How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (60 page)

•
God redeemed you.

•
God adopted you.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”

(1 J
OHN
3:1).

Setting Boundaries Without Risk

Q
UESTION
:
“I know that I need to leave my abusive husband and establish boundaries with him. But how do I present the boundaries to him without putting myself at risk?”

A
NSWER
:
What’s vitally important is
what
you say and
how
you say it (with compassionate strength). At a time when your relationship is stable and peaceful, approach your mate. If you do not feel safe approaching him alone, ask someone you both respect to be present.

Tell your mate…

•
“I love you and want our marriage to work.”

•
“If we could have the best relationship possible, would you want it?”

•
“Just as there are penalties for crossing boundary lines in sports, there are penalties for crossing boundary lines in marriage. And you’ve crossed a boundary line in our marriage.”

•
“I absolutely will not live with an abusive person. Therefore, I have decided to leave and take the children with me.”

•
“Ultimately,
you
will decide whether we reconcile our marriage.”

•
“I will know what your decision is by your actions toward me.”

•
“If you really want us to live together again as husband and wife, I will know by the respect you show me and by the way you treat me.”

•
“You have the power to make or break our marriage through your actions.
The choice is yours
.”

You must carefully think about what you say, and then you must follow through with the consequences you establish. In this manner you will avoid the way of wives who are not wise:

“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways”

(P
ROVERBS
14:8).

Battles on the home turf can turn into a full-scale war when an abused spouse chooses to leave. It is vital that you surround yourself with an army of people who will support and help protect you, as well as devote the necessary time to make critical preparations (legally, financially, etc.) for independent living.

Recognize and understand that threats of harm can escalate when an abusive husband realizes his wife is finally going to take decisive action. That is why comprehensive preparation as well as support and help from friends, family, counselors, pastors, and even legal authorities are desperately needed.
Never attempt to leave an abusive husband by yourself
.

Above all, seek refuge in the arms of your Deliverer, asking Him to guide and protect you as you attempt to march away from the war zone.

“Praise be to the L
ORD
my Rock,
who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.
He is my loving God and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield,
in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me”

(P
SALM
144:1-2).

Violent outbursts can occur at any time. A violent spouse may enter a blind rage when he discovers a different dynamic in the relationship. He begins to fear losing control of you and losing the family. The greatest danger
comes when a husband learns his wife has intentions of leaving. A person who is wise will have prepared for the worst by having a safety plan for leaving.

“A prudent [person] sees danger and takes refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it”

(P
ROVERBS
22:3).

As you prepare your strategies for safety…
⁴³

Create a list of phone numbers you may need for emergencies.

— Local emergency number (for example, 9-1-1)

— Local police

— Women’s shelter

— County Registry of Protective Orders

— Salvation Army

— Work number

— Employer’s/supervisor’s home number

— Church number

— Minister’s home number

— Hotline for domestic violence

— Friends

Pray to God…

“Keep me, O L
ORD
, from the hands of the wicked”

(P
SALM
140:4).

Share the seriousness of your situation with trustworthy people.

— Ask whether you could stay with them at a moment’s notice if the need were to arise.

— Ask trusted neighbors to call the police if they hear screams or hitting.

— Select a code word or phrase (such as
blue eggs
) or a signal (turning on a certain light) to use as a signal for your neighborhood friends and family to call the police.

— Store a bag of extra clothing and money at a confidant’s house.

— Talk with a doctor or nurse about the violence. (Ask the doctor or nurse to take photographs of your injuries and to document the abuse in your medical records.)

— Contact a local shelter to discuss your options and ask them to help you devise a safety plan.

Pray to God…

“Blessed is he who has regard for the weak;
the L
ORD
delivers him in times of trouble”

(P
SALM
41:1).

Plan an escape route.

— Identify which emergency exits you can use (doors, windows, elevator, stairwell) and practice getting out safely.

— If an argument begins, move away from any room containing potential weapons (such as the kitchen).

— Move to a room that has an exit (not a bathroom, a closet, or a small space where the abuser could trap you).

— Rehearse your escape plan with your children.

“Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm”

(P
ROVERBS
4:26).

Teach your children safety secrets.

— Teach your children not to get into the middle of a fight, even if they want to help you.

— Teach them to stay out of the kitchen (away from knives).

— Teach them how to give your address and phone number.

— Teach them how to call the police.

— Teach them who to call for help.

— Teach them how to quickly and quietly escape (through a back door or a window).

— Teach them when to escape (such as when violence erupts or when they feel threatened).

— Teach them where to go for safety.

“Through knowledge the righteous escape”

(P
ROVERBS
11:9).

Place physical evidence of violence with a trusted confidant or in a safety deposit box.

— Documentation of physical injuries to you and your children

— Pictures of damaged property (such as broken furniture, doors, and walls)

— A log of the abuse by date and event

— Physical evidence of your mate’s threats from letters and e-mails, voice mail, text messages, and answering machine messages

“They do not realize that I remember all their evil deeds.
Their sins engulf them; they are always before me”

(H
OSEA
7:2).

Identify essential or meaningful items you can gather quickly (but remember safety must be your first concern).

— Address book

— Children’s favorite toys and blankets

— Medicines

— Pictures

— Sentimental items

— Your personal pets

“Gather up your belongings to leave the land,
you who live under siege”

(J
EREMIAH
10:17).

Keep important papers and documents easily accessible and together in one place (and remember that everything on this list can be replaced).

— Bank books, money, credit cards

— Birth certificates

— Current unpaid bills

— Deeds and other legal records (lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book)

— Divorce papers

— Driver’s license and registration

— Family medical records

— Insurance papers (health, car, house)

— Passport, green card, visa, work permit

— Protective order/restraining order (keep with you at all times)

— School records (K-12)

— College diploma

— Social Security cards

— Welfare identification

— Résumé

— Transcripts of children in college

— SAT/ACT scores

“Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning”

(P
ROVERBS
14:33).

Cover your bases before leaving.

— Accumulate some emergency cash and keep it hidden or give it to a confidant for safekeeping.

— Transfer important digital files to external media and then delete them from the computer.

— Hide an extra set of car keys (also house and office keys).

— Open a checking and/or savings account in your name.

— Cancel any shared bank accounts or credit cards.

— Change passwords to online accounts that you’ll need to access.

— Open a post office box in your name.

— Put aside jewelry, silver, or other valuables that your husband would not miss and that could be quickly sold for cash.

“If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you”

(P
ROVERBS
9:12).

Restraining Order and God’s Will

Q
UESTION
:
“If I get a restraining order, am I going against the will of God as stated in 1 Corinthians 6:1,7?” (“If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints?… Why not rather be cheated?”)

A
NSWER
:
No, the context of 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 is this: Avoid looking to nonbelievers to settle a dispute that is taking place between believers.

•
The purpose of a restraining order is not to settle a dispute regarding unjust harm or loss, but rather to obtain protection
from
unjust harm or loss—possibly even loss of life.

•
The intent of a restraining order is to protect people from physical harm, not to settle a dispute between Christians.

•
God established through Moses the civil court system to handle problems between the people of God.

•
We are called by God to submit to the civil authorities, and domestic violence is against both the civil law and the law of God.

“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities,
for there is no authority except that which God has established.
The authorities that exist have been established by God.
Consequently, he who rebels against the authority
is rebelling against what God has instituted,
and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves”

(R
OMANS
13:1-2).

Even if you, as an abused wife, no longer live under the same roof with your husband, you may still find yourself vulnerable to harm. While an abuser may find it more challenging to inflict harm after you leave the home, there are some abusers who are relentless in their pursuit for revenge.

Safety can be a constant challenge for you whether alone or in a crowd, at home or at work, in a subway or in a car. There is comfort to be found behind locked doors and bolted windows, but those aren’t available in public places. So how do you live without fear and a sense of constant vulnerability?

Thankfully, you can take steps toward safety that can help reduce the risk of further abuse. But never fail to remember that the Lord God Almighty, not your abusive husband, is sovereign over your life. Seek refuge in Him.