How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (28 page)

Has someone implied that you are abusive? If this implication has a kernel of truth to it, do you want to change? In order to heal from the wounds of the past, you need to face the fact that your past was painful. After this acknowledgement, seek to understand the painful impact those wounds have had on your relationships, both past and present. At this point you can courageously choose to face the areas in your life that need healing, or you can refuse to do so and remain a victim of your past—and continue to make others a victim of your past as well.

If you choose the path of healing, cling to these words:

“Heal me, O L
ORD
, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise”

(J
EREMIAH
17:14).

Evaluate your childhood. What were your relationships like during your preschool years? During your years in school? During your adolescence? What feelings do you remember? Were you usually sad, glad, mad, scared? The list below may help you to remember.

•
I experienced some type of abuse from one or both of my parents.

•
I felt “different” as a child.

•
I felt belittled or bullied by my schoolmates.

•
I stuffed my emotions.

•
I learned my parents’ ways of maintaining control.

•
I didn’t have a safe place to express my feelings.

•
I thought that “my normal” was normal—but it wasn’t.

•
I never dealt with my underlying feelings of anger.

•
I never developed sensitivity to the feelings of others.

Can you relate to this statement by the psalmist?

“I was overcome by trouble and sorrow”

(P
SALM
116:3).

As children, those who become abusers usually felt singled out. They felt that they were different in at least several of these areas:

•
Too short or too tall

•
Too fat or too thin

•
Too dark or too light (skin color)

•
Physical features too large (nose, ears, feet)

•
Physical features undesirable (freckles, acne, teeth, hair color)

•
Athletically challenged (awkward or uncoordinated)

•
Academically challenged (mentally slow, LD, ADD, or ADHD)

•
Physically challenged (disability, poor eyesight, hearing problem, or speech difficulties)

Do you recognize the truth in these words of Jesus?

“Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?”

(M
ATTHEW
6:27
NKJV
).

Not all children who experience abuse become abusers; however,
most abusers have been abused
in one way or another. This raises the question: Why do some children become abusers while others do not? Certain factors predispose future abusers to make particular choices about how they respond to their experiences. One thing they all have in common: Each young spirit was crushed by heartache. The Bible says,

“Heartache crushes the spirit”

(P
ROVERBS
15:13).

— The child is willful and assertive.

— The child is confident and forceful.

— The child lacks compassion and empathy for others.

— The child exerts power and control over peers.

— The child is aggressive and impulsive.

— The child is competent and secure.

— The child has an inflated ego and a sense of entitlement.

— The child is competitive and dominates relationships.

— The child experiences some form of abuse within the home.

— The child spends excessive, unsupervised hours watching violent TV programs and sitcoms laced with sarcasm.

— The child forms the belief that being mean to others is the best form of self-protection.

— The child is unable to express anger and frustration safely at home.

All children are affected by abusive treatment. Some take the path of succumbing to abuse and defining themselves by the negativity of that abuse. Others take the path of rising above the abuse and defining themselves by positive, character-building values.

“As for the deeds of men—by the word of your lips
I have kept myself from the ways of the violent.
My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not slipped”

(P
SALM
17:4-5).

Many people wonder,
Why did I have to travel down this path of abuse?
You might not know the exact answer for some time. Or, you might never know the full answer, but you
can
know that as long as you continue to entrust your life to the Lord, He will direct your path each step of the way. Through Him, you can be an
overcomer
. You can be more than a conqueror over the abuse that now defeats you.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors
through him who loved us”

(R
OMANS
8:37).

— Children
internalize
abusive experiences.

— Children
blame
themselves for the abuse.

— Children
feel
deserving of abuse.

— Children
seek out
abusers who look strong.

— Children
remain
victims of abusers.

— Children
internalize
abusive experiences.

— Children
blame
others for the abuse.

— Children
feel
that others are deserving of abuse.

— Children
seek out
the weak in order to look strong.

— Children
become
abusers.

— Children initially internalize their abusive experiences, but later
externalize
them.

— Children initially blame themselves or others for the abuse, but later
forgive
all involved in the abuse—including themselves.

— Children initially feel deserving of abuse, but later
feel
deserving of loving, trusting relationships.

— Children initially seek out abusers or victims, but later
seek out
well-adjusted people.

— Children initially remain victims or become abusers, but later reject both roles and
become
emotionally healthy.

Truly, the path to overcoming is through Christ:

“Thanks be to God!
He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
15:57).

Staying in Abusive Relationships

Q
UESTION
:
“Why do people who are being abused continue to stay in abusive relationships?”

A
NSWER
:
One major reason is fear. Isaiah 21:4 says, “My heart falters, fear makes me tremble.” Abusers can use fear as a powerful weapon to control another person. One effective strategy they use to instill fear is to communicate demeaning messages, such as verbal threats that warn of physical harm. Another tactic for creating fear is to leave or to withdraw emotional support.

Ultimately, the resulting fear is that of not having the three basic needs met—the needs for love, significance, and security.
¹⁷
Yet the Lord wants us to turn from fear to faith and to trust Him to meet our deepest needs.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the L
ORD
is kept safe”

(P
ROVERBS
29:25).

Healthy relationships are those in which the people involved have a clearly defined sense of their own identities. Without a clear understanding of who we are and of the worth God has given us, it is hard to maintain functional, ongoing relationships that enrich everyone involved. A relationship will not always be smooth, but it can provide a safe, trusting environment in which there is no fear of intimacy and where each person knows how to communicate personal needs and desires to the other.

Unhealthy relationships generally reflect an inability to understand and work within appropriate boundaries. Because unhealthy boundaries are almost always the result of being raised in some variation of a dysfunctional family, the likelihood that children raised in such families will develop healthy boundaries without some form of direct intervention is minimal.

The pain that children experience from not having their God-given needs for love, significance, and security
¹⁸
met in childhood carries over into each subsequent relationship—in which they are likely to expect or insist that these needs be met, often in illegitimate or abusive ways.

Sadly, abusive fathers fail to take to heart this admonition of Scripture:

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children;
instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”

(E
PHESIANS
6:4).

“I am responsible for the way others treat me. I deserve to be mistreated because, at my very core, I am a bad person. Therefore, bad things should happen to me. If I would just be a better person, people would treat me better. I don’t have a choice about being mistreated. I must be doing something wrong or I wouldn’t be treated this way. If I just try harder to do what is expected, I can make things better. If I can’t, maybe I deserve to be unhappy.”

“I realize that I have been living a lie, believing that I am to blame for being mistreated and believing that my happiness will come from a human relationship. I have a choice about how I respond to anyone who mistreats me. I don’t want to have a false loyalty to anyone who abuses me. Nor do I want to have the false expectation that if I can just change, the abuse will stop. I will no longer live for the approval of others; instead, I will rely on the Lord to meet my inner needs. My value and worth come from Him alone, and He loves me unconditionally. Only the Lord can meet all my needs.”

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?
Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men,
I would not be a servant of Christ”

(G
ALATIANS
1:10).

“I am not responsible for the way I treat others; they are to blame. If people wouldn’t make me mad, I wouldn’t treat them badly. They are the ones who should change, not me. There’s nothing wrong with me. People just need to accept me the way I am.”

“I realize that I am responsible for the way I respond to others. No one
deserves to be mistreated. No matter how people act toward me, how I act toward them is my choice. If I have given my heart to Jesus, then God has given me the power, through His Holy Spirit within me, to treat everyone with love and respect. I don’t need to try to control people because God is in control, and He is the only one who can meet my deepest needs.” This right belief is based on the exhortation to