Hurts So Good (5 page)

She had long since put the past to rest, but as time went on she had put the memory of him to rest as well. This was her future, and he was her past. She pushed everything that was Mack out of her head, thinking it was her very overactive imagination that had her fantasizing about him, but still the hand on her belly moved lower yet until it was cupping her pussy. She felt like such a bitch for thinking about Mack when clearly Graison was the one touching her. Jane rolled to the side and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay, honey?” He rested his hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine. What time is it?” She scrubbed her eyes. The curtains were closed and the room shrouded in a hazy muted light.

“It’s a little after five. Your dad came home, and your mom is cooking dinner.” He pushed her hair off the nape of her neck and kissed her skin. She moved away and felt his hand fall from her shoulder. “Are you sure everything is okay? You’ve been acting funny for a while now.” Jane went over to her dresser and grabbed a hair tie. After she had her hair in a messy pony tail she braced her hands on the wood before her and leaned on it. Graison’s reflection was staring right at her, a concerned expression on his face. She should have broken it off with him months ago, right when she had accepted this position and knew that being with him wasn’t going to benefit either of them or expand into marriage and children. She had been thinking about doing it, but she had stayed with him because he was so good to her. He was a good man, but that also meant he deserved someone that wanted him as much as he wanted her. But there was just something missing between them. The sex was always so slow and safe, and there was never any excitement involved. It was like he was afraid she’d break. If it wasn’t missionary then it was her on the side with Graison behind her. When she had asked for it rough, for a little hair pulling, nails digging into flesh, and for him to spank her ass like he wanted to make her beg for it, this horrified look had crossed his face, and he hadn’t had sex with her for well over a week. Maybe he thought she was screwed up for wanting things that might not be considered “normal” for him, but shit, the life she had right now was mundane and filled with regret, and not normal in any sense.

“I just….” She exhaled and lowered her eyes to star at the scarred, glossy wood of the dresser. “I just don’t know what’s happening with me. It’s like as soon as I crossed into Absinthe I was crossing into the Twilight Zone.” She chuckled humorlessly at her words, because she had only been
back
home for a few short hours, and already she felt weird. “I know that sounds really fucked up.”

“Honey, let’s watch our language.” She gritted her teeth and smiled, but it wasn’t one that was filled with amusement. She turned around, but bit her tongue from blurting out a string of profanities. He was so damn proper. She needed to be alone, to gather her thoughts. Graison stood and took a step forward. “You’ve been acting distant lately. Is it because of the move? Are you having second thoughts about taking the promotion?” He stopped in front of her and took hold of her hands. “It isn’t too late to go back to Colton. I’m sure Michael would be more than willing to give you your old position back.”

“It’s not the job, or moving back to Absinthe.” Well, it was partly about moving back to Absinthe, but she didn’t say that. She really didn’t want to string him along any further, but she also didn’t want to break his heart. “I just think that it would be better if I—”

“Jane, sweetheart?”
There was a knock on her bedroom door before her mother pushed it open and stuck her head inside. “Are you guys ready for dinner?”

“Yeah, Mom, we’re coming now.” They were left alone once more, and she moved away from Graison. “Come, we better go downstairs, or my dad will start yelling up the stairs.” She tried to offer a genuine smile, but she knew it didn’t really come out as such.

Once they were downstairs her dad gave her a big hug. When he pulled back there was this strange look in his eyes, but she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Usually she was good at reading him, but right now he had a tight wall around his expression. That had warning bells going off inside of her. They moved into the kitchen and sat down to eat. Lasagna, garlic bread, and a salad all sat in the center of the table. Her mother and Graison started dishing out food while talking to each other. Graison was busy patting himself on the back about the blip in an accounting spreadsheet he found, which had saved his company three million dollars in losses. She had heard this story three times already when he had told others. She shook her head at the annoyance she had inside of her. She was taking out her own issues on a man that didn’t deserve it. She turned and looked at her dad, who watched her intently.

“What’s wrong?” She slowly shook her head and took the bowl of salad offered to her. “We’ll talk after dinner. Catch up on the deck, okay, sweetie?” He joined in on the conversation with her mom and Graison, but the look that had been on her dad’s face, and the fact he seemed so serious all of a sudden, told her whatever he had to tell her wasn’t just about “catching up”.

Once everyone finished, her mom and Graison went into the living room. “I’ll meet you guys in there in a bit. I just need some fresh air.” Jane opened the sliding door that led out to the deck and saw her dad sitting in one of the patio chairs smoking a cigar. “I thought you quit those nasty things?” He turned and looked at her, smiled, and stubbed it out.

“I did.
Kind of.
Don’t tell your mom, though.”

Jane sat in the empty seat beside him and looked over the wooden fence at the neighbor’s backyard and watched two little girls take turns going down the slide.

“I’m sure Mom can smell it on you, Dad. You reek.” She rested her head on the back of the chair, turned to look at him, and smiled. “No offense.” He chuckled and reached over to pat her leg.

“None
taken,
baby girl. I shouldn’t smoke those damn things.” They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and the sound of the little girls’ laughter a few houses down was nice to listen to. “So, you ready to start work?”

“Yeah.
It’s nothing different from what I was doing at the Colton branch, it’s just now I’ll get credit for it.” He patted her leg again and rested his head against the chair. “Are you okay? You seemed off back in the kitchen.” Her pulse started to race slightly when she watched her dad swallow.

“You and Graison doing
good
?” He looked at her, and she turned and watched the little girls run toward the back door and inside their house. Before she could answer her dad was talking again. “I like him. He seems like a good kid, maybe too good. You know what I mean?” He nudged her shoulder with his, and she faced him once more.

“He’s safe, Dad.”

He nodded. “I know, baby girl, but sometimes safe isn’t always the right path.” She let those words sink in for a moment. “Sometimes taking the safest route will get you hurt the hardest.” Her father may be a retired English teacher, but he was the smartest man she knew. “I ran into an old friend at Smith’s Market today.” And that was when her pulse really went frantic, because she knew her father wouldn’t be acting this way, or telling her about going to the store and running into an old friend, if it was just anyone.

“Mack’s doing
good
?” He showed a second of surprise on his face. “What, you think you are so good at hiding what’s going on? Sometimes I can tell what is going on before I think you even do.” She smiled, but she felt frazzled inside.

“I didn’t know how to bring it up. When you first left for college you were so broken. I argued with your mother on letting you leave, but we knew you couldn’t stay here while Mack was in a bad place. He’d only bring you down right along with him.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I forced myself to leave. I just couldn’t do it anymore, and there was nothing and no one that could get through to him.”

“We never stopped watching over him, and never stopped trying to help him, but Mack had sunk a hell of a lot deeper than any of us ever thought possible.” This conversation was bringing up very painful memories, and she really didn’t want to rehash everything again. She had already gone over this so many times she was overflowing with the memories. “He’s doing very well for himself.” She nodded but couldn’t face her father.

“Did you bring me out here to talk about the past? Because I’ll tell you, Dad, I really don’t want to go there. I think about it enough on my own.” She brushed away a stray tear and sniffed.

“I know, sweetheart, but that’s not why I brought you out here. I just wanted you to know that I ran into Mack at the grocery store, and told him you were back in town and why.” He reached over and used his thumb to brush away one of her tears.
 
“I thought it was best that he knew and didn’t accidently run into you in town. The last few years he really keeps to himself anymore.”

There were a lot of questions she had, but none she wanted to bring up to her dad. They were questions that only Mack could answer.

“Thanks, Dad. I knew I would eventually have to face this, and you would think after all this time I would not feel as scared as I do. I mean we are both adults now.” She turned and looked at him. “But I have every intention of talking to him. We need to talk … about everything.”

“Sweetheart, you can never get rid of fear until you face it.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek, and then stood. “I know you probably need a minute.” She nodded but didn’t look at him. The sound of the backdoor opening and closing broke up the silence. She stayed on the deck for a few more minutes, but soon the door behind her was opening and the sound of Graison politely asking her inside to go through old photo albums brought her back to the present. Yeah, safe, that was her life now, and it wasn’t all that comforting.

****

“Dude, what the fuck is going on with you?”

Mack slammed his fist into the red punching bag over and over again. His knuckles were sore, even with the protective tape covering them, but he needed more pain, wanted more until there was nothing left. London’s voice was hard with annoyance, but Mack paid him no attention and went back to sparring with the nonliving opponent in front of him. Since talking with Darryn a few days ago all Mack had been doing was working out, and hoping that the fight he was participating in tonight would help run him out of steam.

“
Don’t
fucking ask questions, London. Just hold the damn punching bag.” He hated feeling like this, snapping at his friends because he was unstable as shit. Sweat dripped from his temple down his face, and perspiration covered his chest and back. He was exhausted, having been up since four in the morning, and not having stopped once. It was going on noon, and despite his muscles and bones screaming at him to stop, he wasn’t going to.

“Mack, go hydrate and rest.
You’re going to run yourself into the ground, and won’t be any use tonight in the cage.” Harlond’s voice came through like a crack of a whip, and Mack slowed his movements before stopping altogether. He sucked in air, his chest heaving from the force of his respirations. He looked at the older man who was still as fit as any of the fighters that he trained. He was also stubborn and had a temper, but he had been the one person that had taken him in and forced him to change his ways. “Meet me in the med room, Mack.
Now
.”
Harlond turned and stalked toward the back.

London whispered low. “Damn, dude, Harlond seems pissed, and for once it isn’t because of me.”

Mack narrowed his eyes at London and grunted. “What do you expect, man? You’re with his little girl.” When London came clean that he was with Sunny, Harlond’s daughter and the woman Mack saw as a little sister, there had been a lot of tension around. Yeah, it had mainly been from Mack, but he knew Harlond was iffy about the fighter’s and his little girl’s relationship. The old man might act like he accepted what was going on between them, but the truth was London had a past that was just as dirty as the rest of theirs. But he loved Sunny, and that much was clear. Mack had been angry because he had watched over Sunny since she was young, saw her as a little sister, and had wanted to do right for her since he hadn’t done right by Jane.

“Whatever. He knows damn well I’ll never let anything happen to her.” Mack grunted again, and caught the towel London tossed at him. “Better not keep him waiting.” Mack ran the towel over his face, neck, and chest, and turned to head to the medic room. Harlond was putting gel packs in the freezer, but when Mack shut the door behind him he turned around and crossed his beefy arms over his chest. Mack may have a good three inches on Harlond’s six foot height, and over seventy pounds of muscle on his trainer’s frame, but the old man could still intimidate him with one look.