Hunter (Broken Bad Boys 1): A New Adult Bad Boy Romance (24 page)

“I want to tell you everything, but I just can’t. There are parts I can’t talk about. Not without falling into a million little pieces. But I do want to tell you. I never meant to keep hiding this from you.” She wraps her arms around me and pulls me close too. We hold each other for a while, both in our own thoughts, and then Lola starts speaking again. “Tyler wasn’t wrong in that he said I nearly died. That was true. And H didn’t have anything to do with it. Not with that. But there were more people than just me, H and Tess. We had a fourth person in our group. Blaze. He… He was my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Wow. No wonder I never heard her talk about boys, if she is still hung up over some guy.

“Yes, boyfriend. You know, guys are interested in me.” She sounds offended and I look at her, confused.

“Of course they are, you’re beautiful. It’s me that no one is interested in.” I shrug. “You’ve always been beautiful, you’ve always been the best-looking of us. You’re smart, beautiful and kind. Any guy who doesn’t want you would be crazy.”

Lola’s mouth opens, like she wants to say something, but no sounds come out, and the look in her eyes keep changing between disbelief and… anger. I’m not sure why. It’s the truth. Everybody always loved her. She was the beautiful one, I was the thin one, the stick. The one nobody ever really wanted. There was only one thing I was ever good at—being thin.

“I wish it was that easy for me.” Lola sighs. “I wish I could see it as clearly as you do. I’ve always lived in your shadow.”

My shadow? What shadow? I don’t have anything but my illness. “There is no shadow.”

“There is. You were thin, I was chubby. You were always the more beautiful of us two, I was just awkward. I may have been smart or kind, but that isn’t what attracts guys, or the envy of other girls.” She tries to smile, and then she reaches up. “Is that why you got ill? Trying to stay thin?”

“I wish it was that easy. Even years of talking to psychs and other talk-people, the only conclusion I’ve ever come to is that I loved being the ‘thin one’. You had the smarts, the kindness, the beauty, I had ‘thin’. And I guess I got lost in it.” Tears start dripping down Lola’s cheeks and I reach out, wiping them away. “Don’t cry. There is nothing to cry about. An eating disorder requires more than just having a desire to stay thin. To get where I am, you need a certain amount of obsession in you. I apparently had it. And I’ve learned to have peace with that a long time ago.”

“But how? I guess we were both jealous of the other.” She looks at the painting I’ve made, her head to the side as she breathes quietly for a while. Of course I was jealous, she was hard to live up to. But maybe it wasn’t as easy for her either. “I guess that is why I didn’t dare to talk to you. After I had fallen ill—I guess that is the best way to describe it—after that happened, Blaze dumped me. I was so alone after that. We had been together for quite a while back then, I even spent a summer at their place, the last summer before graduation.”

I nod. I remember her being gone for most of the summer. I didn’t mind, I liked being alone, and I was already used to Lola being gone most of the time, so her not being at home didn’t do much to me at that point.

“So when I fell ill… At first he said he’d be there for me, but he couldn’t deal. He stepped out, and didn’t come back. He refused to talk to me after that. I had no one at that point. H was so wrapped up in his younger brother’s illness and Tessa too. And they just didn’t know how to deal with what I went through. Which is normal, but still… it hurt.” She looks up at me. “You were sick. I was so worried about you. I was so scared to lose you. I guess I tried to protect myself by not telling you. If I didn’t tell you, I wouldn’t have to deal with what happened. And in the end… I hurt us both.”

“I’m so sorry.” I can’t believe what kind of asshole would just dump a girl when she’s at her worst. Actually, I can totally believe it. Dennis was like that too. He was fine, as long as I was doing fine. But as soon as I fell ill… He was gone. Back then, Lola was there for me… but now I need to be there for her. I keep holding her. There is so much that we don’t know about each other. We’ve grown apart for years now, and it scares me how little I actually know about her.

“I guess we both are.” She looks at me. “We need to start being better towards each other. We need to stop doing everything on our own.”

I nod. Yeah, that would be a good idea. Which reminds me… “How is Hunter?”

“He was kind of annoyed when you left, but mostly worried. He cares about you.” She frowns.

“And you don’t like that?”

“No, not precisely.” She sighs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but he’s not the guy for you. I’ve known him for years. He’s dangerous. He gets into trouble, lots of trouble. I don’t want you to get hurt. Tess could deal with him, she was just as crazy as him. But I don’t see you like that.”

“Like what?” Sure, I’ve seen the results of him getting in trouble, but apart from that one outburst… he’s always been good around me.

“Getting into fights. Actually going out and looking for fights. Getting picked up by the cops for drunk driving. Skipping every other class… They were… trouble. They’ve been kicked out of classes more often than not. I don’t even know how they stayed in school. Maybe they were just too stubborn to leave.”

“If you dislike them so much, why were you friends?” It’s like I’m not allowed to make choices for myself now, again.

“Because when they weren’t getting into trouble, they were good people. But them together…” She sighs. “H was really good on his own. He understood what it was to have a sibling who was sick. But I don’t even know if that person is still there. He may have lost that at the same time as Tess.”

“And that means that I shouldn’t date him?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

I can’t help but give a little smile. “That is the one thing he told me, at the start of the year.
‘I’m not scary or dangerous.’
I didn’t believe him, but he’s been proved to be right, at least when it comes to me.” It’s hard, on the one hand, it’s easy to see why Lola is scared for me, at the same time, this is Hunter, the guy who has been nothing but kind, respectful and loving towards me. Maybe the first guy ever. And to see that Lola disapproves… that hurts.

I
keep
my arm close as I pour some coffee. Today is not a good day. Apart from it being only a couple of days since Tyler stabbed me, there is something that makes me want to curl up and ignore that today even exists. It’s the one year anniversary of Tessa’s death. This morning, when I woke up, I could just feel it. My body wouldn’t work and there is so much pain and darkness inside me, I don’t even need a calendar to tell me what today is. Will I ever not know that this happened? Will I ever stop feeling this darkness?

I’m supposed to have classes today, but I’m not going. There is no reason for me to go, not when I’m like this.

I take my coffee up the stairs to the workshop. I’ve cleaned it up since I made such a mess here. Most things are back in their proper place and I’ve replaced the glass on some of the photos and art. But, while most of the walls are still about Tessa, more and more is about Lizzy. Art about her is slowly taking over the space in the room. I may not have planned it this way, but slowly, from the first drawings and the dress, she has taken over more space in here… But today, I put it out of my head. Today is about me, me and Tessa.

I’m about to start a new drawing, the book precariously balancing in my lap, as the bell rings. I frown, I didn’t invite anyone over and there is definitely no reason for people to just ring my bell. It rings again and I get up. I push the receiver. “Yes?”

“Hunter?” A woman’s voice comes through the speaker. It’s as if someone reaches inside me and squeezes, it hurts so much to hear the voice. “Hunter?” Tessa’s mother asks again. “Can we come in?”

“Yeah. Sure.” I push the button to let her in the main door, even though I’ve got no idea why I do so. What is Tessa’s mother doing here? Then I open the door and wait.

The footsteps coming up the stairs seem loud, but there are no voices. There is no reason to talk, there seems to be no reason for any sound at all. I wanted to be alone today, alone with my memories, alone with the silence, the emptiness. Then two people appear at the bottom of the stairs, both looking so much like the girl I lost. Tessa got her beauty, her fierceness, from her mother, while she got her smile and her hair color from her father.

We all look at each other for a moment, and then they come up the last set of stairs. I nod at them and step back into the apartment. They follow me.

It’s unreal to see them here. They’ve never seen this place before. I had only just signed the contract when Tessa got into the accident, and after that, I ignored that this place even existed for a long time.

“This is a nice studio.” Tessa’s mum’s voice is quiet. “She would have liked it.”

“She did.” Tessa loved this place, big, spacious, without being too big. It would have been exactly right for the two of us. She was the one who told me to sign the contract as soon as she saw the place.

We’re silent again. What do we have to say to each other?

“Would you like something to drink?” I can at least be a good host.

“I’d love to. What do you have?” Tessa’s mum seems to be glad about the change of topic.

“Coffee, tea, soft drinks.”

“Coffee, please.” She nods. No surprise there.

“Me too. But I’ll get it.” Tessa’s dad walks past me, looking in the cupboards for cups, and then he pours two, one for him and one for his wife. Yeah, it’s not like I can play the perfect host with just the one arm. “Do you want some too?”

“I’ve got some upstairs. Please, sit anywhere. I’m just grabbing my cup.” I walk up the stairs as I hear them walk around downstairs. I close the notebook I was about to draw in and then grab my cup. I swallow hard. I’m not sure I can do this. So much has happened since the last time I saw them.

I didn’t even attend the funeral… There is no way to excuse that. There is no excuse for the way I acted last year.

I nearly stumble as I step down the stairs and let out a hiss as I catch myself with my bad arm.

Tessa’s mum is at the bottom of the stairs immediately. “Are you okay?” The look in her eyes… that is not the look of anger, not the look that Tyler gave me. Instead, it’s one of worry, of sorrow. Then her eyes fall on the drawing behind me, the huge drawing of Tessa that I made the last summer we were together. Her eyes grow big and her hand goes up to her chest as if it hurts. Then she averts her eyes and steps away.

Yeah… If there was one fault with Tyler’s assumptions, it was that I moved on. How do you move on after Tessa? But even as I think it, I look back, at the growing corner of art of Lizzy… I don’t know if this is moving on, or something else…

“Hunter.” Tessa’s dad calls out for me.

“I’m sorry. Coming.” I make my way down the stairs and walk to the dining table, where Tessa’s parents have put a box in the middle of the table. No, actually, two boxes. One battered shoe box, and one that I can’t place at the moment—it’s white, but that’s all it is. I sit down at the table as Tessa’s parents sit opposite me.

“We want to apologize,” Tessa’s dad starts. “For Tyler’s actions and… for shutting you out after the accident.”

What? “It’s okay. I wasn’t in the best head space either. There is no reason to apologize. I didn’t even…” My breath hitches. After the accident, I shut everyone out. I pushed everyone away. There was no way to reason with me. And I still regret it. But how could I? How could I act like the good boyfriend when it was all my fault? If not for me, she wouldn’t have sped or even been on that road.

“Would you listen to me?” Tessa’s mum puts her hand on my arm.

I nod. What else can I do? This is the least I owe them.

“We don’t blame you. This was an accident.”

I open my mouth, but she sternly shakes her head, so I close it again.

“You were both… reckless. You kept pushing boundaries, boundaries that shouldn’t be pushed. And after Joey’s death… There was a change in you both. You became more reckless, like life didn’t matter anymore.” She closes her eyes and Tessa’s dad gives her a tissue. She dabs at her eyes and looks back up at me. “There was something dangerous growing. This was never going to be right. In the end, we didn’t even recognize you anymore.” She wrings the tissue in her hands. “Tessa had always been pushing boundaries, she was always dangerous. We were always surprised when she lived another year. There was something volatile about her, something we were never able to contain. But you… You were the sensible one. You were able to calm her down, she became manageable. She went to classes, she showed up when she said she would, and she kept out of too much trouble.
You
were the reason for that. She adored you, she loved you. She did everything for you. But when you graduated… and Joey got really bad after that…” She squeezes my arm. “It almost seemed like instead of you calming her down, she influenced you. Every time you two went out to
have fun
, we’d be worried to death. I can’t count the number of times I’d stay up just to text her in the morning and make sure she was still alive.”

I can’t look at them any more, the pain only getting worse. Tamara told me the same thing. That she feared for my life every time Tessa and I went out. That she still does. That it will only be a matter of time until I end up in really big trouble, jail, or death. “I’m sorry.” I guess I never realized how many people we scared.

“Don’t apologize. We should be the ones to apologize. We should have done something, but we didn’t know what. And now Tyler went and stabbed you. It seems that our kids just can’t leave you alone.” Tessa’s dad pulls the shoe box closer and opens it. The box is full of little things Tessa and I shared. Pictures, art, small gifts. All memories of us.

Tears start to form and the darkness in me changes, the edges thinning, instead a raw pain taking its spot.

“We want you to have this. It’s not much, but it’s what we could save from Tyler’s destruction. It won’t make everything better, but we hope that at least it will heal some of the pain. She loved you, with all she had. Even if that was messed up sometimes.” His voice wavers at the end. There is so much I want to know, about Tessa, about Tyler, about how they’ve been since the accident. But now… a heavy pain has been lifted.

“Please, don’t blame yourself anymore.” Tessa’s mother stands up and comes over to me. She wraps her arms around me, pulling me close.

I stand up, wrapping my arms around her too. She smells so familiar, just as Tessa always had. A second set of arms surround us, Tessa’s dad. For the first time, I’m calm, the pain is still there, it’s still raw. My body shakes, the tension, the guilt, the anger, it’s all leaving me. For the first time, I’m no longer bound by Tessa’s death. All that anger that I kept inside, at myself, at the world, at everyone, it’s finally leaving, and it feels… freeing. For the first time, I’m free, and it’s scary.

* * *

“
W
e would like
you to come to the grave with us.” Tessa’s dad picks up the white box. “I know you’ve not been there yet.”

I nod. “I tried, but… I couldn’t.” There were so many reasons why I couldn’t face her again.

“That’s why we’d like you to come with us. There is no reason to avoid her anymore, she won’t blame you either. None of us do.” Tessa’s mum puts her jacket back on.

“Tyler does.” He’s always been the one who was most against Tessa and me dating in the first place.

“He adored his big sister, she was like a star to him. He didn’t take it well. But he won’t be there today.” Tessa’s dad looks up.

He won’t? They look at me like I should understand why.

“They picked him up the day after he stabbed you, and he’s been locked up since. They found him to be too dangerous to be released on bail. He tried to stab a cop when they came to get him.” I see the pain pass over his face, and then mirrored on Tessa’s mum’s face.

I knew they had gotten him, but I guess I was too wrapped up into my own things to pay too much attention to it all. Which is stupid. Because I’m totally involved in all this. “I’m sorry.”

“It was bound to happen. I just hope that he’ll accept some help after all this. He’s been off the rails for a while now.” Tessa’s dad shrugs.

I can’t imagine how it must be for parents to have two kids who just can’t stay out of trouble, who seem to just have a little insanity inside them. To constantly live at the edge of fear, to constantly be scared of something happening to their children. It almost seems like they’re used to it now. It’s scary how normal it is for them.

“Shall we go?” Tessa’s mum walks to the door.

I take a step, but then stop. “Give me a moment, okay?” I go up the stairs to the workshop. I reach behind the books and take the box with the ring in it. I was going to propose to her—a year ago today, I was supposed to propose. I open the little box and look at the ring. I should do something with it, about it. Then my eye falls on the leather bracelet that I save on a shelf above it. We used to wear one each. We bought it right when we got together and I only took it off a couple of months ago, when I decided that I needed to move on in life, when I decided that the past was in the past. I was silly and naive to think that it would work… I take one last look at the beautiful ring in the box and close it before I put it back in its hiding spot. I take the bracelet and stuff it into my pocket. I don’t have any good memories of the ring, but the bracelet… I have many memories with it. Truth is, Tessa is buried with hers. I know, because that was my only request, the only thing I wanted to be sure of.

I take a deep breath and go down the stairs again, looking at Tessa’s parents. “I’m ready.” I’m ready to face my biggest fear: Tessa’s grave.

We take their car to the cemetery and when we get there, it’s empty and quiet. The sky is dark, as it was a year ago, and I can almost feel the rain on the air. There’s another heavy night coming, I can just feel it.

I stand at the gate to the cemetery and look inside, the force that normally keeps me out now slowly thinning as I push all the guilt from my mind. I deserve to be here. I loved her. She was part of my life for such a long time.

I belong here.

I reach out, as if I’m pushing through the force field, and it finally gives, shattering under my hands, under my feelings. Then I step forward and I’m in the cemetery, my breath hitching and coming out like a shudder. Tessa’s mum’s hand on my back gives me the strength to keep going and we slowly walk onto the terrain, the rows and rows of graves surrounding us. I know where the grave is, I’ve seen it many times from outside the gate. Even on the day of the funeral, I saw it all from out there. I just couldn’t come in. There were too many conflicting feelings and Tyler had made it very clear that his sister’s murderer wasn’t welcome.

We reach the grave. There is already a fresh bouquet of flowers and some other things. And seeing her picture on the grave, her huge smile, it starts the tears all over again. There are so many things I wish we could have done together, so many things that we’ll never be able to do. She’s gone, forever.

I let myself slide to the ground, the weight of her loss suddenly so strong and tangible. I can only stare at the grave, the tears never stopping, never letting up. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the power to stand up again. I’m here and she isn’t. I fumble around in my pocket and pull out the leather bracelet. I carefully place it on top of the grave, almost too careful to disturb it. The darkness, the insanity, it claws at the edges of my mind, my body growing cold. I reach out, almost picking it back up again. But I know that I need to let it go. I need to let her go. I loved her, I loved her as much as I could, and my love killed her. No matter what her parents think, I
am
to blame for this. I’m still here, and she isn’t. Why am I even trying? Everybody I love dies… Even Lizzy got worse after we met, even Lizzy is dying because of me.