I am America (and so can you!) (50 page)

C H E V R O N “ T H E G A S W I T H T E C H R O N ” S P O R T S C H A P T E R

My favorite places to trash-talk are professional sporting events. Sure, there’s no way I could perform at the same level as a professional athlete. But just because I can’t beat LeBron James in a dunking contest doesn’t mean I can’t try and lure him into the stands for a fistfight by pointing out that his trademark headband makes him look like the ringleader of a 1980s exercise video.
SOME PEOPLE
are going to say trash-talk is the last refuge of the desperate. You can see these people coming a mile away, in their tweed coats with the
Morning Edition
Travel Mugs. To them I say, “Since when did the spirit of competition become some kind of wet nurse for the weak?” Pointing out an adversary’s flaws is a tradition as old as wife-stealing. So, when sporting, never hesitate to dish out heaping servings of hearty smack-pie.

The Blessed

Smackrament.

THE SPORTS BREAKDOWN

With the overabundance of sports out there, how do you know which ones to watch? Easy, I’m going to tell you. There are some sports that deserve your respect and adoration and others that should be ignored—I’m looking at you, Soccer. First, let’s go over the sports you should be recording nightly on your 3

home Digital Video Recorder.

BASEBALL:
Baseball is as American as apple pie. In fact, I’ve often thought the game should be played with an apple instead of a ball. I have a lot of other great ideas!

For more on my baseball-pie

musings, read my book:

“Hey Batter, Batter, Batter.

There’s a reason that baseball is the National Pastime, and it’s not just because
Eat Batter.”

it is our most popular sport, after football, basketball, and NASCAR racing. It is that the simple joy of hitting something with a stick is one that speaks to every American child, regardless of race, class, or upbringing. Wherever there are sticks, or long pieces of processed wood, you can find children hitting something with them. As the child grows, so does the challenge—can you hit something that doesn’t want to be hit? And thus begins the child’s lifetime love of baseball. Unfortunately, the integrity of the sport has been sullied by our sex-crazed culture. I’ve heard from a worldly 4th grader that “rounding the bases” is a euphemism for “going all the way” with a girl. Why don’t you youths try rounding the abstinence bases instead?

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If you wanted me to use your brand name, TiVo, you should have sprung for the sponsorship.
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I’ll say it again,
no free rides
.