I am America (and so can you!) (26 page)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

ON ENDANGERED SPECIES

To put it simply, certain animals are endangered because God is pissed off at them. If you try to save an endangered animal, you are going against God’s will—and the Man knows how to hold a grudge.

and

WHY THEY ARE UNLOVED BY GOD

Florida Cougar

California

Hawaiian

Ocelot

(Puma Concolor Coryi)

Condor

Monk Seal

(Leopardus pardalis)

Laziness. Where’s

(Gymnogyps californianus)

(Monachus schauinslandi)

It knows good and

the challenge in

Typical West Coast

Despite name, not

well what it did.

hunting slow,

type just cruising on

really a devout

elderly prey?

the air currents. Get

member of a

a job, long beak.

monastic order.

Père David’s

Bighorn Sheep

Iberian Lynx

Hairy-Nosed

Deer

(Ovis canadensis)

(Lynx pardinus)

Wombat

(Elaphurus davidianus)

Wool can only

Agnostic.

(Lasiorhinus krefftii)

Has an accent mark

be washed on

Unloveable.

in its name.

“delicate” cycle,

if you know

what I mean.

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I Went to the Zoo Once:
Not impressed. The animals were lazy. If I want to see a monkey sleeping, I’ll tranquilize one. But what do you expect from today’s
If I went to a play
and all the actors

modern zoos? Now every animal has its own habitat—Bear Country, Tiger
were asleep, I’d get
a refund.

Mountain, Hedgehog Hotel, Baboon Condo. It’s so safe and sterile. How are my kids supposed to learn anything about nature if the animals aren’t savaging one another? I say we put all the animals into one big enclosure and let them battle it out. After all, it’s a dog-eat-dog world; so let’s have some dogs eating each other. Not my dog Gipper, though. He has a very sensitive stomach.

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S T O AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

I’d like to thank Stephen for the opportunity to put my

two cents in here. To be honest, I was hesitant to commit my

thoughts to paper. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the illusion that I actually have thoughts. Dinner doesn’t think, and you shouldn’t think about your dinner.

Hey, want to hear a funny joke? Cattle prods.

I guess you had to be there.

It’s just that I don’t understand why, after offering me the

L73NR, Cow

opportunity to be processed into sirloin, Farmer Joe thinks he

needs to twist my hoof. I’m in!

What’s that honey? In a minute, Mommy is writing something for a book. That’s right! B-O-O-K! Book! Good girl! Now run along and tell your sister it’s time for bed. You know, Mohandas Gandhi once said, “The cow is a poem of compassion,” but you know what I say? The cow is a rack of short ribs.

Speaking of Gandhi, it’s at times like these (approaching the mechanical separators), that I am glad I’m a Hindu. Because I know I have lived a good life and will come back to live again and again until I escape the wheel of Samsara. When I next return, I hope I’m a human. The first thing I’m going to do is have a steak. I’m dying to know what all the fuss is about. You people sure seem eager to get it off my bones. Well I should sign off before I get to the Captive Bolt Stunner. Enjoy

me!

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Nation, nothing restricts freedom more than buckling a seatbelt. If I want to fly head first through my car windshield at 200 mph, that’s between me and my brain damage. But, as long as there are legislators in the pocket of Big Seatbelt, the regulations will keep on coming.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at this story from abcnews.com:

BUCKLE UP, PUP

For Massachusetts canines, flatbed freedom and tongues flapping in
the breeze on the open road may soon go to the dogs. Martin Walsh, a
state lawmaker from Dorchester, Mass., may file legislation that will
require dog owners to restrain pets when driving in a vehicle.
A law to make dogs wear seatbelts! What’s next, Massachusetts? Making dogs wear hard hats when they chase the ball? Or life vests when they swim in a lake? Or safety goggles when they spot-weld?

Never once did Lassie tell Timmy she wanted more government regulations. “What’s that, girl? There’s a fire in the old barn? You want me to fill out this paperwork in triplicate and wait for someone from the main branch to contact me in six to eight weeks?” Ridiculous.

Half the reason the comic strip Marmaduke is so funny is because he’s always getting into mischief. If the government starts regulating that mischief with a bunch of unnecessary safety standards, that Great Dane will become a Mediocre Dane. Then where will we turn for entertainment?

Cathy? Too highbrow!

Endangered Species

Massachusetts, you’ve already taken our dogs’ balls. Don’t take their rights too.

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