HUGE X2 (4 page)

Then a shadow falls across Ethan’s face and we both
pull away from each other like we’re kids caught with our hands in the cookie
jar.
 
Nathan’s standing there with a
tray, looking at us with interest and an expression that almost looks like
hope.
 
What is he thinking?
 
That Ethan might have told me, convinced me,
and now we’re heading off somewhere for a day of hot, sweaty sex?

“They didn’t have any double chocolate muffins, so I
got you this white chocolate and pecan,” he says to break the awkward silence
that has descended upon us.
 

“That’s okay,” I say. “Chocolate is chocolate.”

I start to shift slightly away from Ethan but just as
I do, Nathan takes a seat right next to me.
 
Now I’m sandwiched on this couch between the Stanmore twins, in
too-short shorts with a muffin and coffee to consume.
 
How am I going to do that when my hands are
trembling in my lap?

“Dig in everyone,” Nath says, reaching for his giant-sized
coffee.
 
Eth takes his sandwich and bites
such a big chunk out of that I expect him to choke, but no, he’s fine.
 
It must be a 6-foot-3-and-a-half-inch man
thing! “So,” Nath says, dragging the word out.
 
“Last night, eh.”

“We’ve had that conversation,” I snap.
 

“What conversation?” Nath asks, looking confused.

I blush, not wanting to repeat what Eth had said, but
Eth does, looking very amused.

“The one where I mentioned her dancing.”

Nath raises his eyebrows and glances at me with
interest.

“Mmmm, the dancing.”

“Can we stop talking about the dancing?”
 
My face is on fire again and the only
distraction available to me is a white chocolate muffin that’s the size of a
small planet.
 
If I put some in my mouth,
I just know I am going to end up inhaling it by accident.

“We can stop talking about it.
 
But that won’t mean I’ll stop thinking about
it.” Ethan grins, Nathan laughs and I scowl.
 

Here we are, back in our usual teasing routine.

“You shouldn’t be thinking about me that way,” I blurt
out.
 
“We’re family.”
 

As I say it, my heart seems to drop down into my belly
and both the twins seem to deflate.
 
My
heart aches, even though I know I’m saying what I’m supposed to say.
 
I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.
 

No matter how many ‘supposed to’s’ I throw in,
everything still feels wrong to me.

“We’re not family,” Nath replies quietly. “Our parents
are married.
 
That’s it.”

“We live in the same house,” I say, not knowing where
to look.
 
I fix my eyes on the muffin,
clasping my hands in my lap.

“We do,” Eth says carefully, leaning in a bit
closer.
 
“Carrie.” He puts his hand on my
knee and I stare at it like it’s a giant spider.
 
“I just…we just…we feel things...”
 
He hesitates, his voice so low it’s like
velvet licking against my skin.
 
“We feel
things that brothers don’t feel for their sisters.”

Nathan places his hand over mine, gently prying my
fingers from their claw-like position as I was gripping the couch fabric for
dear life.
 
I turn to look at him and his
eyes are telling me the same thing as Ethan’s are.
 
They are hungry and soft at the same time.
Possessive I suppose.
 
He nod’s just a
fraction which is enough for me to know that he agrees with everything his
brother is saying.
 
I turn back to Ethan
who seems to be waiting to continue.
 
“I
know you feel it too,” he says and for a moment I’m confused.
 

“Feel what?” I whisper back.

“This,” Ethan says, using his thumb to stroke the
inside of my knee.
 
My nerve endings
spring to life at such a light touch and I’m practically quivering with desire.
 
Nathan’s finger moves on the tender inside of
my wrist and it’s all too much.
 
Too much
sensation.
 
Too much intention.
 
I feel pulled in so many directions and none
feel right.
 

“Oh god,” I whisper.
 
“We can’t.
 
I don’t.
 
You’re wrong.”

“We can,” Nathan whisper in my ear.
 
“If you want to, we can.”

“We shouldn’t,” I say but my own resistance sounds
pathetic.

“We could,” Ethan says and his hand moves up my leg
just slightly.
 
“I know you feel it,
Carrie.
 
I know you want....”
 
He trails off as if saying ‘us’ would be
excessive.
 

My mind is working double time, and I can’t seem to
bring myself to look at either of them.
 
When I glance up, I notice Katelin outside as she makes her way around
the side of the coffee shop towards the entrance. I stand up with a start,
knowing what a guilty picture we make.
 
Ethan’s hand drops to the couch and Nathan shifts to the side guiltily,
putting some space between us.
 

I clamber around the table, using the excuse of going
to meet Katelin to put some distance between me and the twins.
 
I practically throw myself at her, pulling
her into a hug and squeezing way too hard.

“Carrie,” she gasps, drawing away with surprise and
looking me over.
 
“Are you okay?
 
Not that I’m not loving all the love in here
but, damn!
 
I think I need abdominal
surgery to fix the rupture”

“What?” I blurt out quickly, feeling so guilty for
using her as a means of escape.
 
“Can’t I
show my BFF some appreciation?”
 

“Course,” Katelin says, smiling but with a quizzical
look in her eyes.
 
She surveys the coffee
shop and notices the twins by the window, watching the whole exchange.

 
“Hey, boys,”
she calls and waves.
 
“This is nice.
 
I’ll go grab my coffee and come and join
you.”

“No, it’s okay.
 
I’ll bring mine over there so we can talk assignments some more.” I
point to the table on the other side of the coffee shop.

“Oh, okay.”
 
Katelin looks disappointed but I’m desperate to get away from my
stepbrothers before I’m sucked down into the flaming pit to sit on Satan’s
knee.

I turn and make my way back to the table to take my
coffee and muffin.
 
It’s so hard to look
at the boys but I do.
 
They are both
smiling identically small smiles, their identical cerulean eyes sparkling.
 
I get a sudden urge to smooth Ethan’s hair
and mess up Nathan’s, to make them even more alike.
 
It’s easier to pretend they are one person
when they look like one person.
 
And when
I pretend they are one person I feel less like a degenerate freak.

“Thanks for the coffee,” I mumble.
 
“I guess I’ll see you at home.”

“Yeah,” they both say in unison.
 
“We’ll see you later,” Nathan adds.

I scurry across the coffee shop to the safety of the
tiny table for two.
 
Katelin joins me
minutes later and we spend a while discussing our assignment.
 
About half way through the twins leave,
calling goodbyes as they do.
 
Katelin
looks after them longingly and whispers ‘damn’ under her breath but I ignore
her and carry on with our conversation.
 
When we’re finally done, I bring up Bryan.
 
If I’m honest it’s because I hate it when she
looks at the twins like she wants to lick them.
 
If I’m truly honest, it makes me want to spit fire.

Katelin laughs.
 
“Yeah, Bryan’s cute.
 
I might even
be interested if I thought he was ever going to get his ass in gear and make a
move.
 
He’s been making a bee-line for me
pretty much every time we see each other, but nothing.
 
Maybe he’s not interested?”

“Oh, he’s interested,” I say.
 
“Just a bit slow.
 
Maybe you should make the first move.
 
It isn’t the 50’s you know.
 
Women have been liberated for decades.”

“I don’t know. I kinda like it when a man does the leg
work.
 
Otherwise, I feel like I’m giving
myself up for nothing.”

“I guess,” I say, remembering Ethan’s hand on my leg
and the words he whispered in my ear.
 
It
did feel good to hear him say it.
 
I
hadn’t realized how much that mattered to me until that moment.

We chat for a while longer about the usual, then say
our goodbyes.
 
I have plenty of good
reasons to be on campus for a few more hours then I know I’m going to have to
be brave and head home.

5

ONE LOVE

Do
you ever get the feeling that the universe is against you?
 
I get home that night to find a very quiet
house.
 
I head to the kitchen expecting
to find my mom there preparing dinner but the light is off and everything is
packed away.
 
On the counter I find a
note from Mom.
 
Apparently, Wendell, my
step-dad, has decided to take her away for the weekend.
 
A romantic surprise.
 

The first thing that enters my head is the realization
that I’m going to be home alone with the twins for a whole weekend.
 
No parental supervision.
 
No risk of being disturbed.
 
Nothing to stop them from carrying on like
they were in the coffee shop.
 

Just the feeling of their hands on me had me
trembling, and they were only touching innocent places.
 
They dismissed so easily all the reasons I gave
them on why we can’t act on our feelings.
 
Things that sounded certain in my head sounded so unconvincing when
voice out loud, and the more they I talked the less assured I felt.
 
Telling them ‘no’ felt so right to my head
and so wrong to my heart, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep up
my barriers now they’ve taken the brave step towards confessing their long held
feelings.

Just as I’m heading up the stairs to hide in my
bedroom, the front door opens.
 
I turn to
see Nathan coming in first and Ethan not far behind.
 
They both look up at me, Nathan seeming
worried as though he knows exactly how I’m feeling and Ethan with the biggest
grin I’ve ever seen.
 
They must know
about our parent’s last minute trip.
 
They
must know they have the perfect opportunity to get me exactly where they want
me.
 
Nathan’s not sure how I’m going to
react.
 
Ethan’s just thinking that all he
has to do is to convince me; push my buttons a little harder and he’ll get the
answer he wants.

“Hey, Peanut,” Ethan calls out.
 
“Did you hear the great news?”

“What great news?” I say.
 
Denial seems like my best course of
action.
 
Pretend like nothing unusual is
going on and maybe I’ll be safe.
 
Oh god,
I’m lying to myself again.

“We have the house to ourselves for the whole weekend,”
he says with glee in his voice.
 

I take another step up the stairs, backing away slowly.
 
“Yeah, my mom left me a note,” I reply,
trying to keep my voice from quivering.
 

“Do you want to watch a movie, maybe?” Nathan asks kindly.
 
“We’ll let you choose.
 
Anything you want.”

They both look up at me hopefully and it breaks my
heart a little.
 
Their little-boy
expressions melt me.
 
I know what they
are really asking and it has nothing to do with movies. They never let me
choose without a fight.
 
It’s always a
game to them first, and only after I moan and complain for half an hour do they
give in.
 

I know if I agree, we’re going to end up on the couch
together.
 
Once it’s movie time we always
turn the lights down low to get the full cinema experience.
 
It’ll be the perfect atmosphere for what they
were alluding to at the coffee shop, and what I’ve secretly been craving for
months.
 
I’ve been telling myself that we
can’t do this but my body has come alive at the thought of my fantasy becoming
a reality.
 
I’ve been trying to convince
myself that it is wrong, but if I’m honest with myself, my heart has never
agreed.
 

When brain and heart diverge, which one gets the upper
hand?
 
Logic or emotion?
 

I know it
should
be logic.

Time seems to stop as I look down at them.
 
I know this is a pivotal moment in my
life.
 
Am I really going to do this?
 
What can I say?
 
I’m an emotional girl.

I think I am.
 

Am I going to live to regret it?
 

Who the fuck knows!
 

Maybe we all need to make a few reckless choices.
 
Maybe we all need to do things that will make
us blush some day in the future when our hair is streaked with gray and our
face marked with lines.
 
Maybe it’s the
stuff that pushes our boundaries and makes us feel alive that are the times we
will remember with the most fondness.
 

I love these guys; like friends and so much more.
 
I feel safe with them.
 
I know they wouldn’t do anything to hurt
me.
 
I know that what they are asking me
is about more than sex otherwise, they wouldn’t be asking.
 
If all they wanted was sex, they could get
that anywhere.
 
They wouldn’t be risking
their home life for something casual.
 
How
things will work out in the future I have no idea.
 
But I do want them.
 
I do love them.
 
And if that makes me a terrible person, then
I think I’m okay with that.
 
At least for
today.
 
For this moment in time I let my
heart choose my destiny.

 
“As long as
it’s Pump up the Volume, I’m in,” and as soon as the words are out of my mouth,
they both grin and start toeing off their shoes.
 

“I’ll be down in half an hour,” I say starting up the
stairs.
 

In my room, I do what I did the night before; stand
for a few minutes with my back against the door, taking deep breaths.
 
This time, though, I have every reason to
need to calm my nerves.
 

I shower and put on some nice lingerie.
 
Nothing too sexy but a relatively new set
that matches.
 
I cover it with comfy
black yoga pants and a cami-top.
 
I can
hear the boys laughing in their room.
 
I
wonder what they're talking about.
 
Are
they talking tactics or just joking about something that happened at college
today?
 
I decide to go to the den
first.
 
Somehow that feels better than
walking in on them and having to negotiate my way onto the couch.

I grab a magazine and take position in the middle as I
usually do.
 
I don’t take in any of the
words on the page but it’s somewhere to look and good cover for when the twins
appear.

I hear them bounding down the stairs about five
minutes later, the longest five minutes of my life.
 
They’re both dressed casually in dark blue
and the color makes their eyes stand out even more than usual.
 
I can’t help but look them up and down as
they stand in front of me.
 
For a moment,
I wonder what on earth I have done to deserve them.
 
My mouth goes dry just thinking about what might
happen next.
 
They act as though
nothing’s going on, though.
 
Nathan grabs
the remote from the table and slumps on my right.
 
Ethan turns the lights down as usual and takes
a seat to my left.
 
We don’t speak as
Nathan searches for my favorite Christian Slater movie and sets it
running.
 
I could practically recite the
words.

This will be the first movie night that I haven’t
bothered to get popcorn.
 
I wonder if the
boys have noticed and if they have, what they think.
 
There is so much running through my
mind.
 
Who will make the first move?
 
I bet on Ethan.
 
He always takes the lead.
 
I wonder how they’ll be.
 
What it will feel like to kiss them. Will it
feel the same or different?
 
It’s been so
long since I felt a man’s hands on me.
 
Then
I remember the rumor Katelin had whispered in my ear at our last cookout.
 
The one about the size of things I could be
seeing very soon and a shiver runs up my spine.
 
I usually take gossip with a pinch of salt, but this had come via
Katelin’s sister who is in the same classes as the twins.
 
Only one word was used, and it was done with
an expression of knowing awe. Huge.

We watch about five minutes of the movie but I don’t
take anything in.
 
All I can think about
is what the twins have resting between their legs.
 
I’m so damn curious to find out if the stories
are true. It isn’t long before the couch shifts and Ethan moves closer.
 
He puts his arm over the back, like we’re
sixteen and on a first date. I want to laugh but then his other hand rests
against my cheek and turns my head until I’m facing him.
 
It takes all my confidence to maintain eye
contact.
 

“You know we love you, Carrie,” he says so gently I
feel the words from my eyelashes to the tips of my tiny toes.
 
Nathan strokes his hand over my hair, coming
so close behind me I can feel the heat of his body against the bare skin of my
arms.
 

I nod my head like a mute.
 
I didn’t really know that.
 
Not the love bit.
 
I knew they
liked
me.
 
I felt certain
they cared for me and had
feelings
for me.
 
But love?
 
My heart feels like it is going to burst,
with happiness and with hope.
 

Ethan leans forward and presses his lips against mine
at exactly the same moment that I feel Nathan’s on my neck.
 
Ethan’s gentle kisses are mirrored by Nathan
in a way I hadn’t expected and everything is magnified.
 
The first touch of Eth’s tongue against mine
is electric but it is made so much more by the soft press of Nathan’s just
beneath my ear.
 
I moan, not knowing what
to do.
 
I want to lean into Ethan, to get
closer to his body and the strength I can feel radiating from him.
 
But if I move forward I’ll distance myself
from Nath and I don’t want to lose his contact.
 
I want to feel both their broad, muscular chests pressed against
me.
 
I want them to wrap me up in
Stanmore twin until I don’t know where one of them ends and the other one
begins.

As if Nathan can read my mind, he moves forward and
then so does Eth and I almost get my wish.
 
The angles are difficult but they’re as close as they can get with us
sitting up like this.
 
I put one hand on
Ethan’s cheek, deepening the kiss that is so amazing I could weep.
 
With the other I reach behind to find
Nathan’s knee.
 
I want him to know I’m
enjoying what he’s doing too. What woman wouldn’t love having soft kisses
dusted across her shoulders and on the sensitive skin of her neck?
 
It’s Nathan’s hand that moves up my side and
onto my breast first.
 
I would never have
thought he’d be the one to push things to second base but he is.
 
His touch isn’t tentative at all; he just
gets his hand round me and squeezes, pinching at the tip of my nipple in a way
that sends pleasure all the way between my legs.
 
It feels so good that I pull away from Ethan
to close my eyes and arch my back.
 
And
then Ethan’s hand is sliding up my camisole.
 
It’s so big and rough, from all the hours of working out he does and the
yard work his dad insists both the twins do.
 
And he doesn’t take his time with things.
 
Not at all.
 
He’s unsnapped the front fastening of my bra and has his hand on my bare
skin before I can even moan.
 

“Fuck, Carrie, you’re so beautiful,” Nathan whispers
in my ear as he rolls my nipple between his thumb and forefinger, still
maddeningly though the fabric of my top.
 
Ethan, on the other hand, has pushed the strap of his side down.
 
I watch him as he cups my breast, taking time
to caress it and appreciate it. I see the moment he decides he is going to lean
in to suck the tight pink nipple.
 
When
his mouth latches on it isn’t gentle.
 
He
sucks hard enough to make me gasp, then gently bites the tip.
 
It's agony and ecstasy all rolled into
one.
 

“That looks so damn hot,” Nathan breathes in my
ear.
 
“Does it feel good, baby?
 
Do you like it when he bites you?”