Huckleberry Harvest (32 page)

Noah glanced up at the threatening sky and filled his lungs with the crisp air. A thunderstorm was rolling in from the west, sure as you’re born. Good thing Yost had finished the roof yesterday. The Helmuths wouldn’t need to worry about a leaky roof, and Noah wouldn’t have to worry about Mandy breaking her neck.

He put Yost’s suitcase in the trunk. “Have you got the money and the letter for Mamm?”

Yost nodded. “I still don’t feel good about taking half the roof money. You did most of the work.”

“It wouldn’t have gotten finished without you.”

“Me and Mandy.”

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to keep her on the ground,” Noah said. “At least she won’t have a reason to get on the roof again.”

Yost smirked. “She was only up there those three days. And I kept a close eye.”

“It’s a real blessing that you came into town when you did. For more reasons than one.”

Yost slung his arm around Noah’s neck. “Don’t forget the reason I came into town.”

Noah ignored the stab of pain right between his ribs. “I should have written to you myself a long time ago.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I guess I was afraid you wouldn’t come.”
You don’t want to let people into your life. You’d rather run away.

Noah clenched his teeth. If he could just get Mandy out of his head, he’d be able to think more clearly.

Yost put his other arm around Noah, and they squeezed the wind out of each other. “Is it ever going to change, Noah? Will Dat stop drinking? Will we ever be able to come back?”

Noah pinched his eyes shut. Dat was never going to change. And Noah would give his life over to his dat because he couldn’t risk giving it over to anybody else. Trusting your heart to another person hurt too much. He didn’t need or want it.

“He’s not drinking as much as three years ago. It’s been better lately.”

Yost grunted derisively. “Better? I was at the hospital, Noah. Is that what ‘better’ looks like?”

Noah turned his face from his brother. He pictured his dat, pale and delirious, lying in that hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face and formidable tubes and wires attached to his body. The doctor had warned Noah that if his dat didn’t stop drinking, there’d be more terrifying visits to the emergency room. More bills to pay. More shame to bear.

Noah thanked the Lord that no one from the community had seen them. Mandy hadn’t appeared out of nowhere to stick her nose into his business. All in all, it had turned out okay. Noah rubbed his eyelid, where his black eye was just a memory. Was he imagining things, or did he always feel better with Mandy’s nose in his business? He diverted his thoughts away from that place in his head where Mandy lingered. The ache was unbearable.

“We’re going to be okay,” Noah finally said. “From now on, I’ll watch him more carefully. Dat won’t let it go that far again. He likes the hospital less than I do.”

Yost didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t press the issue. There was nothing he could do about it anyway. Surely it was obvious to him that the answer was no. He and Mamm and the siblings were never going to be able to come back.

Noah pulled Yost in for one more bone-crushing bear hug. “I love you, broodah.”

“I’ll come in January and bring Lisa.”

“I’d like that,” Noah said. A visit would be welcome after another lonely and miserable Christmas. And a lonely and miserable autumn, made extra miserable by the hole in his heart left by Mandy Helmuth.

Yost climbed in the passenger seat. Noah went to the driver’s side of the car and handed Peggy some money.

“Thanks, Noah,” Peggy said, stuffing the cash into her purse as if she were shoving trash into the garbage can.

“Thanks for taking my brother to the bus.”

She smiled. “Call me anytime. Ralph is making me crazy.” Ralph was Peggy’s husband, and he’d just retired. Word was that he dogged Peggy’s every step during the day because he didn’t know what to do with all his free time.

Peggy draped her arm across the steering wheel and furrowed her brow. “How’s your dat doing?”

Noah felt his shoulders tense. What did Peggy care about his dat? What did she know about his dat? “He’s fine. He’s been making lots of baskets for the gift shop in Green Bay.”

“I love those baskets,” Peggy said. “I’ve got four of them at home yet.” She fiddled with the keys in her hand. “I don’t mean to pry or anything. I was just wondering how he’s been doing since that night at the bar a couple of weeks ago. My dad struggled with the bottle. I know how hard it is.”

“It’s real hard,” Yost said.

Noah pushed the words from between his clenched teeth. “Mandy told you about that?”

“Told me? I was there. The three of us saw it. I took Kristina home while Mandy stayed to help.”

Noah didn’t mean to stutter, but his surprise rendered speech nearly impossible. “Kri . . . Kristina was with you?”

“We drove by just as you came out of the bar with your dat. We saw him sock you in the mouth. I haven’t told a soul.” She reached out of the car and placed a hand on his arm. “As far as I know, nobody else saw but us, and Mandy made Kristina promise not to tell anybody what we’d seen. I’m sorry if I upset you. I just hope the best for your dat.”

The world swirled around his head like a swarm of yellow jackets, only louder. Kristina knew about the night at the bar because she’d been there, not because Mandy had told her. Mandy hadn’t broken her promise. She hadn’t betrayed his trust.

He felt dizzy with relief.

He felt sick with remorse.

He’d chastised her, yelled at her, rejected her for something she hadn’t done. He was a fool. A stupid, self-righteous, indignant fool who couldn’t see past his own troubles. The world did not revolve around him, as he sometimes behaved like it did.

He couldn’t form a reply to what Peggy had told him. He merely stepped away from the car and raised his arm in the air in what passed for a wave. He didn’t even see them leave. His sight was already turned inward to the small pebble that was his heart. The thought that he might have already lost Mandy shattered the pebble into a thousand pieces, sending shards of stone into his chest and making his bones ache.

He had to apologize.

Now.

It had been a simple, stupid mistake. Would she forgive him? Would she let him back into her heart? Hope spread through his veins like warm honey. He loved her. Surely she wouldn’t reject that.

He marched into the house with a greater sense of purpose than he’d ever felt. He’d need something spectacularly delicious to soften her up.

What could he do with half a gallon of milk and ajar of pickles?

As far as Mandy could tell, there was only one leak in the barn roof, and it appeared almost directly over her head. She shifted her milking stool to the right so she wouldn’t get dripped on and kept right on milking. Dawdi might need to hire Noah to fix the barn roof next. He would probably be glad for the work. Her heart felt as heavy as a bucket of milk. He’d be glad for the work after Thursday, when Mandy wouldn’t be here to bother him.

With only the sounds of the rhythmic ping-ping of the milk in the bucket and the occasional swish of Iris’s tail, the inside of the barn seemed eerily quiet buried beneath the sound of the rain pounding on the roof outside. Good thing she’d brought the umbrella. She’d be soaked to the skin if she tried to make it back to the house without one.

Thunder rumbled in the distance, and Iris took a stuttering step forward. She turned her head as if to figure out what Mandy was doing back there. Mandy put a comforting hand on Iris’s belly and cooed until Iris stopped fussing.

Mandy usually found the sound of rain comforting. Like a river tripping against the boulders or waves lapping against the shore at the lake, there was something peaceful about the sound of rushing water. But today, drops pelting the roof only reminded her of the sound of Noah’s work boots clonking overhead as he had worked on Mammi and Dawdi’s roof.

She sniffed and stubbornly blinked back a delinquent tear that threatened to escape. Noah didn’t love her, didn’t trust her. He didn’t even particularly like her. She shouldn’t waste one drop of water on that boy.

She finished with the milking and let Iris loose. Mandy’s breath hung in the moist, pungent air of the barn as she opened her umbrella, tightened her coat around her, and picked up her bucket of milk. She’d miss Bonduel more than she’d ever admit to Mammi. She had many relatives here whom she loved dearly, as well as her best friend Kristina. And after a gute long time, she’d even fondly remember her time with Noah, even though he hadn’t turned out to be the boy she’d thought he was. Even though he’d twisted her heart beyond recognition when she’d only wanted to help.

Before she could reach the handle, the door of the barn opened a crack. Her heart banged against her chest as Noah stuck his head inside. Water dripped off his hat, and his shirt looked to be soaked through.

She exhaled slowly. Didn’t he know what an umbrella was? “You’re going to catch your death of cold,” she said.

Holding a plastic grocery bag in one hand, he slid into the barn, shut the door, and took off his hat. He hung it on a nail that already held a gute piece of rope and a horse bridle. He glanced at her tentatively as he wiped some of the moisture from his face with his equally wet sleeve.

Instinctively, she took a step back. She never wanted to be caught close to Noah Mischler again. “What are you doing here?”

He winced. She must have sounded as wounded as she felt. “Oh. Mandy . . . I’m really . . . Oh sis yuscht, I’m really sorry.”

He might not have liked her very much, but the pain in his brown eyes was real enough. She resisted the urge to try to fix it for him, but she softened her expression, put down her bucket of milk, and collapsed her umbrella as a sign that she was at least willing to remain in the barn while he explained himself. She could always bolt if he tried to make her feel guilty.

He held out the bag, probably wanting her to come closer to take it so he wouldn’t have to strain his throat when he yelled at her. “I made these for you.”

“Why?”

His eyes pleaded with her. “To tell you I’m sorry about what I said.”

She was tempted to raise an eyebrow as a sign that she didn’t believe him, but it wasn’t in her heart to be cynical. And it certainly wasn’t in her heart to hurt him, though surely it would be impossible to do that, knowing how he felt about her. She finally gave in and took the bag. She let it dangle from her fingers as if she couldn’t have cared less what was inside. “It doesn’t matter, Noah. I’ll be gone in less than a week.”

He clenched his jaw. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I’ve done nothing but bring you trouble. You told me so yourself.”
Ach, du lieva
. She couldn’t keep the bitterness from her voice.

He closed his eyes and grimaced, as if her words had slapped him in the face. “Mandy, I made some assumptions I shouldn’t have. Kristina told me she knew about that night at the bar. I thought you had broken your promise and told her about it. Just like you told her about our kissing.”

A dull throbbing started behind her eyes. “You must think very badly of me to believe I would break a promise like that.”

“Nae. I was devastated to think that you, of all people, would do that. It hurt so bad because of how I feel about you.”

“How you feel about me,” she repeated, her voice quivering. He didn’t love her, and she would be a fool to let herself believe that he did.

“Can you blame me for jumping to conclusions? Ever since I met you, I’ve been acutely aware of the shame I bear because of my dat. What Kristina told me was just one more shovelful of dirt on my head. I wasn’t thinking clearly. You told her about the kiss. It wasn’t much of a leap to believe you told her about the night at the bar.”

“So it is my fault once again.”

“That’s not what I mean. I get defensive when it comes to my dat. It’s not your fault.” He took three steps closer and reached out his free hand to her. She ignored it. The look on his face was pure agony. “Mandy,” he said, in a whisper barely audible above the sound of the rain falling outside. “Mandy, please forgive me. That day, the things I said, I pushed you away. Please forgive me. I love you.”

There they were. The words she would have given anything to hear a few days ago. She didn’t believe them, but the knowledge that he believed made it harder to do what she knew she had to do.

Mandy pursed her lips to keep the memory of his kisses from making her lips tingle. “Yost told me about the hospital,” she said.

Noah shoved his fingers through his damp hair. “I told him not to say anything. We agreed it would be better for Dat.”

“How is he feeling?”

“He’s fine. We’d be fine, if . . .”

“If people would just leave you alone.”

Understanding flashed on his face, and his gaze pierced hers. “I don’t mean that,” he murmured.

“Yost didn’t blab your dat’s troubles to the community, if that’s what you’re worried about. He thought that since I am close to your family, I might want to know.” She exhaled a deep breath and stifled the sob that wanted to come with it. “But he doesn’t know that I’m
not
close to the family. You won’t let me get within a mile of your problems. You’re so afraid of being hurt and embarrassed that you’ve built a very thick wall around yourself and won’t let anyone in, even the girl you claim to love.”

“I do love you, Mandy. It’s just that I don’t want you to suffer too.”

“Nae. It’s that you don’t want to compile your shame. Not even for me.” He started to protest, and she turned her face from him. “Yost told me some wonderful things about your mamm. She is an amazing quilter. Her quilts sell for hundreds of dollars. And she loves flowers.”

“I know.”

“She planted a half acre of roses when she lived here. Pink are her favorite. She once sewed your dat a whole new shirt in two hours, and she can quote passages of scripture from memory. She must be an wonderful-gute mamm.”

Noah slumped his shoulders. “She is.”

“But you kept her from me. You’re so ashamed, you didn’t want me to know anything. Not even that your dat used to take you and Yost ice fishing, or that he never failed to tell your mamm and Lisa they were beautiful every day for as long as you can remember.”

Noah gazed at her resentfully. “Talking about it won’t make my dat the man he used to be.”

“But it would make you vulnerable. You close yourself off to me because you would do anything to avoid looking weak or pitiful. Talking to Yost made me realize something. You made me feel guilty for wanting to be a part of your life. For caring.” The tears couldn’t be stopped now. “Maybe I am too nosy, but maybe I wanted to share your life. Maybe I pushed harder because I wanted you to let me in. But I can’t get in. You’ve locked that door and thrown away the key.”

“If I show you who I really am, you’ll stomp all over my heart.”

She felt as if she’d been slammed against a wall. He was so wrapped up in himself that he refused to give her the gift of his trust. He loved his safe, private misery more than he would ever love her. “Maybe you’re right. Nothing is worth the risk of getting your heart stomped.”

He held out his hands to her, pleading with his eyes, his face, his whole body. “Mandy, please, you don’t understand.”

If she lingered any longer, she’d melt into a quivering mass of tears and sobs. “I’m sorry, Noah. I want someone who’ll give me his whole heart, not just the safe, convenient part of if. I deserve to be loved that way.”

Clutching his bag of food to her chest, she bolted out of the barn, leaving her umbrella and her heart behind. Soon her weeping would become uncontrollable. Better to do that in the privacy of her own bedroom. She ran through the torrential rain, made it into the house, and shut herself in her room. Sniffling back the tears, she opened Noah’s carefully wrapped tinfoil package to find six warm, brown circles. Furrowing her brow, she picked one up and took a bite.

Fried pickles.

Delicious.

He hadn’t had the time, or probably the money, to go to the store, so he’d used his imagination with what he had on hand. She’d definitely miss Noah’s creative food. And his solid arms and honey-colored hair. And the smile that could charm the wings off the bumblebees and make her heart leap out of her chest. She’d be very sorry to never see a smile like that again.

The tears came like a cloudburst. She collapsed across her bed, wet clothes and all, and cried herself into numbness.