How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (11 page)

The most extrovert and, generally speaking, the most noble of signs, which can sometimes come across as arrogant. They tend to be big-hearted and magnanimous, but never like to settle down. They live life to the full and in style. They like well-cut clothes that demand attention. They like the bold and the beautiful and tend to radiate confidence. They are the magnets in a room. But don’t push your luck as the roar is best avoided.

Symbol
Virgin

Ruling planet
Mercury

Element
Earth

No go with
Libra, Leo, Aquarius, Aries

Fond of frequent changes, yet at the same time they are methodical and thorough. They can wear the most revealing number one minute, the primmest thing the next. They are a mass of contradiction – keen to save money and get rich, only then to spend it as fast as possible. But underneath all this bravado there is a deep-buried sentimental soul.

Symbol
Balancing scales

Ruling planet
Venus

Element
Air

Best to avoid
Pisces, Taurus, Virgo and Scorpio

This sign has a fertile imagination and does well in the creative industry. They value peace and friendship and are renowned for being level headed. They tend to be beauty-conscious and look (the females, that is) their most alluring in dresses as these set off their flirtatious and graceful charm.

Symbol
Scorpion

Ruling planet
Mars

Element
Water

Clash with
Aries, Gemini, Libra and Sagittarius

These are demanding, high-maintenance creatures who tend to prefer to crush rather than move obstacles. That said, if you ignore the sting in the tail this is a very sexy sign, and they are very keen to show this off. They are adventurous dressers, yet are happiest in black and well-structured looks. They are volatile and volcanic, and at the same time intoxicating. Think the Addams Family meets Jessica Rabbit.

Symbol
Archer

Ruling planet
Jupiter

Element
Fire

Steer clear of
Scorpio, Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer

A fiery independent sign that does not follow fashion; they would rather create it. They are the trailblazers. They are not afraid to experiment, and are boldly passionate and full of fun. You can never predict what ‘look’ this sign will turn up in, but whatever they do it will be an adventure.

Symbol
Goat

Ruling planet
Saturn

Element
Earth

Don’t go with
Aquarius, Gemini, Leo, Virgo

This sign likes to dress casually – until it’s time to shine in the spotlight. They can sometimes come across as aloof but really they are big worriers. They like classical and sophisticated styles for romantic evenings and take some dragging out of their shell.

Symbol
Water bearer

Ruling Planet
Saturn

Element
Air

Bad news with
Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Virgo

They love to dress unconventionally for that ‘shock’ value and look sensational in dark colours, geometric patterns and asymmetric cuts. They can be wild and unpredictable one minute and meek and mild the next. They have a tendency to overlook the obvious, but can charm their way out of trouble.

Symbol
Fish

Ruling planet
Jupiter

Element
Water

Complete catastrophe with
Aries, Leo, Libra, Aquarius

An agile sign with exceptional decisive power, a gift for sales time. They like clothes that reflect their personality. For them clothes are an extension of their sensitive and compassionate soul. They are unfazed by trends and favour instead old faithfuls. They are the sign that loves a good handbag above all else.

How to impress the in-laws

You might actually be blessed with lovely in-laws, but even the loveliest will initially question whether you are good enough for their precious baby. Most will subject you to a trial by fire to prove your worth.

On a first meeting with the prospective in-laws
never
attempt to cook – unless of course you are a famous celebrity chef.

Choose (with the guidance of your beloved) a favourite restaurant, try not to go anywhere too flashy. That will make you look irresponsible with money. Assume they will be nervous too.

First impressions matter.

Even if corsets and bondage are the height of fashion, save them for another occasion. The Hooker Look may instantly get the dad on side; a ‘high-fashion’ label win over the trend-conscious sister, the matron/schoolteacher with string of pearls, the mother. But don’t dress for them. You have to be yourself (albeit toned down). Instead of vampy nails go clean, and consider giving your Wonderbra a day off.

Know some current affairs, be up to date on all soap operas, and scan national newspapers for a week before so you have general knowledge of world events.

Likewise, learn all the dramas of your beloved’s family dynasty: divorces, births, deaths and marriages, as well as family feuds.

Keep your mobile OFF.

You will be nervous so it could go to your head dangerously fast. Be responsible but not a kill-joy.

Rebuff father if he dares make any naughty advances; politely, yet firmly, put him in his place with something like, ‘Oh cheeky, just shows how young-looking your WIFE is . . .’ Also take a good hard look at the father, as this is the wrinkly version of what you may end up with. As before, slapping someone in the face or throwing wine over them won’t help with the harmonious unity of the families.

As with a job interview, know answers for the following frequently asked questions:

How did you meet?

Do you like children? Want any? Have any?

Are you planning on getting married?

Are you a gold-digger?

Have you got a criminal record?

Do you moonlight as a pole-dancer?

It is generally wise to steer clear of subjects such as:

Bikini-waxing horror stories.

Exes and lurid one-night stands.

Debauchery and favourite swear words.

Showing where your latest tattoo is going.

Keep on the positive side and stay with topics like:

How much you like the restaurant. Proof that you are not anorexic.

How much you like living in London or wherever. Proof that you are not suddenly going to elope to Alaska.

How much you love being with whoever. Refrain from using pet names in public, particularly in front of either set of parents; it is nauseating.

Touch on where you grew up, studied, your family. Paint an idyllic picture of family bliss and wholesome education, aka Brady Bunch. Leave expulsion stories and so forth for later.

Emphasise your own career, that you are your own person, with your own aspirations, and how they complement his. This shows you are independent, intelligent and an asset to the relationship and their family.

Talk about home purchase and investments. This shows you appreciate the cost of living and are not the gold-digging hussy they dread.

Get the parents on side, get the blessing and the engagement ring and wedding planning will improve. And if you think things are going badly for you watch
Meet the Parents
and you will feel heaps better.

How to rebuff unwanted advances

Obviously when one is young and lovely, and has a magnetic personality one will receive many unwanted advances.

Bizarrely the less attention you pay someone, the more persistent they become.

A swift short sharp rebuff MUST come sooner rather than later.

Never make fun of a love-struck fool because one day it could be you.

Treat as you wish to be treated, and never date out of sympathy.

Tempting as it is to keep your options open, don’t give false hope and don’t be a tease.

Hard as it is, you have to be honest. There is no nice way to let someone down. ‘Let’s just be friends’ or ‘I value our friendship too much to have a relationship with you’ are cowardly, inexcusable and, frankly, insulting. Unless you mean it, and then you have to be cruel to be kind.

Always do the deed face to face or, if they are likely to be completely hysterical and irrational, on the telephone. Talk it through. Dumping someone via text or email is pathetic.

The direct approach is definitely favoured by Vivienne Westwood. Bella Freud witnessed her classy rebuff. In a club a man who used to hold a torch for Vivienne came bounding over, but she just lifted her arms in the air and drew a circle around herself. When asked what she was doing, she replied, ‘I am rubbing you out, sir.’ Beat that.

Remember: from Jane Austen to
When Harry Met Sally
, the fact that men and women cannot simply be ‘just friends’, has been amply illustrated.

How to dance and decline with etiquette

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,’ wrote Jane Austen, in
Pride and Prejudice
, in 1813. True before, true then, true today.

It should, however, also be written: ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good heel, must be in want of a dance partner.’

Thanks to fashion and the modern world, the gentleman with his top hat, white tie and tails ready to whisk you off your feet has become somewhat extinct. But should the situation arise you need to know how to deal with it.

Dancing is a way to show off your finest assets. Like a presenter on the shopping channel, you have the duration of one track (averaging three minutes) to show off and sell the merchandise. So no pressure. Always have a mini routine in mind.

General dancing tips, be it disco or ballroom are:

1
   Stand facing your partner. If you don’t have a partner do the first number solo and aim to find one.

2
   Make eye contact. This is key, as you can assess in a moment whether they actually know how to dance and will be able to take the pressure off you. Depending on the tempo and genre of music you have several options, whether to wiggle, hold hands, and so on. You may have to try out a lot of dance partners, but view it like finding the perfect fit of jeans or shoes. You have to go through a lot of ‘nearlys’ and ‘not quite rights’ before you find perfect harmony and happiness.

Remember dancing is 10 per cent skill, and 90 per cent confidence.

Always have icons in mind. Icons don’t fall (over).

Men should aspire to Fred Astaire, John Travolta and Gene Kelly.

Women should think Ginger Rogers, Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé Knowles, and a sexy pole-dancer.

Dutch courage is often necessary but do the maths first. Where are you? Who are you with?

Is there anyone you want/need to impress?

Anyone who you work with there?

How many staircases are in the club?

Where did you leave your coat?

How dance-friendly is your bag and your look?

Above all: what shoes are you wearing? It is crucial to calculate the shoe-to-alcohol ratio.

A few basic tips to keep you in time

Invest in VH1 and MTV – watch the videos and learn.

Doing the Time Warp or Birdie Song will never EVER look cool.

If you lack coordination shimmy on the sidelines.

If you really want to dance, wear shoes you can dance in. Never go barefoot – unless on a private beach – too many hazards, such as broken glass, to avoid.

Take lessons, and don’t be shy; you have to learn to drive, so what is the shame in learning to dance?

Do not neglect the classics in your studies. Just as in music and art, you have at least to nod to the masters to know how it’s done. Fred and Ginger films should be issued on DVD as mandatory.

Decline with etiquette

Just as we are no longer in corsets it is now somewhat easier to decline a dance without totally wounding someone. Dance cards may have been abolished, but do not let the polite panache of courtship go with it.

If a hip-shaking Lothario shimmies over and starts to dance with you, it’s good manners to endure a split second to assess whether this is friend or foe. Then, either turn firmly away, with a smile, or perhaps do the opposite.

Quick get-aways include:

Sudden and extreme dehydration. An urgent call of nature can’t be argued with.

‘Oh my GOD! My top has JUST gone out of fashion, must dash.’

A sudden need to find a missing friend; or you have just spotted your long-lost fiancé over on the other side of the room.

‘Sorry, dancing JUST gone off trend – gotta fly.’

You urgently need to call your office – in New York. Thank God the way he grabbed you, reminded you.

Your heel has suddenly twinged; it’s about to snap. Curses.

All are highly effective and plausible, but develop your own and keep them a closely guarded secret.

Nights in can become essential research evenings. Watching in your leotard try
Fame
or
Flashdance
for frenetic moves, any Fred and Ginger or
Singin’ in the Rain
for tapping tips,
Strictly Ballroom
for your waltzing and
Dirty Dancing
for your wooing.