HUGE X2 (2 page)

“I’ve
just been tired, and concentrating on my work.”

“It’s
more than that.”
 
Ethan narrows his
perceptive eyes as if that will help him to see deep into my soul and the lies
festering there.

“I’m
okay,” I say but it comes out sounding highly-strung rather than
exasperated.
 
He licks his lips as he
considers me, and I turn to Nathan, finding him looking down at me with the
same concerned expression.
 

“As
long as you’re okay, we’re okay,” he says softly. He looks at Ethan and they
seem to have a conversation with no words in that annoying way that only twins
seem to be able to manage.

The
barman comes back with my drink and Ethan grabs it, taking a long drink.
 
“Hey, that’s mine!” I shout indignantly.
 
He passes it to his brother over my head and
he drinks too.
 
“Just sharing in the
fun,” Nathan says, finally handing it to me with half the liquid drained.
 
Ethan pays for the drink, and I look at my
half measure dejectedly.
 
So much for my
attempt at seeking some alcoholic courage.
 

Because
I’m pissed at them for babying me, I take the straw into my mouth and drink
right to the bottom in one go, then I put the glass on the bar noisily.
 
I wipe my lips with the back of my hand in a
gesture that I hope says, ‘don’t mess with me, boys’.
 
I look up to find Nathan partly grinning and
partly frowning as if he finds me both infuriating and cute at the same time.
 
Just as I’m about to say something he puts
his finger to his lips to tell me to hush.
 
Then he reaches out and, with his thumb, strokes over my bottom
lip.
 
It’s not a gentle caress; it’s a
firm stroke that draws my lips apart. His eyes are on my mouth, and my heart is
suddenly pounding.
 
This is all it
takes.
 
Just one digit making contact
with my skin and I’m on fire.
 
Before I
know what I’m doing, my tongue touches his skin.
 
Fuck.
 
It feels so sexual like he’s going to push inside my mouth and make me
suck.
 
Oh god, I want to suck.
 
I want to know what he tastes like.
 

“You
smudged your lipstick,” he says huskily.
 
His lids are heavy when I come around from my sex-filled haze and realize
he’s speaking to me.
 
I don’t reply for
what feels like hours.
 
My lips are still
parted, the bottom one pouting like it’s been plumped up by kisses.
 
I know I need to say something.
 
He’s waiting for me to say something.
 
I don’t think I can speak.
 
Then Ethan clears his throat behind us and
suddenly I’m awake.

“I’m
going to find Katelin,” I say, starting to move from between them but Nathan
blocks my path.

“Come
and dance with us,” he says.

“I’m
not in the mood for dancing,” I say, putting my hand on my stomach where there
are currently ten thousand butterflies having a party.
 
I don’t think I have ever uttered a sentence
less true than the last one.
 
If I could
spend the rest of my life doing something, it would be dancing with the
twins.
 
Well, actually it would be doing
a whole lot more with the twins, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“You’re
lying,” Ethan says close to my ear and I whip around, almost pressing my lips
against his by accident. I pull away as though I’ve been stung and he
grins.
 
“Come dance with us, Carrie.
 
It’ll be fun.”

His
gorgeous eyes sparkle with light and mischief and I feel mesmerized.
 
I’m like Mowgli faced with the Jungle Book
snake.
 
But instead of saying ‘please go
to sleep’ his eyes seem to be dazzling me into danger.
 
More dancing equals more temptation.
 
More risk that I’ll forget myself and make
even more of a spectacle than I did last time.
 
I should be saying no but my mouth is filled with cotton and my head
with sawdust and Ethan just smiles and leads me by the hand, back towards the
dangerous dance floor of doom.

He
spins me around and puts his hands on my hips, and the music is hypnotic.
 
Nathan’s followed us and he’s dancing in
front of me and I don’t know what to do with my hands or where to look.
 
If I glance up there’re his beautiful blue
eyes that seem to be saying weird confusing things.
 
Lower and I’m faced with a chest that makes
me want to weep.
 
Lower and...fuck…I’m
looking at his crotch and he’s watching me.
 
My cheek flame with embarrassment and my head is woozy with hormones, lust
and alcohol.
 
I can’t think clearly
through all that fog.
 
And then, as if by
magic, Katelin appears and inserts herself into my unnatural triangle.
 
I never knew it was possible to feel so much
relief and so much resentment at one time.
 
I know why she’s here and I want to scratch her eyes out at the very
thought. But I know that’s not fair.
 
I
don’t have a claim on my stepbrothers, and she has no idea how I feel.
 
I turn out of Ethan’s grasp and lean in to
hug my friend for inadvertently rescuing me.
 
She clutches me back and we laugh and then I’m dancing with her and the
twins are dancing with us and all the intensity is suddenly diffused.
 

We
stay like that for at least three songs and by that time I’m glowing and
smiling.
 
I feel better for having
fun.
 
I feel better for spending time
with Ethan and Nathan that doesn’t involve thinking non-stop about sex.
 
Katelin isn’t really flirting with them
either and things just feel normal.
 

Normal
is what I need.
 
Definitely.
 
Certainly.
 
But it’s not what I want.

3

KEYHOLE
CONFESSIONS

The evening progresses with more drinking and more fun
dancing.
 
Our other friends join us and
I’m having such a blast that I don’t realize the time.
 
It’s Nathan that grabs my hand and tells me
we should head home.
 
His eyes are soft
as I stagger on my heels and reach out to stabilize myself, using his chest as
a prop.

“Come on, Peanut,” he laughs.
 
“I think you’ve had enough fun.”

“Impossible,” I slur.
 
“A person can never have enough fun.”

“Okay, Titch,” Ethan whispers in my ear from
behind.
 
“Whatever you say.”

“You’re cute when you’re wasted,” Nathan laughs, leading
me over to where they left their coats.
 
We get ready to leave and Katelin is chatting to me at a hundred miles
an hour about college and an assignment we are supposed to be turning in, but
all I can think about is my warm bed and the pillow that seems to be calling my
name.
 
I’m so sleepy that I lean on
Nathan on the way out.
 
My car is in the
parking lot but I’ve drunk too much to drive it home.
 
One of the twin’s friends is the designated
driver and we slide into the back seat of his SUV.
 
It’s cavernous but somehow Nathan’s thigh
seems to find a way to press against mine and Ethan drapes his arm across the
back of the seat in a way that kind of seems like he's putting his arm around
me.

My head feels warm and fuzzy so when I put my hands on
their knees and squeeze affectionately, I don't realize how provocative that
might be until it's too late. They both seem to stiffen at the contact and I
pull my hands back and rest them demurely in my lap. It suddenly seems so much
smaller in the back of the car, as though the doors have pushed inwards and I'm
crowded in by men on all sides. There are four in the SUV with me; my
stepbrother bookends, Bryan, and Royce. There's a conversation happening
between them that involves a quarterback, two strippers and a stash of blow
large enough to take out a herd of elephants. Bryan is laughing that some guys
have all the luck. Royce is laughing too. The twins are quiet though and I
wonder why. This is guy talk. They'd usually be in the center of this. I wonder
if the rumors are true.
 
Have they had a
threesome? Or a foursome. I’m not a virgin but group sex is a whole other
thing. A whole other thing that I hadn't ever considered before I met them. A
whole other thing that I'm starting to wish had never crossed my mind, because
now here I am, unable to think about anything else. If I ever do manage to get
them out of my fantasies and my heart and try to move on to an ordinary
relationship, how is vanilla sex ever going to match up to what I've imagined
with Nathan and Ethan?
 
How will anyone
else have a chance of coming close to what I’m imagining about them.

I gaze out of the window, trying to ignore Ethan's
striking profile, and the fact that at least one of his fingers now seems to be
resting on my shoulder. My whole nervous system has zeroed into that one tiny
point of contact that is probably accidental. He can’t really be wanting to
stroke my neck, can he?

The neighborhood whizzes by in a blur of gray buildings
illuminated by yellow streetlights. We're not far from home now and my heart
seems to be beating faster with every mile covered. I need to get out of this
vehicle. I need to get into the sanctity of my room and decompress or
something. Maybe I'll fire up that Magic Mike XXL clip where Channing Tatum
entertains a houseful of women. I need something extra special to take my mind
off the twins tonight.

"Are you okay?" Nathan says quietly and I
jump at the sound of his voice. "You're not feeling sick are you?"

I shake my head. My throat feels tight.

"You sure?" asks Ethan. "You seemed to
be putting it away in there and you haven't been out much lately. Royce will
freak if you're sick in his ride.

"What?" Royce shouts, craning his neck to
look at us. "If she's feeling sick I'm pulling over right now. I've had a
chick vomit my car before and it took months for the smell to go away."

"I'm fine," I say, sounding more exasperated
than the conversation really warrants. I'm tired of the twins babying me. I'm
tired of them fussing, and caring and acting like big brothers that I never
wanted.

"It's okay," Ethan says to Royce.
"She's okay. You don’t need to stop."

Royce turns again, as though he doesn't believe we are
telling the truth. We're only a minute from our house anyway so he carries on,
putting his foot down to cover the journey a little quicker.

When we pull up at the curb Nathan jumps out and holds
the door open for me.
 
As I slide to exit
the vehicle I make sure to pull my skirt down so I'm at least half decent.
Ethan gets out the other side and they both bang the top of the car to say
goodbye. Royce puts his window down to ask the twins something about a party in
a few days.
 
I make my way up the path,
fumbling in my purse for my keys, wanting to get in and up the stairs as
quickly as possible. I leave the front door open for the twins and shoot up to
my room like a bat out of hell. When I'm safely inside I close the door and
lean back against it, taking deep breaths to calm my pounding heart and racing
mind. I'm still as I hear the front door close and the boys taking their shoes
off in the hallway. They seem to be whispering in that way that men do; not
really a whisper but more like a rumble. They’re not loud enough for me to make
out what they’re saying, which is very frustrating. I really want to know, even
if it isn't about me. In fact, if I knew they were talking about Katelin or one
of the other girls at the bar tonight it would probably be better. I could try
and push all thoughts of them from my mind with some conviction that they have
eyes on other prizes.

I hear them climbing the stairs and walking down the
hall to their room. They seem to pause outside my door, or maybe I'm imaging
it. Then they continue, closing their door quietly. I know when they have
finished getting ready for bed because the faucets are quiet and I hear the
click of the light switch. When I'm in my PJ’s I tiptoe from my room to get
some water from the kitchen. It's quiet as I descend and I figure they must
have fallen asleep as soon as their heads touched their pillows. But on the way
back up, I hear voices. I know I shouldn't try to hear what they’re saying; after
all, no one ever heard anything good by listening to conversations that weren't
meant for their ears. The thing is, I absolutely can't resist tiptoeing towards
their door and leaning in.

I first hear them talking about Bryan, speculating
about whether if he's ever going to get busy with Katelin. I want to laugh
because I was wondering the very same thing earlier in the night. Ethan jokes
about how Bryan says he likes to take his time, but actually he’s just a
chicken shit. Nathan laugh's and agrees and then they both go quiet. I'm
thinking they must be going to sleep and I start to pad away then Nathan say's
something that has all the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

"Did you see what Carrie was wearing
tonight?"

"Yeah," Ethan says. "Even a blind man
wouldn't have missed that."

"Why do you think she came out? She's been
hanging around at home so much lately."

"I don't know man," Ethan replies. "I
thought she maybe had boyfriend trouble but I asked Katelin and she isn't
dating."

"You asked Katelin? When, tonight?" Nathan
says and I hear shifting around as if he's sitting up in bed.

"Yeah. I thought, fuck it. I need to know what's
going on."

"Why? We've talked about this, bro," Nathan
says, sounding almost exasperated. "She's our stepsister. We can't do
anything."

"Listen," Ethan says. "I know what we
said, but I swear she feels the same. Don't you feel it when she's near you?
It's like fucking static electricity."

I hear Nathan groan. "I know, but fuck. She's supposed
to be family, man."

"No, she isn't. She's not blood. We've only been
in this shitty situation for a year. I’ve had sneakers longer than that.
 
A whole year of my dick feeling like it's
going to explode. Seriously, dude, we've gotta do something about this before I
go fucking crazy."

"Are you serious?"

"Aren't you? You think we've just been shooting
the shit all this time? You think I haven't been serious about going after
her?"

"I don't know, Ethan. We talk a lot of shit.
Always have, always will. Talking to you is like thinking for me. But, sometimes
we think about things we shouldn't be thinking about. Doing those things is a
whole other matter."

"Do you want to?" Ethan asks, and he says it
in such a cold and serious way I almost fall against the door straining to hear
Nathan’s reply. I can’t believe what they are saying. It's like all my dreams
and my greatest fears are being debated through two inches of hardwood. I
almost consider walking away so I don't hear either way. I know that by
tomorrow I'm going to have to avoid them at all costs. Forget hibernating at
home. I'm going to have to exile myself.

"Of course I want to," Nathan says before I
can back away. And then I'm frozen to the spot. It hasn't been my imagination
all this time. They feel the same way I do and they've been as torn as I've
been. I don't know if I feel better or worse. The past year has been torture
for me and thinking that they have been going through the same thing makes me
feel sad. All those nights I've lain awake, with just a wall between us,
thinking about them while they've been thinking about me. All the wasted yearning
and fantasizing.

"Then we've gotta do it," Ethan says.

"Do what?" Nathan blurts, and I can hear that
he's swiveled out of bed and put his feet on the floor. I can imagine what he
looks like; bright eyes shining in the darkness, hair mussed from lying down,
bare chest rippling with muscle.

"We've gotta tell her and make her see what she's
been missing."

"What, both of us? She'll think we're fucking
crazy. She'll think we're perverts. She'll tell the olds and we'll be out on
the street."

"It's both of us or neither of us. It's how it's
always been, Nath.
 
I couldn’t do it
without you, bro, knowing how you feel too."

"I know, but this is different. This is Carrie.
This actually means something to me."

"And me," Ethan says, sounding exasperated.
"You think I haven’t thought about all this. You think I don’t know what
the risks are? I saw how she was looking at us tonight. I know she wants us as
much as we want her. We've just got to pick the right moment to tell her."

"And when might that be? Over family breakfast?
While we're passing in the hall. 'By the way, sis, would you like to play hide
the salami? Except there are two salamis. Do you think you can manage that much
sausage at once?'"

"Enough with the sausage jokes, man. If we're
going to do this thing, we have to be honest with her. Tell her how we feel.
That it's not just about sex. That we like her."

"Like her," Nathan laughs. "Is that
what you call it?"

"Well, telling her we want to fuck her boneless,
then keep her hidden in our man cave forever probably wouldn’t cut it."

"You think?" Nathan laughs again and I can
imagine them both, sitting on their beds in the dark, like shadowy reflections
of each other. I have a sudden urge to twist the door handle and step into the
room, to tell them that I feel the same and it's okay. But I can't. I'm frozen
with my ear now fully pressed against the door so I don’t miss a thing. God, if
my mom stepped out into the hallway, what would she do?

The room on the other side of the door is quiet. I
wonder what they are both thinking now. Are they imagining when they are going
to make this wondrous confession to me? Are they considering the implications
if I really was shocked at their intentions? Or maybe, like me, they are
thinking of what will happen if we all feel the same way. If we really get a
chance to live out our fantasies.
 
If the
world was a perfect place with no judgments and no restrictive moral codes, I’d
be sitting on cloud nine right now feeling like a cat with all the cream.
 
But it isn’t.
 
Far from it.
 
Somehow knowing that
they feel the same as me has only made me feel worse.

It sounds stupid, right?
 
Finding out that everything you’ve been
hoping and dreaming about could be about to come true shouldn’t suck this
much.
 
When it was all a distant and
abstract idea it seemed possible.
 
Now I
just know it isn’t.
 
The snoring I can
hear from our parents’ room reminds me of two big reasons why I’m going to have
to say no.
 
The sound of the engine of
next door’s car backing into their drive reminds me of plenty more.
 
And my sinking heart is the biggest
barrier.
 
I couldn’t stand the
shame.
 
I know it now.
 
People pointing and whispering in the halls
at college.
 
They’re my stepbrothers and
I just don’t think I could be girl that was tagged by the twin team.