new car. Let's say you bought a nifty little
blue Miata. Very unique? Not quite. Suddenly blue Miatas are everywhere. Whereas before
you only noticed them once in a great while, you start to see them all over the place. Of
course, these cars were there all the timethey just held no interest for you.

When you become more accomplished at distinguishing one person from another, the same
thing will happen. The distinctions will reveal themselves before your eyes. And yet
they've been there all the time.

TV talk shows are a great place to brush up on your preference-spotting talents. The late
shows, where everyone tends to overdress, are usually not the best venues for this
exercise. Far better are the interview shows with hosts like Charlie Rose or Larry King or
local talk shows where people are more themselves.

Turn down the volume and try to figure outthrough physical appearance, hand gestures, eye
movements and clothingwhether the person is a V, an A or a K. Then turn up the volume and
listen to the words, the pace of speech and the tonality of the voice.

You can do the same with radio interviews. Concentrate on the words. Radio talk shows are
a mine of information about sensory preferences. You can practice while you're stuck in
traffic.

Take it slowly. Have fun.

Visual people care a lot about how things look. They need to see proof, or evidence,
before they take anything seriously. Being visualizers, they think in pictures and wave
their hands around, sometimes touching their pictures when talking. Pictures come quickly
into their mind's eye, so they think clearly; this makes them the 134 fast talkers among us. Sometimes they are the ones with the monotonous voices. Visuals
frequently look up to the left and right when they speak. When it comes to their wardrobe,
they tend to be snappy, impeccable dressers who put a lot of work into looking good and
surrounding themselves with good-looking stuff. Physically, because they are concerned
with appearances, they aim to be trim and tidy. When they stand and sit, their body and
head will usually be upright.

You will find Visuals working where confident, fast decisions are needed or where specific
procedures are to be followed. They want to have control because they probably have some
kind of vision of how things should be. Manybut definitely not allvisual artists fall into
this category.

Auditory people respond emotionally to the quality of sound. They enjoy the spoken word
and love conversationbut things must sound right for them to tune in and give their
attention. They have fluid, melodic, sensitive, persuasive, expressive voices. “Audis”
move their eyes from side to side as they talk and gesture somewhat less than Visuals; but
when they do, it's from side to side, like their eye movements. When it comes to clothes,
they think they are snappy dressers. They like to make a statement with their clothingand sometimes
they don't quite make it. Physically, they are somewhere in between the trim Visuals and the
comfortable Kinesthetics.

Audis work where words and sound are the currency. Many broadcasters, teachers, lawyers,
counselors and writers are Auditory.

For our sensitive “Kinos,” things have to be solid, well constructed and right-feeling in
order for them to go along. They have lower, easygoing voices and gestures. Some
Kinesthetics have been known to speak unbelievably slowly and add all sorts of
unnecessary details that can drive Visuals and Auditories to the point of wanting to yell, “Please, for heaven's sake, get to the point!” That's just the way many of them are. The fact of
the matter is that it takes longer to put feelings into words than it does to translate
pictures or sounds into words. When they speak, Kinos will look down, toward their
feelings. They enjoy the ways things feel. They like textured clothing with quiet tones.
Any man with permanent facial hair may well be Kinesthetic. You'll find Kinos in
hands-on positions: plumbers, electricians, carpenters, product salespeople and workers
in the arts, medicine and the food business.

Physically, there are two types of Kinos: in one group are the athletes, dancers,
emergency services and trades folk, the superfit types for whom the physicality

This simple technique has proved helpful in determining a person's sensory preference.
Start by asking a couple of nonspecific questions: “Do you live in the city or out in the suburbs?“ followed up, after the response, by ”Do you like it?”