How to Rope a Real Man (24 page)

She stood and wiped the grit off her knees. “Everybody messes up sometimes. That’s what saying sorry was invented for.”

She kissed the top of his head and watched him walk through the front door. After a fortifying breath, she turned and marched to the SUV, then slid onto the passenger seat.

She still had no idea what to say to Matt. Better to stick with the basics, like she’d told Tommy. “I’m sorry.”

He swallowed. “Carson is Tommy’s father. That’s why you lied about Tommy’s age to him. Because you never told him he was a father and you were trying to lie your way out of telling him tonight.”

So he had figured it out, and from the accusing tone with which he’d said it, he’d already made up his mind about what that truth said about Jenna.

“Yes.”

Matt shook his head and cursed under his breath. “You said Tommy’s father was out of the picture. You said he was a deadbeat dad.”

“I never said that. You did.”

“Yes, I did. And you didn’t correct me. That’s a lie of omission, Jenna. But still another lie in your long list of them. How do you live with yourself, lying to everyone like you have?”

She poked her tongue against her cheek. He wasn’t giving her an inch. “Every lie I’ve told, I’ve had a reason for it.”

“Oh, please. Give me a break. You robbed Carson of Tommy’s first five years. You robbed him of his chance to watch his son grow up.”

She pressed her hands together and met Matt’s furious glare. “It’s a lot more complicated than that.” She’d tried to say it with a steady, confident voice, but the words had come out like a plea.

“Do you have any idea what I’d give to father a child? I’ve tried bargaining with God. I’ve seen every male fertility specialist out there. I’ve done everything humanly possible to become a father and you . . . you robbed a man of fatherhood. Blatantly. Callously. I can’t think of a more despicable betrayal.”

He started to tremble, as if his emotions were getting the better of him.

Silent tears streamed over her cheeks as she stared out the window. She didn’t have the energy to fight with him or defend herself. There was nothing to say. He’d made up his mind. Besides, nothing mattered now except Tommy. Carson was going to figure out the truth, if someone in the diner hadn’t told him already. He was smart. He’d put two and two together. She probably only had a matter of minutes to pack a bag, get Tommy in the car, and flee.

Matt was still ranting. “What is it—you’re a compulsive liar? Is that your M.O.? You haven’t told Rachel or Amy the truth about your school or new career or that you’re leaving town next week. You didn’t tell Carson he was a father. You lied to me about last Sunday night. What else haven’t you told me? How am I supposed to trust you?”

“I don’t know, Matt. I guess you can’t.”

He huffed. “You have a responsibility to let Carson be a part of his son’s life. He could sue you for full custody and he’d have a pretty airtight case. You understand that, right? You could lose Tommy over this. You have to start working to make this right, whatever it takes.”

Her stomach heaved. She hadn’t thought about that angle before and it filled her with a fresh urgency to run. Through the kitchen window, she saw Tommy sitting at the table, the Popsicle held up to his mouth. She reopened the car door. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t my intention. Please know that. I have to go take care of Tommy. Are you coming in?” She knew the answer would be no, but she wasn’t sure what else to say.

“No. I can’t do this. I can’t be with someone who treats fatherhood like it’s expendable.”

She figured that was coming, but it still brought fresh tears to her eyes. She sat half in and half out of the car, her hand on the door, and watched Tommy’s silhouette. All she’d wanted was to be a family with Matt and Tommy, and it stole her breath how bad the timing of Carson’s return had been. If only she’d had a few more months to build a stronger foundation with Matt, maybe they would’ve had a chance of weathering this storm.

She’d give it one last try to explain. Maybe Matt was done with his tantrum and was finally ready to listen. “The situation with Carson is complicated. I’d like the chance to explain it to you.”

“No, it’s not complicated. Carson deserves a chance to know his son, and I’m sure as hell not going to get in the middle of it. That wouldn’t be fair to Carson and it’d be too confusing for Tommy. Did you know he already asked me if I’d be his dad?”

Jenna shoved aside the turbulent feelings that discovery evoked in her. She’d have to process that later, when the events of tonight weren’t so raw. “What makes you so sure Carson wants to be a dad to Tommy?”

“Come on, Jenna. He’s not the deadbeat you led us all to believe. He at least deserves the chance to decide for himself what his role in Tommy’s life will be without you making that choice for him.”

Stupid her for opening her mouth to reason with him. That was about as constructive as reasoning with Carson had been. Neither man was the least bit interested in hearing her side of the story. Both were self-pitying fools who only saw their own struggles reflected in her. But she couldn’t waste energy worrying about Matt’s feelings any more than she needed to worry about Carson’s. She had enough on her plate without being their scapegoat.

She didn’t need to be judged like this. She’d trusted him with her true self, like she had with Carson. Neither of them had handled her trust with care. They threw her faults back in her face and saw despicableness instead of just a girl trying to get by the best way she knew how. Was she really so unlovable that even the people who claimed to care about her thought the worst about her on the turn of a dime?

Feeling thin and brittle, she stood, shut the car door, and swiped at her tears before leaning in through the window. “It’s a good thing we’re breaking up because I can’t be with someone so judgmental that they drop me the first time they get a real good look at my flaws.” She braced her hands against the lip of the open window. “I’m sorry my scars are so much more repulsive than yours. You ought to take Carson out for a beer tonight. You two can commiserate about what a horrible person I am.”

“You’re not a horrible person.”

Gee, thanks.
Numbly, she moved toward her front door. A little boy could only be left in the house alone for so long and, besides, she needed to kick her act into gear to get them packed and on the road before she risked Carson showing up.

“Jenna . . .” Matt’s tone was gruff and demanding, not regretful.

She had no intention of turning around. If he wanted to talk to her more, he could chase her into the house. She held her breath, every cell of her body praying for the sound of the car engine turning off, his door opening, and his footsteps on the walk. For him to fight for her.

The only sound was his engine purring, then the wheels crunching over gravel as he turned his SUV around and drove away.

Numbly, she watched the taillights of his SUV fade into the night, then roused herself with a sniff and a shake of her arms. She found Tommy on the floor of his bedroom playing with superhero action figures, his cheeks puffed and his brows furrowed as he made sound effects to add to the battle he was staging.

“Hey, buddy. Thanks for playing so good while Matt and I talked.”

“Where is he?”

She stroked his hair. “He had to go home.”

Tommy’s shoulders dropped. “I wanted him to sing me the cowboy song before bed.”

She gave him a big mama-bear hug, holding on tight until he’d had enough and squirmed away from her. “Let’s get you in your jammies and ready for bed.”

A good, honest mom would probably tell her child that they’d be leaving home that night, but Jenna couldn’t bring herself to. Because then he’d perk right up and either start whining and fussing or asking a million questions.

It would be so much more efficient and easier on both of them if she waited for him to fall asleep, then carried him to the car. He was a deep sleeper and probably wouldn’t wake up until she’d gotten them wherever they ended up going. Plus, a silent, drama-free drive would help her settle her mind and think clearly about her next move. What was one more little lie on top of all the others she’d propagated?

She laid Tommy’s pajamas on his bed and left him to dress himself. Impatient and twitchy with pent-up energy, she jammed her textbooks, notebooks, flashcards, and study material in her knapsack.

The first thing she should do with the pay from her new job was get them both in therapy, especially if Carson threw Tommy’s world out of orbit by wanting to be a father to him. Hell, Jenna should’ve been in therapy her whole life, now that she thought about it. She always felt well adjusted and normal until she stopped to give it serious thought. Or until someone like Matt or Carson reminded her that she couldn’t escape the legacy left by the hurt, neglected child she’d been.

She sucked it up good for Tommy and was damn proud of the mother she’d grown into, but someday, she wanted to be able to relate to other people in the easy, natural way everyone else seemed to. She wanted to trust and be worthy of trust enough to build a life with a man. She didn’t want to be alone forever, which meant she needed to start fixing herself. Just as soon as she handled the situation with Carson and got her and Tommy settled in Santa Fe.

She set the knapsack by the front door, then jogged to the bathroom and spread toothpaste on Tommy’s brush. She got him started with that, then dragged a suitcase from the bottom of the coat closet into the living room and overturned a basket of clean laundry into it.

The door squeaked open. Jenna’s heart dropped to her knees for about the millionth time that night. In her haste, she’d forgotten to lock the door.
Please don’t be Carson.

Only after Jenna composed her features did she turn to see who it was. Rachel. Jenna released a shaky exhale of relief.

Rachel closed the door behind her, her eyes wide with concern. “What in the hell is going on?” She caught sight of the suitcase and her eyes got even bigger. She opened her mouth like she was going to give Jenna a piece of her mind.

Jenna waved her hands in front of her and tipped her head in the direction of Tommy’s bedroom. “I’ll tell you everything, I swear. But not yet. I’ve got to get Tommy to sleep. It’s way past his bedtime.” Frightening, how easily the lies were rolling off her tongue now. In for a penny, in for a pound, she supposed. But it still freaked her out how unscrupulous she could be when her back was against the wall.

Rachel gestured to the suitcase. “Where are you going?”

Jenna had no idea. A motel in Albuquerque, Carrie’s apartment—anywhere but Catcher Creek. She dropped jackets onto the clothes in the suitcase, flipped the lid over them, and pressed her knees on it so she could zip it closed. “I don’t know yet. But we can’t stay here.”

Rachel’s consternation morphed into concern. Jenna didn’t have time for concern. She had maybe twenty minutes until Carson showed up demanding answers or wreaking vengeance or both.

Pressing her lips together, Jenna listened for the sound of teeth brushing to make sure Tommy was doing what he was supposed to, then turned her focus back to packing. The clack of boot heels preceded Rachel’s figure looming over her. She took hold of Jenna’s arms near her armpits and hauled her to standing. “Whoa, there. Look at me, Jenna. Are you okay?”

It was the first time she’d stopped moving long enough that she could think past the whir of bright panic inside her. Fresh tears crowded her eyes as she released the air in her lungs with a series of dry, quiet laughs and sagged into Rachel’s hands. Holy fuck, what had she gotten herself into? And what in the hell was she going to do to fix things now?

“No. Not at all.”

“Tell me how running is going to solve anything.”

“It’s not, long term, anyway. But I can’t deal with this tonight by myself.”

Rachel drew herself up tall, her eyes glinting with big sister protectiveness. “You’re not by yourself. You have me. I’ll stay with you all night, okay? If Carson comes, we’ll deal with him together.”

So she’d put it all together about Carson, as Jenna expected everyone at the café had. Sure, Rachel had vowed to stand by Jenna’s side, but would she still once she’d learned the truth about how Jenna had deceived her? Matt had called Jenna a pathological liar. Boy, was he right.

Even worse than the painful truth in his assessment was the dawning realization that the security she’d felt by keeping her secrets locked tight inside her had been an illusion. All she’d succeeded in doing was systematically alienating the people who meant the most to her. She might as well bite the bullet and alienate Rachel tonight, too, as seemed inevitable.

“We need to talk.”

Rachel nodded. “Let’s get Tommy to bed first.”

Working together, they got Tommy in bed. He got sad again when he remembered how he’d wanted Matt to sing to him. Jenna tried, but her mind drew a blank on the words and melody of “The Cowboy Lullaby,” despite that she’d heard him signing it to Tommy on Wednesday night. Rachel saved bedtime by whistling one of the songs she often whistled to Tommy when they ran the tractor together, which pacified him enough that he yawned and seemed to accept that it was time to close his eyes and go to sleep.

They crept out of his room and shut his door, then tiptoed to the kitchen.

Jenna cracked the top of a soda, while Rachel found the bottle of whiskey she kept in the pantry. They settled with their drinks at the small, round yellow-topped Formica table Rachel had found at a yard sale a few years back. Jenna wouldn’t call herself calm, exactly, but with Rachel there with her, her panic had dimmed considerably.

Rachel rolled a sip of whiskey around her teeth before swallowing it. “Carson is Tommy’s daddy, isn’t he?”

Jenna decided right then and there that she wasn’t going to tell a single lie anymore, especially not to her sister. If people took issue with the choices she’d made, then they could go to hell. “Yes.”

Rachel nodded. “You’re going to need to give me an iron-tight reason for why you kept this from him. Any man deserves to know he’s a father.”

“Not the first time you’ve lectured me about that, okay?” During Jenna’s pregnancy and Tommy’s first year of life, Jenna and Rachel had gone round and round about Jenna’s refusal to name the father. But Jenna had known from the get-go that the safest course of action was to not share her secret with a single soul. Telling the truth took the power out of her hands and that was unacceptable where Tommy’s safety was concerned.

“Fair enough, but all this time, I hoped Tommy was conceived in a one-night stand with some rodeo cowboy whose last name and phone number you didn’t catch—or an older, married man. Someone who you had a real, honest-to-God reason to keep in the dark about him being Tommy’s father. Not another kid like you.

“I mean, goddamn, Carson’s in the military. You and Tommy could’ve been taken care of. We’re talking medical benefits and child support. And Tommy could’ve known his daddy. He would’ve had grandparents in town to help you, so you explain to me how what you did isn’t as cruel as it seems.”

Jenna regretted a lot of things in her life, but her conscience was clear when it came to keeping Carson’s parents away from Tommy or not using Carson for the benefits and money he would’ve provided. “I’ll explain everything as soon as you stop throwing stones at me.”

Rachel took another sip of whiskey. “All right. Go ahead.”

Jenna stretched her chin up toward the ceiling, collecting her thoughts. Then she met Rachel’s skeptical expression and started in on the whole, sordid truth. “Carson and I were best friends, but we weren’t lovers. Then one night, a couple weeks before high school graduation, we slept together. Like, an experiment.”

“An experiment? What do you mean by that?”

She swallowed. To tell or not to tell . . .

Screw it. Carson had already paraded through downtown Catcher Creek with his shirt off. “We had sex because he thought he might be gay and he was scared and confused about it. We were so high that night, so damn out of our minds and stupid and young, we decided that sleeping together might help him decide.”

“And you didn’t use a condom because . . .” Leave it to Rachel to zero in on the terrible choice rather than Carson’s sexual identity.

Jenna set her soda can on the table a little too hard. “Because, I don’t know. Take your pick of any ignorant teenage excuse that helps you make your peace with what happened—we didn’t have a condom, I figured a gay guy couldn’t get me pregnant, and he pulled out at the end, so that’s like using birth control.”

“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yep.”

“So, then, how long was it after that before you found out you were pregnant? If that happened two weeks before graduation, and you told me, what, a month after graduation, then six weeks passed before you figured it out?”

“Thereabouts.”

Rachel drained the last of the finger of whiskey she’d poured. She seemed to be getting agitated all over again, but there was nothing Jenna could do now about stupid choices she’d made six years earlier.

“You did some nasty shit to your body in those six weeks,” Rachel said. “I remember the night after graduation, you were passed out in Vaughn’s patrol car. It took both of us to get you into the house and you slept it off for nearly twenty-four hours straight. You better thank your lucky stars Tommy’s okay, medically and developmentally.”

“Do you think I haven’t thought about that or that I haven’t been saying prayers of thanks since the day he was born healthy and normal? I’m not perfect. Not even close and I never claimed to be. I’m having a real shitty week, Rachel, and you busting out with one of your patented lectures isn’t helping any. I’m telling you all this so you’ll understand why I made the choices I did.”

“I still don’t get why you didn’t tell Carson.”

“I was getting to that. That summer, before I found out I was pregnant, Carson was beat up. Badly. He almost died from the injuries.”

Rachel gave a cringe of disbelief. “I don’t remember that.”

“Nobody does because Carson’s parents covered it up. They didn’t go to the police. And they didn’t take Carson to the hospital. All they did was call one of his aunts who was a nurse to come to their house and patch him up.”

“That’s crazy. Why wouldn’t they?”

“Because it was a hate crime, Rach. Bucky Schultz, Kyle Kopec, and Lance Davies beat him up because they found out he was gay. Carson’s parents knew that and they didn’t want the town finding out the truth about their son. Are those the kind of grandparents you’d want in Tommy’s life?”

She could see the wheels turning in Rachel’s head. Rachel wasn’t naïve in any sense of the word, but she took people at face value and probably couldn’t comprehend the type of evil that fueled that kind of hateful violence or Carson’s parents’ reaction. “If what you say is true, then Lou and Patricia Parrish are as guilty of a crime as the men who beat up Carson. But I know you and I know Carson being gay isn’t the reason you didn’t tell him he was a father.”

Mark the date and time. Someone was assuming the best of her instead of the worst. Would miracles never cease? “Of course his sexuality wouldn’t have mattered to me. The problem was, I only found out what happened to Carson because he confronted me.”

Holding tightly to her soda can, she did her best to explain to Rachel about the fury and accusations Carson had lobbed on her that day. How he’d blamed her for what happened, then threatened her. How he’d refused to name the boys who’d hurt him. And how he’d vowed to return to Catcher Creek someday, bigger and stronger, to wreak vengeance on those who’d wronged him.

“And then he left. He left town that night and I never heard from him again,” Jenna continued. Rachel listened with rapt attention, her second finger of whiskey ignored. “There I was, alone with the knowledge that there were people in this town who hated Carson because of his sexuality so much that they’d tried to beat him to death. I’ve seen guilt on the faces of every man and boy in this town since that day, and a couple weeks later, when I found out I was pregnant with Carson’s baby, I didn’t know what to do.

“If I’d have wanted to tell Carson, it would’ve had to have been through his family, and I’ve never stopped hating them for what they did to him. Worse than that, if word got around town that Carson had a son, who’s to say those same men who hurt him wouldn’t have lashed out at Tommy and me, or even our farm?”

Somewhere along the retelling of the story, Rachel’s expression had changed to one of outrage at what had been allowed to happen to Carson coupled with acceptance of how Jenna had handled things. “You couldn’t take that chance.”

“Exactly.”

“I wish you would’ve told me all this back then,” Rachel said. “I hate thinking you were carrying that burden alone.”

Reaching across the table, Jenna squeezed Rachel’s arm and offered a melancholy smile. “You carried plenty of burdens alone over the years, so you know as well as I do all the reasons we tell ourselves why we can’t share our heavy loads with the people we love.”

Rachel covered Jenna’s hand with hers. “That’s the truth, but I wish it could’ve been different.”

“What’s done is done. I knew someday Carson would be back. Especially after word reached us that he’d joined the Marines, getting bigger and stronger, just as he’d threatened to. I was hoping Tommy and I would be long gone by the time he returned.”

“Long gone?”

Time for more secret sharing. Jenna withdrew her hand from Rachel’s grasp and wiggled the tab of her soda can. “It’s always been my plan to leave as soon as I had the skills and job to sustain Tommy and myself.”

“Where would you go? Santa Fe, with Matt?”

Tears sprang to her eyes at the mention of his name. “Not with Matt. Not now. And anyhow, you taught me not to rely on others, especially men, for my salvation—only myself. I will be going to Santa Fe, but on my terms, standing on my own two feet.”

“What will you do there?”

Jenna popped the soda tab off and pressed the sharp edge against the pad of her finger. This was it. The other moment beside Carson’s return that she’d been dreading for years. “There’s something else I haven’t told you. Something big.”

Rachel threw up her arms and stood. “Goddamn, Jenna. You always were the one to give me gray hair. You got any ice cream here? I need to indulge in some stress eating.”

“Only chocolate fudge Popsicles.”

“Good enough. You want one, too?”

“No, thanks.”

From the freezer, Rachel withdrew a fudge bar and returned to her seat. “Let me get a head start before you drop your other news on me.”

Jenna waited until she had the plastic wrapper off and a few good licks in before she started talking again. She’d mentally prepared for this moment over and over again, but now, under the weight of Carson’s return and Matt’s rejection, the urge to protect herself and Tommy eclipsed any delicacy with which she might have previously broached the topic. She was done with explaining herself. All she wanted was to pack Tommy up and get the hell out of Catcher Creek.

Good riddance.

“I’ve been going to college at the University of New Mexico to earn a degree in computer engineering.”

Rachel choked on her ice cream, spluttering chocolate-colored spit on the table. “You what?”

“College. Me. At UNM.”

Rachel set the fudge bar on the Formica, then gripped the edge of the table with both hands. “How long has that been going on?” Each word was measured precisely and said in a tone of great strain.

“Four years. I graduate next month.”

Jenna wasn’t sure she’d ever heard Rachel spew that many curse words in a row. She leapt from her seat and gaped at Jenna with crazy eyes. “What the hell, Jenna? Are you serious?”

“Yes. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I just . . . I don’t know why I didn’t. Not really.” She could make all kinds of excuses like how she hadn’t wanted to add to Rachel’s financial or emotional burden or that she’d had low self-esteem and if she failed, she didn’t want anyone to know, but those were only superficial reasons—and Jenna was done lying. Even lies of omission. “I liked it being a secret. It was something that was for me alone. Besides that, going to college was so wrapped up in the reasons I wanted to leave Catcher Creek, with Carson being Tommy’s father, that I couldn’t separate them in my mind.”