How to Save a Life (22 page)

I knew the answer, Hannah wasn’t here so there was absolutely no reason for me to be.

I saw my dad release an impatient sigh as he turned around to re-enter his house.

It felt weird stepping back over the threshold, but looking around it was as if I had never left. Absolutely nothing had changed, he even still had it the same as it was when my ma was still alive. That was how opposed to change my father was, which just further reiterated my confusion with the shop.

I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my worn out jeans and saw that my dad had taken up his usual seat in his old La-Z-Boy recliner. “What happened to the shop?" I muttered half underneath my breath.

“Boy, sit your ass down," his voice boomed throughout the living room. I had forgotten just how loud my father’s voice had projected.

I took my hands out of my pockets and let my arms hang down my side as my shoulders slumped forward. I was time warped right back into tenth grade whenever my father got mad at me for sneaking out. I said that I didn’t get in trouble much growing up even though I snuck out…

All. The. Time.

You just had to know how to
not
get caught. The one time I did, I felt that backlash weeks later as I was grounded for that long.

Most kids got their electronics taken away, but I wasn’t much on modern day devices. No, I got my toolbox taken away. My father knew exactly how to sock-it to me where it counted the most.

I did as my father instructed and planted my ass on the old couch that my mother had picked out during my freshman year of high school. I remembered it had been that long because this was, in fact, the same couch that I had lost my virginity on that summer. Memories that weren’t necessarily good ones now though.

I rested my forearms on my knees and leaned forward, trying to somewhat brace myself for what was going to come next.

Just looking at my dad, I could tell that he’s aged a great deal in the three and a half years it’s been since I’ve seen him. His hair was thinning out and the gray was much more prominent than it had been. He had even lost quite a bit of weight, he actually looked quite fit, not frail like I would’ve pictured since he has lost some weight. But it was his eyes that held the most change, he didn’t really look all that sad. There was almost the twinkle back in his eyes that he had lost after my mother passed away. He almost looked…happy, content, satisfied even.

“You’ve met someone," I said looking him directly in his eyes. I almost missed the small flutter of guilt pass over him.

“I was about to say the same thing to you, son," he looked down at his lap, where he had one foot resting across his other knee. “Mike, it really has been too long."

And that was all it took for my proverbial dam of emotions to break. For the next three hours, he told me all about how he sold Jameson Auto because it had just become too much for just himself and he couldn’t trust anyone to do exceptional work on vehicles since I had left. So he retired and took up running, which I really got a kick out of because my father was never really much of a runner, but now that explained the toned look and his weight loss. Then he told me of meeting Sandra, she was a few years younger than him, and it turned out she was also my Sophomore English Teacher. Remembering back to when I had Mrs. Westmore, I always thought that she was a looker, for a somewhat older woman of course, so I didn’t give my dad too hard of a time. It also helped that he told me that no one could ever replace his first and only true love; my mother, but he really enjoyed Sandra’s company.

“Now that I’ve done all of the talking, it’s your turn to spill. What the hell have you been up to and what is her name?"

I gave him a true, honest grin.

“You know it’s nice to see you smiling again," I saw a tear form in the crease of my father’s eye, I had never seen him cry very often, so it really took me aback. “You weren’t the only one who lost someone, Mike. I lost my only grandchild and then six months later your mother, and during all of that time, I lost you as well. When you went through the depression, I never thought you would come out of it, I was so worried about you. I tried and tried for you to get help, but you didn’t hear me, you wouldn’t. The underlying guilt of everything totally took over everything. You drank your way through those six months and I’m really sorry to say this, but I’m surprised it didn’t kill you."

“I know, dad. So many times I thought about killing myself so I could be with Hannah, but I knew that she ultimately wouldn’t want that. One day it was like a switch, as hard to believe as that is. I just woke up and knew that I had to start over, although I really didn’t start anything over. I just moved to Brown County and threw myself into several different things, but keeping to myself the majority of the time. I’m a drummer in a band, we play a few gigs every now and again. I also work on cars on the side, and I became a paramedic. I now know that my mission in life is to save lives."

I looked up at my dad and seeing the pride written all over his face was exactly the reaction that I had missed seeing from him. I knew that I was doing something right in my life now.

“Now, that answers one part of my question, what about the other?"

I had tried my damnedest to not mention Sheridan, but I could tell that my father wasn’t going to let this go.

I swallowed past the lump that had formed in my throat at the thought of Sheridan and my hasty decision to leave her behind with only a bus ticket to get herself back to Brown County. That wasn’t me, that wasn’t the man that I was. I almost felt ashamed to tell him what I had done, but just her deceit did me in.

“Her name is Sheridan and I love her. But I just found out purely by accident that she has been hiding a son from me. She knew my standpoint on not having any more children, so she just lied to me by not telling me." I went on to tell him how I met Sheridan and about her past and our friendship. That she was the first woman that I had let into my life and my heart since Erin and Hannah. How she cracked through my shell and taught me how to love again.

“So let me get this straight, you left her with a bus ticket back to Brown County because you found out that she had a son? But you also said that she’s had to change her last name because she is running from an ex-boyfriend? And also that you never knew where she was from until you went to take her to the hospital?"

“I still don’t know where she is from, her parents had moved to a different town after she had moved out of her house after high school, but yes that’s the gist of it."

He rested his hand up underneath his chin in a movement that I always used to call his thinking stance. “I don’t know the whole story but it seems to me that she hid her son from you because she was hiding her son from everyone. She has basically been continuously running from a horrible man, so she didn’t mention her son because she was trying to keep
him
safe. You are just like your momma, boy, always jumping to conclusions."

I gave him a snort, my way of a dismissive laugh, he was talking about my ma and I was going to begin to get defensive. He pointed to my facial expression and chuckled, “See what I mean, again you just jumped to some imaginary conclusion. You didn’t take the time to find out what I meant, you instantly were ready to react and attack. I didn’t mean anything bad by being just like your mother, but it’s true, she was never one to be patient and always jumped to conclusions." He stood from his recliner and came over to have a seat next to me on the couch.

“You know you said that your mission in life was to save lives because you couldn’t save Hannah’s?" I looked down at my hands that I had clasped in front of me and swallowed loudly and nodded my head. “I believe this Sheridan has saved your life as well, don’t you?"

I sat there just letting his words seep in. I never really thought of it that way, but I supposed he was right. Who knew what kind of path I was ultimately leading myself down? I still had the occasional drink, but it wasn’t as profusely as before my move, so I wasn’t too concerned with major depression again, but who could predict those instances? Without Sheridan, who knew if I would’ve actually ever let someone else in? And as much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was completely one hundred percent correct in the aspect of me jumping to conclusions. I immediately get up on my haunches and retaliate, asking questions later which wasn’t any way to live my life.

But now I’ve gone off on Sheridan and told her to get out of my home and more or less my life. Would she completely move out of Brown County? What could I do to make it right?

“Don’t think I don’t see those wheels turning in your head. You may have to wait awhile for wounds to settle and heal a little, but when the time comes you’ll know what to do to make things right with her."

Now it was time for me to think about the other hindrance, her son.

“How could I ever replace Hannah though? I don’t know if I have it in my heart to be a father to Benjamin." I knew that Sheridan was no longer able to have children, everything made sense now. How she skirted around different topics and the constant phone calls with her mom. Who knew if I’ll ever have the chance to know the entire story?

“Now Mike, whoever told you that you had to replace Hannah? Did Sheridan?"

“Well, no."

“There is absolutely no replacing her. She will continue to hold a special place in your heart, same as she does mine. But that doesn’t mean that you should completely shut yourself out to the idea of having more kids. Do you remember how much joy she brought you and how much fun you used to have together? Why would you want to deny yourself that joy again? You said that Hannah wouldn’t have wanted you to kill yourself just so you could be with her, don’t you think that she would want you to have more kids so you could have that again?"

He stood up and walked to the fireplace where a picture of Hannah and I together was perched on the mantle and removed it from its place. Holding it in his hand, he smiled at her chubby little face. I remembered the day that picture was taken very well, it was the same day she gave me my hat; my birthday. She wanted to help me blow out my candles and thought it’d be funny to smear icing all over my face, so I did the same to her. My mom was all about taking pictures and she didn’t hesitate in snapping our icing clad faces, capturing that special memory.

“Son, I knew that for you being a father was the best thing in the world and you were amazing at it, I mean look who you had for a role model." That little joke caused me to lift up a corner of my mouth in a small grin, but it also accomplished lightening the mood in the room a little. And in all honesty, I had two exceptional role models and I was so thankful for them, which reiterated another reason why I had been such a dick to stay away all these years.

I really needed to do some thinking about if I would actually be able to open my heart up for another child.

“Bottom line, I know you blame yourself since you weren’t there for Hannah, but Erin should have. I really want to say that it was no one’s fault, but I believe in my heart that if Erin was in a better place then she would’ve fought hell and earth for your little girl."

I ended up spending a few days with my father, it was nice to catch up on old times and I even got to see him interact with Sandra. I had called Brock in the meantime and gave him somewhat of a vague explanation as to what was going on without giving away too many details. It wasn’t anyone else’s business but mine and Sheridan’s. But he was there to check on Sadie if Sheridan really did take my eviction to heart.

I was thinking back to the last thing my dad told me before I left his house. The screen door was propped open on his arm as he stood there watching me walk down the sidewalk towards my truck. He hollered out causing me to stop and listen, “When you get her back be sure to bring by the woman who brought my son back to life so I can properly thank her."

I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that so I just shook my head and kept on following the sidewalk towards my truck.

Walking into my house, Sadie immediately met me at the door and was jumping with excitement to see me after a few days. I had no way of knowing whether Sheridan had come and gone, but the atmosphere within my home seemed different.

I made it as far as the living room before I looked down at my chocolate lab and crouched down on my haunches to rub her head, “Where is Sheridan, Sadie Belle?" Even her nickname had stuck with me.

She immediately began whining and whimpering leading me to Sheridan’s closed bedroom door. She sat down and lifted a paw to scratch on the wooden door and then leaned forward and sniffed at the gap underneath it.

My heart was racing because Sadie had never really acted like this before, so I didn’t know what to expect when I turned the brass knob. The bed was completely made and the top of the dresser was completely free of any of Sheridan’s belongings. It looked as if she had never even been here.

I rushed out of her room and across the hall stopping at the doorframe to the bathroom. Without even switching the light on, I could tell all of her hair products that had cluttered my countertop were removed.