Hurt Me So Good (21 page)

Shadows flickered through her eyes that he couldn’t name. Doubt? Concern? Anger? “Are you saying I shouldn’t?”

Releasing her, he stretched out on his back and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I don’t know how far I’ll go. I don’t know what my limit is, and if I don’t know mine, how can you trust me not to cross yours?”

“I don’t know what my limits are either.” She laid her head on his chest and stroked her fingers up and down in lazy swirls, teasingly giving a light pull on his chest hairs. “Are you scared of me?”

“Hell, yes, I’m scared of you. Baby, you push me so hard I’m afraid I’ll drag us both off the cliff.”

“Well, as long as we go together, I don’t care.”

She said it so lightly, as though she really didn’t care, while the very thought made him ill. How could he love and protect her if
he
was the one who’d hurt her the worst?

“I suppose we ought to get back. Mal still needs to punish me.”

Stiffening, he fought for a calm and reasonable tone of voice. “I really don’t like another Dominant to punish you, even for the show.”

She propped her elbow on his chest so she could stare down into his eyes. In a somber, gentle voice, she said, “You know you’re the only one who can ever truly punish me, don’t you? What Patrick did was just a show. It didn’t mean anything.”

“It meant a big fucking deal to me to sit there and watch him hurt you.”
When I wanted to hurt you myself.

“It hurt, sure, but it certainly wasn’t as glorious as what you just did. I’d much rather have you hurt me.” She shrugged, so nonchalant that he wanted to shake her. “It’s sort of like prostitution.”

He blinked, trying to follow her reasoning. “You’re not a whore.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Nibbling on his ear, she whispered, “But I’d be your whore, your slut, yours to take however you want. There’s absolutely nothing I won’t do for you.”

Lust speared through him so fiercely he thought seriously about rolling her over and beginning all over again. Mal could handle the afternoon’s taping. Hell, why not the whole evening?

“What I meant is that when a whore has sex for money, she might enjoy it sometimes, but it’s work. It’s a job. If she gets any pleasure out it, that’s a bonus.”

“I still don’t see how that applies to what you did with Patrick today.”

“It was a job. I didn’t take pleasure in it. It hurt, but I didn’t let it become pleasure, not like I would have if you were at the other end of that whip. Does that make sense?”

“Pain is pain, and for us, that means pleasure.”

She made a disgusted noise and sat up, sliding to the side of the bed. “Don’t be obtuse. You know that’s not true, or else why don’t you come every time your knee hurts? Patrick whipped me today. It was like your knee surgery. It was necessary. I felt no enjoyment in it.”

Snagging her arm, he squeezed until she turned and looked at him. “I don’t like it.”

She leaned down and brushed her lips against his. “After Mal’s done with me, drag me off set, slip your fingers under my petticoat, and see how much I liked it. Okay? And then, Master V, you should definitely punish me yourself.”

Mal met him at the door to Silken. “All hell’s breaking loose.”

Sighing, Victor reached back and tightened his ponytail.
All hell’s breaking loose inside me too.
“What’s up?”

She gave a hard look at Shiloh that made him wrap his arm around her, instinctively drawing her closer. “You may not want her to hear the details.”

“She hears everything, especially if it’s about the show.”

Mal flipped on the television above the bar. “Oh, it’s about the show all right.”

As soon as he saw KDSX sleazeball, Frank Firkuss, Victor knew it was bad news. They employed only the worst kind of backstabbing, vicious mudslingers and dirt-mongers.

“After a titillating preview of VCONN’s upcoming show last night, we are thrilled to have stumbled across a blog created by one of
America’s Next Top sub’s
contestants. According to our information, this contestant is the exact same woman in the trailer released by VCONN.”

Shiloh started to pull away, but Victor kept his arm locked about her. She wasn’t getting away from him that easily.

“Even juicier, the contestant works at VCONN. Shiloh Holmes is an Associate Producer at VCONN, but reportedly began dating President and CEO, Victor Connagher, and suddenly found herself the show runner for
Top sub
.” Firkuss pointed to the screen behind him to their silhouette from the trailer. He let out a slick, fake laugh. “Perhaps
dating
isn’t exactly the right word. Now who does this look like to you?”

He held up a picture of Victor in profile from a recent charity event, his longer hair clearly visible. It wouldn’t take much imagination for the viewers to see the resemblance.

Reeling, he felt like the rug had been jerked out from beneath his feet. He hadn’t minded people within the BDSM community knowing his identity, but this… He and Shiloh had just come out of the closet in a very big way. Everyone in Dallas would know the kinky shit they were into, and the gossip and rumors would get worse with each and every episode.

Do I dare proceed with the show? If it drags Shiloh’s name through the mud and airs all our dirty laundry to the entire city?

“I don’t know how she got details on
Internet Secrets
,” Mal said in a clipped, tight voice, “but she’s been your spy all along. She’s only trying to get closer to you to leak more information.”

Shiloh jerked away from his arm and stepped toward Mal, her eyes flashing. “I would never do such a thing! I didn’t even know about your show, so how could I have possibly leaked any of the details? Do you think I would leak my own name like that? Everybody in Dallas thinks I’m doing my boss just to get a promotion and spot on a sleazy show.”

“Aren’t you?”

“Enough,” Victor retorted. He took Shiloh’s hand and drew her back to him. “She didn’t do it, Mal. I know about the blog. She told me herself.”

“So? That doesn’t mean she didn’t call up Firkuss and tell him all about it too.”

“Why would I do that? Do you have any idea what I put on that blog? How many times I wanted to approach Victor but I didn’t know how, all the secret fantasies? Oh, God…” She turned and buried her face against his chest. “I’m so sorry. Everybody will read those things. They’ll know it’s you, won’t they? It’s so obvious. They’ll read all the horrible language I used, see all the secret things I’ve thought about doing with you. I can’t bear it. Why was I so stupid?”

Victor wrapped his arms around her and dropped his chin on top of her head. He’d taken the time to read several months’ archives of her blog, and he suddenly found the whole situation rather amusing. He even started to chuckle. “Next time I invite someone into my office and I don’t get up to shake their hand, they’re going to assume you’re under my desk giving me a blowjob.”

She made a high-pitched wail that only made him laugh harder.

“You think this is funny?” Mal stared at him like he’d suddenly sprouted another head. “Everybody in Dallas is speculating that Victor Connagher is the meanest Master in town.”

“Aren’t I?”

“Well, yeah, sure, but do you want everyone to know it? Right now, we can bluster with threats of a lawsuit to shut KDSX up, but if you continue to tape the show, more and more people are going to assume Master V is you. They can’t help but make that connection, no matter what kind of mask you wear.”

“I know.” His mind leaped ahead, imagining the fallout. After the pilot, the speculation would only get worse.
Or better
, he thought, allowing a wicked grin to twist his mouth. “Our ratings are going to shoot through the roof. Everyone will watch just to see if they can tell for sure it’s me.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?” Mal asked incredulously. “You know what kind of Master you’re showing yourself to be on the show, right? This isn’t nice, safe Dominant play like what you did with Kimberly all those months. This is the real shit, V. People are going to know you’re a sadist.”

Despite his growing excitement for the show’s success, he couldn’t deny a kernel of uneasiness. “We’re keeping it clean enough for TV.”
As long as Shiloh doesn’t push me over the line
. “We’re not doing latex, ball gags or dungeon shit.”

“Yet.”

He arched a brow and looked down at Shiloh’s head. “Are you planning a dungeon scene?”

“Not exactly.” Her words were muffled against his shirt. “There is a punishment round coming up, though. I don’t know how far we’ll end up going. It might get rather intense.”

“We can pretty it up for Dallas.” He tried to keep his voice light, but Mal’s eyes narrowed. She’d caught the unease in his voice. If only he could pretty himself up for Shiloh and ensure her safety. If he could keep his mind clean, his crop in control and his need for brutality under wraps…

“If she didn’t leak this blog, who did?”

Victor met Mal’s gaze and made his voice as soft and gentle as possible. “Andy.”

She snorted and whirled away, striding rapidly in the opposite direction. He and Shiloh followed her into Silken’s office. “I don’t believe it.”

“He’s the only other person at VCONN who knew about my blog,” Shiloh said. “He threatened to tell Victor if I didn’t let him win
Top sub
.”

“That doesn’t mean he called up KDSX and leaked the show or the blog.”

“I told him earlier today that he couldn’t blackmail me because Victor already knew everything. I told him all about the blog and honestly, I expected him to fire me.” She peeked up at his face to judge his reaction. “I especially expect him to fire me now that his cover is blown.”

“I’ve been hiding a long time,” he said softly, leaning down to kiss her. “Maybe it’s time to stop hiding Master V behind the mask of the CEO.”

He didn’t realize how tense she’d been until she melted against his chest. Tears glittered in her eyes. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I tried to keep everyone’s identity a secret with the masks. If I hadn’t started that stupid blog…”

“I love your blog. In fact, I want you to write another entry. Right now.”

“What?” She spluttered as he pushed her toward Ryan’s computer. “I should delete the whole damned thing before they have the chance to spread it all over Dallas.”

“Don’t you dare.” He gave her his most intimidating glare. “I’m going to talk with Mal awhile about Andy, and I want you to write a juicy new entry. Make it as scandalous as you can imagine. Drop a hint about the leak—that you can’t wait to see what happens once I get my hands on him. And then write about what we taped just now, and what happened afterward.”

“You want me to say that…” Her eyes were wide, her mouth soft and so lush it was all he could do not to smash her against him for a long, deep kiss that would curl her toes.

“I was so incensed after watching another Dominant punish you that I had to drag you off set and fuck your brains out.” He winked at the choked sound that escaped her mouth. “Or whatever inappropriate language you can think of. You’re so much better in that arena than I am.”

Victor sat with Mal before the fireplace while Shiloh typed up her blog entry. Crew came and went, cleaning up from the dinner and checking in for their next duties. When he noticed Léon and Brandon together, he couldn’t help a small, smug smile.

Sniffing and wiping her eyes, Mal stared into space. “I just can’t believe it. Why would Andy do something like this?”

“I had a friend do a little digging, and it seems as though Andy has gotten himself into trouble with gambling. He and a bunch of his college buddies are playing poker pretty heavily.”

“Gambling? But he never…” Mal met his gaze and he reached out to squeeze her hand. “How could he hide something like that? From me?”

He suddenly had an inkling of what Kimberly must have felt after dating him for months—and agreeing to marry him—before he’d finally shown her the real Victor beneath the calm, safe, controlled mask he’d been hiding behind. A BDSM relationship revolved around trust, and to keep such a secret from a Dominant or a submissive, broke that trust. It shattered every illusion of safety in a caring but politically incorrect relationship.

“I’ve whipped that boy to climax. I’ve tortured him with need until he begged me to come. He’s licked my feet, slept on the floor, and even wore women’s panties to class because I told him to. But now… It’s like I don’t even know who he is. I had no idea he was gambling so heavily he’d feel so desperate that he’d betray us. If he needed money, I would have helped him.”

Giving Andy the benefit of doubt, Victor tried to think of something more positive to say than he was a lying dirty cheat. “Maybe he was too ashamed to ask for help.”

“No.” Mal shook her head. “He’s asked me for help before. I’ve even given him an advance on his salary—out of my pocket, not VCONN’s—because he said he needed to fly home to see his parents. I wonder if he ever did. Maybe that was just a lie. Maybe everything’s a lie.”

“What he had with you wasn’t a lie.”

“Wasn’t it?” Mal laughed, a raw sound closer to a sob. “I’ve been preparing mentally for the war with Mama if I bring Andy home and introduce him as my live-in lover and possibly my someday husband, only now to find out he might have been using me all along. He’s been stabbing VCONN in the back, and instead of submitting to me, he’s been fucking me over this whole time.”

“We don’t know how deeply he’s in this, Mal. I know you’re hurt, and I have to admit that I think he’s a prick for how he tried to blackmail Shiloh, but you’re jumping to conclusions about your relationship. He might be the most committed sub—”

“No man could truly submit to me while withholding such secrets,” Mal said in a flat, hard voice. “I’m done. He’s getting out of my house tonight.”

“I think we should play this smart. Let him dig himself deeper. If you question him, he’ll only be defensive and try to lie his way out of trouble. Let him entrap himself, and, if we’re very lucky and good, which you know we both are, we’ll make laughingstocks of KDSX, Firkuss and Andy.”

“How?”

“We let Andy leak information—but we choose what he leaks, and we play the show.”