How to Outswim a Shark Without a Snorkel (14 page)

He shrugged. “I only know what I see in the movies,” he admitted, narrowing his eyes. “Who
knows
with you people?”

I went on, keeping my voice low. “I know you're good at…secret stuff,” I said. “I may need your help later, that's all.”

If I ever thought of the perfect sharky plan, that is.

“Do you want to rob a bank?” he asked, sighing dejectedly. “I already promised Mom I wouldn't break the law,” he whined. “I mean, all that money is probably just
sitting
there
.” He raised his fists to the ceiling.

“Whoa,” I said, grabbing his arm. “Calm down. It's not illegal. I'm having a problem with someone, that's all.”

He puffed up again. “A problem? Need me to beat someone up? That's what big brothers are for!” He stood up, tripping over the sheet. “
Let
me
at
him!
”

Sometimes I think he really might be adopted.

“You're not my big brother, Daz. I'm four minutes older than
you
,” I pointed out.

He sniffed. “Yeah, but I'm taller. So…
bigger
.”

“I'll let you know what I decide,” I said. He nodded and slunk back to his room.

Something must be wrong with me. Was I seriously considering getting Daz's help with Ashley? I looked at the small container of no-bake cookies Daz had brought me. I
hated
letting Bella down. And it wouldn't have happened without Ashley being such a sabotaging jerk. Whoever said girls just want to have fun was a total lame-o. The truth? Girls just want to survive until high school.

The common octopus can eject a cloud of black ink to hide itself from predators.

—Animal Wisdom

I called Bella first thing the next morning to beg for her forgiveness. I promised her I'd be her recipe tester until the end of time, even for the scary-looking cookies with weird seeds that didn't have any sugar in them. It was the least I could do, considering how much of a turd I'd been.

She wasn't angry at me, at least not nearly as angry as she should have been. Somehow that made me feel even guiltier. Here I was worried about stupid Ashley, while everyone else seemed to be having loads of fun and making cookies and having normal summer fun.

I didn't have time to figure out a perfect revenge plan for Ashley yet. But I
did
get an e-mail from Liv during the night.

And on the list of things Ana Wasn't Ready For, it was sitting near the top.

Dear Ana,

I've been doing some thinking about our kissing pact, and I think I have an idea! You know that saying, “Luck favors the prepared mind,” right? Ms. Harris had a poster of it in our English class last year. Anyway, I was thinking, this could be the key for us! We have to prepare for our first kiss! I think to get ready we should do the thing we've been talking about doing for six months now. Let's have a leg shaving day! We can shave our legs together and that will show the universe that we're READY to be women! Real women with shaved legs and lipstick and dates! Our first kiss is bound to follow, right? What says “
kiss
me”
like super-smooth legs like those girls on the shaving cream commercial? I bet they get kissed all the time! Plus, this is perfect timing because I'm going out with Leilani this weekend to see a movie and she's bringing this cute guy, Ryan, and I'm wearing an adorable dress and don't want him to think I'm some little kid with hairy legs!

I'll chat with you online tomorrow at exactly 4 p.m., your time. Be ready!

—Liviola xoxoxo

Ugh.

Now,
somehow
I was sitting in my computer chair with a bottle of Nair beside me, waiting for Liv to ding me so we could start our video chat. And believe me, I was S-C-A-R-E-D. I could imagine every single hair on my leg staring up at me, pleading, “Why do you want to cut us all off, Ana?!”

I know.

I'm such a wuss.

But I would seriously rather wrangle an angry crocodile than shave my legs. Razors are freaky! Did you know that the razors in the commercials are supersharp, like a
surgeon's
knife! I don't want a surgeon's knife going anywhere near my legs! One blade is bad enough, but I checked and Mom's razor has
five
all lined up like some demented grin with five rows of teeth. What if I impale myself and have to go to the hospital and end up with a limp or something? Can you imagine what Ashley or the other Sneerers would say? What if I had to have my whole leg amputated?

Plus, once you started shaving your legs, you couldn't quit. I've seen Mom's legs when she goes a few days without shaving hers and believe me it is not pretty. It's like she's part porcupine!

But I decided that Liv was right. If shaving my legs (or Nairing them in my case because heck no to the razors) was going to get me a kiss, then it had to be worth it. I mean, maybe Nairing my legs was what a shark would do too, and therefore the perfect “take charge” idea?

Even though it was terrifying.

Diiiiiinnnnnggggg!

I scrambled for my computer mouse, clicking the “Receive Call” button. Liv's face appeared on the monitor. She was in her bathroom, with her laptop propped up on the sink. Her hair was wrapped up in a towel.

“Hey!” she squealed. “Are you ready? Why aren't you in the bathroom? You're not bailing on me, are you? This is the perfect plan!”

I shook my head. “No, I'm not bailing,” I reassured her. I didn't tell her how freaked I was about razors. Or about losing my leg hair in general. “I'm going to use Nair,” I said. “It's supposed to last longer than shaving, and that way I don't have to use up bathroom time until it's time to wash it off. Daz won't be able to bug me in here,” I said. Everything in my explanation sounded reasonable. I tried to channel my bravest, sharkiest thoughts.

“Oh, gotcha,” she said. “So you want to go at the same time?” Her eyes glimmered with excitement. “I'm so glad we're doing this. Leilani said she started shaving her legs when she was
ten
!” She grabbed the can of shaving cream beside her and squirted some into her palm.

“Ew, why?” I asked, wishing I could take the words back the moment they popped out. I tried not to show Liv how much Leilani annoyed me. Especially considering I had never even
met
her. But still.

She shrugged. “Okay, you go too,” she said, once her leg was lathered up. “This way I can shave while you're waiting for the Nair. How long are you supposed to leave it on?”

I shook the tube and read the label. “It says five to seven minutes,” I said. “Here goes nothing.” I opened the tube and leaned over in my chair, running a thick line up my shin. “It's
cold
,” I muttered.

“Does it smell good? Maybe I'll use some next time,” Liv said.

I took a whiff. “Oof.” My stomach lurched. “It smells like rotting plants! Gross!” Liv giggled as I spread the lotion around on my leg. It was like icing a stinky leg cake. Already my skin was beginning to tingle. As I did, Liv ran the razor from her ankle to her kneecap.

“This feels weird,” she said. “Like tugging on my leg. I think it's working though!” She grinned to me, showing off the missing strip of shaving cream.

I smiled back. Maybe this was okay, the whole shaving thing. Maybe some things should happen whether you were ready for them or not, you know? I wiped the leftover Nair from my hands and set the timer on my computer to ding in exactly five minutes. The tingling on my skin was getting more intense, so it must be working. My hairs were probably dissolving magically under all that goo.

“So…” I ventured. “Do you have a plan for your first kiss yet?” I asked. I didn't tell her that I'd planned an almost-date with Kevin, because I still had hopes I could forget the whole kiss part of it.

When we were younger, we had a pact to eat only things that started with the letter
b
. And like the kiss pact, it was her idea. She lasted two days, and after eating about a zillion bananas, broccoli, and bread, she decided it was a dumb idea. All I had to do was wait it out. Maybe this kiss pact would be the same? If she hadn't had any luck so far, this could be the perfect way out of our pact without me looking like a little kid.

“Yes!” she squealed.

My heart fell as she dipped her razor in the water and took another swipe. “His name is Ryan! He's one of Leilani's friends, and ever since I moved here, he's been super nice to me.” She sighed dreamily. “We're all going to the movies next weekend, so I'm thinking maybe then! It's dark and cozy in those theaters, you know?”

I frowned at my legs. The tingling was getting worse now. I imagined all the tiny hairs, slowly meeting their demise. I wasn't surprised Liv had already met a cute guy, but how could she want to kiss him
already
? I'd known Kevin for
years
and I still didn't feel brave enough to kiss him.

“How about you?” She shaved another clean line up her leg with the razor. “What's the plan for Kevin?”

I peered at the timer on my screen, cringing when I saw I still had three minutes left. This was starting to
hurt
.

“What's the matter?” Liv asked. She moved closer to the screen, inspecting me from a zillion miles away. “You look like you ate some bad eggs!”

I winced. “I think…” I said, leaning down close to my legs. The smell was awful, but that wasn't my only problem. “I think something's wrong with the Nair.” What started as tingling had now morphed into
burning
.

Like fire.

On the surface of the sun.

“Is burning normal? Should it hurt? Ahh, it's
really
stinging now!” I panicked, zipping around my room, trying to get some cool air onto my legs. “
Oww!
”

“I don't know! Maybe you should wipe some off and see!” Liv's eyes were wide. She was still gripping her razor but didn't budge from the screen.

I scrambled for the cool, damp towel that I'd stolen from the bathroom earlier. Swiping at my knee, I felt an instant blast of coolness.

“Oh God, what is
that
?” Liv screeched.

I stared down at my knee. “No, no, no!” I said. The dread in my stomach mixed with the smell of the Nair threatened to make me puke. Angry red bumps stared back at me, covering the entire section of my leg that I'd cleaned off.

I was hairless, all right. But now I was also a
leper
.

“Go take it off! Now, Ana!” Liv yelled. “With water!”

“I gotta go!” I said between clenched teeth. I didn't want to seem like a giant baby here, but
wow
this
hurt
. I beelined for the bathroom and hopped in the tub, turning on the cold water. And because the world can't give me one single, stupid break, Daz burst in the room.

“Hey! I was just coming in here. I have to pee!” He paused, taking in the sight of me standing in the tub in my shorts, frantically clawing at my legs, and the angry, red welts that were sprouting all over them.

“What's all that? Ooh, dude, that looks like a horror movie!” He leaned in excitedly and swiped at some of the Nair on the towel with his fingertip. He sniffed it. “Gah! What is this?! It smells like zombies!”

“Get out of here!” I yelled, then clutched at his shirt sleeve. “Is Mom home?!” I could feel hot tears streaming down my face. It hurt too much to care about. I twisted the faucet to even colder water.

Daz scratched his head, looking worried. “No, she's with the lions. Do you want me to call an ambulance?” His face was serious.

“No!” I screamed. “I don't know! It
kills
!”

Daz dashed from the room, returning a couple minutes later with Dad in tow. “Don't worry! I got Dad!”

“Okay, sweetheart,” Dad said. He gripped under my armpits with his hands. “Let's get you out of here so I can check you over,” Dad said, pulling me toward him. I couldn't remember the last time I wanted my parents so bad.

So much for being tough and taking charge of my life.

I bet there have been zero sharks in history that needed their fathers to save them from Nair attacks.

It took a few minutes to calm me down, but once Dad gave me one of the antiallergy pills from the medicine cabinet, the burning began to calm down.

“You had an allergic reaction,” Dad explained. He handed me a glass of cold lemonade. “Did you talk to your mother about using Nair on your legs? I think she's allergic too,” he said.

Well,
that
information might have been nice before I slathered it all over myself.

I shook my head. “Liv and I wanted to do it together,” I said. I didn't tell him about our kiss pact (hello, he's my
dad
and how embarrassing would that be?), but I did tell him that it was Liv's idea and that I was simply trying to avoid using his razor, which was sort of a white lie, but partly true, right?

“Ana,” he said sternly. “I know she's your best friend. But what works for her might not always work for you, and that's okay. And next time, talk to your mother or me if you want to try some weird product.” He sniffed the air. “That stuff
stinks
, kiddo.”

I swallowed hard. Sometimes I didn't get parents. Usually, Mom and Dad are always going on about me doing things that I'm afraid of, like presenting in front of people and trying to eat artichokes for the first time. They say it's
good
to do things that you aren't ready for, right? It meant you were brave or fighting against your fears.

Or something.

Now I was getting lectured to not try new things without running it by them? Couldn't they make up their minds?

“On the upside,” Dad said, his face breaking into a smile, “at least we know Daz isn't allergic.”

“Huh?” he asked, plunking down beside us with his own lemonade. A strip of his eyebrow, right at the edge of his left eye, was missing.

Dad wrapped his arm around Daz, who squirmed under the weight. “Did you touch some of the Nair, Daz? And then touch your face perhaps?” His shoulders shook with laughter.

I giggled as Daz checked out his reflection in the toaster. A smear of Nair was still streaked by his temple, beside the missing half of his eyebrow.

“Aww,
man
,” he said, wiping the cream with his sleeve.

“You look like a Picasso painting!” I yelled, pointing at him. “Bahahaha!” I toppled over beside Dad. Okay, so the allergic reaction totally sucked, but Daz losing his eyebrow? Pretty much made this whole thing worth it.

“Wait till your mother hears this one,” Dad said, and shook his head with fake pity.