How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (47 page)

How to pick up speed

If you are in an automatic this is very straightforward: if you want to go faster, put your foot down harder on the accelerator pedal. In a manual there is a bit more involved.

First gear is for pulling out of your space, setting off, traffic lights, stopping at junctions and severe stop-start frustrating traffic.

Second gear is when you are getting going, for roundabouts, corners and changing CDs.

Third gear is for normal motoring speed, cruising, trips to the supermarket, rambling village lanes and about town.

Fourth gear is for the open road, for putting your foot down and going for it on the motorway.

Fifth gear is a slight wrist-push down and up, and then you are racing along the motorway. Stay in this gear when you think you are going to miss your flight/wedding.

Knowing what gear is appropriate should be easy; if you can decide what gear to wear you can certainly work out what gear to drive in.

Also, always use the indicators to show the other motorists what you are doing and where you are heading, especially when moving at speed; they cannot be expected to be mind readers. The only time when it might, and only might, be okay to skip signals is if you are being chased by a villain; but in this instance drive carefully, and head straight to the nearest police station.

How to outsmart fellow motorists

There is a definite difference between a ‘safe superior’ driver and the ‘arrogant aggressive’ driver. Safety and wit are the two crucial skills a driver needs to possess. There is something strange that happens to people once they get behind the wheel; do not let this evil streak take you over nor terrify you. You need to outmanoeuvre rather than outsmart other drivers, so have a few quick reactions up your sleeve. The trick here is to know the rules better than everyone else and play him or her to your advantage. Drive with the law and the Highway Code behind you and you can rule the road.

Don’t let another driver intimidate you.

All cars, and all drivers have equal rights on the road, and all took the same test to get there – no one is ‘better’, or has an unwritten priority, however much buses and bicycles blatantly ignore this and treat the roads as if they had exclusive ownership. They don’t. This rule of course does not apply to emergency vehicles; if you see the flashing lights and hear the siren, it is the law to get out of the way and let them pass. Do not be bullied into doing 50mph in a 30mph zone even if they insist on snuffling up your behind and driving so close that you can see the whites of their eyes. Continue driving; you can accelerate slightly, if you feel like it, but do not believe for one moment that they have more of a claim than you.

Do not get road rage; if you are being goaded by some wally, put a calming CD on, loudly, and ignore the troublemaker’s taunts. You’ll waste more time if you do stop, and my goodness they might even pick a fight, so ignore it, don’t argue and if it is getting dangerous, let them pass. Animal.

Red light etiquette

Red means stop. This is a universal rule. There is also no advantage in ‘revving’ your car; what do you really achieve? You waste petrol. But if you have to beat the cocky git who has pulled up alongside, are you ready?

Shake your gear into first, apply the handbrake and as quietly as possible find the biting point so that you are ready to burn the rubber off the beep alongside. Do not,
do not
take your eyes off the light – do not blink for a second, and the moment it changes GO! Speed through and beat them, but almost immediately, a few metres after victory, slow and they will most likely pass you.

This way you get rid of them, and also beat them, but so can’t be bothered to chip a nail over their childish games. The alternative way is to look over, bat your eyes, then turn disdainfully away and apply a flash of lip-gloss, as if to say, ‘So not even going to bother with you.’ Chic.

How to know the rules of the road

If you have passed your theory test and you have got your licence, chances are you already have some grasp of the Highway Code, but a rule book should always be close to hand, as should the user manual of the car and the logbook.

Always wear a seatbelt and never drive with more people than you have seatbelts in your car.

NEVER drink and drive; the same applies for drugs, excessive tiredness or emotional distress.

Always have enough petrol to get to your destination, or the nearest petrol station, and keep your car up to date with its MOTs, just as you do yourself. ‘Don’t drive like you own the road – drive like you own the car,’ advises
www.teendriving.com
.

The MOT checklist (as advised by the RAC) is:

1
   
Lights:
Front and rear headlamps, are they all working?

2
   
Steering and suspension-control, shock absorbers and rear suspension:
Get them checked.

3
   
Tyres and wheels:
All there and got the correct tread (8mm) and in good condition?

4
   
Brakes:
ABS (anti-skid) as well as all the regulars – they all have to work, well – and any worries, get them checked.

5
   
Seatbelts:
Essential.

6
   
General:
Horn, mirrors, fuel system, registration plates, fluffy dice and so on. Get a professional to check, they know what to look for.

How to pay the London congestion charge

If you are driving into London, first work out if you are going to pass through Central London and need to pay the congestion charge. Is it less hassle to get a cab or tube it?

You should be aware of passing over the perimeters of the charge zones that operate in London between 7 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. If you enter one of these zones you will drive over large red ‘C’s painted on the road.

If you are really organised you can drive to a petrol station, garage or newsagent to pay the charge and get the lottery-ticket-looking receipt. If you do not have time to stop, or forget, there is always the internet. If you log onto
www.cclondon.com
you can, through a series of clicks, pay the charge; all you need to know is the date, the vehicle registration, and a credit card number.

The trick is not to forget to pay the toll. And remember the advertised fee is only applicable if you manage to make contact with somewhere to pay it before 10 p.m. After 10 p.m. it goes up, and then if you go to bed without logging payment you can receive a fine of up to eight times more in the post, regardless of the fact that you were too ill or too on an aeroplane to pay. There are no extenuating circumstances, so you have to beat them at their own game and log on before 10 p.m., or else you really should have got a cab there and back.

How to deal with car mechanics

You can learn how to pop a bonnet open, fill a car up with petrol, but anything more adventurous you should leave to the experts. You do not want to meddle with mechanics, just as you shouldn’t cut your own fringe. Rumour has it you should be able to change the oil, but why would you want to be lying under a car, unscrewing the large bolt, letting the oil drain into a shallow pan and then screwing the bolt back on – tightly – sometimes even using a bolt grip, and then locating the oil filter which is somewhere near the engine under the bonnet? You have to know how to use a wrench to free the lid and add the fresh oil that could ruin your clothes if it gets in contact with them. Far far easier to ask a mechanic.

Take your car to a garage, explain very simply what you want, i.e. ‘I want to change the oil,’ and leave it to them.

The best way to deal with mechanics is to keep it straightforward and simple; do not waffle or engage in engine chit-chat or you could lose your vehicle to the garage for days. Know what you are asking for. Remember that this is the type of person who has topless calendar girls up on the wall, whilst you can appreciate the finer things in life. Take pains to avoid any double-entendre associations with any of the tasks you have in mind for them or else you only have yourself to blame.

Try to use a family-run firm, or one that your family go to, or a large reputable chain, to avoid the lecherous comments and the cowboys.

When going to the garage it is a jeans, T-shirt and trainers moment, no point tottering in on heels as they will have already mentally undressed you; and try to turn a deaf ear to any lewd or patronising comments. If you cannot, bite back in your specialist language, and threaten them with fashion. No doubt this will completely baffle them.

It is preferable to keep them on side, as that way they will also take pity on you and do the jobs that you probably could do, should you have the inclination, which you don’t. One such job is refilling the fluid that cleans the windscreen. You can follow the instructions in the owner’s manual if you want, but it’s far easier when getting your car serviced, which you should do every 10,000 to 12,000 miles, to bat your eyes and ask the nice man if he can do it to save you getting muddled under the bonnet.

Any real problems and nowadays it is the car itself that will tell you what is wrong: most have internal computers that bleep when something is out of gas, out of battery or malfunctioning. It will also tell you off if you don’t put your seatbelt on or forget to take the handbrake off.

How to change a flat tyre – part one

When a tyre blows you have to deal with it there and then. A blow is an immediate pop/bang that you will hear, whereas a slow puncture is a little hole that will gradually lose air and the tyre will get softer and softer then go flat. Either way you can’t drive far like that.

Keep an eye on your tyres and give them the odd kick to check how perky they are. If they feel soft try to drive them to a tyre shop before it’s at the crucial stage when you have to perform the op. Tyres can be changed by a professional while you wait; they can check the treads while you have a cup of tea in the waiting room.

If you are halfway up a mountain you will have to improvise. Call the AA or RAC or whatever emergency breakdown service you are with. How quickly can they come to a girl stranded, vulnerable, in a car by herself? You should be a top-of-the-list priority; lay the whole damsel in distress thing on thick. Ask for an ETA and see if there is a nice coffee shop within eye range; if not, it is an in-car karaoke sing-along.

If you are halfway up a mountain in a country where you don’t speak the language you will need a mobile phone signal, a phrase book or lots of gesticulations. Call the hire company that lent you this dud and ask them to translate or get over to you pronto as you try and negotiate language barriers as well as car language barriers.

If help doesn’t appear to be forthcoming, and there really is no knight in shining armour galloping towards you over the horizon, roll your sleeves up, take off your designer jacket and deal with it yourself. All the tools to change a tyre should be in the car, and with any luck the user manual will let you know what and where you are looking.

How to change a flat tyre – part two

Okay, we were trying to avoid this, but time to make the best of a bad situation. Hazard lights on, emergency brake on, and place a heavy object wedged up against the good tyres.

Look in the boot and check there is a tyre that is worth swapping with.

Ease off the hubcap, and see if you can unscrew or at least loosen one of the nuts with your gadgets. Can you? No point even grappling with a jack if you cannot shift these.

At times like these you really need to hope that you have good upper body strength.

Take off any clothing you don’t want grease on.

Take out the lug wrench, jack and spare tyre. Careful, you can get very mucky doing this.

Loosen nuts, turning them clockwise if the lug has an L on it and left (anti-clockwise) if it has an R on it. Do not remove – just loosen.

Now comes the jack – the car needs to be raised before you take off the nuts (screws). Put jack on ground next to flat tyre, under car frame, under something structural – so that you don’t damage a weak bit of the frame. You then pump up the jack. Never ever go under a car when supported only by a jack.

Once it is jacked up take the screws off, and swap tyres. Position new one, and hold in place with lug bolts, then rescrew. Retighten and rescrew, lower jack, replace hubcap and pat yourself on the back.

Then, when you have composed yourself, drive the car straight to the nearest garage to get a fresh tyre and things really tightly screwed on by an electric tool.

How to tow or be towed

Ideally this will not ever happen to you. But perhaps you were on an idyllic holiday and the car got stuck in the mud – you need to pull it out. You should leave the fast lane and certainly not travel any great distance. Are you sure your Ford KA can cope with towing a horse box or caravan? Be sensible.

If you tow a small trailer without brakes, the weight has to be less than 50 per cent of the kerb weight of your car. Before you start, check the tread and state of the tyres, as they will take all the extra strain. Reverse up to a trailer, or if towing, attach strong guy rope and do your best Girl Guide knots. Allow for the extra weight and length when manoeuvring, and let traffic overtake you.

If towing a breakdown, get them to put hazards on and write sign saying ON TOW to have in their back window so as not to scare motorists. And finally, before you set off, see if it wouldn’t be better to wait for the AA/RAC.

How to reverse-park with style

The idea is to park with the kerb in sight. If getting out of the car kerb-side, you should be able to step from the car straight to the pavement. Ignore all taunts from unhelpful backseat drivers; everyone has their own technique and everyone parks in their own sweet time. When you see the space that is for you, pull alongside it. Brake and indicate, so you have claimed it as yours. Then put the car into reverse. If there is a car behind you this will show them what is about to happen and they need to back off and let you do this. Do not let them rush you or else you might scrape the paintwork of the car parallel to yours. With your rear bumper at the same level as the car in front of the space you are about to park in, turn the steering wheel hard to the left (this is assuming you are driving on the left and parking on the left – flip reverse for other side).